Hi! I am Helen and I am 30 years old, married happily sine 2 years and mother of a 5 months old baby girl. I am currently struggling with feelings of anger, sadness and guilt and I need help. In order to understand my story I would give many details on the background. My daughter was deeply wanted by me. My husband could have lived all of his life without children, but understood I really want a child. I do not know the reasons for which I desired so much a baby. Maybe is because I was trying to give a purpose to my life. Before the baby I used to work as an attorney at law, but I never really liked my job. I had no hobbies. During the week I just waited patiently for the weekend to come in order to relax, spending time with my husband, friends and family. I was rather happy, but felt like sth was missing. I got pregnant very easy and had a wonderful and easy pregnancy. I thought motherhood will be great and that I would be a great mum. Turns out I thought wrong. After I gave birth to my baby I started feeling anxious, overwhelmed and scared. I was really anxious about motherhood, thought I could not take care of care. The first 6 weeks were pretty rough, my baby was not colicky, but had some kind of witching hour. My husband helped a lot as he was on paternity leave for one month. Even now, when he works (from home) he still helps me a lot. I used to cry a lot because I could not sleep properly (even when she slept). At some point when she was 6-7 weeks she had some days when she was super fussy and that is the point where I felt like my mental health was gone. For 2 days I felt like I made a terrible mistake and that I should have never had children. I felt like I did not want to take care of her anymore. These feelings kept coming and going at certain intervals. In short, whenever she is fussier than usual, I start having these feelings. For the record, she is globally what we can call a calm baby, she sleeps through the night or has a night feed that my husband handles. I am not sleep deprived, I get lots of help, I manage to shower daily (even twice), paint my nails, put make up on. During weekends my parents help us out so we can also go out. I do not have to clean the house as we have a cleaning lady coming in every week. However, somehow in this what some may call perfect scenario I feel angry and lost. I sometimes feel I do not even have the right to complain, as life is rather easy for me, as easy as it can be with a baby. Since maybe 3 weeks my baby girl is fussier than usual. She whines more often and is super hard to put her down for naps or for bedtime. I feed to sleep or rock to sleep when needed. In the past time I mostly rock to sleep. This drives me crazy. She is heavy and sometimes it takes so much time for her to fall asleep. Sometimes she does not settle in my arms and just screams. I dread the idea of putting her down to sleep. I feel out of control. Whenever she whines or cries I get triggered. I feel so much anger against the situation, against her. I have already been a little rough with her when swaddling, I shushed hard a couple of times and I told her harmful things (I know she does not understand but still). For instance today I told her that I hate her, which I do not think is true. I hate motherhood, the situation in itself but not her. After such episodes I begin to feel guilt and I just cry. Then she screams again and I feel anger again, lose patience. Is a vicious circle that keeps turning. My husband knows my feelings and is very supportive and helpful but honestly he cannot do anything. Even is he handles the baby for half of the day, I still get triggered once I get her. I need a looong mental break, but I cannot have it. Having some break does not seems to help me. I feel like a ghost of who I used to be. I feel trapped. I seriously think that given the chance I would revert things and remain childless. I strongly believe some people are not made to be parents, but I did not think I was one of them. I do not think this will pass. It is not just a phase. I am not a children person. I have always been short tempered and having a child demands a huge amount of patience, which I do not have. I do not know what to do. I do not want to fuck up the life of this little baby girl who did not ask to be born. I want to be a loving, caring mother, but I think I am not capable of being such mother. How could I be such a mother if I have started to lose temper and patience with a baby? She is only a little innocent baby and I have already told her I hated her and that I wished she was not born. My actions do not meet my desires, my views on motherhood. I do not know how to cast away all these negative emotions and start being grateful for what I have.