I’m a cow!

[Thanksagainand]

Hello, I’m just looking for someone to say hello really. Finding it very hard atm, teenagers, money, health. Feel permanently exhausted and overwhelmed. Got very drunk last night and took it out on dp. Though not at all sure what I was saying. Just confused and exhausted. Sometimes he can be very..well I think maybe self center Ed but he’s knackered too. Now I’m just ashamed. I’m trying to earn money and not getting anywhere, I feel like I was in the same place last year..and the year before that. How can I get unstuck and move forward in my life?

Definitely value yourself - I know far too many people who think what they 'earn' is their actual value ... sigh

Ah op, you’ve described very well what is happening in a lot of house holds at the moment. Added in to the usual stresses of life we’ve been introduced to a global pandemic and the “joys” of Brexit. You didn’t ask this but you sound great! I love your writing style, so easy to read while being descriptive enough to picture the scenario. You’re doing all the right things. I completely get wanting to earn money, are you wanting to be self employed or work for a company? The house work thing OMG, totally! It seems endless and relentless and thankless. Everything I do seems to have little impact. I work every week day except Monday, I try to catch up with house work on Mondays but seems pointless, tempted to drop the kids off next time and treat myself to a nap instead no one would notice anyway, I always wonder how my life came to this then quickly realise how lucky I am that I have a house, family etc. Good luck and if you ever publish “The Secret Diary of Thanksagainand” put me down for a copy 😉

Oh Phoenix 76, that is the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in a long time! What a lovely compliment, you have very much cheered me up, thank you.
I think we are all in the same boat, endless cleaning and a feeling of triumph when you have a clean kitchen ffs. I’m sure I used to have a career. And interests. If I ever wrote a book it would be very repetitive!

Thanks tittyfilarious. I think I’ve got run down, I miss earning. Dp varies between madly generous - ‘get a lovey hair cut and treat yourself’ to ‘ £30? For a haircut! ‘ which means I never quite know where I am. of course all the financial pressure is on him. Apparently me getting a part time job doesn’t help the family 🤨 I stopped work as I did stupid long hours and had a lot of pressure off the parents to stop ‘what’s the point of having a child if you’re not going to look after her’ plus seeing her for an hour a day, plus most of my wages going in child care. Then I felt so guilty I did all the house and kids. Only reading mumsnet have I discovered that’s not the way !
Thanks yoga, I will try and value myself. I guess that’s what you are all saying really. Good advise!
Thanks all, don’t feel quite so alone and stupid now. 😀

@Thanksagainand Hi , I actually think a part time job might be a really good thing for you it will get you out of the house and give you a change . Why does your husband feel that it wouldn't help the family . X

It’s an ongoing battle. He says I have a degree I should be able to get a proper job, I’m only playing at it and a shop job won’t lead to anything. He’s right of course but after being a sahm mum for aeons I don’t seem to fit in anywhere.In the past it caused a lot of friction when I had a day a week .Which I enjoyed. Obv covid ruined that. It did affect my confidence a lot, but now I’m a lot stronger, which is good. Fellas!

@Thanksagainand Im sorry that it causes conflict ,I can see what he means but a part time job gives you some space away from the house and then from there if it's possible you can go back into the area you used to work in the future x

That’s the plan! I think though, it’s a bit mad. I’d have to pay someone more than I earn to do the diy / garden etc that I do, so it never seems to make sense to go out and earn - unless of course I get a career!

Thanks I appreciate your help 💐

Course it's nice to have money to spend but I think every kid would say it's even nicer to have their mum around When/ if you do feel ready to look for work - it's worth considering that right now so many companies are embracing the kind of flex working that parents were desperate to have ! covid s rubbish but it didn't half accelerate the work life balance conversations ....

Thanks yoga! I’ve got onto a returners course after Xmas by the local council! So fingers crossed !
Thinking nice things about you all, hope you all have a super Saturday x

That's sounds like a good move !

@Thanksagainand that's great news about the returners course after Christmas x

It is! I’m also trying to bea lot nicer and listen to him etc. Tonight saw two friends and was amazed at the struggles they have with their hubbies. Kind of reassuring. Tho do wonder why we. Live with blokes!

@Thanksagainand That's fab you have been to see friends and that having a chat reassured you it can make you feel far less alone when you know other people can have the same struggles . X

Ha, yes. I didn’t realise how important it is to chat to other women. It’s vital!
I am still puzzling things out, Dh wants me to earn and is very dismissive of my attempts. He seems to think if I don’t have a top j ob after years as a sahm, it’s because I’m being lazy and want him to earn while I swan about. I’ve noticed that he gets grumpy if I am working and it interferes with running house, making dinner etc. Also in the day, he will want to do whatever at lunchtime and if I say I am busy, I get an, ‘I’ll go on my own then’ sad look. So of course then I go with him. Yet later, it’s all, .’why haven’t you done x you’ve had ages’ Don’t know why, I find this exhausting, when he challenges me, I can’t remember why I haven’t done x and feel like a failure.
What’s going on! Sorry, moaning but don’t care. Don’t actually remember agreeing to clean his mucky bathroom.

@Thanksagainand Hi , I think you need to sit down with your dh and tell him to make a decision, he either wants you to run the home as a sahm and he works and doesn't complain or he wants you to go back to work and you share the house work with him ,but he can't have it both ways . What would you like to do ? X

You can ask him, as PP suggests, what he wants as it appears he is attacking you on both fronts but it should be clear, to him and also you, that his view isn’t decisive of what you are going to do. Perhaps just point out this contradictory criticism and see what he says. think about what is best for you, as well as the rest of the family. I’m concerned about his lack of support and in fact his criticism of you and the fact you’re worried about going for a haircut. Staying at home doesn’t seem to be suitable for you anymore, if it ever did suit you. I think the re entering the workforce course is a great idea, that’s great you found it and arranged it. I think Employment, rather than self employment might suit you more as it comes with support, structure, colleagues, guaranteed income, paid leave, pension contributions etc. Whatever you do I wish you well.

You sound like you ve post your confidence big time and with it your own sense of value .

So maybe this story will make you smile - recently my DH and I both got hit with huge workloads and were struggling to manage domestic tasks. Then the washing machine broke - the laundry started piling up, everyone was yelling where's my 'PE kit? ' 'where are my pants ? '

Without anyone to cook at normal times kids decided that bowls of cereal and crisps were legit food groups.

The house quickly became a pit of unwashed dishes, we struggled to see clear space anywhere .. carpets looked a different colour..,
Recognising we were failing on epic levels domestically - we threw money at the problem and temporarily outsourced every domestic task - while we were working crazy hours. our kids,- valiantly attempted to 'help' with cooking and cleaning - but results were erm variable. We all preferred the Deliveroo option.

Emergency Outsourcing Costs
50 a week laundry service washes
15 an hour for a cleaner/ ironing
150 a day trade to repair / fix stuff
16 for frozen COOK meal for 4 or £ 60 Deliveroo for 4

Can he actually afford 'not' to have you ? 😉 you are saving him an absolute fortune !

For anyone concerned - We are now living in a clean home, with working appliances and home cooked meals. I kept the cleaner on- having time to relax on Sat instead of clean all day after working5 days is heaven.

In our marriage we don't care who earns - regardless of who banked the funds it's then all treated as income. We manage that income jointly, regardless of who earnt it. We set a budget based on what we can afford. I hope you are getting an equal voice there.

My husband might choose to do a job that earns less than me but that doesn't mean he gets less of the income. We share it equally - it's a partnership. We also believe passionately that your value is not what you earn.
We ve had incomes of 15k total annually and 100k total annually - we re still the same people.

Thanks all. Gosh it’s nice not to feel alone. I agree a proper job would be FABULOUS! I wouldn’t get in till 7! He’d have to cook dinner, etc etc! I’d have money! Mates to go out with! I am so trying to achieve this.

@Thanksagainand Hi op just giving a little wave to see how you are x

Sorry Tittyfilarious81
Just saw this! Thanks for your fabulous name and wonderful support, it’s unbelievably wonderful to not feel alone and a nonsense!
Have given myself a big hug and realised I’ve been letting everything go. It’s hard to see yourself from the outside but scary when you do! So.. tidy me, house, help teens, daily job hunt daily diy. Daily gardening. Daily skill course. This is gonna be the year I earn and pay a cleaner, and a gardener and a painter. And a holiday! Yayyy!

@Feelingoood sounds like a great plan and I hope everything goes great with your returners course , If you get chance pop on here and let us know how it's going xx

@Feelingoood Hi op how are you doing have you started your course yet x