I’m a cow!

[Thanksagainand]

Hello, I’m just looking for someone to say hello really. Finding it very hard atm, teenagers, money, health. Feel permanently exhausted and overwhelmed. Got very drunk last night and took it out on dp. Though not at all sure what I was saying. Just confused and exhausted. Sometimes he can be very..well I think maybe self center Ed but he’s knackered too. Now I’m just ashamed. I’m trying to earn money and not getting anywhere, I feel like I was in the same place last year..and the year before that. How can I get unstuck and move forward in my life?

Maybe last night's conversation can be a turning point for you both to honestly discuss how to tackle your problems together?

@Thanksagainand Hi op I'm sorry you are finding life hard at the moment, teenagers are hard work and can massively push the boundaries and cause lots of drama so I hear you there I find the only way I can deal with it is to pick my battles very carefully . On the money side if you don't already do this , do you know where everything goes ,how much comes in and how much goes out ? . It can be really helpful to do this as sometimes you think you need to earn more but when everything is written down it's more a case of money isn't accounted for or you are paying more out than you need to .

Thank you! It’s more that I’m hardly earning anything and he gets fed up with me. His answer is that I get a better paid job, mine is that I feel stuck and overwhelmed and I hate to say it, but fairly useless. Just that every day the house work is endless. Nice to hear a friendly voice so to speak.

Dp really pissed off with me. He won’t tell me what I said last night, just that I was out of order. He lost the remote which is obviously my fault because the place is a tip. He’s going to get seperate bank accounts, then And see how long I last. And the dishwashers broken and I don’t know how to mend it. I was obviously complaining. I’d unfortunately been reading up on codependency and may have read a bit too much of a thread on here that seems to mirror my situation. I know I should never drink again. I was totally out of order don’t know why I’ did it. I think I was trying to get some glamour back after a weekend of tescos and taking dd to her sports again. Equally he was working and mowed the lawn so for once we were getting on and then I blew it. Bugger. Am so anxious now.

@Thanksagainand Hi op you can't change what you've already said now so you will just have to try and leave that now . DP on about separate bank accounts is probably just a knee jerk reaction because you have fell out . The first thing I would do now is to change what you can so you say the place is a tip in your words so start there bit by bit start to tidy and organize the best you can even if it's a bit a day . It can be very hard to do but honestly a tidier environment can help mentally ,a messy house can feel overwhelming as it feels like nothing you do makes a difference but even a bit more tidy will help .

Some of the anxiety will be the hangover. It will all look different this time next week. Sounds like you two have some issues you need to talk through properly though - like how you can work together as a team to improve things.

Thanks. For your calming words. You are both right of course. I hope it will look better next week. I will get on top of the house, it does make a difference. I was a bit houseworked out, it’s all so relentless. Dp works really hard and is always exhausted. It’s hard to talk stuff through. It always turns into a fight. I JUST want something to feel like it’s getting better, it always feels such a long hard miserable struggle. Washed up with the kids which turned into fun, ( and a lot of complaining!) so that’s a plus.
Thanks for listening.

Well I’ve cleaned the ground floor and got a car full of stufftogotooxfam one day which I’ll take tomorrow. It does look a lot calmer, though it doesn’t look as clean as it should! I think it’s cos everything is second hand I mean vintage.
I’ll make the beds now so upstairs is a bit better. I think I’ve been trying to earn money too much, which he says is a waste of time and I got cheesed off and felt stuck and angry and I guess he’s feeling the same about me. It’s so hard living with people. Actually feel a lot better now, I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed, now feeli a bit more in control. Though that will go when I pay for the dishwasher to be mended. 40 call out then 40 an hour. Plus VAT! Why am i not a dishwasher person??

@Thanksagainand well done op look at each thing you do as a step forward in starting to feel better and less overwhelmed . I'm glad you've felt the things you did make a difference to how you felt

Oh gosh, Thank you tittyfilarious ( what a name!) your comments super helped, so thank you. Isn’t it mad how you can be all capable and then sometimes it just comes crashing down? It’s why mn is so good.
we are still struggling- he’s in one of his moods and doesn’t seem to know how to talk to people, me or the teen.hey Ho. I think I will focus on me - getting the house totally declutter Ed and maybe a lick of paint. Then at least I will feel a bit of a sense of accomplishment. The bedroom blinds are all mildewed with broken strings. They were expensive but are 10 years old. Maybe I can get new ones? Dp says not until we have new windows which means I get mentally stuck and everything stays tatty. Ignoring him then!

I did it again, I’m an idiot.He said,’ teen wasting time on social media she should do x doesn’t do y’ and I said, ‘ ok what are you going to do about it?’
Ouch! He’s gone off to his office, I can feel the vibes from here. Me and my big mouth.
But I mended the dishwasher go me!

@Thanksagainandb I think that's the best thing, focus on you and what you can do each day . The big things like the blinds can hang on for now until you've done everything you can do that's not expensive . Keep going op .

Thankyou titty ( your name!😂😂😂) I can’t thank you enough for being a calm voice of reason. You’ve helped me stop spinning and I have calmed down, looked at it from his POV. And am trying to be a bit more understanding.
Really appreciate your time!

@Thanksagainand

I did it again, I’m an idiot.He said,’ teen wasting time on social media she should do x doesn’t do y’ and I said, ‘ ok what are you going to do about it?’ Ouch! He’s gone off to his office, I can feel the vibes from here. Me and my big mouth. But I mended the dishwasher go me!

@Thanksagainand teens can test every parents patience, if he was saying that to you your answer was actually fine I'd have said the same he's her dad and if he's not happy she doesn't do x and y he can address that himself he doesn't need to have you do it . Fab news on the dishwasher another thing sorted

Oh gosh, thank you for backing me up on that. It’s silly but it means a lot. Dp seems to tell me to do stuff - he’s just been telling me how to talk to the school - Then gets cross if I’ve done it wrong ( in his opinion). To say, you have the problem, you sort it, is a new thing for me, so I’m glad I’m doing it right!😀
Dishwasher broken again😂darn it!

@Thanksagainand keep doing that op , you must remember not everything needs to be on your shoulders there are 2 of you in the house and if you are supposed to deal with everything it will be too much making you stressed and overwhelmed . If he wants something dealing with he can discuss it with you and then come to the solution not tell you what he wants doing and off you go to sort it .

Thanks tittfilarious. I am still learning this. Being calm and smiley and trying to be tidy seems to have bought a bit of harmony back to the home. Phew! We even took crap to the dump together! Thank you x

@Thanksagainand you are doing really well I'm glad that some of the things I suggested have helped you, the little changes really do add up . Keep posting op whenever you feel like it I'll see when you do x

Hey you sound overwhelmed and we ve all been there. I have2 kids, worked in an office job pt, and set up my own small business for extra income - I still could never break even on my bank balance. I worked my butt off - became overweight felt terrible and turned into a snarling resentful beast Husband worked full time too . No family nearby to help and we were permanently exhausted, snapping at each other. Parents get in that space don't they ? It's good you know that you took out your stress in ways that were unhealthy for you / your h. I think don't ignore the pain and frustration you feel inside - it's real. Go take 30 mins out - journal it / call a few counselling line and get your head back to sanity. You re tired, snapping , feeling bad about yourself. Its good to ask for help ( nicely lol ) - say you're struggling, acknowledge your behaviour is off , apologise . Then don't dwell and ruminate in the rubbish , breathe and give yourself some much needed TLC ? Start by being kind to yourself - don't get needy on other people to do that for you lol Get the tidying up broken down into tasks and ask for the whole family to take a task each ? Ask for that Help daily pls ! . talk a fresh air walk, eat a good meal, get some good proper deep sleep. Maybe tomorrow work put your goals on paper and then start working up realistic plan of how to get there. Be positive though - you do have a house / job / family. Maybe not a lot of spare cash - that can change! but right now - a home / job / family is a lot. I lost my job ( redundancy ) closed my business and now work full time - but I ve doubled my income. What changed was the thoughts in my head - it was the most powerful thing I did, took time, took practice and dedication but it cost me nothing to do it. I like a book The Resilence Factor - it's very practical self help. . Got quizzes so you can test yourself and learn what to work on. I transformed 2 difficult relationships using the tools in it. This is just temporary - you ll get through x

@Thanksagainand Hi op how are you getting on ? X

Oh that’s so nice of you to ask! I am trying to be nicer and not so irritated and keep the home clean and he is trying to be jollier. I’m hoping that the argument shook something up. I think it was to do with Dp being critical of ds and dd stepping in. And I drank far too much and agreed with dd.
I meant to thank you yogarebel as well for such a long and helpful post. You said to look after yourself and I realised I am actually exhausted, drinking too much. It’s a year since I had a haircut, my clothes are appalling, my shoes have holes. I’ve got one lipstick and no creams or lotions. My bedroom has a mildewed blind held on with drawing pins and a gloss paint wall that the wall paper is showing through. How can I not realise? In my head I’m thin and together. Err! I am trying to set up a business like you yoga as I just feel unemployable. But am terrified it’s not doing much really. Not sure I have a business mind.
Keep suggesting we plan something nice for Xmas, there’s only us and 2 teens, no family. Dp is always too busy which I’ve realised I find stressful. He doesn’t get why I dread Xmas, and gets cross if I even hint at it. Just dread being bored and yet another night by the tv. So need a change of scene. Wish I had money!

Sorry, went on a bit! It’s much better, I think.

Hello tittyfilarious, I saw you by chance on a thread where you mentioned you are a sahm. So am I! Seems to have just ended up like that. May I ask why you are and how you cope?!

Not at all - it's good to share. Lots of people get rundown , stop taking care of themselves- you have to realise that's happened before change begins. It's possible and you ve started ! That's great. Best path for me was to stop comparing myself / competing with or blaming anyone else for me. Instead I just decided to fix myself and be who I wanted to be
As for money - yes it is nice to have some- no denying it gives you choices BUT You don't need money to have a cup of tea with friends, go for a walk outside somewhere beautiful ( or run ). It costs you nothing to clean your home, brush your hair - style isn't about expensive clothes either( lol ). Plenty of bargains in charity shops. Cooking great nutritious meals can be cheap and easy- learning business skills can be done with U tube ! It costs nothing to smile and be kind to everyone around you. So so Cheesy but so true 😉 'Do today what will make you feel proud tomorrow ! ' I changed my mindset and my life started changing for the betterment Didn't happen overnight but I'm saying I'm proof that a bit of a mental kick up the arse can do wonders !

@Thanksagainand Hi op we decided before we had children that I'd stay home because my husband works long hours so we thought it best that I look after the house and any children we had and he'd work as we could manage on his wages . I cope because I like being at home and I don't see myself as beneath or less than anyone who goes out to work ,I contribute to our family with everything I do ,just like you do op it's important to value yourself and take care of yourself too x