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I don't want to be me anymore (long)

49 replies

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 15:46

Apologises for this being long, but I have nowhere else to turn.

I feel like shit. The past couple of days I have been thinking about my life, and I realised I am such a loser. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, but other than that, I have nothing else to show for in my life. All my life I have been a no one, and no one has cared about me. I am the eldest of four children. My father left us when I was 8, and we only saw him once a month, then once every few months, then once a year. My mother was left to raise the four of us, and as I was the eldest, she took her anger out on me. No matter whether I was wrong or right, involved or not, or even if no one was in trouble, I would get hit. I remember curling up in a ball on my bed, with my arms shielding my head as she constantly hit me over and over. My siblings were just as bad. They use to tease me, call me things like lesbian and tomboy, just because I was more into guy things like Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles than Barbie. They use to poke me and hit me, and even if my mother saw it, she wouldn't say anything to stop it.

School was just as bad. I got beaten up in Primary school, and in Secondary school, I use to be called names. No guy was interested in me. When I was at a party and we were playing spin the bottle, a guy landed on me, but refused to kiss me. Another guy asked me out as a joke. My first boyfriend wasn't until I was 16/17 and he didn't even live anywhere near me. I don't have any one that I could call a true friend. My family still annoy me. My mother and father keep bailing my sister out, and it makes me wonder if I acted more of a slut, would I be appreciated more as it seems to work for her. My mother also makes comments about my approach to parenthood. Usually when she comes round, my daughter is not in a good mood, and she blames this on me boring her and not taking her out or doing anything with her.

I'm not with the father of my daughter anymore. I was never happy with him, and was only with him to begin with as I thought no one else wanted me. I split up with him, shortly after he raped me. He still comes and sees my daughter, as I don't want her to go through what I did without a father around. But everytime I see him, I get so angry and I feel like I could kill him just so he is out of our lives for good, and my daughter cannot go looking for him in the future when she's old enough (I wouldn't really, and I apologise for that thought, but he just makes me so mad!) He sucks up to my mother so she'll always stick up for him and his family. He doesn't help out money wise, never asks if my daughter needs anything unless it just so happens to be her birthday or Christmas.

I feel very lonely and upset on my own. I wish I wasn't and not having people in my life that I can trust and love doesn't help. It really makes me feel so bad that I have no one. I just feel so down about everything, and so fed up, the thought of taking my own life becomes very appealing, but I wouldn't do it, as I cannot leave my daughter to be brought up either by her father or my mother. I don't know why I'm posting this on here. I suppose it's just so I can talk to someone about it, and not have to worry about the consequences afterwards. Thank you if you have read all that. It is very much appreciated.

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tortoiseshell · 13/11/2004 15:50

Oh you poor thing. It really sounds like you have been dealt a terrible deal. How old is your daughter?

I don't really know what to say to help, but have you thought about getting counselling? I know it's the 'obvious' thing to say, but it really can help. I had some a few years back, and it really did make a difference to the way I look at things, and I still benefit now.

Hope things look better soon. Take care. xxx

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 15:54

Thank you tortoiseshell. My daughter is 2. I am on a waiting list to see a counsellor, but I have been told I could be waiting a long time. I have been trying to get myself a job at the moment too to give myself some self esteem and to get me through the day but I haven't had any luck. I hate living off benefits, as I know there are so many hard working people out there who work hard to give themselves a good life.

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dawnie1 · 13/11/2004 15:58

I'm really sorry that you feel this bad . I don't really have any advice to offer or anything but just wanted you to know that I read your message and I really feel for you. Is there any way you and your dd could have a little holiday away just to have a break for a few days ? I think Tortoiseshell is right, you need to talk to somebody - are there any support groups in your area or could you ask your HV or GP if there is a plce where you can go and chat with other mums?

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 16:03

Thanks dawnie1. I cannot speak to my HV as she has a very high opinion of my mother, and although I'm sure if I said anything, it would be kept confidential but I would rather not risk it. I may see my GP again. I do go to a couple of mother and toddler groups, but my confidence has been knocked so much that I am just too afraid of talking to the other mums there. They are usually polite and speak to me a little bit though, but it's that usual cliche of everyone already knowing each other and made friends. I don't think I could afford a holiday, although it would be a great idea. Thanks.

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jollymum · 13/11/2004 16:29

OMG-where do you live, if you don't mind me asking. Your post made me cry and I bet there are loads of us mn out there who would love to be friends with you. You must be so tough, look at all the things you have achieved and not what you think you are/are not. Your dauhter is with you, you are a carin mum making your way through a shitty patch. Holidays, what about doing a swap with someone? You can gladly come here, although we don't live by the sea or anything but you're welcome to come and stay and chat/shop until we drop. Well, I work sometimes but you can come anyway! Please try and smile, we're all here and you keep posting, 'cos you know what, everyone will be checking up on you to see if you're smiling and if you're not, tell us and we'll tell you a very rude joke! Speak to you later, lovexxxxxxDon't mean to make little of your problems, just tryin to help a littlexxxxx

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 16:41

jollymum, you made me smile. Thank you so much. I am a regular poster and I don't think I would seem the type to have all this affecting me. I am trying to get to Mumsnet meet-ups as I think it would probably help.

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80sMum · 13/11/2004 16:42

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I wonder whether you've ever tried talking to your mum about how things were for you as a child, and how this still affects you today? She may have been so caught up in her own stress at the time that she just didn't notice what you were going through and may still be quite unaware of any pain remaining. I feel it might help you to move on if you were able to resolve these isssues with your mother. Do you think she would consent to attending counselling with you, as it seems to me that it is your relationship with her, and your feeling of having been let down by her, that is at the heart of your troubles.
It sounds trite to say it, but try to look to the future. We can't change the past, only seek to understand it better and learn from it.

Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 16:49

Really sorry you feel this way DWTDTAM (could you think of a shorter name?!) I think you are remarkably brave to bring up a child on your own and you must concentrate on that and try not to give too much importance to your mother and ex who are obviously not very nice people. I am guessing but you sound quite young, am I right? Don't give up on yourself and your daughter. For all the bad times you have had, there are bound to be good times in the future if you just hang on in there and look for them. One good man, when you are ready for another relationship, would make the world of difference, and there are plenty of lovely men out there who would see your qualities and love you and dd because of them. Hang on in there! Sending you hugs.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 16:50

You are right 80smum, but I don't think I could bring myself to talk about it with her. I still see her regularly now, although I do try to keep myself busy so she's not around every day. She comes to see her granddaughter, and I think she sometimes forgets that I'm her daughter as well. I try not to cause confrontations with my mother, as she loves my little girl so much and I do appreciate her helping me out with babysitting. She still scares me even now when I'm all grown up.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 16:53

My mum scared me when I was a child and we don't have the best relationship now. She wouldn't spend lots of time babysitting for me, even if she were near by, as she feels I have to learn to cope by myself. At least your mother does that for you, so try to look at the good things you have got, however small they may seem to you.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:08

lonelymum thanks, I am in my early 20's so I think that maybe it bothers me still because of that. I do appreciate her helping me up, but when she's around, she seems to just give me an earfull of what I'm doing wrong.

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80sMum · 13/11/2004 17:10

I understand. I really do. It's so hard to broach this sort of subject. I had some similar issues with my dad (the hitting thing mostly). It wasn't until about a week before he died of cancer that I ever told him I loved him, because suddenly seeing him there vulnerable and dying made me aware of his humanity and fallibility, and that for all his faults, he was still my dad and had done his best to bring me up and provide for me. Even then, we were speaking on the phone because I couldn't bring myself to talk in front of him. To my utmost surprise he replied "and I love you too, I always have, and I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made." That was the last conversation I had with him and it was the first and last time he'd told me he loved me. From that moment, I saw him in a different light and stopped blaming him for my problems and shortcomings. I realised that, yes, he'd been a crap dad in many ways - but he'd done his best.
Could you perhaps write to your mum? Something along the lines of ... "dear Mum, I'm sorry to be writing to you rather than speaking, but this is very difficult for me and I'm not sure how to say it. Firstly let me tell you that I love you and I appreciate all you've done for me. I'm so sorry if what I'm about to say hurts you, as I don't really intend it to, but there are things I feel we have never talked about from when I was younger that still affect me now ........" Worth a try?

Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:11

Oh darling, my mother does that and I am 40 next month!
Still, you have my sympathies. I knew I was right in thinking you are young. I actually don't think the young have it as easy as some older people think. It is a very uncertain time for you, but believe me, you have plenty of time to turn your life around, and you sound gutsy enough to do it.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:15

80smum, I will have a think about that. That's a very touching story, amd it has been years since I last heard or said I love you to her.

Lonelymum, I do hope I am but sometimes it gets all too much.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:17

Is thee anyone else near you you can lean on? I would offer but I don't know where you are and it is not likely to be nearby.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:18

Lonelymum, no. I am on the waiting list for Homestart volunteer and that is more for company than help which HV has set up for me as she knows that part of my downness is loneliness.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:21

Do you not want to say where you are? I understand if that is the case. I am in West Sussex just incase you are nearby.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:33

Thanks Lonelymum, I'm not near you unfortuantely.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:36

Has anything happened lately to make you feel this way, ie what prompted you to post today? Is there something specific or is it just how you feel all the time?

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:40

I was feeling down yesterday. My mother had been round, and she said things about Christmas that just got me thinking about the past. I found myself crying myself to sleep last night over it, and today I had been thinking about it still which was upsetting me.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:42

Christmas is the worst time for many people. What are your plans for it this year?

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:44

I'm not too sure. She wants me to go to hers Christmas Eve til Boxing Day, but that's because she wants DD round. But I would rather spend Christmas Eve here and then maybe go round for Christmas dinner. I don't mind being there part of the day as my brothers will be there, and we get on very well.

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:47

You do what you want. Making a decision that doesn't entirely accord with what your mother wants will show her that you are grown up now and free to make your own decisions. But don't put it to her nastily as you don't want to annoy her.

DontWantToDoThisNoMore · 13/11/2004 17:49

Thanks Lonelymum

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Lonelymum · 13/11/2004 17:51

Sorry, don't want to sound like a second mum to you. Just trying to help