Apologises for this being long, but I have nowhere else to turn.
I feel like shit. The past couple of days I have been thinking about my life, and I realised I am such a loser. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, but other than that, I have nothing else to show for in my life. All my life I have been a no one, and no one has cared about me. I am the eldest of four children. My father left us when I was 8, and we only saw him once a month, then once every few months, then once a year. My mother was left to raise the four of us, and as I was the eldest, she took her anger out on me. No matter whether I was wrong or right, involved or not, or even if no one was in trouble, I would get hit. I remember curling up in a ball on my bed, with my arms shielding my head as she constantly hit me over and over. My siblings were just as bad. They use to tease me, call me things like lesbian and tomboy, just because I was more into guy things like Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles than Barbie. They use to poke me and hit me, and even if my mother saw it, she wouldn't say anything to stop it.
School was just as bad. I got beaten up in Primary school, and in Secondary school, I use to be called names. No guy was interested in me. When I was at a party and we were playing spin the bottle, a guy landed on me, but refused to kiss me. Another guy asked me out as a joke. My first boyfriend wasn't until I was 16/17 and he didn't even live anywhere near me. I don't have any one that I could call a true friend. My family still annoy me. My mother and father keep bailing my sister out, and it makes me wonder if I acted more of a slut, would I be appreciated more as it seems to work for her. My mother also makes comments about my approach to parenthood. Usually when she comes round, my daughter is not in a good mood, and she blames this on me boring her and not taking her out or doing anything with her.
I'm not with the father of my daughter anymore. I was never happy with him, and was only with him to begin with as I thought no one else wanted me. I split up with him, shortly after he raped me. He still comes and sees my daughter, as I don't want her to go through what I did without a father around. But everytime I see him, I get so angry and I feel like I could kill him just so he is out of our lives for good, and my daughter cannot go looking for him in the future when she's old enough (I wouldn't really, and I apologise for that thought, but he just makes me so mad!) He sucks up to my mother so she'll always stick up for him and his family. He doesn't help out money wise, never asks if my daughter needs anything unless it just so happens to be her birthday or Christmas.
I feel very lonely and upset on my own. I wish I wasn't and not having people in my life that I can trust and love doesn't help. It really makes me feel so bad that I have no one. I just feel so down about everything, and so fed up, the thought of taking my own life becomes very appealing, but I wouldn't do it, as I cannot leave my daughter to be brought up either by her father or my mother. I don't know why I'm posting this on here. I suppose it's just so I can talk to someone about it, and not have to worry about the consequences afterwards. Thank you if you have read all that. It is very much appreciated.