My mum called me a monster...........

[MumtoCharlotteMay]

I know this type of thread has probably been done to death now but I really need somebody to explain this feeling I have.

My dd is 6 months old and since having her I've not felt right. I love her dearly but I feel like s**t. I have my good days, but I have very bad ones too. I saw my HV a few months back as I was concerned about the way that I feel, and she put it down to anxiety, no confidence and feeling nervous. She said that should I be suffering from post natal depression I had two ways of dealing with it. One, counceling groups or two, medication. I was convinced I wanted neither after she described what would happen with these two choices. The groups sounded awful from her description and I've always been wary of medication.

However, since those meetings, I've kind of spiraled down again. On my bad days I'm very emotional and angry. I never used to be angry, and was always very laid back and could join in the jokes. But now I'm taking everything very personally. I'm staying with my parents and teenage sister until I return to uni next September. I'm a young, single mum, have no friends where I am and feel very isolated and lonely. Most days I feel incapable of looking after my daughter and sometimes I can convince myself that my dd would be better of without me.

Some days I don't want to get out of bed, others I can snap at the littelist thing. Most worringly of all though, after an argument with my sister the other day I was seeing red and left feeling quite shaken up and angry. When I talked to my mum about it she said a few things that upset me further and I got myself into such a state that I now cannot remember what happened in the time between it happening and me going to bed. My mum described it as me going into a shell and not coming out for anything. I got on with feeding, bathing and putting my dd to bed etc. But I made no conversation with anybody and when they tried to talk to me I ignored them ponit blank. What the hell is happening to me? I don't remember it. I just remember feeling so angry, was this my minds way of dealing with it by shutting everything out?

My mum later said that I've turned into a 'monster'. I don't think she meant it in a nasty, spiteful way. Just that she doesn't recognise me anymore because I'm so different to how I used to be. She has now suggested I ask to be medicated to try and balance my moods.

It's a very bizzare thing because I bumped into my HV the other day and I was having a good day. When asked how I was I said I was good and smiled lots - it was a good day. How will it look to her if I suddenly go back and tell her everyone around me don't know how to take me becasue of my moods, and they want you to medicate me! I'm also very scared of what she might say, i.e. you have pnd. Itake good care of my dd and as I said above, love her completely. But I'm not looking after myself and feel disgusting. People at baby groups aren't very nice to me as it's very cliquey (sp?) despite my efforts to be nice and make conversation.

A few people have asked 'when would you have another baby?' to which I've laughed hysterically, as the mere thought of it practically makes me hyperventilate with fear and disgust.

Is this maybe pnd? Should I go and see the doctor? I know the answer to that will probably be a yes but I'm scared to. Has anyone had any of this, and how did you get throught it?

MumtoCharlotteMay, don't be hard on yourself, it is a total shock having your first baby, I found it difficult and I have a very hands on DH to help, but at times when he was at work I would go through the motions with DD but I did feel quite isolated.

I tried a few baby groups but in the end stayed in touch only with my NCT group, (still in regular contact 4 1/2 years later) Some of the M&T groups are fairly hard going but give a couple a try before you write them off completely, and ask you HV to give you a contact number for your local NCT group, it doesn't matter that you haven't been with them all from pregnancy, I'm sure you would be made to feel welcome.

My sister in law moved to a different area and didn't know any other mums, so I suggested NCT. She was a bit wary at first as she was told lots of tales of NCT'ers looking down on FF babies, and being very "earth mothery types", but as in all groups there is a real mix and I'm sure that at least they would support you and your baby, just give it a try.

Finally I'm sure you're not a monster and that your Mum made a poor choice of words, I would go and see the GP or HV and just say exactly what you have said here.

These feelings wont last forever, you will enjoy being a Mum to your sweet little girl.

Hope this helps. x

i haven't got time to answer you in any depth now but yes you need to see a doctor. That's what the HV would tell you to do if you went to her so if you like you can miss out seeing her and gp straight to your gp.

Anxiety can be a symptom of PND and the HV should have known that. This site may give you some useful info. One on one counselling should also be an option if the group stuff doesn;t appeal to you. I feel the same way about group therapy.

Hope someone with more time is along soon

I'm no expert but I would definitely advise you to go and see your GP - it sounds VERY like pnd to me.
Taking medication (if that is what s/he suggests) is not a bad thing to do - just like you would take insulin if you were a diabetic or have a plaster cast if your leg was broken - think of it that way and not as something dreadful/shameful.

Please make an appointment with your gp, you don't have to suffer anymore.

Sweetie, yes, it is PND, I think. I've never had depression per se but am a veteran of anxiety and it is very powerful, but it is not you, iyswim. Do go to your GP. You are a good mother in a difficult situation and your dd loves and needs you - you are her world.

You don't have to be counselled in a group; you can have 1-1.

Please see your doc. I had PND which was untreated for a long time because I felt like you, which made the whole thing far worse than it needed to be, and I ended up having a bit of a breakdown. Ineeded counselling and drugs to get better, my only regret was not starting them sooner because they did the trick in no time. I identify with almost everything in your post - please get help, you do not need to be suffering like this.

Have to echo everyone else and say "see your doctor" but don't bypass your HV - she may well offer you sone supportive visits. Mine was fantastic when I had PND. I rang the HV's number when I was in tears one day and she literally dropped everything to come and see me plus she also spent the next six weeks coming to listen to me once a week and it really helped.

Definitely go to your GP too though - the combination of anti-depressants plus the wonderful support I had from my HV helped me feel better really quickly. I had to continue the ADs for six months and my HV stayed in touch monthly after her listening visits had stopped.

Thank you very much for your replies. I think the worst thing is most of the time I'm aware that the way I'm acting is wrong, except for Monday night where there is this big blank where I cannot remember what the hell went wrong or happened.

I'm so scared of going to the doctors, I feel like a bit of a fraud because I do have days where the sun shines and everything is great. But they don't happen very often. God I'm a bit of a mess aren't I!

I never thought motherhood would be like this, it's so different to what I was expecting. I can't believe I'm admitting this but I don't enjoy being a mum. Love my dd, but don't like the job. I feel guilty about everything, no matter what it is. Nothing I do for my dd is, in my eyes, good enough. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, like someone else would do it much better. I get envious of my mum when she's with my dd because she seems to do everything right. How awful is that?

PND is very common (1 in 7) it's not your fault and having PND and being a good mum are not mutually exclusive. As everyone else has said, please see your HV or GP (write down what you have said here if you feel you may wobble).
In addition, there are several things you can do to help yourself feel better.

1. take a little exercise each day (even just a brisk walk to the shops or for a coffee is good)

2. Get plenty of rest (depression and tiredness go hand in hand) and don't be afraid to ask your family for any help. It sounds as though your mum is worried about you so she may well be willing to help you.

3. eat regularly (foten you may not feel like eating, or may just want to eat crap, but a well-balanced diet can work wonders.) Some foods are particularly good for helping boost your mood - bananas, chocolate (!), nuts...

4. Kepp any goals/aims in a day small and manageable - and don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve them. Every day is a new day and a new start.

5. keep posting on here, there are hundreds of mumsnetters who have been there, got the t-shirt - most importantly they have got through this, and you will too!

good luck x

I had a very similar experience with pnd and the only way that I could reach out was to telephone my HV whilst they were closed for lunch- I explained how I felt and that I was having really good days and then really bad days where I couldn't answer the phone or door. My HV come over, we talked things through, she then made me an appointment with my GP and came with me, they both recommended me to see a counsellor and within 3 months I felt great.

The problem with M and T groups are they are very clicky but when you are feeling delicate then everything seems worse.

The easiest group I found to break into was a song and rhyme group at my local library, again my HV came with me and introduced me to a couple of the mothers and I went every week with DD, I made a couple of friends who I then went to M and T with and coffee mornings.

The HV is a fantastic resource who will be able to help you and will totally understand.

Keep your chin up!! We are all routing for you!

I didnt make it very clear- sorry I spoke to my HV answerphone. because I couldnt face doing it on the telephone!

Yeah llm I'm at a baby music group too. I have met one really nice mum there and we meet up at a toddler group and have gone for lunch before. Unfortunatley, she is the only one who's been nice to me and is the only one I've been able to form a friendship with. The rest aren't very nice at all, and I don't think it's just me being too sensative and feeling this way because the woman I get on with has noticed it to. It is just very clicky, and to be honest they're not the sort of people I want to know after the way they've acted in the past.

I might give my HV a ring tomorrow because I think she does home visits on a Friday. FoulOlRon you made some good points, my diets crap, I'm still 2 stone over weight after having my dd and I don't look after myself. I haven't even got dressed today, like most days.

Anyway, got dd all bathed so better get her fed and into bed. Will post tomorrow about HV.

Mumtocharlottemay - did you go/phone? Thinking of you
x

Just logged on quick to see how you are doing today? feeling any brighter? x

Ad's can turn your life around. You'll look back on this and be amazed and sorry for yourself that you felt like this. It took me three years to take them and I almost instantly felt better. I SO wish I'd done it when DD was 6months ,

You are not being 'medicated', the ADs are not addictive and their effect is incredibly subtle. You will still be completely yourself.

I wwish I'd done it earlier for the sake of my daughter - we missed out on such a good time when she was a baby...

agree redadmiral. I wanted to stay at home with my dc's until they went to school but found it so hard. Had mini breakdown when they were 3 and 2 i think, had a memory blank in which I apparently smashed up all the kids toys. Went and got me some prozac and a year later i am so much better.

The up & down nature you describe is VERY pnd form what I remember of it. I had it with both of mine & the medicaction was very light & only for 6 months- but the first time I tried to soldier on & didn't get treatment for ages. TBH I don't remember a lot about that time which is a shame as I missed so many of her first milestones.

AD's are so clever these days & GP's MUCH more clued up on how to help, be kind to yourself & good luck.

Again, would just like to say a huge thank you for all of your replies. I went to the doctors on Friday to see if I could speak to a hv but the one that I like, who saw me last time was on anual leave last week. So I've left a message and will hopefully see her tomorrow.

I feel very sad for some of you who have shared your experiences because they sound very like mine, and I feel awful for anybody who feels this way as it's fairly unpleasant. But thank you for sharing. Even though it's sad to hear others are going or have gone through this, it is nice to know that I'm not alone with the way that I feel. I'm glad to report that it's been a good weekend, and I've felt generally ok. Although I'm suffering with some very painful headaches at the minute, which I'm told can be a 'symptom'.

With regards to AD's, I think like a lot of other people, the thought of being on them scares me a bit. I can't explain why. But after reading some of your posts I'm starting to think that it may be a stepping stone to getting better, and not just being medicated iykwim? I've had quite a quiet, relaxing weekend which has been great as I've not felt angry. Though my dd's teething and ear infection have made her incredibly groughy and clingy, which have had me twitching at times! I think that this is what has had me feeling so confused, happy one minute, angry and sad the next.

Will be back tomorrow to report on the hv.

Good luck tomorrow.

After my second child I told everyone that I was 'fine'- I don't know why. I can totally relate to the idea of being really smiley and chatty to the HV.

For me part of it was that I have always been an upbeat and optimistic person, and I felt that was the best way to deal with feeling low - trying to ignore it and act positively.

Let us know how you get on.

Oh yes I remember doing the smiley happy thing with my HV too. Luckily she was very clever and saw through it ( I must be a terrible actress). PLease don't feel bad about taking anti-ds - its just medicine,as they say, if you had daibetes you wouldn't feel guilty about taking insulin. PND is an illness, quite a serious and difficult one, and it needs to be treated. Honestly you won't believe how much better you will feel soon - you willl get your normal self back, that's all. Let us know how you get on!

I have just found this trhread and wanted to add my bots to it.

You are being a great mum, you are aware how you feel and are taking some actions, whoch is more than I did.

I have two boys 15 months between them and I am suffering with PND after tyhe borth of the second. I did not admit it and it took my DH dragging me to the doctors to get things moving. I was very silly and suffered in silence. I thought I was going mad, as I loved one, but not the other, infact I did not hate hom, I just didnt feel anything for him.

I am receing treatment now, I have weekly councelling (one to one) and also CBT at home. Things have improved my DS2 is a wonderful chold and I am so grateful for him and to my DH for making me accept I had an illness.

I am so pleased that you are taking action and realise you have an issue.

Good luck and heres to more Sunny Days

mumtocharlottemay - i cant read this and not post a great big hug to you. It doesnt take a genius to see that you have PND, i have to say i do feel a bit cross with your HV as she seem to do exactly what my HV did, told me i had PND and then basically left me to it. Hopefully you will get some more help today.

I completely bypassed my HV (after suffering for two years!!) and went to my doctor. She was great. Offered me ADs and like you i was wary, especially after reading the side effects. But i finally took them, i take citalopram which were diagnosed for anxiety and depression. They have saved my life, quite literally i think! No one really knows how bad i was feeling and i really dont think i could have dug myself out of my hole. I am not having counselling, far to little, but its a start.

I suspect you will be offered a similar drug, may i ask how old you are? That may affect what you are offered.

Can i just say, how much i admire you though. Here you are with a young baby and you are coping so well. Where abouts are you btw? I go to a music group, id hate to think i was blanking someone, but maybe if you are shy i might presume you dont want to talk (wouldnt it be a strange coincidence though!! one id willingly discuss over coffee!!!)

What will you be studying at uni? this will be great for you when you go back. HAe you organised your childcare? I know that the creche at my uni was pretty much booked solid, however they give priority to students. Maybe you could look into this, get things set up for when you return, or are you lucky enough to have your mum help.

Your mums comment was not helpfull really, but i do understand, i bet she is scared actually - talk to her, tell her how you feel, ask her to come to the doctors with you.

If you do get offered citalopram, take it, snap their hands off - yes, there will be side effects to begin with but its short term and nothing can be as bad as what you are feeling now.

I wish you all the luck in the world - you are a great mum to your baby, she is lucky to have you.

Opps, bit of a typo in there - i AM having counselling (honestly sometimes my fingers run away with me!)

I just want to second what everyone else has said too, PND is an illness, get treatment, you wouldnt hesitate to seek help if you had a bad back or the likes. There is no shame in this. Just get yourself better and enjoy your baby.

Someone else has posted similar to this, and it can be tough to take advise on board when you are so low but make sure you get out of the house every day, even if you put that beautiful baby of yours into her pram and walk around the block. The fresh air will do you both good, and if it is cold cold cold, you can look forward to coming home to a nice hot cup of tea. I know that sounds really trivial but it works, believe me!

Hello.

Oh your all so lovely! I went to the doctors yesterday to get Charlotte weighed by the hv, and when I got in it was my hv luckily. So I spoke to her about it all again and she felt awful for me, she genuinly thought I was ok because I've seemed that way, I must be a 'better' actress glastocat lol! Anyway only half way through my long list she stopped me and told me she would have to refer me to somebody else, as there was only a certain point to which she could offer help and advice. So she's refering me to a specialist guy who deals with this sort of thing, and I should start going to a 'life after birth' group in the New Year.

But she then said she didn't think it'd be wise for me to wait until the New Year in my current state to do anything about it, so she refered me to a doctor. I saw the doctor today who again, stopped me half way through what I was saying (I'm starting to wonder if I'm just boring them!!!) and printed out a prescription. It's citalopram like you Lucy, 20mg a day, 1 pill. I go back in 3 weeks to see how I'm doing and to check if they need to up or down the dosage. I was told they'd take between 1-2 weeks to start taking an affect. I'm gurning and grinding my teeth like mad, is this an effect? My mum will come home and think I've been poppiung pills!

Had a chat with my mum last night and she said she didn't mean to upset me the other night, and that she was really worried about me. Also managed to walk out of the room last night when my sister was trying to gode me into an argument. I felt myself getting angry and just picked up dd and walked out, which is what my hv and doctor have told me to try and do. It's a small step but a good one.

Lucy I'm 20 and I live in Scotland. I'll be studying Primary teaching and speacialising in Early Years. Dd will be my test subject Will be getting everything organised asap, especially childcare as it'll be all full up soon. Just not been in the mood to do it though.

Can anybody tell me the side effects that the pills may have? I went in for a cup of tea in town today and took my pill, and I think I must have dropped the info slip in the cafe!

Hello again. Yes, grinding teeth is a side effect, and jaw-breaking yawning. Probably just as well you lost the slip as the list of possible side-effects is long and slightly scary
First and most important I think is that you MAY feel worse for a few days before you get better. If you feel too bad get your mum's support, or get straight back in touch with the doctor to make sure it's affecting you in the right way. I think very rarely the dose or medicine needs adjusting.
Assuming that goes ok, there are a few side effects that will probably lessen or disappear in a week or so. You can feel a bit sick, poss tired, the yawning thing, sometimes disturbed sleep if you take it at night, and possibly long and vivid dreams. These are all the ones I remember, you may have none of them. A search for Citalopram side effects on here will probably pull up others.
That's the downside. The good side is that you should start feeling MUCH better soon. I think the effects are subtle, so it's hard to describe quite how it might affect you. I found that I just felt much more like chatting to other mums, and really enjoying social interaction again; I felt much more relaxed and less inclined to worry unneccesarily; and felt more positive toward people - much less inclined to argue, which I had been doing a lot of.

Well done for getting it together. It's really hard to act when you feel like that, and it's very scary to take pills. (I had a 3 prescriptions and 1 unopened packet in the cupboard before I was brave enough to take the first one.)

Really hope you feel better soon, keep in touch.

Congratulations for taking the first step!! You have done soo well! I really hope that you start to feel better soon.