My mum called me a monster...........

[MumtoCharlotteMay]

I know this type of thread has probably been done to death now but I really need somebody to explain this feeling I have.

My dd is 6 months old and since having her I've not felt right. I love her dearly but I feel like s**t. I have my good days, but I have very bad ones too. I saw my HV a few months back as I was concerned about the way that I feel, and she put it down to anxiety, no confidence and feeling nervous. She said that should I be suffering from post natal depression I had two ways of dealing with it. One, counceling groups or two, medication. I was convinced I wanted neither after she described what would happen with these two choices. The groups sounded awful from her description and I've always been wary of medication.

However, since those meetings, I've kind of spiraled down again. On my bad days I'm very emotional and angry. I never used to be angry, and was always very laid back and could join in the jokes. But now I'm taking everything very personally. I'm staying with my parents and teenage sister until I return to uni next September. I'm a young, single mum, have no friends where I am and feel very isolated and lonely. Most days I feel incapable of looking after my daughter and sometimes I can convince myself that my dd would be better of without me.

Some days I don't want to get out of bed, others I can snap at the littelist thing. Most worringly of all though, after an argument with my sister the other day I was seeing red and left feeling quite shaken up and angry. When I talked to my mum about it she said a few things that upset me further and I got myself into such a state that I now cannot remember what happened in the time between it happening and me going to bed. My mum described it as me going into a shell and not coming out for anything. I got on with feeding, bathing and putting my dd to bed etc. But I made no conversation with anybody and when they tried to talk to me I ignored them ponit blank. What the hell is happening to me? I don't remember it. I just remember feeling so angry, was this my minds way of dealing with it by shutting everything out?

My mum later said that I've turned into a 'monster'. I don't think she meant it in a nasty, spiteful way. Just that she doesn't recognise me anymore because I'm so different to how I used to be. She has now suggested I ask to be medicated to try and balance my moods.

It's a very bizzare thing because I bumped into my HV the other day and I was having a good day. When asked how I was I said I was good and smiled lots - it was a good day. How will it look to her if I suddenly go back and tell her everyone around me don't know how to take me becasue of my moods, and they want you to medicate me! I'm also very scared of what she might say, i.e. you have pnd. Itake good care of my dd and as I said above, love her completely. But I'm not looking after myself and feel disgusting. People at baby groups aren't very nice to me as it's very cliquey (sp?) despite my efforts to be nice and make conversation.

A few people have asked 'when would you have another baby?' to which I've laughed hysterically, as the mere thought of it practically makes me hyperventilate with fear and disgust.

Is this maybe pnd? Should I go and see the doctor? I know the answer to that will probably be a yes but I'm scared to. Has anyone had any of this, and how did you get throught it?

PS. Don't know if it's a side effect, but I felt more inclined to tell people that I was taking them at first - later I decided it was my business. I don't really care as I think the more people that talk about it the better, but if you live in a small town you might want to err on the side of caution.

The other thing that might be useful is that if you feel after a few weeks or months that they've suddenly stopped working, it might be worth getting the dose altered or changing type of tablet. I think it's very unlikely, but it happened to me, and I only worked it out after searching Mumsnet, my GP had never heard of that happening.

mumtocharlottemay, ive just seen this. That is really fantastic that you have got some help. Like you say, the ADs are not the answer, but they put you in a place where you can sort your head out.

Scotland couldnt be any further away from me, as i live in the south of England! But i was thinking about you the other day and i thought about the baby music group that i go to. I remember thinking what a bunch of stuck up bints, and to be fair, alot of them are, however it is not the best place to start a conversation as all the time is spent on singing. A bog standard M&T group is better for making friends, but if you anything like me, its a slow process.

Great about the teaching course, i am actually thinking about going into teaching at primary school, the only thing putting me off is the thought of more exams. In fairness you will probably make more friends there as you will have more common ground.

I think red admiral outlined the side effects really well actually. Just as well you lost the data sheet, its enough to put you off, but then if you actually look up the side effects of paracetemol it can be scary!

For me i was a bit manic in the first week, i did feel a tiny bit sick and i sometimes have trouble staying asleep. Oh, and then theirs the dreams, sad thing is, i quite like those as they are really vivid and i think because im on the "happy pills" then they are not upsetting like my dreams can be.

As for the teeth grinding, yes, i thik i did that too, and the face twitching but it was very transient, also i think in the first few weeks you are sort of looking for side effects. I did have a few panic attacks, but i just said to myself, its the pills its the pills!

Best of luck with everything and i wish you a wonderful xmas with your little one. I know she is only six months but they do pick up on the excitement. Take lots of pictures

i would also second what red admiral said about telling people. I have told a small group of people, three of them are close friends and another two or three mums at play group. I do think you have to chose very carefully who you tell this sort of thing to. I definately dont want anyones pity, i have an illness and im receiving treatment, its as simple as that. I haven't told my mum as she is of the generation that would only think of ADs as some terrible mind altering thing which will result in a lifetime addiction. They are NOT like that now, but i know i couldnt explain that to my mum and dont want her to worry, i know she knows there is something wrong and i think she knows i take some sort of medication, but she never asks.

Also, ask the doc to check your thyroid. It can go haywire after having a baby.
It's probably fine, but worth checking as it can make you depressed.
Good luck!