I am close to ending it

[Notagoodplace]

Im in my late 20s, on paper my life is pretty good. I have a good high paying career, a good circle of friends, have family support, single with no kids. Not saying this to brag but to highlight that I know I could and should be more grateful.

I feel empty and useless though... Hopeless.

All my insecurities are about my appearance. I don’t want to sound too self pitying as I know it’s very superficial but I feel robbed of my teens and 20s? I don’t think I have once gone to a social event or into work without immediately thinking shit do I look odd. Dont think I have properly been able to let go and enjoy the moment. I have a big skull, bad facial structure, an oddly shaped body with deformed breasts (probably my biggest insecurity and one I’ve never shared with anyone IRL), bad skin, acne on my back and chest, open pores and oily skin all over my face. Pasty skin all over my body. Just objectively have absolutely no single body part that I tolerate or even like. This isn’t body dysmorphia, it’s just realism.

Over the years I’ve had some male attention but never a boyfriend. Always kept my bra on when DTD, always felt such shame when I’ve had to undress. I can make myself look good in photos and on video calls then when I’ve arrived on dates I’ve just read their expression and you can tell they’re not into it and being polite.

I want to opt out. I hate leaving the house now (I have to now post covid for work and hate it), have cancelled all my social commitments and deleted all my online dating apps. I feel broken. I absolutely loathe who I am, inside and out, this stupid shell of a body I’m trapped in for the rest of my life. I appreciate this probably sounds like the pinnacle in superficiality for some but I think it’s one of those things that only really bothers you when you don’t have it, like money - it consumes your waking hours.

The last few years I have been hanging on, I had goals, I always thought I was ok-looking, I worked on myself and improved. Suddenly, recently, everything that was wrong just hit me. It was all so wrong. There is not a single redeeming feature.

I wear makeup up, I dye my hair, I generally take care of myself. I hate myself so much that I don’t have sexual desires anymore. I get nervous when I have to undress in front of a man. As much as we sugarcoat it, societally much of a woman’s worth is centred around her appearance. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m fed up of this lonely, shit, unrelenting existence and starting to get consumed with bitterness - I work so hard, I’m smart, I care so much about others - but because of the lottery of genetics, it’s so much harder / impossible for me to fully enjoy life, have a fulfilling romantic relationship...

I want out so much.

This is the saddest post ive read in so long 😭😭 but you are beautiful. You are loved.

Can you have a breast augmentation? What about getting some acne cream for your back and chest (I have used this in the past it really helped, acnecide)

Have you got any mental health support? You sound incredibly anxious can you contact your GP to see if some anti anxiety medication may help you?

Oh love this is so sad

Please don't end it xx

Thanks for your reply, just had a little cry! Really kind words

This sounds crazy but sometimes I wish I didn’t have a face 😂 I have no pride or self esteem, it’s absolutely pathetic! At work, I know my shit and have confidence in that side of things (have to pretend I’m a functioning human being - exhausting!), when I’m out of work mode, I just want to curl up and die!

Every social event is a performance.

It feels so excruciating to say this but all I’ve ever wanted was to be “pretty” and sometimes I thought I was, men would say I was, friends would occasionally say I was out of pity - had a conversation with a friend recently about how some men will accept utterly unreasonable behaviour from their girlfriends but still stay and she bluntly asked “well are they pretty though? That’s why” and it just hit me like a ton of bricks! Men will tolerate things from a pretty woman, you on the other hand will never be a pretty woman, so will have to be perfect in everything else to even get a look-in. Friend is very pretty, we both know I’m not 😂

Im so bitter and I hate it. I was researching extreme surgery recently and would honestly have all of it (boob job, face, everything) but I just don’t think it would help, I would look botched.

Life is only really kind to you if you’re average to above average in looks. My whole “look” is trying to disguise my flaws to pass as average, I wear clothes that hide my flaws, I wear makeup to emphasise the only good bits I have. I’m so tired of it, so tired.

You sound so very sad OP, have you spoken to your GP about this? The feeling of everything suddenly being wrong is how I have felt in the past when seriously depressed. It creeps up insidiously over time then suddenly one day literally everything is dreadful and impossible to cope with.

I not beautiful or slim or particularly attractive in any way, and it used to really bother me in my early twenties and make me really miserable, Especially the lack of interest from men. Over time it has changed - I haven't 'learnt to love myself' or any other clichéd thing people suggest but reached an acceptance with myself. Being treated for depression was the only way I could do this.

Keep talking OP, I'm sure lots more posters will have some helpful advice

I totally relate to the not wanting to have a face! When I felt really depressed I couldn't bear anyone looking at me or even glancing at me. I would wear dark colours constantly and try and blend in as much as possible!

I do think particularly beautiful women receive different treatment. You sound really intelligent and articulate OP, and something I realised about myself is that intelligence is an insanely huge advantage in life in a lot of ways. So many things in life are easier for me than many others, and we are all made up of a mish mash of traits that make life easier or harder for ourselves.

OP I am in my late twenties too. relatively attractive but have never had a boyfriend, no close friends either. I would trade looks for your circle of close friends in an instant. I am well aware that my looks will fade in time anyway.

Thanks that means a lot. I would trade places with you too 💕

This is going to sound awful but here goes. In the right light and with good make up, I can look good looking to well really good looking. I went to a club a few weeks back and was getting a lot of stares from the men there, one bought me a drink in the queue, one came up to talk to me. Not bragging at all, just saying that it’s sometimes like living a bizarre half life because in the right light, I can attract people (maybe I also looked more confident? I remember feeling very confident for an hour or two) and then bam, today, I’m looking at myself in the cold light of day and I am disgusted.

It makes me feel shit because I taste what it’s like to be average / pretty but know I can’t maintain it... Feels like a sick fairy tale 😂

Even if your looks are below average (whatever that means), there are tons of kind, funny, loving men who also look ‘below average’ and there’s no reason you won’t meet one sooner or later.

I am so sorry for how you feel OP.
It must be hard to feel like that and I wish I could offer you some help in any way.
As other posters have said, please seek help from your GP. You are good as you are and I hate how society makes women feel that no matter what, they’re never good enough.
Please seek help, depression can make everything look doomed but you can get better. Please don’t give up.
Sending you hugs

So it sounds like it’s not really your features it’s your skin that’s upsetting you. I was the same but didn’t have the money you have to sort it. For me the face and body acne improved once I passed 35. Pretty sure it was hormonal. My advice would be go to see an excellent dermatologist. If you could improve your skin I suspect you’d fall in love with yourself.

The messages really mean a lot and I’d like to apologise for the huge pity party. I could stand to lose weight and I feel like that along with the skin is probably not helping at all. I will commit to the gym over the next few weeks, commit to eating nourishing food (these two are always the first to go when I’m low) and also get booked in with a good dermatologist. I’m also open to surgery etc, especially for my breasts as they absolutely kill me. They look fine in certain lights, just small, but they’re tuberous if anyone is aware of what that is, so basically like breasts but worse 😂

I really do appreciate the kindness and helpfulness of the comments on here. So much of them are honest, kind answers to what I can’t say in real life and it feels cathartic to be able to share anonymously and get compassionate advice in response! So thank you so much

Just to add, I’ve showered and now the old thoughts are coming back re my body and face etc. Just trying to block them out. Can I ask if any of you love what you see in the mirror? Or at least like? How does it feel?

It's definately worth speaking to your GP about your breasts. I know that some breast augmentations are eligible to be done on the NHS in cases of tuberous breasts, and even if that isn't the case anymore they might be able to suggest surgeons who have experience in that type of augmentation.

I think it's about 0.0000001 percent of women who look in the mirror and don't see any flaws.

Can you do something to take your mind off it to give yourself some breathing space? Eating healthy and going to the gym can go either way - self care or self flagellation for the perceived flaws. Imagine how you would treat a beloved friend who was feeling this bad and treat yourself like that. Have you confided in anyone close to you about how you feel? Often the act of telling someone who knows you well can make things feel less overwhelming.

I'm not a mental health professional but you sound in a very very bad place mentally. There is a worrying level of self loathing in your post. This is what really needs to be addressed, especially before making any major decisions. I promise you, bad looking women in their 20s do not exist

OP I get where you're coming from. I have felt exactly the same. Sometimes I would lie there and mentally list what I hated about every single feature of my body and face (especially face).
I know people say that surgery isn't the answer but I did have some to treat a deformity and it really helped me.
I still don't love photos of myself but as I've got older I do feel a bit better. Having never been pretty, getting older isn't as unkind to me as it is to some people who have relied on their looks to get by!
Also, I exercise regularly. I sometimes have to force myself to do it but I feel stronger and I've started to appreciate my body for what it can do, not just what it looks like.
Sorry, this is a ramble, but please know that you're not alone.

You've spent around a third of your conscious life hating yourself. That's very sad, and a strategy that's failing you badly.

You say your looks are stopping you from being happy and having a relationship. I guess you've inherited the way you look mainly from one of your parents. Do they have a successful relationship? What about siblings, cousins or aunts who have similar looks?

You are intelligent. Intelligent people know that successful and happy long term relationships are based on mutual values and goals, honest communication, trust and respect. Yes, looks are one part of a very large picture but if you hang all your hopes on the corner of the mirror you will never attract the kind of man who will love you for who you are.

I've just googled tuberous breasts - there seems to be a huge disparity; some look completely normal, others do look better after surgery.

Given you're unlikely to post a pic of them on here, you could have an initial consultation with a cosmetic surgeon to get an impartial view on your options.

Finally watch on repeat. Every day.

Op I’m not an attractive woman, when I was younger I could ‘pass’ if I dressed up and did my hair and wore makeup but estenially in the cold light of day I always looked (and look) fairly shit…. BUT i learned to love my body, I took up running and rock climbing and my body got strong and enabled me to do things that I really enjoyed and let me explore the world in ways I just couldn’t have if I hadn’t just got on with it. You’re young, please let your body give you the freedom of being able to get strong and enjoy the physical sensation of doing something you love, there’s a pleasure all of its own in using your body to do wonderful things. Oh and I also learnt how to figure skate as an adult, then any time you feel crap, you can grab your trainers or ice skates or climbing shoes or what ever and go and do something that makes you feel strong and fast and honestly it just blows alll the other shit away!

Are you on Instagram a lot? I think the filters on there do a lot of damage. I would also get rid of mirrors. I think lots of us who are constantly on teams meetings are fed up and self conscious about our appearance having to stare at our own faces all day.

OP I look in the mirror and like what I see. Sure I have open pores, a massive mole on my face, less than white teeth and stupid red skin... but my self confidence and knowing that I'm a good person makes it all okay. I love myself.

You can make some changes if you are really unhappy.. but they might not make you happy.

Hey - it's SO hard not being a conventionally attractive woman. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I am truly very weird-looking (have a genetic deformity - I'm not at all trying to say you have anything like this going on!!!) and never got attention from men; it was one factor among thousands of others that contributed to very poor mental health for years.

For me, that did eventually change and I'm much happier now. I don't want to overwhelm you with a long reply, but can really relate to your post. I would urge you to join a subreddit called 'Vindicta' on Reddit - it's a bit weird and subculture-y, but it's a very frank and realistic place focused on changing your looks. I think therapy can be incredibly helpful but sometimes concrete help/change is needed too.

I have felt like you have, although it was in my late teens. It does sound like depression.

Get to your GP for some meds and get some counselling. You can pay privately for counselling rather than wait on the NHS.

I have open pored, oily skin. I started dermatica about 15 months ago and the change is amazing. It doesn't work overnight and I did go through periods of flakiness, but it's the only thing that has really helped it.

There is a lot about my body that isn't perfect, my legs are short and stumpy, I have saddle bags and cellulite. I have stretch-marks and my boobs are small and flat/empty looking. My nose is too big for my face. My body is healthy though, and I try to focus on that and other positives.

You can try journaling 3 things you are thankful for every day. I can already see a few in your posts.

Please reach out and get the help you need and deserve. You are beautiful

The older I get the more I realise beauty is in the soul, usually the eyes radiate that. And expression.

Many traditionally good looking/models/celebs/ neighbours whatever who might catch the eye initially- can be really unattractive close up. It's true.

Looks are an illusion. The people who know this are the ones who are worth being friends or lovers with.

Look through a different lense. Some of the most unusual, non typically attractive people are fascinating to look at. Unusual features, original shapes and configurations- like fashion- what's normal and common becomes dull.

I want to live in a world where people look different, all shapes and sizes. Look at nature, plants, trees- there is mass variation and that's what makes it alive and thrilling.

I hope you are able to enjoy being in your body.

P.s.
Agree with other comments- it sounds like you're describing self loathing - which is serious and can be worked through with a good therapist. Be kind to yourself.

Lordy, wishing you didn't have a face. This was me in my 20's. I used to fantasize about having an injury that required a full head bandage.

I am in my 40's now and can honestly say I am utterly stunning. Maybe not to others but who cares about them.

You can get past this. It's a mental not a physical battle. Please get support. Start with your GP. Look after your mental health and then think about the physical stuff when you are strong enough.

You are beautiful
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
You are beautiful

You are so articulate and well valued by your family and friends. You do sound mentally in a bad place, is it possible you overstate your negative physical features but undersell your positive ones? Maybe people don't see you as you see yourself?

The easiest physical thing you can change is your figure, could you work out at home and focus on your diet?

Sorry that isn't a great response, I just couldn't read and run.

I bet you don't even look that bad. I think it's probably just you who sees your flaws.

Plenty of people go on dates and get rejected. It's got nothing to do with being ugly.

Sometimes you're just not someone's cup of tea. And that's okay. Plenty of other people will love your looks.