Im in my late 20s, on paper my life is pretty good. I have a good high paying career, a good circle of friends, have family support, single with no kids. Not saying this to brag but to highlight that I know I could and should be more grateful.
I feel empty and useless though... Hopeless.
All my insecurities are about my appearance. I don’t want to sound too self pitying as I know it’s very superficial but I feel robbed of my teens and 20s? I don’t think I have once gone to a social event or into work without immediately thinking shit do I look odd. Dont think I have properly been able to let go and enjoy the moment. I have a big skull, bad facial structure, an oddly shaped body with deformed breasts (probably my biggest insecurity and one I’ve never shared with anyone IRL), bad skin, acne on my back and chest, open pores and oily skin all over my face. Pasty skin all over my body. Just objectively have absolutely no single body part that I tolerate or even like. This isn’t body dysmorphia, it’s just realism.
Over the years I’ve had some male attention but never a boyfriend. Always kept my bra on when DTD, always felt such shame when I’ve had to undress. I can make myself look good in photos and on video calls then when I’ve arrived on dates I’ve just read their expression and you can tell they’re not into it and being polite.
I want to opt out. I hate leaving the house now (I have to now post covid for work and hate it), have cancelled all my social commitments and deleted all my online dating apps. I feel broken. I absolutely loathe who I am, inside and out, this stupid shell of a body I’m trapped in for the rest of my life. I appreciate this probably sounds like the pinnacle in superficiality for some but I think it’s one of those things that only really bothers you when you don’t have it, like money - it consumes your waking hours.
The last few years I have been hanging on, I had goals, I always thought I was ok-looking, I worked on myself and improved. Suddenly, recently, everything that was wrong just hit me. It was all so wrong. There is not a single redeeming feature.
I wear makeup up, I dye my hair, I generally take care of myself. I hate myself so much that I don’t have sexual desires anymore. I get nervous when I have to undress in front of a man. As much as we sugarcoat it, societally much of a woman’s worth is centred around her appearance. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m fed up of this lonely, shit, unrelenting existence and starting to get consumed with bitterness - I work so hard, I’m smart, I care so much about others - but because of the lottery of genetics, it’s so much harder / impossible for me to fully enjoy life, have a fulfilling romantic relationship...
I want out so much.