Would a disfigured face put you off someone? Honest answers without judgment

[yourfaceisntmyface]

Hi everyone, have name changed for this as it's quite outing and personal but would like to hear your honest thoughts...

I was always deemed quite popular/ pretty with lots of friends and a fairly good social life when I was younger (school age) when I turned 20 I had an illness that has left me permanently paralysed down my face, needless to say it is very obvious and of course very unusual so I get lots of stares, funny looks and this has really impacted me throughout my adult life. I find when I am out with friends, new people will very obviously avoid looking at me or making eye contact and I don't understand why this is. I am extremely friendly and very kind so it's not a case of I'm rude and people just shouldn't instantly like me. I would just like some outside feedback as to what your reaction would be to someone that looked different? Would you avoid a friendship if the person looked different to the normal, if so explain ( just eager to know ) would you ever date someone that you got on well with but again had a disfigured face?

Discussion commencing... 😀

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I wouldnt treat you or view you any different. Its peoples personalities that draw me in, not how they look.
But I'd imagine some people avoid looking and eye contact when they don't know you due to worrying that you think they are staring.

No - it wouldn't be an issue for me, but I do avoid eye contact and looking at someone's face as I'm autistic so that might bother you!

No it wouldn’t put me off.

new people will very obviously avoid looking at me or making eye contact and I don't understand why this is.

I’m not defending it, but just because you’ve said you don’t understand why this is, I would guess that for some people they are overly conscious of not staring. So they go too far the other way because they’re thinking “I don’t want to offend her by making her think I’m staring”

Wouldn’t put me Off, When I read heading I presume a disfigurement would been burn or scars and much more “damage” for want of a better word. I have obvious disability and am wheelchair user so very well aware of the instant oh someone different I’m going ignore you or treat you like you are stupid. I still make new friends and feel like if anything it filters out any flakey friends as those make effort are likely to be keepers. My friends always get referred to as my mum (even if we same age!) or my carer.

But also im aware sometimes if meeting new groups people some are reluctant to get to know you, seems to be thinking that I can’t have any friends and if they are even slightly friendly I will instantly want to be their new Best Friend and they will be stuck with me!

Yes I think people are just conscious of not staring.

One of the women who works in my favourite cafe has a facial paralysis that I imagine is similar to what you're describing. I noticed it at first but very quickly didn't. And that's at the level of a waitress I see once a week! Wouldn't even occur to me as a reason not to date or be friendly with someone.

God no! Why would it? It would take a very shallow person to be like that. Mind you I think some people are just socially awkward or just have poor social skills in general. That could perhaps explain what you have encountered?
Don’t let it hold you back in socialising or talking to people, if anyone has a problem it’s their problem not yours.

When I was younger and a few years apart I was with two different lads with facial differences.
One had a cleft lip and the other scars from a bad accident.
I knew them both through friends so I fancied who they were rather than what they looked like. Both quick witted and funny.
I think when you know someone you kind of stop noticing how they look, people we see daily often don't notice hair changes etc
It definitely wouldn't affect my being friends with someone!
I may be one of the people trying too hard not to stare though.
I have scars on my body and a weird posture and while I know people are just looking because humans look at patterns and mine is odd I feel self conscious when I notice so try not to do it to others.

It wouldn't bother me. I've dated a guy with a cleft lip, and I have a mate with a similar condition to you - you stop noticing it really quickly! The only time I remember my mate has it is when she's tired, as it's a little more noticeable. Very few people are perfect - most people have imperfections; asymmetrical faces, broken noses, scars, acne, odd ears, weak chins etc. And sometimes those things are what makes them attractive, because they stand out from all the TOWIE style blown up lips, frozen faces and hair extensions.

No, it wouldn’t put me off, but I probably wouldn’t make eye contact because of trying not to stare, because honestly, I’m a nosy bugger and would be wondering about your life and past (I don’t stare at people with ordinary symmetrical features, I assume they have equally symmetrical lives) yet I know very well how hostile staring can feel.

Thank you for your lovely replies. I have no issue with people being curious (I too am curious about things that look different, so no issues with that) I'm just glad that you feel it wouldn't hinder any friendships ❤️

I grew up with a skin condition and was regularly ignored, ridiculed and treated like I was contagious. It was hideous. I hope that this experience has taught me to be less judgemental of others physical appearances. Also I would say that people are often delighted to write down how accepting they are but my lived reality was a million miles away from this.

Wouldn't put me off. Namechange fail, OP?

I think anyone that looks a bit "different" doesn't automatically attract someone immediately however I am always attracted by anyone who can make me laugh and has a positive outlook mysch more than looks.

So I would say you need to build friendships first and let people see your attractive personality as that's far more enticing than looks

I might be one of those who look away. It’s because I don’t want to offend you by seeming to stare at you.

I’m capable of getting into a self involved anxiety loop about how often I should make eye contact when talking to someone new - enough to show they have my attention but not so much that it seems like I’m trying to start a staring contest. If someone has eg a scar or a birthmark I’m even more worried about it because I know that they do have to put up with people gawping at them and being rude to them.

It wouldn’t put me off being friends with someone or dating them (if I dated.)

A relative of mine is married to someone who seems to have paralysis on one side of her face (I don't know what caused it and have never asked). She is beautiful, almost intimidatingly so, and she is so lovely, I think that is what shines through most of all when you talk to her.

I’d like to think people wouldn’t. But I’m aware people stare not always meaning to.

I have a scar from brain surgery that is down part of my face and through my hair (leaving a bald line). It affected muscles around my eyes. I’ve lived with it with for 25 years. After the surgery it took a long time to heal and eyes/mouth affected. At age of 20 I was very self conscious but tried to distract I went from long blonde hair to very short bright red hair so friends who knew me before where more shocked by that! As I’ve got older it’s part of me and yes I wish it wasn’t there.

I’ve had relationships, married for nearly 18 years! And made new friends kept old friends.

I wish people would just ask! I’ve no problem explaining! Aware it’s probably the first thing people see when they meet me.

I had a feature that people commented negatively about. It made me very self conscious and extremely shy. I did think people couldn't bear to look at me. But in hindsight I think my obvious discomfort was what caused them to not look at me. So I think that can be a factor. It's not that they see anything wrong, it's more they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

"Also I would say that people are often delighted to write down how accepting they are but my lived reality was a million miles away from this."

Sadly, my experience.

I do like to feel attracted to someone, but I definitely think it’s about how they carry themselves and how they move. I think this is the same for myself too. I notice sometimes I just really attract people to me like a magnet. I can feel it in myself.

Other times I am not feeling it and no one will be attracted to me.

My Ex wasn’t attractive facially, but he just had something and I found that very attractive. Honestly I thought I’d found the perfect guy, because I thought he wouldn’t be popular. Little did I know loads of women found him attractive!

So honestly I really do think that attractive is way, way more than a perfect face. I do think it’s partly being really comfortable with yourself sexually and that just gives off a kind of something!

I'm going to be honest and say yes.
When you first meet someone physical attraction is very important and is one of the first things that draws you in, you have to fancy a potential partner. From my own experience this initial attraction is quickly overtaken by other personality characteristics and values etc. I'm sure I could fall in love, fancy, marry someone with facial disfigurement, but I would expect it would be a love born from friendship first not eyes meeting across a crowed room sort of thing.

Also, agree with others, I expect people avoid eye contact because they don't want to stare, no other reason.

I think I do look a bit too much at first. It's as if I want to understand what your face looks like, does that sound terrible? Then once I've sort of figured out how your face looks different to mine I don't bother any more. I would hate to think I was staring though, although I suppose I am.
I wouldn't think any less of you or not be your friend.
I sometimes find I'm repeatedly staring out of the corner of my eye to try and work out what's different about someone, is that worse than looking directly? I have no idea.

No, not at all. My boss has a huge birth mark across his face and neck. He's a very good looking man! Married with kids too.

But I agree, I'd probably look too much to begin with, and I'm sorry - I'll check this behaviour any time I meet anyone in future, it must be awful on the receiving end and I should know better.

Wouldn't bother me, but I'm a curious (nosy) person so would ask you why once I got to know you!

I would never make direct eye contact at all the first time I met anyone. But I think I might be crap at eye contact as I would be really conscious of not staring or appearing to in anyway. I'm terrible at eye contact anyway. So I think my eye contact would be off until I had spoken to you maybe two or three times. But after that I would get over myself.

I know that's a horrible thing to say but it's my issue with myself and I'm being honest. I only know as i have a friend with a large birthmark and my normal "look at their mouth / over their head " to avoid eye contact went to shit as the birthmark is on their mouth area. After two conversations I can feel more confident and look them in the eyes so I'm ok.

Are people talking to you and listening back? Is it just eye contact or do they seem more avoident?
Some people are a shit and socaily inept. I think I might fit well into this category too. I do listen and talk. All my body language would show you that. But with very limited eye contact.

I do suspect their is a big reason why I cant make eye contact but I think maybe a lot of people struggle with eye contact and then if they feel rude doing the look at your ears, past your head it might feel starey.

A friend of mine was terribly disfigured. She spoke of similar experiences to yours. Personally as I knew her either side of the accident it became normal after a while, but it was awfully hard knowing the suffering that it signified. You might find people struggle to know what to say because they are preoccupied by wondering what happened and know that it's bad etiquette to do so.