Brace yourself, this is going to be a long post.
I'll start from the very beginning as I don't want to drip feed - this is also very outing but at this point, I need advice from people who are on the outside.
My mum was an addict, my dad had severe depression and I was sexually abused as a child by a family "friend".
I was taken by my Grandparents, best thing that happened to me, they were my whole heart. They loved me, protected me, showed me affection, taught me right from wrong and were just my absolute world.
I met my now Husband at 13, by the time we were 21, we were married. My Grandfather had passed from cancer when I was 20 and he was 66. It hit me hard.
We started trying for a baby after the wedding, it took me a year to conceive followed by multiple miscarriages (in double figures). Then my Grandmother passed unexpectedly aged 69, she went into hospital with a bad chest infection, they rang me one day, said she had lung cancer and wasn't going to make it through the day. Again, I was hit hard with grief and despair.
So my Husband was left as the only security I had.
I started antidepressants at 14, I have had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I take my meds every day and work a full time job however I am often very tired, I also have endometriosis and an autoimmune disease. I fell into the habit of getting home from work, showering and going to bed.
My Husband has always been (up until now) a kind, caring, man who works hard and not spending time together started to cause arguments which was understandable, I appreciate it cannot be easy living with somebody with depression and anxiety when you don't suffer with these yourself. It's complex and must be frustrating for the other person.
Last Friday, after coming home from work due to pleurisy, I spent the weekend quite down as I was feeling ill.
When I am having a "dip" with my anxiety or depression, I don't become argumentative or what could be seen as "difficult". I simply withdraw until I come out the other side.
Monday, he came home from work, I was in bed still with this illness and told me we are done. He still loves me but I make him miserable.
A week before we'd been laughing and dancing together at a beer festival, in the week we'd cuddled up and laughed at the tv together etc (it just went downhill from Friday).
I lost it, I shouldn't have but I was in shock, I've spent 16 years with this man. I threw my wedding rings down the stairs at him, smashed our wedding photo off the hall wall, I know this was absolutely unacceptable and I didn't do this towards him, he was in the kitchen I just lost it.
He went to work the next day, in despair I took a large overdose and was on my way out of the door ready to jump in front of a train when for some unknown, reason my Aunt randomly was stood outside my front door as I opened it. I had taken a lot of diazepam, sleeping tablets, codeine etc. She never just calls round, we are close but she realised I'd been crying, my hair wasn't even brushed and of course once she was inside, I was getting sleepier and sleepier and she realised what had happened. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital for 2 nights then discharged to a "safe house" 30 miles from home as the mental health team deemed me a risk to myself (understandably).
I have been here since Thursday night, it's scary and dirty, my bed sheets were covered in what looks like old period blood, something is smeared on the walls, the people here are heavy drug users (I have never took drugs due to my Mum being an addict and it scared me into never taking them), for the first 48 hours I was petrified. It's got better as I've got to know some of the people here and I'm truly in awe of how much they've been through and are still here.
My Dad has been to see me, my Aunt, my stepmum came to see me whilst my Dad had to work yesterday and now I feel very lucky that I have family who love me and friends checking in when I've realised some of these girls here have nobody.
I didn't hear from my husband whilst I was in hospital, he ignored my calls and instead left w key for my aunt to go in and collect what I needed. I wrote to my Husband a big letter from the heart, I came clean about the sexual abuse I'd suffered. I had told nobody before, ever. This man actually went to prison a few years later for sexually abusing his granddaughter for years and died of heart attack whilst inside. I thought maybe he'd understand how all of the traumatic events on my life ended with me being depressed.
That night I received a FaceTime from him, he cried, told me he obviously had no idea and he was so sorry that I had carried this heavy burden for such a long time and he now understood why I finally snapped.
He made it clear he was not going to come and visit me here as it was too difficult for him however he said due to my telling my secret, he wasn't sure if he wants to be with me or not? So now I'm laying in bed every single night wondering whether I'm going to come out the other side of this with the love of my life and able to go home to my happy place, my comfort or whether I'm going to have to face more heartbreak.
I do have to go to a psychiatric hospital for a little while and they are trying to get me a bed asap. He has told me once I complete my therapy there, we will go for dinner and discuss. He will decide whether he wants a future with me or not. I feel so worthless, low, unwanted, abandoned, scared for what's coming and I don't know how to cope with this.
I asked if he still loves me, he said yes and he always will but doesn't know if he can be with me. He's been going out with friends, football etc since I've been in this unfamiliar house, miles from home, scared and in the middle of a mental breakdown.
I love him and want to get better so we can have a good future, no more not spending time together, I want to learn how to deal with my trauma and learn coping mechanisms, that's why I'm here. I will see it through but something kicked in today and I thought to myself, after all these years together and my marriage vows that I wholeheartedly meant "through sickness and in health" it would break my heart to know he's in a place like this, crying every night, lonely, suicidal and scared. I would be here as much as I could. I'd be telling him that I am proud of him for sticking this out and that I'll be on the other side when he's out.
I suddenly feel very angry and hurt and I'm wondering whether to break my own heart and walk away with at least a little bit of my pride left than wait for a man to tell me whether he does or doesn't want me anymore. If I do walk away, I will wonder what if we could of worked it out. If I don't and he ends things on the other side of treatment, once again my life is going to be turned upside down, will need to find my own flat or house etc without the man I planned my life with.
I'm not a bad person, I've made mistakes, I've suffered a lot of heartache and I've apologised to him for not getting help sooner or recognising that he was struggling but he still insists he will not know until I'm out of treatment. He's removed his wedding ring etc.
If anyone has any advice or just an opinion, or what they would do in this situation, I would so appreciate it. It's keeping me up at night. When I do sleep, I dream about him. When I'm not crying, I'm imagining him taking me home to work on us and love each other.
Thanks so much if you read all of this xx