Husband "not sure" if he wants to be with me.

[miamigirl3]

Brace yourself, this is going to be a long post.

I'll start from the very beginning as I don't want to drip feed - this is also very outing but at this point, I need advice from people who are on the outside.

My mum was an addict, my dad had severe depression and I was sexually abused as a child by a family "friend".

I was taken by my Grandparents, best thing that happened to me, they were my whole heart. They loved me, protected me, showed me affection, taught me right from wrong and were just my absolute world.

I met my now Husband at 13, by the time we were 21, we were married. My Grandfather had passed from cancer when I was 20 and he was 66. It hit me hard.

We started trying for a baby after the wedding, it took me a year to conceive followed by multiple miscarriages (in double figures). Then my Grandmother passed unexpectedly aged 69, she went into hospital with a bad chest infection, they rang me one day, said she had lung cancer and wasn't going to make it through the day. Again, I was hit hard with grief and despair.

So my Husband was left as the only security I had.

I started antidepressants at 14, I have had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I take my meds every day and work a full time job however I am often very tired, I also have endometriosis and an autoimmune disease. I fell into the habit of getting home from work, showering and going to bed.

My Husband has always been (up until now) a kind, caring, man who works hard and not spending time together started to cause arguments which was understandable, I appreciate it cannot be easy living with somebody with depression and anxiety when you don't suffer with these yourself. It's complex and must be frustrating for the other person.

Last Friday, after coming home from work due to pleurisy, I spent the weekend quite down as I was feeling ill.

When I am having a "dip" with my anxiety or depression, I don't become argumentative or what could be seen as "difficult". I simply withdraw until I come out the other side.

Monday, he came home from work, I was in bed still with this illness and told me we are done. He still loves me but I make him miserable.

A week before we'd been laughing and dancing together at a beer festival, in the week we'd cuddled up and laughed at the tv together etc (it just went downhill from Friday).

I lost it, I shouldn't have but I was in shock, I've spent 16 years with this man. I threw my wedding rings down the stairs at him, smashed our wedding photo off the hall wall, I know this was absolutely unacceptable and I didn't do this towards him, he was in the kitchen I just lost it.

He went to work the next day, in despair I took a large overdose and was on my way out of the door ready to jump in front of a train when for some unknown, reason my Aunt randomly was stood outside my front door as I opened it. I had taken a lot of diazepam, sleeping tablets, codeine etc. She never just calls round, we are close but she realised I'd been crying, my hair wasn't even brushed and of course once she was inside, I was getting sleepier and sleepier and she realised what had happened. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital for 2 nights then discharged to a "safe house" 30 miles from home as the mental health team deemed me a risk to myself (understandably).

I have been here since Thursday night, it's scary and dirty, my bed sheets were covered in what looks like old period blood, something is smeared on the walls, the people here are heavy drug users (I have never took drugs due to my Mum being an addict and it scared me into never taking them), for the first 48 hours I was petrified. It's got better as I've got to know some of the people here and I'm truly in awe of how much they've been through and are still here.

My Dad has been to see me, my Aunt, my stepmum came to see me whilst my Dad had to work yesterday and now I feel very lucky that I have family who love me and friends checking in when I've realised some of these girls here have nobody.

I didn't hear from my husband whilst I was in hospital, he ignored my calls and instead left w key for my aunt to go in and collect what I needed. I wrote to my Husband a big letter from the heart, I came clean about the sexual abuse I'd suffered. I had told nobody before, ever. This man actually went to prison a few years later for sexually abusing his granddaughter for years and died of heart attack whilst inside. I thought maybe he'd understand how all of the traumatic events on my life ended with me being depressed.

That night I received a FaceTime from him, he cried, told me he obviously had no idea and he was so sorry that I had carried this heavy burden for such a long time and he now understood why I finally snapped.

He made it clear he was not going to come and visit me here as it was too difficult for him however he said due to my telling my secret, he wasn't sure if he wants to be with me or not? So now I'm laying in bed every single night wondering whether I'm going to come out the other side of this with the love of my life and able to go home to my happy place, my comfort or whether I'm going to have to face more heartbreak.

I do have to go to a psychiatric hospital for a little while and they are trying to get me a bed asap. He has told me once I complete my therapy there, we will go for dinner and discuss. He will decide whether he wants a future with me or not. I feel so worthless, low, unwanted, abandoned, scared for what's coming and I don't know how to cope with this.

I asked if he still loves me, he said yes and he always will but doesn't know if he can be with me. He's been going out with friends, football etc since I've been in this unfamiliar house, miles from home, scared and in the middle of a mental breakdown.

I love him and want to get better so we can have a good future, no more not spending time together, I want to learn how to deal with my trauma and learn coping mechanisms, that's why I'm here. I will see it through but something kicked in today and I thought to myself, after all these years together and my marriage vows that I wholeheartedly meant "through sickness and in health" it would break my heart to know he's in a place like this, crying every night, lonely, suicidal and scared. I would be here as much as I could. I'd be telling him that I am proud of him for sticking this out and that I'll be on the other side when he's out.

I suddenly feel very angry and hurt and I'm wondering whether to break my own heart and walk away with at least a little bit of my pride left than wait for a man to tell me whether he does or doesn't want me anymore. If I do walk away, I will wonder what if we could of worked it out. If I don't and he ends things on the other side of treatment, once again my life is going to be turned upside down, will need to find my own flat or house etc without the man I planned my life with.

I'm not a bad person, I've made mistakes, I've suffered a lot of heartache and I've apologised to him for not getting help sooner or recognising that he was struggling but he still insists he will not know until I'm out of treatment. He's removed his wedding ring etc.

If anyone has any advice or just an opinion, or what they would do in this situation, I would so appreciate it. It's keeping me up at night. When I do sleep, I dream about him. When I'm not crying, I'm imagining him taking me home to work on us and love each other.

Thanks so much if you read all of this xx

Firstly, I'm really sorry for what you've been through and for the situation in which you now find yourself. None of this is anything you asked for and life can be very cruel sometimes.

Now, in the nicest possible way, and said with true care for your situation, you do not know what it's like for him on his side. You know what it's like to experience what you are experiencing. The same for him- he really has no idea what it's like to feel as you do. But to grow up all through your teen years and into adulthood and feeling you're personally responsible for someone else's happiness and stability is more wearing than most people would credit. And I don't just mean tiresome. I mean a type of misery that seeps into the bones. The type of sadness that isn't improved by dancing around at a festival, no matter how light and carefree the moment was. Your every day is on a relentless downer and no matter how hard you try, you can never succeed in lifting up the person who seems to need you so much you can barely get a moment to think about what YOU need and want.

You're viewing his disengaging from your current situation as selfish, when it's probably self care. As much as he may love you and you him, he's not responsible for your happiness or mental stability and it's unfair to make him so. He has a right to say it's not working for him and not to feel that he's responsible for your suicide attempt because he put himself first and was honest about his feeling. He may have felt this for a while and been worried to say because of your reaction. You talk about yourself snapping. He has done the same. He has reached a point where he cannot go on with it.

I know it's painful, but having someone stay with you because they're afraid you might hurt yourself if they leave, or because they feel obligated to look after you is not the same as having a loving and supportive relationship. I appreciate that you have said you would support him in this situation, but you don't have seven or more years of propping him up under your belt. He does and he doesn't think he can do it anymore. His emotions and needs matter as well. The best thing you can do is respect what he's asked for and also give yourself time to feel better and happier.

I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you but I don’t think it’s fair that you are putting so much pressure on this man. It’s not fair that you took an overdose and brought up your sexual abuse just because he wanted to break up with you. He needs to take care of his MH too.

I think you both need some space away from each other. You need to learn to be on your own and be ok with that.

I would text him and apologise and say you think it’s better if you both have some breathing space from each other. And then take some time to focus on you and get yourself better.
Learning how to be strong on your own is the most powerful feeling.
You can do this OP

@AveryGoodlay

May I ask why you chose that particular time to disclose the sexual abuse? No judgement I'm just curious. I'm a sexual abuse survivor from a very young child to my teens and then from an abusive partner. It just seems like more pressure at a time when all you had was pressure if you see what I mean.

I understand, I felt that for once and for all I had to let everything out for the real opportunity to get better and stronger and for not keeping such a horrible secret.

He's been the person I trust the most, aside from my grandparents, for as long as I can remember and for some reason I just could never find the words to tell him or anyone.

Thank you for the message and I'm sorry to hear that you have been through that and an abusive relationship. I hope you are well x

@MacMahon

It’s difficult to get a handle on your situation. Are the heavy drug users in rehab? It doesn’t sound very safe.

No, not rehab. It's a safe house or "crisis" house. They do activities here, they aren't allowed to do drugs in the house or on grounds but the idea is that they have support workers 24/7, a warm bed, food, activities etc x

@Quartz2208

Oh OP I am so sorry for all you have been through but this relationship isnt what either of you need.

It sounds as if he has become your security and you have become dependent on him - that isnt healthy for either of you.

You need to focus on your recovery alone

I agree, I've become dependent on him because I learned that I could trust him and he's never hurt me.

I am focusing on building my own self belief and independence. Thank you for your kind message xx

@RedToothBrush

You need you to get better.

You cannot do that with your husband. Not because he's a bad man or no longer loves you. But because you have been with him for so long and he's become a crutch. If he's unhappy, then its never going to work and you'll never be happy either. You deserve to be happy and that has to come from within to be long lasting.

You need to learn to walk again for you. You need to learn to be happy for you, no one else.

You have a million possibilities of what your future could be. Thats exciting as much as it might be terrifying. Don't focus on the one thing its not going to be and the certainty that wasn't making either you or your husband happy anyway.

Embrace it. See it as being set free from the past and an opportunity to move forward.

Thank you for your uplifting and kind message xx

@MaudebeGonne

I am so sorry that you have been through such struggles. It is so unfair that some children aren't cared for and nurtured in the way they deserve to be. You have done so well to survive everything that has been thrown at you.

However, you cannot make someone stay who doesn't want to stay. And even if I loved someone, I would struggle to be able to come to terms with such a serious suicide attempt. What if you had been successful? I would be frightened that I could never have an honest conversation with you again.

You deserve to be happy and to thrive, not just survive. You need to learn to find that within yourself, not from anyone else. Let him do his thing and you focus all your energy on yourself, on your recovery. You might find that you will always love him as a friend, but actually, you are a different woman now. You might want a different kind of future.

I hope my words aren't too harsh - I hope that this is the lowest point in your life, and that this time next year you are looking back with amazement at how far you have come. Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much. I agree with what you have said. I realise I was wrong for taking the overdose as a reaction to his honesty but it was really my absolute lowest moment and the heartbreak was indescribable but I completely understand what you mean about next time it could be the end of my life and that would put him through an awful lot of pain. This is why I'm working hard to address my trauma. Thank you for your message xx

@NightOfTheLIVingDeadMumsnet

We're so sorry to hear that you're having such a terrible time of it, *@miamigirl3* - we hope you don't mind but we've moved your thread over to our Mental Health topic as it seemed more appropriate than AIBU. We hope you get some useful advice here.

Thank you xx

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Hi OP

From a different perspective, I often see posts that are the reverse of this situation. A woman who has been with someone for years with anxiety and depression. It's not clear how much your issues have impacted on him and how supportive he was but if he was halfway decent he will have been supporting you fie years.

In these posts the poster often says how they love their partner but their constant change in moods and always having to be the strong one, showing support etc eventually becomes overwhelming and eats away at the relationship. Especially if they know or feel like they cant leave because their partner would do something stupid- its so much added pressure. The general advice is that someone can't just keep on giving support in a relationship to the detriment of their own happiness, indefinitely, without the relationship breaking down due to unhealthy dynamics. The posters are often advised to leave and put their own happiness first for once. I dont think it's true necessarily that he has run when things have got bad - its sounds like he has been there for you through a lot of shit and he may simply just not feel like he can support you through another crisis without it starting to affect his own mental health. It may be that he is a total selfish shit bag, but I don't know.

This isnt to say that any of this is your fault, at all, you have had to go through so much that most people would have broken by now, and it sounds like you are really trying to help yourself and I think that you will succeed. But it might not be all his fault either. You are two people who are just trying to deal with a load of shitty circumstances.

I think you need to concentrate on you now. The relationship might be over but if you want it to have any chance of surviving, or have any healthy relationships in the future then you need to learn to be accepting of and be at peace with yourself. And you can't do that if you think you are dependent on someone else to make you happy. I'm not explaining myself very well and I know it's a massive cliche but you do need some time and space to work through issues and to heal yourself. If the relationship is over then you will be able to cope on your own. If it isnt then it will be better if you are less anxious and depressed and reliant on him

I think the one thing you need to be clear on is boundaries though. It wouldbt be fair on either of you if one of you thinks this is a bit of space and one of you thinks it's a proper break and is seeing someone else.

Thank you, I completely understand that.

I cannot imagine how hard it's been for him to be pushed away, thank you for putting it from a different perspective.

All I can do, like you said, is get myself better and see what happens. He isn't an awful person, he's supported me through a lot, whilst also grieving for the babies we lost. I will keep this in mind when I feel angry.

We spoke tonight and he cried and told me he has no intention of seeing anyone, he wants to see me get better and then maybe we can rebuild our relationship on a new chapter.

Thank you xx

@Frazzledmummy123

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been through .

Your husband sounds very selfish, and I notice you said several times in your post 'HE doesn't know what HE wants', he is only thinking about himself and what he wants. What about how YOU feel? From what I see, he has turned his back on you during the time you need him the most. After sharing something truamatic about what happened to you, instead of being there for you, he implies he doesn't want to be with you because of it and continues going out with his friends, etc. Meanwhile you are on your own in that place, heartbroken and recovering from an overdose. This is unforgivable behaviour and you would be more than entitled to send him packing! .

Saying it is too difficult for HIM to visit you is unbelievable, unless there is a good reason like a negative connection to the place but in which case, he should have told you. When you listed the things you'd be doing for him if the situation was reversed, you mentioned everything he should be doing, but isn't.

Concentrate on getting yourself better first and foremost, his feelings don't come into this. Your recovery is about you, not him, or nobody else. You have come a long way and are doing great. When you get out, you need to evaluate if you can live with his current behaviour and treatment during this horrific period in your life. Personally, I'd struggle if my husband did that to me and not sure I could accept it. Take back some control and don't let everything be HIS decision. It is all too easy for me to say 'he is a selfish git' and to get rid of him, obviously it isn't that simple as you love him

I wish you all the best in your recovery, and hopefully your husband will come.tomhis senses and step up. If not, I'd seriously re-evaluate your marriage as his attitude and behaviour quite frankly stinks

Thanks so much.

This is why I'm so confused as it's not his nature to be selfish or about himself, but maybe he really is at breaking point too and in the midst of my own despair, I haven't noticed his.

Xx

@CaputApriDefero

Firstly, I'm really sorry for what you've been through and for the situation in which you now find yourself. None of this is anything you asked for and life can be very cruel sometimes.

Now, in the nicest possible way, and said with true care for your situation, you do not know what it's like for him on his side. You know what it's like to experience what you are experiencing. The same for him- he really has no idea what it's like to feel as you do. But to grow up all through your teen years and into adulthood and feeling you're personally responsible for someone else's happiness and stability is more wearing than most people would credit. And I don't just mean tiresome. I mean a type of misery that seeps into the bones. The type of sadness that isn't improved by dancing around at a festival, no matter how light and carefree the moment was. Your every day is on a relentless downer and no matter how hard you try, you can never succeed in lifting up the person who seems to need you so much you can barely get a moment to think about what YOU need and want.

You're viewing his disengaging from your current situation as selfish, when it's probably self care. As much as he may love you and you him, he's not responsible for your happiness or mental stability and it's unfair to make him so. He has a right to say it's not working for him and not to feel that he's responsible for your suicide attempt because he put himself first and was honest about his feeling. He may have felt this for a while and been worried to say because of your reaction. You talk about yourself snapping. He has done the same. He has reached a point where he cannot go on with it.

I know it's painful, but having someone stay with you because they're afraid you might hurt yourself if they leave, or because they feel obligated to look after you is not the same as having a loving and supportive relationship. I appreciate that you have said you would support him in this situation, but you don't have seven or more years of propping him up under your belt. He does and he doesn't think he can do it anymore. His emotions and needs matter as well. The best thing you can do is respect what he's asked for and also give yourself time to feel better and happier.

Thank you, I agree and see your point in everything you've said xx

@WonderfulYou

I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you but I don’t think it’s fair that you are putting so much pressure on this man. It’s not fair that you took an overdose and brought up your sexual abuse just because he wanted to break up with you. He needs to take care of his MH too.

I think you both need some space away from each other. You need to learn to be on your own and be ok with that.

I would text him and apologise and say you think it’s better if you both have some breathing space from each other. And then take some time to focus on you and get yourself better.
Learning how to be strong on your own is the most powerful feeling.
You can do this OP

Thanks so much.

I have apologised, I fully accept accountability and I should not have done what I did.

I'm lucky that he is still supporting me, even if from a distance. That says a lot and these posts have opened my eyes to that. Xx

Ah that makes sense thank you for responding.

The advice I would give would be to have some time apart and work on getting yourself well. If you had broken your leg you wouldn't try running a marathon straight away. You'd build up step by step. That is how you need to build up your mental health.

These things are sent to try us. But I'm a big believer in people being much stronger than they thought they were in the face of a big challenge.

I was sexually abused as a child too and like you, I've never told my family or friends. I was harshly rejected by the only man I've ever been attracted to. We never had a relationship, he just didn't want me.

These men are so kind and caring to the people they want to see them that way. As soon as you become inconvenient, they show themselves up as the cold, selfish tossers that they are. And stupid me, still can't stop wanting him. But it's better for me not to see him. Because if I can't have love, I'm sure as hell keeping my dignity.

I think you should reevaluate what YOU want. It's all seeming to be about him right now but what do you want to happen? Do you want a man who has so little empathy for you? Whose opinion of you has changed, not because of something you've done, but something that was done to you?

Believe me I know how much it fucking hurts to have someone you love say that they don't want you because you're too damaged but do you really want to waste any more time on a person like that?

Are you OK for money at the moment? If you are, then I would start looking into some private therapy rather than waiting on the NHS to admit you. Mental health care is dire at the best of times and honestly I've benefited so much from therapy.

I picked my own therapist and he has really helped me and been so supportive. I wouldn't still be here if I hadn't struck gold when I found him. I had no idea what I was looking for in a therapist, he just looked kind and was the only one who returned my call. Worth looking into