If I was told right now, that I could flick a switch and just stop existing, I think I would. I’m just so sick of life. I wish I could be content, but I never seem able to, I have always felt so alone, so empty.
I was abused as a kid by my dad, my mum hated me so I had no one looking out for me, no one who I felt loved me, I was on my own. I struggled at school with friendships and dyslexia, went off the rails a little when I was about 14, drinking and sneaking out at night. I moved out at 16 and in with an abusive pig of a man. I don’t really even regret that, it taught me some life lessons.
I slept around a little to be honest, had a bit of a party lifestyle, had my self worth tied up in if men were attracted to me or not. Weirdly though, I was pretty happy back then, I welcomed the chaos, it was a distraction maybe.
I met a good man in my early 20s, got married, divorced a couple of years later, because even though he was a good person, he had no passion for me at all and left me feeling rejected.
I moved away to a big city, started working on trying to build a career, which I have. I’ve done well considering I left school at 15 with no qualifications. But so what? I don’t care, it brings me no pleasure, no satisfaction.
I met someone 10 years ago, he truly loves me, is my best friend, is kind, supportive, everything anyone could ask for. But it’s not enough. Why can’t I be content? I’ve lost any passion I had for him, I can only really see him as a friend now.
I’ve realised recently that I’ve never had the type of sex I had fantasies about, I always catered to others. I’m so lacking in any passion or excitement in my life. It feels so shallow to say, but leaves me feeling dead inside. I’m 40 now, my youth is pretty much spent, opportunities gone and I’m left feeling like a husk, a broken person incapable of being satisfied with normal things.
I know I’m depressed, I’m not sleeping, not eating much. Something needs to change, but I genuinely don’t know what or how to do it. I keep trying to picture other lives, changes I could make to be happy, but none of them fit.
I don’t know what I’m asking, nothing really, just needed to write this out.