So sick of life

[Naunet]

If I was told right now, that I could flick a switch and just stop existing, I think I would. I’m just so sick of life. I wish I could be content, but I never seem able to, I have always felt so alone, so empty.

I was abused as a kid by my dad, my mum hated me so I had no one looking out for me, no one who I felt loved me, I was on my own. I struggled at school with friendships and dyslexia, went off the rails a little when I was about 14, drinking and sneaking out at night. I moved out at 16 and in with an abusive pig of a man. I don’t really even regret that, it taught me some life lessons.

I slept around a little to be honest, had a bit of a party lifestyle, had my self worth tied up in if men were attracted to me or not. Weirdly though, I was pretty happy back then, I welcomed the chaos, it was a distraction maybe.

I met a good man in my early 20s, got married, divorced a couple of years later, because even though he was a good person, he had no passion for me at all and left me feeling rejected.

I moved away to a big city, started working on trying to build a career, which I have. I’ve done well considering I left school at 15 with no qualifications. But so what? I don’t care, it brings me no pleasure, no satisfaction.

I met someone 10 years ago, he truly loves me, is my best friend, is kind, supportive, everything anyone could ask for. But it’s not enough. Why can’t I be content? I’ve lost any passion I had for him, I can only really see him as a friend now.

I’ve realised recently that I’ve never had the type of sex I had fantasies about, I always catered to others. I’m so lacking in any passion or excitement in my life. It feels so shallow to say, but leaves me feeling dead inside. I’m 40 now, my youth is pretty much spent, opportunities gone and I’m left feeling like a husk, a broken person incapable of being satisfied with normal things.

I know I’m depressed, I’m not sleeping, not eating much. Something needs to change, but I genuinely don’t know what or how to do it. I keep trying to picture other lives, changes I could make to be happy, but none of them fit.

I don’t know what I’m asking, nothing really, just needed to write this out.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Are you on anti depressants? If not, would you consider trying them? You sound very, very severely depressed. Sorry, I don’t have much else to offer , this is really just a bump so someone who is better at giving help will see this thread.

@SoniaFouler

Are you on anti depressants? If not, would you consider trying them? You sound very, very severely depressed. Sorry, I don’t have much else to offer , this is really just a bump so someone who is better at giving help will see this thread.

I’m not, no. I was put on Prozac once when I had a bout of depression, I’d started seeing things, which I am again now, although not as bad. The Prozac made me feel like I was dying, I know that sounds dramatic, but I literally couldn’t get out of bed to go to the loo without my heart pounding and feeling like I was going to collapse. I went to get a second opinion and the other doctor took me off the Prozac and put me on beta blockers for the panic attacks I was having. It’s put me off, but I think I might be at a point now where I have to try.

I’m wondering if any type of therapy might help? I don’t know what would be best for this kind of thing.

I’m personally not a fan of therapy, but that is 100% down to me, because I’m not honest with them - or myself - when it comes to talking things out, but I know it is very helpful for others.

I’ve never taken Prozac but I’ve heard that’s quite strong so I’m not surprised to hear it gave you some side effects you didn’t like. Maybe sertraline? From what I gather, you start off with a lower strength and if needs be, (advised by GP, I think), you go up in increments until you get to a point that’s right for you. There is information on the NHS and if you go on Google and copy and paste exactly the following (including quote marks): site:Mumsnet.com “sertraline” you will find loads of threads from this site about it and you can read up on others experiences on it and if/how it helped them. Here’s one thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3683861-Sertraline-stories

A common recurring theme is that it takes two or three weeks to stabilise, so if you don’t feel any immediate effect, it’s not you, it’s that.

Poor mental health often has unresolved trauma at it’s heart OP, and yours is there loud and clear. Sounds to me like this terrible childhood / young adult trauma has just never been tackled or dealt with in any form of therapeutical way. That’s got to be something that you would benefit from doing? Have no shame. From the opening of your post you sound actually suicidal. Suicide is a root out but it’s a permanent one and if you did go down the therapy route and find relief, understanding and rewiring of your mind then you could move on and have a brilliant and happy future albeit with scars. It’s just not too late! If you end it all, then you’ll never know how things could’ve been. You sound like a fighter, someone who overcomes obstacles. Personally, given the urgency of the situation I would make a private psychiatrist appointment book yourself in for a psychiatric assessment.

You only need to get your GP to make a private psychiatric referral for you it will cost you a few hundred pounds. Go online, look up psychiatrist that deal with PTSD/trauma in your area. Ask your GP to make that referral.

If you start with a psychiatrist, they will first of all consider medication which will help you to stabilise and engage with taking therapy. This can take a few weeks to take affect. Please have faith that even in the bleakest of times millions of people have sought help in the way I’m describing and pulled back from a situation where they felt there was just no hope… To a bright and happy future.

@Lotusmonster

Poor mental health often has unresolved trauma at it’s heart OP, and yours is there loud and clear. Sounds to me like this terrible childhood / young adult trauma has just never been tackled or dealt with in any form of therapeutical way. That’s got to be something that you would benefit from doing? Have no shame. From the opening of your post you sound actually suicidal. Suicide is a root out but it’s a permanent one and if you did go down the therapy route and find relief, understanding and rewiring of your mind then you could move on and have a brilliant and happy future albeit with scars. It’s just not too late! If you end it all, then you’ll never know how things could’ve been. You sound like a fighter, someone who overcomes obstacles. Personally, given the urgency of the situation I would make a private psychiatrist appointment book yourself in for a psychiatric assessment.

You only need to get your GP to make a private psychiatric referral for you it will cost you a few hundred pounds. Go online, look up psychiatrist that deal with PTSD/trauma in your area. Ask your GP to make that referral.

If you start with a psychiatrist, they will first of all consider medication which will help you to stabilise and engage with taking therapy. This can take a few weeks to take affect. Please have faith that even in the bleakest of times millions of people have sought help in the way I’m describing and pulled back from a situation where they felt there was just no hope… To a bright and happy future.

Thank you for your kindness. It’s so crazy, I felt like I was ok with my childhood, like I’d accepted it and had dealt with it, but recently it’s hit me like a brick. I feel like I’ve spent my life living in chaos, or with distractions (not always bad or harmful things, sometimes wonderful things), but now due to the pandemic in part, other factors too, life has becomes so mundane, I can’t hide from it anymore and I don’t know how to deal with that.

I’ve felt like I would be happy to stop existing for a while, but today is the first time I’ve really thought about actively ending things. I’m not sure I have anything to live for, but I also know I should try to get help, that it’s The Right Thing to do. I’m going to have a look for a psychologist now, and @SoniaFouler, thank you for your suggestion too, I will Google that.

I just feel like such a failure as a person, a fake that’s learnt how to pretend, and I pretend a lot, that everything is ok, I can paint on a smile and fake enthusiasm but I don’t see the point anymore.

@Naunet
I just feel like such a failure as a person, a fake that’s learnt how to pretend, and I pretend a lot, that everything is ok, I can paint on a smile and fake enthusiasm but I don’t see the point anymore.

OP, you are not a failure as a person. And tbh, although hardly anybody talks about it, absolutely loads of people fake it and pretend and put on a facade for the general public. Even reading through threads on here, and reading what people have gone through, and deal with, and yet I bet 99 times out of 100 if you knew them in real life as an acquaintance, you’d have absolutely no idea and would think everything is okay with them which I guess, in turn, might make you feel worse because it seems like everybody else is coping - believe me, they’re not. Everybody does this. You’re not alone.

Btw did you start this thread on AIBU or Chat? Although this board is useful, it’s hardly ever seen, and I would request MNHQ to move it back to where originally posted (if that’s what you want) as you’ll get more responses (I was wondering why people weren’t responding to help you until I noticed it had been moved).

Hello OP I'm sorry you feel this way, have you considered you may be suffering ptsd?

Hi OP, I really didn’t want to read and run. You say,

“I just feel like such a failure as a person, a fake that’s learnt how to pretend, and I pretend a lot, that everything is ok, I can paint on a smile and fake enthusiasm but I don’t see the point anymore.”

That’s wrong, it’s not something negative that you’ve somehow been pretending. You’ve been doing what you have to in order to survive. You’ve had a terrible time at a very young age, you can outrun that kind of stuff for a while but eventually it’ll still be there and need dealing with. It’s worth dealing with though, ending things might seem like an answer now but it’s really not. You’re still young, there are many things you could do or people you could help. Your life does have value. Please seek out some mental health support, see your GP or think about joining some abuse survivor groups. Keep in touch with us on here if you need to chat and don’t know what else to do, there is someone usually around most of the time.

Trauma is a funny one OP. We think we’ve dealt with it, maybe for years before it rears it’s ugly head in the guise of a mental illness. I know this first hand. Someone close to us was murdered five years ago. We all thought we had kind of dealt with it. But then later on it surfaced in the form of BPD…a very tough diagnosis with suicidal thought and self harm. But I’m here to try and give you a little bit of hope and to tell you that even for disorder as tough as what I’ve just described, healing can prove hugely effective. Happiness and life fulfilment and laughter and joking and love can be found again - please do believe that.
I’m absolutely delighted that you have taken the brave step of looking up some psychologists. Well done! 💪Maybe start with that route and ask your psychologist to also recommend a good psychiatrist really just to review whether or not you might benefit from some form of medication as well as the talking therapy. The two professionals working hand-in-hand can be very powerful force in recovery. People do survive what you’re going through OP and there’s quite a lot of them that really do and they have better, stronger and even richer lives for doing so. Peer-to-peer support can also be immensely valuable in these situations.

I would suggest you might want To contact a charity called the Black dog mental health. They specialise in providing peer-to-peer support for people who are struggling with mental illness. Thinking of you moving forward.

Just a final thought around suicide.

I don’t venture into this topic with the intention of causing guilt but really just to make you think a little I guess.

I read last year that when one person commits suicide the serious mental impact on people around them who knew them such as partners, work colleagues, neighbours, old school friends, family amounts to about 120 people…on average.
Suicide doesn’t really fix a problem, all it does is pass it on to others. I realise the way I’ve kind of said this probably does come across as trying to guilt trip. But I’m not trying to do that I’m really just trying to make you say that what you’ve told me you are a really strong person inside, a survivor and I think you can pull through this and galvanise yourself to get help and support.

Op I can relate to much of what you said, I’m so sorry you are going through all of this,I understand it mirrors a lot of my life experience too and could probably have largely written you post a few years ago.I can remember that feeling that actually I just needed to rest and suicide seemed like the only option, I really thought it would be the best for everyone- looking back now o realise how devastating it would have been. I can tell you what worked for me, I was very opposed to anti depressants but that is a personal choice.

I did CBT it made me stop and think, it was just a check to my spiralling suicidal thoughts, it just showed me a chink of light

I had several therapists-don’t be afraid of changing you need to find one you click with. I’m not really sure what we did but o off loaded a lot of things

Realising it’s not all in the mind and your body holds the effects of the trauma, it can manifest in lots of ways, dissociation is the main one,pain, immunity problems, over and undereating. There’s also evidence that early trauma can affect the development of the vagus nerve which helps regulate emotions esp the fight or flight mechanism and also lead to disruption to normal eating snd regulating interacting with people. I would recommend Bessel van der kolks “the body keeps the score” he was key in identifying PTSD and Deb’s Dana (a leading psychologist in the field) for polyvagal stuff -there’s plenty of stuff on you tube and the net more generally

Having some kind of philosophy or spirituality helps, as does having daily rituals -there’s lots of things you can do, yoga, a course, cold showers, magick, even a certain drink or food that you take every day, meditation -this can either be emptying your mind or focusing and exploring certain concepts

Finally I do lots and lots of breathing exercises (I sought the help of a breathing coach -for me this unlocked and healed the most trauma).

Please believe it’s possible to get over this.

Thank to everyone who replied, it means a lot to me.

I had a call with a therapist today and she’s managed to book me in for tomorrow so that’s positive, I’m going to try to be as open as possible and not fear judgement.

I also opened up to an old friend. We’ve not seen each other in years, but it’s one friendship I’ve managed to maintain, and it turns out she feels very similar right now. She thinks hers might be related to peri menopause, so I’ve been looking into that too. It’s appealing in a way because it means there’s nothing “wrong” with me, and explains why I can’t cope when I could before, so I’m going to look into that as well, just in case. I know I can’t put all my eggs in that basket though!

My mum has always been a very none emotional person and thinks depression is self indulgent and people need to pulls themselves together, and in a way she’s installed that in me and I’ve used it to my advantage, in that I’ve always been able to give myself a kick up the arse and tackle anything head on. It’s not working anymore though and it’s hard to accept that I need help, I’m so used to being self reliant, it feels like a weakness, which is odd in a way because I would never, ever think that about anyone else getting help. I think that’s a big part of what’s making me feel like a failure though. I’ve let myself down.