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Mental health

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Original poster

I wish I hadn’t had children - they’ve ruined my mental health

34 replies

Orangepeanutblossom · 10/10/2021 19:03

I know it’s horribly selfish, they didn’t ask to be here, but they’ve ruined my life. Not them specifically I guess, just generally having children.
They have taken everything from me, they take and take and take and are rude and unpleasant a lot of the time.
I have no time, no money, no energy. All I have is anxiety and the responsibility and burden of looking after two other people who make very little effort to do anything much for themselves.
I just want to go on holiday for a week on my own. No one asking me for something, no fighting, no moaning, no demanding, no expecting me to fix tiny issues.
I hate being a parent, I absolutely hate it.

OP posts:

QuestionNumberOne · 10/10/2021 19:05

How old are they? Do they have another parent to share the load with?

It sounds like you really, really deserve a proper break

Orangejuicemarathoner · 10/10/2021 19:07

you are the parent, don't let them

don't allow them to behave badly and then blame them for it

sorry if that sounds harsh

Original poster

Orangepeanutblossom · 10/10/2021 19:10

My husband hasn’t been much of a father really. He’s just stepped up but we are 13 years in to parenting and that’s only because I threatened to leave him. He said straight away that I’d been doing 99% of it and I’d been on my own. He keeps saying do I feel better now he’s helping but I don’t if I’m honest. I feel disconnected and tired and weary. I can’t enjoy anything, it’s like it’s always out of reach. I know I used to enjoy it but now I don’t, it’s like the feeling is almost there but I can’t quite get to it.
I’m shattered.

OP posts:

coldwarenigma · 10/10/2021 19:14

OP, it is a taboo subject but it is far more common than most will admit to. I have never enjoyed it either and if they hadn't been close in age I wouldn't have had more. I was young and stupid. I had no knowledge of children and the first baby I held was my own.

coldwarenigma · 10/10/2021 19:15

And to add to that there are in their 30s now..

wowbutter · 10/10/2021 19:23

Why can't you go on holiday on your own?
I'm similar, only eight years in here though.
But it's take take take, and I can give give but ... I need a break.
So instead of ruining my head, my marriage and my life I am taking it!

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 10/10/2021 19:25

Take a week away. Honestly just do it.

You’ve earnt it. You’re on your knees now everything you’ve poured out over the years and you must now prioritise yourself for a while.

Areyouhappy · 10/10/2021 19:39

Silly question but can you take a break from them op? It sounds as though you need to do so urgently. Tell your DH you are going away for a holiday. Don't ask permission and don't make any childcare arrangements. Leave him to sort it out. It's his turn.

I get it. I really do. I nearly had to go on ADs when mine were teens but four years went by and the worst of the adolescent angst seems to have passed thank heavens! But they wore me down at the time.

Also, don't give yourself a hard time for feeling this way op. You have parented (mostly alone by the sound of it) through a pandemic with all of the associated anxiety and restrictions and difficulties.

Also I think that, for many people, the amount of pleasure and fulfilment you get from parenting is directly associated with the amount of support you get from your co-parent. There are too many parents (usually fathers) who use any excuse they can to leave the heavy lifting to their other halves.

The thing to do now is to go on holiday and have some time for yourself. Acknowledge how you feel, don't push it away. And give yourself some credit that you have done really, really well in very difficult circumstances and consider how you want family life to look when you return. Hopefully with time for yourself built-in as a priority. You more than deserve it.

SarahBellam · 10/10/2021 20:08

OP, you are describing the symptoms of burn out to a T. And it's hardly surprising- you've been carrying the workload of having children almost alone for 13 years. You also describe a number of the symptoms of depression. I'm not a doctor and I've never met you, so I can't diagnose you with either. However, I'd recommend going to see one, and I'd also recommend doing what you want to do. Go and hire a room or a cottage at the beach or in the country for a week. Go alone. Tell your husband you are going but don't, and I repeat DON'T do a shop, or make frozen dinners, or anything to make their lives easier - bring it right home to your husband exactly how much you do.

HumunaHey · 10/10/2021 20:16

So one of your DC is 13? How old is the youngest?

I honestly thought when clicking on this you would have had young children and be in the thick of it. At 13, you absolcan take a break. It doesn't have to be take take take. A 13 yo without disabilities can be pretty self sufficient. Are either of your DC disabled? If not, don't be a martyr and put your foot down. I say this with kindness. I know teen years can bring other challenges, but you are at the stage now where you can expect to be a bit more self indulgent- a nice hot bath and quiet time in your room, a night/meal out, watch a good film with a glass of wine while they are upstairs/in bed. What's stopping you doing these things?

Areyouhappy · 10/10/2021 20:19

Also, there is so much pressure on women nowadays to be perfect and all things to all people: the perfect mother, great at their career, a domestic goddess, the supportive wife, fit and stylish. Stuff that frankly! Men do not have to live up to half that level of pressure - maybe being a "good provider" - but that's about it.

Original poster

Orangepeanutblossom · 10/10/2021 21:20

The oldest has some SEND which makes them more dependent than most their age and really hard bloody work.
The dc would hate it if I left them for a week and DH wouldn’t ever ok it. Part of the issue of DH’s lack of involvement is that the dc are so reliant on me and moan and guilt trip me if I do anything without them.
Part of my burn out is resentment and feeling trapped.

OP posts:

Hamtonn · 10/10/2021 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 10/10/2021 21:32

You can still do it, and you should. Your children do need to learn to be able to cope without you for a while, and your husband is not your boss. He doesn’t get to ‘ok’ or ‘not ok’ things for you.

If you can’t get away for a whole week, make a promise to yourself to get away for a weekend once a month for the next 6 months. Two nights in a hotel, even if it’s just down the road.

Whybirdwhy · 10/10/2021 21:33

This reply has been deleted

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Kindleandacuppa · 10/10/2021 21:34

@Hamtonn yeah that's helpful

OP you need to start making time for yourself, even just small things. Go for a walk alone every evening, take a class, meet a friend - whatever you enjoy and force yourself to make time for yourself. My mum always says "The more you do the less you're thought off" and I find it to be true. No one is going to help you but yourself, you deserve a break but YOU need to be firm and make time for yourself. What you are doing now isn't working and your kids need a happy mother, its not selfish to make sure you are also happy

Whybirdwhy · 10/10/2021 21:34

OP take the break. The oxygen mask analogy and all that.

Skyla2005 · 10/10/2021 21:34

@Orangepeanutblossom

The oldest has some SEND which makes them more dependent than most their age and really hard bloody work. The dc would hate it if I left them for a week and DH wouldn’t ever ok it. Part of the issue of DH’s lack of involvement is that the dc are so reliant on me and moan and guilt trip me if I do anything without them. Part of my burn out is resentment and feeling trapped.

It's one week out of their life. Let their father step up now you need a well earned break book and go life is short and when you get home you will all be better for it. Courage

sjxoxo · 10/10/2021 21:36

@Orangepeanutblossom definitely take that break! This is exactly why you need it- because they are all reliant on you and frankly your DH can definitely manage them for a week & they also could learn you have needs and are human. Honestly I know it’s hard but I think you should book a nice spa or hotel or apartment or whatever your heart desires; and tell them you are treating yourself to a weeks holiday. Pick a week where your DH can either take time off/be available as needed for the kids and just do it. You absolutely deserve it and also you will feel so refreshed- your whole family will benefit from you being your happiest most relaxed self. The world won’t end- to the contrary I think
everyone will benefit…especially you! 💖 xo

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 10/10/2021 21:40

I have three DC. The youngest is 14 and apart from long hospital stays most years I’ve never left them in over twenty six years.
I’ve just returned from a week away with a close friend, nowhere exotic but I needed a break. I did not and would never ask DH’s permission to take what I viewed as respite. He copes when I’m in hospital and I saw this as no different. I also didn’t do it at the expense of our family holiday, that we had last month. Take the break.

Areyouhappy · 10/10/2021 21:41

Yes your DH doesn't need to "ok" it. You are an independent adult. And your DC are old enough to put up with some discomfort. Too bad if they hate it. I doubt they will be permanently harmed by the experience. Time for your eldest to rely on their dad a but more! How else will the dynamic change? And you need to do it for your DC as much as yourself op. Bluntly, no child wants a mother resenting them as they grow up. Just pack a bag and go away. They will cope!

CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther · 10/10/2021 21:43

If you can financially afford it then you don’t need your husband to “ok it.”
Take a holiday by yourself, you need it.

NewtoHolland · 10/10/2021 21:49

A week away sounds like it might not be possible but would a night away be an option? Or a weekend. You need to be able to rest and recover and have some time for you. When they are adults you will want them to be able to have that for themselves too, and so it is important that you model it now. Have you been able to explore any of this in any therapy or similar? Xx

coffeeisthebest · 11/10/2021 10:38

Take some time for yourself in therapy. Motherhood is a relentless slog and it is a ridiculous myth that our childhood are here to delight our lives and make us feel like we are their hero's. That is bollocks and the sooner we all stop telling ourselves that the better. You have been super Mum and something within you doesn't want that anymore..so listen to that part of you. Please find space for yourself in therapy. It will help you all.

malificent7 · 11/10/2021 15:43

The dad sounds like a prick...can you take a break from him?

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