I (24F) can’t seem to live with the decisions I’ve made in the past 2 years. If I had made different choices, my life would be very different right now.
I went through a break up two months ago and it has really put everything into perspective for me. I had acne as a teenager which really impacted my self confidence, so when I went to uni I think I tried to reinvent myself a bit. I ended up getting with my boyfriend after a few months of being there. Looking back I don’t think I had the chance to find my true identity, as I already had wrapped my self identity into him.
My background is working class although my parents worked hard and we live in a nice area in a nice house. My boyfriends family were middle class and I think I put my identity into his as I felt like I was experiencing all of the things that I had maybe missed out on when I was younger.
I still managed to get into a good uni but always felt like the odd one out as everyone was posh and rich. I am from the Midlands and I really think I experienced prejudice over my accent.
After I graduated I decided I wanted to take a year out to go travelling, and spend time with my Nan who was ill at the time. She passed away in the September after uni finished.. right when I should have been applying for grad schemes to start the next year. I did apply for some, but just didn’t go to the assessment centre due to lack of confidence/ didn’t know if it was actually what I wanted to do. Of course I couldn’t go travelling either.
Then covid happened and I think I got comfortable / the uncertainty scared me. I again applied for grad schemes to start this year, got through to my dream job assessment centre and bottled it again due to self confidence. I think my boyfriend telling me we would be together anyway and it didn’t matter where I was in the country put my mind at ease. He told me we would get a house where he lived by London. I ended up getting a job an hour and a half commute from my hometown, not exactly what I wanted to do but a good company. Working from home but now they say we have to go in 3 times a week. I thought I’d go to London in 2022.
That brings me to now - I have had to go on anti depressants which don’t seem to be doing anything. I am working from home for this company but can barely do my work at the moment. I hate driving but will have to drive all these miles for work. I feel like my intelligence and personality have gone due to this brain fog I’m getting. I hardly have any friends as I didn’t put as much effort as I should have into them due to being with my ex. The friends I have seen have been distant since I’ve got depression. I am getting acne again and have really low self esteem over my face / how I dress. My ex is living a great life without me and I can’t get over taking the rejection personally.
I don’t feel like I can come back from this.
Sorry for the long post - I just needed to get it all out.