I don’t want to be here anymore

[ston]

I (24F) can’t seem to live with the decisions I’ve made in the past 2 years. If I had made different choices, my life would be very different right now.

I went through a break up two months ago and it has really put everything into perspective for me. I had acne as a teenager which really impacted my self confidence, so when I went to uni I think I tried to reinvent myself a bit. I ended up getting with my boyfriend after a few months of being there. Looking back I don’t think I had the chance to find my true identity, as I already had wrapped my self identity into him.

My background is working class although my parents worked hard and we live in a nice area in a nice house. My boyfriends family were middle class and I think I put my identity into his as I felt like I was experiencing all of the things that I had maybe missed out on when I was younger.

I still managed to get into a good uni but always felt like the odd one out as everyone was posh and rich. I am from the Midlands and I really think I experienced prejudice over my accent.

After I graduated I decided I wanted to take a year out to go travelling, and spend time with my Nan who was ill at the time. She passed away in the September after uni finished.. right when I should have been applying for grad schemes to start the next year. I did apply for some, but just didn’t go to the assessment centre due to lack of confidence/ didn’t know if it was actually what I wanted to do. Of course I couldn’t go travelling either.

Then covid happened and I think I got comfortable / the uncertainty scared me. I again applied for grad schemes to start this year, got through to my dream job assessment centre and bottled it again due to self confidence. I think my boyfriend telling me we would be together anyway and it didn’t matter where I was in the country put my mind at ease. He told me we would get a house where he lived by London. I ended up getting a job an hour and a half commute from my hometown, not exactly what I wanted to do but a good company. Working from home but now they say we have to go in 3 times a week. I thought I’d go to London in 2022.

That brings me to now - I have had to go on anti depressants which don’t seem to be doing anything. I am working from home for this company but can barely do my work at the moment. I hate driving but will have to drive all these miles for work. I feel like my intelligence and personality have gone due to this brain fog I’m getting. I hardly have any friends as I didn’t put as much effort as I should have into them due to being with my ex. The friends I have seen have been distant since I’ve got depression. I am getting acne again and have really low self esteem over my face / how I dress. My ex is living a great life without me and I can’t get over taking the rejection personally.

I don’t feel like I can come back from this.

Sorry for the long post - I just needed to get it all out.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low .

It can take a while for ADs to work and it can also take a while to find the correct dose and/or type .If you've been on them for a couple of months with no discernible effect please go back to the GP .

Is your boyfriend aware of how you feel ? Especially concerning your lack of self identity ?

What’s triggered the break up with exb?

The brain fog is almost certainly a symptom of your depression. You’ve said you are on antidepressants but are you having any kind of talking therapy? Doctors are quick to medicate but it doesn’t really get to the nub of the problem. From everything you’ve said, I think you’ve had low self esteem for a very long time and coping with that is what is fuelling your depression. You can’t medicate that away. You need proper, decent therapy.

You’re very young and have every chance to make a happy life ahead of you.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

I know it feels impossible right now but you can come back from this. Absolutely. There's a reason you're in the pit right now and there will be a way out. It's the same for us all. I understand the appeal of suicide but your mind is currently in a kind of tunnel vision where there is no way out. But there is. We are human and we all make mistakes. We are all conditioned beings and we all have to come to a kind of reconciliation of who we have grown up to be and how we want to live our lives. And it's an ongoing process. It's tough being an adult and shouldering the outcome of your choices but you can and will do this. In the short term please reach out for help. There are so many people who will support you without judgement. Good luck.

@peridito

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low .

It can take a while for ADs to work and it can also take a while to find the correct dose and/or type .If you've been on them for a couple of months with no discernible effect please go back to the GP .

Is your boyfriend aware of how you feel ? Especially concerning your lack of self identity ?

I would second this post.

I had ADs for 3 months many years ago. The first lot didnt work at all. The 2nd lot, I felt like I was looking at life through a glass window.
The 3rd lot either worked, or I thought they did, which rather amounted to the same thing in my case.

You have had a rough couple of years.
Being a bit longer in the tooth shall we say, than you, I know that life has a habit of not staying the same.

Oh OP, please know that it is ok not to feel ok.

Setbacks happen to everyone. You are not a failure or a loser for being thrown off your course.

It's natural to feel sad and depressed after a setback.

Right now, try to regroup and know tomorrow will be better, and the day after that will be better again. Try to do one thing for yourself every day...something that makes you happy. It could be a walk, watching a comedy, making your favourite sandwich...anything. Don't wallow in what you did 'wrong' just put your energy into finding a path forward.

But above all, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in your position.

@biggirlknickers he wants to go abroad with his job. That sort of makes it worse for me as I won’t get to do that sort of thing either. I am on the waiting list for therapy but it’s not for another 2 months. I think I may have to pay for therapy, but it’s very expensive.

@coffeeisthebest thank you but how can I get out of this? I am so stuck in this mentality at the moment.

@lightand thank you. I hope the ADs work but I’m a bit apprehensive as my depression is more situational.

@DeliaOwens I have felt this way for 2 months, it’s exhausting and I can’t see the light at the moment. I hope I can soon.

I am not medical. But if a doctor has prescribed you ADs, I am not sure it matters why, purely looking at it from a chemical point of view?

@lightand yes I’m sure that’s why, hopefully they work soon

@ston, I guess that fighting it and waiting for the moment that you won't feel like this anymore is actually going to increase the pain. Or that has been my experience anyway. However you are feeling right now is ok and is valid. Your suicidal thoughts are currently here as you are stuck in a dead end in your mind and so you are essentially blocking your own way out. But there always is one. Finding a therapist and trying to expand your view could genuinely help you, not just now but also as you carry on through life. And also just being as honest with yourself as you can about how you feel. There are no firm answers I can give you, for me it has been about time and learning to be far gentler to myself than I have ever been before. We live in a strange world where we are taught so much about how things should be that we forget to just learn to live with how they are. I hope you find a way through. If you are actively suicidal please seek immediate medical help or reach out in some way.

@coffeeisthebest that is true.. I am waiting to feel happy or to have some motivation to do anything. But it isn’t coming and I feel truly paralysed today. Just sitting around doing nothing. I don’t know how I will ever get out of this situation. I’m scared of the future and the days are passing me by.

You're still so young, much too young to be feeling like this. You've got your whole life ahead of you to enjoy. When I was your age life was a treasure chest to look forward to and we couldn't wait to get out there and have some fun. Take it slowly, don't panic, do as the GP tells you to, and be kind to yourself.