Like @BippityBoppity87 I did something similar in my first major manic ep about 10 months ago. I became hyper-sexual, signed up to a porn site (I’d previously never in my life viewed porn), got very into S&M porn, posted explicit photos of myself & ended up engaging online 1:1 with many, many sadists who I then started talking to off the site, arranging very dangerous meet-ups where I was going to allow myself to be willingly subjected to all manner of destructive, dangerous acts.
I had zero guilt about this (couldn’t see why on earth my partner should have a problem with it). This again is at TOTAL odds with my usual personality (I feel guilty at the drop of a hat, for everything). I eventually texted my partner with a breezy message notifying him I wouldn’t be around at the weekend as was planning on having a lot of very extreme S&M sex with some strangers. His response was horrified, but I fired back that he was a square party-pooper, and got very cross with him that he was raining on my parade & being “possessive”. This all played out in a branch of Boots, where I was firing off texts, laughing and crying, and trying to seduce all the random blokes buying Meal Deals.
I bounced home in a mixed dysphoric state, laid on my bed, laughed uncontrollably whilst crying and rambling on phone to all and sundry. I was sending nonsense texts to my friends (who didn’t know I’d started with a mood disorder), told my oldest friend her husbands cancer could be cured by listening to Elton John, and then descended into a black hole.
So. Yes. None of that was my finest hour. And was so recent and so totally out of the blue.
Since then, I’ve had bursts of milder stuff (hypomania) which is either euphoria, or mixed dysphoric. Usually starts with a slow build of confidence/well-being, or over activity, then a laser sharp brain, then pressured speech, flight of ideas, counterproductive simultaneous tasks, then descends into total confusion, laughing, crying, sobbing and then a crash.
Happening on an almost weekly basis now… it’s exhausting. Hence finally accepting I probably do have bipolar. My theory around a differential diagnosis is emotional disregulation due to several recent severe traumas. That’s why I was loathe to medicate longer-term with Lithium, as I was convinced I could “manage” with some lamotrigine for the lows (20yr Hx of recurrent major depression) and the odd bit of PRN diazepam for the highs. I thought it’d all settle down once the most recent traumas were more settled, but I’ve plugged away like that for almost a year & can’t go on anymore with the increasing ultra-rapid cycling (whatever the root cause is).
I just assumed I’d not benefit from Li if it was more of a reactive trauma response rather than ‘proper’ bipolar disorder.