Married to a depressed person

[Quadrilingual]

What are people's experiences being married to someone with long term depression? While I have been with my DH he has had severe depression on and off for most of the marriage. When he is like that he struggles to deal with the lows of life such as getting a parking ticket/house sale falling through etc. He tends to blame me for the reason of his unhappiness and he eats as his addiction/coping mechanism. He has never been violent or anything but it's just this horrible person he becomes: uncaring and selfish and will point blame. He will also say that he doesn't see the point of life and wishes he was dead regularly when in this start. The thing is he has tried anti depressants which didn't help too much and he has seen various counsellors which also hasn't seemed to change much. I believe that he isn't taking it seriously enough with doing the techniques and homework they set. I only see a life with him where he is depressed on and off forever. I am learning to cope with it better but it is still very upsetting when he is pushing me away with his words/ blaming me/ wishing he was dead. He fails to see how this can be hurtful to me and as I understand it, the depression makes him a different person completely. When he is exercising regularly and eating well he is fine for months on end but it is when he stops exercising that the depression starts up again. He is a lovely DH when not depressed and we are happily married but this is never the whole story. Although I want to have children with him I worry that bringing up children with a man who is on off depressed is not a good idea. Please share your stories and advice.

I’m sorry he’s like this. It’s not any way for you to live. DH has depression and anxiety and so we have highs and lows like any illness but my line in the sand is that he has to look after himself - so the CBT, the exercise, the medication. If he wasn’t doing his fullest to work on the things that help him then he knows we’d be having some very serious conversations.

I'm not sure I can share good advice. DP has suffered from depression/anxiety the whole time I've known him. Ironically it was the first lockdown which made him actually seek help for the very first time as he knew his usual coping mechanisms would be inaccessible to him. It has meant that for the first time ever we have had long, relative periods of calm but this past weekend he has gone through a very deep low, only this time it was witnessed by our DD. I'm not sure there is any way back for our relationship from this. I have always tried to support him but I'm just so. Fucking. Tired.

Very similar to you OP, but we have 3 DCs. I wouldn't choose this marriage again, if I had the chance...

It's very hard not to get dragged down by their depression or consumed with trying to fix them. But the flip side of that is I try to distance myself and end up taking it too far and we just feel like housemates who occasionally have sex but don't really talk to each other about anything other than how shit he's feeling.

I get no emotional support, affection or financial contribution from him at the moment (hasn't worked for months and self employed) and feel like I'm just carrying us along while being responsible for absolutely everything and can't moan about it because it makes him feel worse.

Like your DH, medication has made no obvious difference and neither has counselling. DH has bipolar type II so we get an occasional respite from the depression but it's never for more than a month and then crashes down again. DH is not great at self care, he can manage a routine for a little while but never long enough to make a difference (eg will do cold showers or walks for a week and then declare them useless) and it's so hard to watch because I can't fix him.

Currently wishing I could look forward to a future without him, when the DCs leave home and the guilt of that is horrible.

Sorry, no advice really, just know you're not alone. We need a support thread for people married to the black dog!

Ragz just a thought could he apply for PIP? Might help financially.

Please don't have kids with your husband. I wish I didn't. We are divorced now and he moved to another country.
My grown up kids have very lukewarm relationship with him.
I felt so lonely in our marriage for years. I am sorry if I offend anyone up I would never marry a man who is depressed, I knew he had depression before we got married but I assumed he would do anything to get better. He only occasionally took antidepressants. Was never interested in any counselling or therapies. It was very selfish of him to want to have kids. He was overwhelmed by being a parent, a husband and a ft job.

There's every likelihood that this will not get any better. You will never have your needs met or your feelings acknowledged. Who looks after and cares for you? Yes, depression is an illness and it's awful but you deserve to be happy too. Don't forget that.

I did it for 15 years. 90% of the time was walking on eggshells and sadly the same for my dd a lot of the time. It is a very selfish and cruel illness but but leaves the other person much of the time lonely and in my case starved of affection.I had to end it for my dd and my sake and tbh I'm glad I did. Life is much better,more stable and more enjoyable.

@Orangesandlemons77

Ragz just a thought could he apply for PIP? Might help financially.

He's just applied for ESA, then will try for PIP. Well, technically I applied for him. Because I do everything...

Good luck.

I had a child with an XH who has suffered from depression. We are now arguing over how to allow him to have contact with DS without his destructive behaviours adversely impacting DS.

@RagzReturnsRebooted Oh man, I hear that. I know I've turned into a bitch on wheels over the last few years but I am so fucking tired of doing everything on my own. Sending a never ending supply of gin/chocolate/whatever you need to get by.

[quote UnsolicitedDickPic]@RagzReturnsRebooted Oh man, I hear that. I know I've turned into a bitch on wheels over the last few years but I am so fucking tired of doing everything on my own. Sending a never ending supply of gin/chocolate/whatever you need to get by. [/quote]
Thank you. Same to you!

Mine isn't diagnosed with depression but think he might be (depressed) goes sullen and silent for days on end, mixed with 'up' days where he drinks too much. Not sure which is worse really. It's hard.

I do myself have a diagnosis of depression but try not to be unkind / silent / blaming and bring others down. I also take meds which do help. He thinks the issues are all with me though.

It's so hard.

What struck me from your post OP and other posters is that he's turning on you. Regardless of mental health THIS is not a way to live now or in the future and especially not with kids.

My DH is clinically depressed but tends to withdraw and sleep a lot when he's down. That's hard because as a PP says it's like being a housemate. But he's essentially managing himself (he takes meds etc. and does everything he can).

Not easy by any means but shouldn't be that hard. You need to look after yourself too.

Grrrrr 😩
Got home from work, DH is cooking and starts stopping that there's nothing for DS2 to eat (he doesn't eat this meal) so I have to make suggestions that apparently he is incapable of coming up with himself. Then sort it out. He's swearing and moaning that cooking is so stressful.
I told him I'd rather come home and cook myself (he cooks 3/4 times a week and washes up about as many, occasionally takes a bin out, that is absolutely all he does in the house) than come home to him stressing and swearing at me. He tells me not to take it so personally and that it's not all about me!
hahahaha, like it's ever about me any more! He has literally no idea how stressful it is being responsible for absolutely everything for the entire family and dealing with the financial pressure we are under and my job (I'm a nurse, so work can be stressful!). But I don't moan or have a go at him, because I don't want to add to his depression. There isn't room in our relationship for me to have feelings at the moment! It's literally NEVER about me. I nearly laughed or cried and had to leave the room...

Apologies for the use of 'literally' there, I'm cross! Just needed a rant.

@RagzReturnsRebooted

Your situation sounds like a carbon copy of mine. My DH has been suffering with depression for the last 10 years on and off. I am a very patient person but in the last 2-3 weeks I feel a switch has gone off and I’m finding it impossible to deal with him at the moment.

It’s fine for them to say don’t take it personally, and in the past I’ve felt confident that his issues are not about me or our relationship, but this time I just feel resentment radiating towards me. Maybe because I am also starting to feel that way myself towards him.

I think the other reason for me “reaching my limit” is because in the past I was able to shield my children from his moods, but they are now 12 and 14 and very much aware of the dark cloud that is looming over our home at the moment. When things are good we are such a happy, close little family and we’ve had amazing times together, but I feel like all of that will be forgotten and all they will remember is their dad being miserable and cutting himself off from the rest of us.

We could split, but then my children’s lives would be even more unsettled. We’d have to sell the house and would not be able to afford to live where we currently do. I would have to move my children away from their schools, friends and our extended families (my support system). I’d have to leave my very good, stable job.

Depression is such a cruel, awful thing. Not just for those suffering but for those living with them. I honestly do not know what the solution is, but the way I feel at the moment, I can’t do this for much longer. I am actually dreading this weekend, being in the house with him. I would take the kids out but then he will start moaning that I’ve spent too much money, as he has convinced himself we don’t have enough money (not true).

I wish I had some advice to share with you. It's just so exhausting.

I found this book helpful:

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0609804154?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Despite all the great advice in the book it took me years to courage up to leave.

If you decide to have children you have to seriously consider that they will be at high risk for developing depression too, both because of genetics and because of the atmosphere at home. That's another layer of difficulties on top of what you are already dealing with.

Thank you for the book recommendation @aLittleL1fe, I will download it.

No worries @ThinkImAboutDone and I hope it helps. My kids are 14 and 16, I divorced last year after 17 years together. I just couldn't do it any more. Separation and divorce is traumatic but for us it was ultimately worth it. We can't afford the same standard of living but life is much better for us now - calm, predictable, safe and fun.

It's very reassuring to hear that @aLittleL1fe - my children are both very calm, happy souls. I know we probably need to separate, but it's heartbreaking. He is a kind, caring, generous man but we can't keep going round in circles.

I’ve suffered depression all my life. Reading these posts is, well, depressing.

Depression is a treatable illness, not an excuse for mardy distant behaviour. If anti depressants and CBT don’t work, then Ketamine infusions are available in some places l understand. And then at a push ECT. There is also magnetic treatment but as yet this isn’t available on the NHS.

I’m never distant or sullen or bad tempered with my Dh. I may appear preoccupied but that’s when I’m battling my demons.

There is no bad or depressed atmosphere in our house as my illness is managed. I hate my medication with a vengeance but l have to take it.

I have 2 dc. Neither seem to have ‘inherited’ it. It’s more to do with adverse childhood experiences when the brain is still in its developing plastic state.

Adverse experiences in childhood have almost a 100% prediction of need anti depressants as an adult.

I didn’t choose this. I hate it too.

Would it be possible to send him out for some of the day if he's glooming around at home? I find going out for a walk can help, especially somewhere like a park. It's not fair on everyone else staying in all he time.

@aLittleL1fe

I found this book helpful:

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

]]

Opened the link thinking it sounded familiar. Amazon confirms I bought it 4 years ago! I'll have to dig it out again. Thing is, I know it isn't my fault, I know to be supportive without being dragged in, I know to self care. But I did all that and nothing bloody changes... Clearly!

Like @ThinkImAboutDone I feel really resentful at the moment and maybe DH can sense it, or at least has the emotional intelligence to know it's inevitable I would.
We have sex still and it's great as always, if fairly infrequent (seems to bring us a little closer for a few days but quickly wears off!). But we don't spend time together, we don't even share a bed (he sleeps on the sofa, has done for most of our marriage, it's his thing and he can't seem to break it - whole other thread there!) and most evenings he's playing xbox or watching space documentaries downstairs and I'm upstairs reading/watching netflix/on MN.

I often wish I lived alone, at least there'd be no one to resent...
The DCs still get more from him being around than not, though. Plus he can't financially support himself and I married him so he's my responsibility really - I would like to add that I married him after we had children (unplanned, when I was 20) and for practical reasons, but still.

@Orangesandlemons77

Would it be possible to send him out for some of the day if he's glooming around at home? I find going out for a walk can help, especially somewhere like a park. It's not fair on everyone else staying in all he time.

He tried taking daily walks, but it lasted a week then the depression got worse and he couldn't manage even that, saying clearly they don't work! With my DCs, yes I can 'send them out for a bit' but my DH is a grown man and as much as I tell him that it's a good idea and will help, doesn't mean I can actually make him do it. If I'm going he will sometimes come with me, but the other day he couldn't even face that.

He has barely left the house in over a month, apart from giving the DCs lifts and picking up Prescriptions. Makes me feel down and lethargic as well and so I feel less like doing stuff like housework around him or going and doing anything. I am not depressed but sometimes it does feel contagious!