What is acceptable with someone who has Bi Polar

[Redruby2020]

Hi all, as there is another thread on a condition and what is/isn't acceptable just because someone has a condition. It brought me to ask especially if there are those of you who are more aware of this mental health illness. How much of a person's behaviour and actions can be excused and accepted because of them being Bi Polar?!!
I ask this because I know someone whose partner has the illness, and any of their behaviour and things they have said and done, has been excused because of them being Bi Polar.
In my opinion a lot of it is excuses, and worsened by the fact this person also has substance issues, which although I have read that some are tempted by drugs because they can make them feel normal to an extent, because of the chemical change in the brain, of course the short to long term effects are not pretty, as I have been aware of, from this person.

Any knowledge of Bi polar and any info or opinions on what I have said, would be gladly accepted.

Bipolar can be a serious mental illness impacting behaviour,judgement,mood,energy leve,ldecision making

As an external observer you’re really not in a position to surmise that excuses are being made, it’s not an excuse to understand the depth and range of a bipolar.

To an external observer without understanding one may mistakenly dismiss behaviour as reckless or intentionally inappropriate

Some people with bipolar self regulate with drugs and/or alcohol to alleviate distress or regulate impact of symptoms

The impact of bipolar is also unique to the individual experience it

@EspressoDoubleShot

Bipolar can be a serious mental illness impacting behaviour,judgement,mood,energy leve,ldecision making

As an external observer you’re really not in a position to surmise that excuses are being made, it’s not an excuse to understand the depth and range of a bipolar.

To an external observer without understanding one may mistakenly dismiss behaviour as reckless or intentionally inappropriate

Some people with bipolar self regulate with drugs and/or alcohol to alleviate distress or regulate impact of symptoms

The impact of bipolar is also unique to the individual experience it

I was asking because I was directly affected by it. Also that I asked because in general there have been posts about all sorts of problems on here past and present, and plenty have said it doesn't excuse just any sort of behaviour!! What about those who are on the receiving end then? Also where it is used as an excuse for anything that the person says or does that's is bad?!!

I would of thought most who are usually on treatment would be told not to drink heavily or take drugs, as short to long term this would only make things worse. So now, taking away the Bi Polar, that means those who take drugs and act in such a way, do you also relieve them of any blame or responsibility?

Yes there’s an interaction between the medication & alcohol, they impair the uptake and effectiveness of the medication. However people do self medicate with alcohol & drugs

People externally looking In will not fully understand the turmoil or impact of bipolar. It’s not making excuses to add the backstory of illness. It adds a context

I think mental illness gets demonised and misrepresented.

My ex was bipolar. Started as a good guy. Gradually changed into a snappy, growly bastard.

He had stopped medication a few years prior so I told him we were through unless he went to the gp and got the help he needed.

He did eventually and within weeks was back to what he’d been like before.

So if you know someone used to be ok then if they aren’t now and refuse meds they need then you know they are being a selfish inconsiderate arse and can walk away from them with no regret. Their poor choice not to take their meds. I was practically suicidal because of him.

I would have had more respect if someone genuinely couldn’t help their behaviour and were taking meds and not self medicating etc and were trying hard to be nice and it just wasn’t happening. I’d suggest a medication review.

I wouldn’t stay with someone out of guilt or feeling sorry for them. You are entitled to your happiness too.

Absolutely agree @Elieza people need to take their meds to stay well, choosing not to be compliant impact upon partner, family & the individual. Often with big consequences. The individual with the illness is responsible for their own compliant being concordant with medication. Also for adapting & choosing a lifestyle and behaviour that minimise the impact of bipolar

Any mental health condition can be difficult for the friends and family. You can learn with them, and deal with things together, or you can admit you cant cope and walk away. Both options are fine.
When someone with Bipolar or any illness says they can't help their behaviour and you have to put up with it.. that would raise red flags with me. Everyone I know with MH illness are mortified when they act out as part of their illness.. none say the people around them have to put up with it.

I remember... mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

@XenoBitch

I remember... mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

That’s utterly nonsensical Your responsibility? What’s that actually mean beyond being a catch phrase No one has full responsibility for how they’re brain chemistry is wired or their conscious and unconscious responses to events. Sure we have responsibility to try moderate and adapt behaviour. Try being the operative word

@EspressoDoubleShot

Meaning you can act like an utter asshole due to mental health symptoms but that is down to you to sort out, and not just shrug and say you can't help it and expect other people to tolerate it.

Nice idea.Too reductionist too simplistic implies complete control over events
I’m not sure people just shrug about serious mental illness either
I do agree with personal responsibility it’s just it’s not attainable all the time and it fluctuates

Someone close to me is bi-polar. They have to take their medication and sleep is hugely important, so they make sure they get to bed at a decent time. They don’t drink or take recreational drugs - they know it would be catastrophic.

They aren’t a particularly nice person, so I keep them at arm’s length. It’s sad, because their personality has almost completely changed in the last decade. They are more selfish, judgemental and miserable. I always thought this was down to their personality rather than their BPD though.

Yes personality will of course determine kind of person you are irrespective of diagnosis

@EspressoDoubleShot

Absolutely agree *@Elieza* people need to take their meds to stay well, choosing not to be compliant impact upon partner, family & the individual. Often with big consequences. The individual with the illness is responsible for their own compliant being concordant with medication. Also for adapting & choosing a lifestyle and behaviour that minimise the impact of bipolar

This! Very familiar with bipolar as its in my family and agree that it's a tough illness on the person but they need to stick to medication or life will be very difficult for their family...and subsequently on them. However l might add that it takes a while to find the right combination of meds and the fall out from some of them is nearly impossible for the person to bear hence abandoning them. I have found that the more the person is held accountable for their behaviour the better life they have ..and their family. Expecting a level of responsibility from them helps them l have found. Mixed up in between the bipolar symptoms is also the person's own personality traits which can be an asset or a liability in how they take responsibility ..its not always bipolar at work!!

@EspressoDoubleShot

Nice idea.Too reductionist too simplistic implies complete control over events I’m not sure people just shrug about serious mental illness either I do agree with personal responsibility it’s just it’s not attainable all the time and it fluctuates

I am not implying there is complete control over events at all. I know all too well that things can escalate out of control. I have been there. But in the context of the the OP.... what is acceptable.... and some people do insist on shit behaviour that those close to them have to just accept. I have been there too. It is ok to walk away. I have walked away from people, and some have walked away from me.

Of course it’s ok to walk away no one is compelled to stay around for heartache & anguish

Thankyou for all of your responses so far! There is a good mix. I have never thought that especially with certain mental health problems, that one can just deal with it or choose how to behave exactly. But what I was saying is it can't get that person off the hook, for example there have been some terrible crimes committed by people with mental problems, we can not simply say oh never mind because they are ill.

In the case of drug/alcohol abuse, I am glad that someone said what I was thinking, that you don't do those things, as it would be/can be catastrophic!
I get why they might do it, but it certainly doesn't help the argument of whether excuses are okay to be made for that person.

I don't get how someone can be having a conversation with someone one minute, and the next go off and tell a completely different version to another person who is right in the depth of that situation?! And then their condition is being used as a reason for that.

But what I was saying is it can't get that person off the hook, for example there have been some terrible crimes committed by people with mental problems, we can not simply say oh never mind because they are ill

⬆️Ok.if an individual is found guilty of a crime and after psychiatric assessments deemed to be mentally unwell they are detained in psychiatric hospital for treatment. That’s a loss of liberty and restrictions on the individual

There are forensic units were clients detained on s37 of the mental health act will be treated in psychiatric hospital

There are a three high security hospitals in England.
Have you heard of Broadmoor,?Ashworth?Rampton? It’s a high security hospital were people who were mentally ill at the time they committed a crime and are found guilty are detained after a judge has sentenced them to be detained in hospital

Patients who are very unwell are detained in hospital diverted away from prison. In my opinion that is right

This is reading like it’s your partner.
Are they under the MH team? Are they doing everything they can to try and get and stay well?
It’s not up to people on MN to decide what’s acceptable. That’s up to people in the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the reason/excuse is. If one side of the partnership doesn’t find the behaviour acceptable then it’s time to end it.

Bipolar can be quite severe and can definitely lead people to do some pretty harmful things and drug usage is very common.

I don't think any mental illness excuses any negative behavior at all. Anyone who is harmed by anothers actions whether voluntary or involuntary is within their rights to be upset about it, to not want to interact with that person, to do what they need to do to minimize/prevent future harm, etc.

Now it doesn't excuse the behavior but it definitely explains it, but you don't have to accept it. I wouldn't accept it.

I have a bipolar sister so have some experience with it. Our relationship is somewhat superficial because I need to keep some distance as she can get quite destructive at times. I don't blame her but i wouldn't excuse away her behavior to someone else and I wouldn't minimize if she harmed them. My brother is NC with her due to my sister assaulting him several times during our childhood, he still hasn't moved beyond it 20 years later, but that's his right.

I am diagnosed with type one bipolar and have to take medication for it every day and would be very ill without taking it , however I’ve never had substance issues so I can’t comment the affect of having bipolar while also having substance issues but I do know speaking as someone with bipolar I wouldn’t think my behaviour or how I behave should be excused or treated any different because of having my condition , bipolar is a mental illness but it’s the person responsibility to manage their condition and ultimately how they behave and treat others whether they have a mental health condition or not

@Wolfiefan

This is reading like it’s your partner. Are they under the MH team? Are they doing everything they can to try and get and stay well? It’s not up to people on MN to decide what’s acceptable. That’s up to people in the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the reason/excuse is. If one side of the partnership doesn’t find the behaviour acceptable then it’s time to end it.

It's not my partner no, I don't say that for any other reason than because I am single. It's someone close though.

I've found this very interesting. My sister is bipolar and I find it hard to distinguish between what is bad behaviour and what is her illness. She is complicated with medication but it has taken a while to get her on the right one. She has always been difficult and that unfortunately gets exacerbated by the illness. It also means I really want to minimise contact.

...

D'oh just noticed typo.

My sister is compliant with medication, not complicated

I have never thought that especially with certain mental health problems, that one can just deal with it or choose how to behave exactly...

You absolutely choose how to behave, unless you are psychotic or experiencing mania or severe depression.

I don't get how someone can be having a conversation with someone one minute, and the next go off and tell a completely different version to another person who is right in the depth of that situation?! And then their condition is being used as a reason for that...
It's possible to have bi-polar and also a personality disorder, or constantly indulge in bad behaviour, a person who brings chaos and upset everywhere he or she goes because everyone has always made allowances for some reason.

Bipolar is usually diagnosed in late adolescence or young adulthood. By this age, relationship habits (and substance abuse habits) have often already been formed. This person picked up some bad ones along the way, the most serious of which is the refusal to accept responsibility for their actions, but equally bad is the substance abuse. Drinking except in great moderation and drug use of any kind is a huge no-no for anyone serious about controlling bi-polar with medication.