To not be able to cope anymore

[cadburyegg]

Single parent here. I'm just overwhelmed. Work, housework. Everything. My house is always a mess even though I feel like I spend hours trying to keep on top of it. It's mostly clean but ALWAYS messy. My garden is a jungle. Only thing I can keep up with is laundry. Kids 3 and 6. I'm fed up. Toddler tantrums, after school meltdowns. I dread 4pm-9pm every single night. Battle for them to eat dinner, for DS1 to read to me, bathtime, teeth, pyjamas, stories, bedtime. Everything is a battle.

Everything down to me. Budgeting. Money. School admin. Life admin. All my responsibility. I screamed at DS1 tonight. Can't cope anymore. Both kids still awake. Still tidying up to do plus dishwasher plus laundry plus everything fucking else. Working from home for the foreseeable so no real adult conversation all day.

More than once I've considered taking my own life but then who would look after the kids. No one else would be able to cope with them. Most people comment on how difficult they are. I've been on high dose anti depressants for months now. No other help available and don't have time for therapy anyway.

And my mum helps when she can. So I'm lucky in that respect. Their dad is involved too. Why can't I cope? Life is so miserable. 9 months doing this on my own and it's just miserable and not improving. tonight I just feel dreadful and gloomy and an awful mother.

All the best op, hopefully behaviour will improve

Hi @cadburyegg. Sounds like you are really struggling I'm so sorry you feel so down.
Do you get out much with the children? Can you relax the routine or mix things up a bit until you feel a bit better?

Have you reached out to any support services?

Aw sorry to hear. Sounds a tough day. Don't beat yourself up about shouting, we've all done it. Deep breath, big hug and move on

Its impossible to keep a house spotless with children around. As long as its clean and not a risk to their safety then maybe try to accept it is going to be like that for a while.

Hi op

I’m sure there’ll be others along with loads of good advice but didn’t want to read and run. You sound like a great mother who is under pressure, whenever I feel like you are and everybody does, I think about that old saying you just have to be a good enough parent, you don’t have to be amazing with the house gleaming with the latest everything & playing with the kids non-stop, gliding through the day without a hair out of place you just have to be a good enough parent and that’s ok. Mind yourself.

I can't give much practical advice but can I just.say if you're doing all that you're doing amazingly well to keep all those plates spinning. Is there any chance of you going back to the office in the near future? Could their dad have them a bit extra time to allow you to get on top of things?

I’m so sorry. You’re not failing, anyone would find it difficult to cope in that situation. My two sometimes feel like they’re sucking the life out of me and I have DH to help. You are amazing to be going it alone and do not beat yourself up for shouting, we’ve all done it. I hope things improve for you soon.
Who is prescribing your antidepressants? If GP, can you talk to them about how you’re feeling?

I’m sorry, you sound ground down with it all. I’d just like you to know neither mine or none of my friends houses are perfectly clean and tidy (and I have a supportive partner).
Working FT is hard, and tiring and personally I’m still thinking that I need to put washing away, clean kitchen tidy bedrooms put the next washing in machine… there is just endless grind, and Im too knackered to do it. Please don’t be so hard on yourself about tidiness.

Can dad be more involved? Could you let him know that you need him to step up because you're not coping? Otherwise, do speak to the Local Authority about an assessment- there are voluntary placements that could give you breathing space. I would mention contemplating taking your own life, as that might speed the process up.
Could you speak to your mum and ask her to do more? I think talking about things with those around you might mean that they step up- but otherwise they might not see that you're struggling.

Hi @cadburyegg big hug to you. I came on here tonight to look for help for the same reason - completely overwhelmed, single parent, endless round of fucking housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, feel so inadequate etc. I wanted you to know you're not alone. I don't think either of us is inadequate - I think we're doing a damn sight better job than most could. We probably soldier on when others might collapse, then have to deal with the emotional fallout from too much intense pressure, all the time, for too long. You will know all the usual helpful suggestions, but I find I come to a point where taking time to be kind to myself means fuck all. I just want to scream. I do think writing down your frustrations helps. Keep writing all the shit down and something does unknot a bit. Watching Robin Williams on YouTube makes me shout aloud with hysterical laughter, which is also quite releasing-oops! If you want a chat with someone who gets it and is going through same feel free to dm me. You'll get through this. Not many people could do what you're doing. It's all going to be ok, somehow, one day.

Could their dad not be a bit more than “involved”? What about suggesting 50/50 custody? Or a respite period?

This sounds really really hard and it also sounds like you're doing amaIngly well.

Do you have any money to use to try to reduce your stress levels?

Could you move the reading at least to part of the morning routine instead? Mine refused any 'work' after school so we switched it.

Can you reset the evening routine with new rules, new consequences, small reward chart for daily stuff and then and a really high ticket reward for a couple of weeks of good behaviour??

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We're going to move this to the Mental Health topic now and we hope you get some useful advice there.

Could have written almost exactly this. Single parent of 8 month old and 6 year old, have just gone back to work after mat leave and moved house 2weeks ago. House is utter chaos and the evenings are relentless. I take time to do bedtime and chill with both kids and do the bare minimum of house hold tasks. Their dad will only help more if he can have them 50/50 which I just can't agree to for now with the.little one being so young. He's not the type to offer to do anything resembling making life easier. I just keep telling myself it won't last forever and good enough is good enough for now.