Just googled how to die

[OrangeBananaFish]

That's it really. The only link I clicked was the samaritans. I read an interesting quote. Suicidal people usually don't want to die, they just don't want to live their life. This is so true for me. I can't carry on like this.

Just reading a couple of threads on here for advice and it seems everyone else has some trauma in their past. I don't, but still feel the same.

Actually I'd like to get ill, seriously ill. I don't like the thought of the fall out suicide would bring.

I can't do anything about it all though. At work so can't ring GP or a helpline. Also mobile phone signal here isn't the best. I'd only get cut off. All I can do is write this thread.

Any words of wisdom for me? What will make me feel better?

So sad to read this OP

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom, maybe somebody more helpful will be a long soon.

Can you start by telling us any good things about you & your life? Is there anything that you enjoy or want to live for?

Sending huge hugs

Virtual hand hold right here

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. You are really brave to share how you are feeling. I've worked with many people who have felt the way you are now. Without exception, at a later point, they have all been so glad that they didn't end their lives. Things can get better, I promise, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

I wanted to share with you an online resource called stayingsafe.net. It's a brilliant tool to support you to develop a plan to get through times like this. I can't recommend it enough.

Do you have the details of your local crisis team should you need it? Remember A and E is there too if you don't feel safe at any point. Your life is valuable and you are worthy of using the support that is out there

Sending supportive thoughts your way

I'm sad to read this too. I just wanted to say I know how you feel and you're not alone. Someone told me in my darkest hours that there has never been a day that lasts forever, and it helped me realise that very thing. It's a quote from a song.

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve never been suicidal, but I’ve lost the most important person in my life and very nearly lost a brother to suicide as well. So many people argued with my brother when they found out his intentions but I’d like to think I listened. I asked him why. Fancy sharing a few of your reasons? Has something monumental and life changing happened- because if it has, that sharp pain is unbelievable. It took me about 7/8 years to find enjoyment in anything after I lost my mum. You just have to muddle through the hard times and find the very few things that makes you think “this doesn’t suck quite as much as everything else”. And cling onto those for dear life.

What's brought you to this point of despair?

Think back to a specific time when you were feeling really happy. Really immerse yourself in that moment - what could you see, what sounds could you hear, what did you touch and smell. Was it hot or cold? Where were you? What were you wearing? What did you eat and drink? Make it as vivid and real as you can. This will fire up the pleasure centre in your brain and help you in the short term until you can talk to someone about your current situation.

Handhold hugs lots of them please get help, you will get through this, take it minute by minute if you have too. 💐 💐💐💐

Hello OP. I am sorry that you are in pain and feeling this way. Glad you have some practical advice and virtual support here. Is there anyone in real life you feel you can share your feelings with? Even if not right now perhaps later on?

What do I want to live for? My kids. Also my sister was born with downs and along with that had heart problems. She died when she was 18. I wouldn't want my parents to go through another child's death. That was years ago and I was never that close.

"There has never been a day that lasts forever" I like that.

I had exactly this. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to be in my life anymore. At the moment you're still able to reason that your death would have a huge impact on those around you. Hopefully, that will give you a good reason to keep going. In my case it did pass but it took a few years. It takes a huge shift in your thinking and is hard work, but you can get through this.

I am really sorry that you are going throuh this. I have the same sort of thoughts and I also have some serious health issues. I’ve already written an advance directive that I don’t want ‘heroic measures’ if I become more seriously ill. I’ve read a lot about ways to die without commiting a single act, so I have some insight into how you feel.

Anyway, I have found after extensive psychotherapy and decades of psychiatric help that what helps me is keeping my mind engaged in other things. I had to take ill-health retirement which has given me time to do other things (although my job was my lifeline).

I read voraciously, I am learning two languages, I am also just about to start a certificate in English Literature with Oxford University (online), I am also editing another book (as a favour, no monetary pay) and planting up our newly landscaped garden. I also meditate and do yoga.

If I am busy I am not thinking about wanting to escape being alive.

The Samaritans are also excellent when I am acutely suicidal.

I also have a bracelet engraved with the phrase ‘This too shall pass.’

To quote another song, the darkest hour is just before dawn. Hang on in there; you won't feel like this forever even if that seems hard to believe right now. Do you this for the future you, OP. You'll be so glad you stayed. Rooting for you.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I have absolutely felt the way you do before. But I am still here, and I don't feel that way now. It's important to remind yourself that this is not a permanent state of mind, you are unwell and you can, and will, be well again.

On a practical level, have you read Matt Haig's book 'Reasons to stay alive'? I'd really recommend it, if you have the head space to read. It's short and an easy read, but has really helped me through some tough times. It was next to my bed for months and I read it nightly. It gave me perspective and hope that I'd get through the pain, and I did. You can too. I'd happily send you my copy if you like. I know you need more support from professionals, a book won't do it all, but may help a tiny bit.

@OrangeBananaFish

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I don't know much about your situation (and I know it's not a cure all) but are you on any sort of medication? My teen DD felt like this frequently .. hopeless and despairing and not wanting to be here anymore. She was prescribed an antidepressant 3 months ago and it has really helped. Granted it took a couple of weeks to start working which must seem like a long time but it's improved her mood immeasurably.

I hope you find something that works for you. Keep talking

is it anxiety of getting through life or a general malaise. Tbh you need to go to your GP and talk
it through to a real life person. i have been there and i am the happiest i have ever been so things can change.

Another phrase I like is "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I know it doesn't feel temporary, trust me, but there is help out there and you can feel better. It won't happen overnight but it's worth it. I liked to picture my depression as my enemy, a villain I needed to fight. Only I could defeat it and it wasn't going to win.

Try calling your GP, see if you can get referred to a mental health specialist or get medication. There will be a solution. Dying isn't that.

You can do it, OP

Can you break down the big problems into small steps and start making a few changes? You sound like a caring person, thinking about your family. I’m sure there are serious problems but if you have kids and a job then you have some things in your life. I think you really need to tell your doctor how you feel and possibly start anti depressants and therapy. Things can get better! I wish you the best

Thanks for your kind words. I am feeling better and I know I need to do more than write on an Internet forum. It's just working out what.

I am looking at how to change my life, but with bills to pay and mouths to feed its not that easy. I feel stuck in a life I don't want. I just can't see a way out. So I don't want to live this life.

Im not going to end it all, I just don't know what else to do.

Hi OP, I know you're at work but are you are able to text? there looks like confidential support available via text from shout https://giveusashout.org/get-help/

Or do you have someone at work you could talk to in real life?

Sending you a handhold and a hug

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Another quote I like that's similar to the one in your OP is:

"Sometimes you think you want to disappear but what you really need is to be found"

OP, when I'm at my darkest I break every hour into 'sections'. Each section is 15 minutes (or 5 minutes when its really bad). I concentrate on that section and don't look beyond it, I just get through that bit of time and its manageable. Looking ahead is horrific.

I've been hospitalised twice after attempts. The crazy thing is that I had an acute asthma attack recently (its normally chronic) and a little voice in my head said 'ah so this is how I go'. I live alone but happened to be staying with friends when this happened and they called an ambulance. So that was a message that its not my time.

You're here for a reason OP. You're strong and you will get through this even if you think you can't. Don't overwhelm yourself, think small and baby steps. Every minute, every breath. You're loved and important.

I've been there too and was for many years very much "I just wish I didn't exist".

I kept reminding myself how awful it would be for my DC if I committed suicide.

It's been a long slow uphill battle but life has some joy in it again now and although relatively small things are difficult for me to cope with emotionally I live now rather than exist.

I also remind myself about the impact on others of commiting suicide and it helps.

However, it isn’t a solution to the feelings. In fact it can leave someone feeling trapped.

That’s why we need to find a good support network, a lifestyle that works and of course, treatment that works.

There are some people (like me) who have major depressive disorder and experience decades of ongoing or episodic depression. The feeling of not wanting to be alive can be chronic and it is very hard to live with, but it can be done.