Please help or advise. *tw talk of suicidal thoughts* At breaking point with pregnancy

[ohsobroody]

In 30 days only as I don't want to be reminded of this down the line or have it stick around

I have never felt like this. I'm nearing end of pregnancy with first very much wanted baby.

I have been diagnosed with Cholestasis and Pre -eclampsia, both of which carry higher risk of complications and still birth.

I'm doing everything I can for my baby and attending all monitoring appts and check ups but my mental health is falling apart

I'm convinced I won't get to bring home a living baby and that the best thing to do after that is to kill myself. I'm so scared because I've never had trouble with mental
Health previously or felt like this.
When I'm having these thoughts I don't feel frantic or panicky just really calm, like it's just the next logical step to take.
I'm trying not to think like this but I dream it every night and it creeps in during the day too.
I'm not really sure who to talk to, my partner has been amazing but is so worried about me and baby anyway and working hard to save up money before paternity leave. I don't want to burden him.
The health visitor asked if I ever felt down or depressed but I didn't feel able to answer when asked so bluntly and in front of DH

I just don't know what to do anymore

I've looked through maternity notes but aside from midwife they're all contacts for if you're struggling with things like pre term labour or reduced movements

Do you have the number of your HV? You can call them and ask for help without involving your DP if you want to.

If you feel like talking to someone you could call the Samaritans for a chat, or keep posting on here. If you feel you can’t keep yourself safe, go to a&e.

That sounds really frightening but there will be help available. If you don't know how to bring it up, I would suggest you contact your midwife and read exactly what you have written here as a starting point. She will then be able to get you the appropriate support. They are here to support your mental health as well as physical so don't be worried about asking them.

Midwife is very competent but very businesslike to be honest, very efficient at medical stuff but not at all touchy feely.
Samaritans might be a good idea becuase i don't really want a record of this feeling on my medical records if that makes sense.

The weird thing is I'm not panicky and I don't feel in crisis, I wouldn't do anything rn so don't feel in danger so maybe a bit of a fraud ringing?
It's just this weird calm logical feeling I can't shake that if my baby dies I want to go too. Part of me recognises that's crazy but it also seems to make perfect sense, I'm his Mummy and if I can't keep him safe the least terrible option is for us to be together

I am pregnant and am currently attempting ny 3rd NT scan and am super stressed and imagining all sorts so cannot imagine how stressed you are.

You sound like you have a good understanding of yourself and know this isnt rationale.
You really do need to talk about this to someone about this

As a first step - Can you contact / text your midwife and talk to her?

You should also think about talking to your husband. Imagine he was going through this - wpuldnt you want to help? And wouldn't you hate the thought of him going through something so scary alone.

On a rational level - Statistically the odds are in favour of a happy healthy baby.

I would really advise you speak to your midwife. Antenatal depression is known about and it wouldn’t be at all surprising that a woman living through such a high pressure pregnancy is experiencing real difficulty. Write it down if you find talking to the midwife too difficult. Your midwife should be able to provide you with initial support and be able to refer and signpost you to more specialist support. You absolutely don’t have to suffer this in silence .

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower I do recognise that the odds are more in favour of a healthy baby and I'm so confused why that doesn't reassure me. I think having been diagnosed with both conditions that are quite unlikely it's a form of confirmation bias that I'm in the 'unlikely outcome' group

Him arriving safely is all I want and I really think if that happens I can just forget I ever felt like this and move on

Thank you all for replying it does feel better to write it down even to anonymous people on Mumsnet

I think you’re visualising this as a coping strategy. I do similar. If I conjure up the worst thing that could happen in any given scenario then I tend to cap my anxiety by saying to myself, it’s fine, I will just terminate myself too and then I can move on temporarily. It gives me relief.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

@FreeBritnee yes that's exactly what I'm trying to describe, the thought of carrying on if the worst happens is too much so it's like my brain is reassuring me I don't have to

OP, you need urgent help. You can call 111 and select option 2. I get terrible mental health during pregnancy, and it is hard to recognise it as the urgent issue it is whilst you are in the middle of it. Please tell your health care providers ASAP - your midwife is a start but the GP will be able to refer you onwards and I think you need to be helped quickly. Pregnant and postpartum women get priority on mental health lists, which hopefully shows you how common and serious mental health issues are in pregnancy. Do tell your DH too. Best of luck OP, not long now until you get to meet your lovely baby.

You sound so calm and rational. Please do contact your midwife as they will look at this as something they're familiar with and which needs their input.

My very best wishes to you and I hope the outcome for you and your baby is good.

How many weeks pregnant are you OP?
The hospital are aware of your conditions, so that is a good starting point. I suspect it's often when these conditions are undiagnosed it's an issue.
I can empathize, because I had gestational diabetes, so every time my sugar level wasn't as low as it should be, it caused me panic that my babe would be in danger, because of me. However, time passed and I realised that my brain was going into overdrive somewhat and actually so long as it was controlled mostly, it would likely be ok.
It sounds silly, but I literally did a countdown to the day I was going to be induced and ticked off each day, to keep me going.
Have the hospital got a plan for delivery?
Thinking of you. The final stretch was the hardest for me. So close, yet it feels so far. 🌸

Can I suggest when you have these thoughts that you write them down, not for anyone else to see but just to see them as words on a piece of paper.

Why? Because the mind tends to believe as fact the random ideas that we recognise as thoughts - but thoughts are something we absolutely no control over.

By physically writing it down, you take that random idea and you can recognise that it has no basis in reality. This is a good tool to help you put your thoughts 'on trial' so you can judge them to be true or false.