This can’t be normal

[Frnchfancy]

I’m 36. And I’ve literally given up on life. I used to be fun and adventurous and determined … I was attractive and charismatic.
None of those things now. I haven’t left the house for 3 weeks, and probably only twice in 10 weeksI can’t be arsed to cook, can’t really be arsed to eat the shit that’s delivered. I don’t really play with my small child I do the bare minimum to keep the house clean and tidy. I have a niche talent which is in demand and I could earn around £1000 a week from home if I could be bothered, I haven’t worked for months.
Things have been shit since youngest was born a few years ago but I used to fake interest in life and we’ve been to just about every amusement park and holiday park in the country. Do feel a bit better when away as I hate this town with a passion. Been trying to move since December . This summer has been the worst though. Paid hundreds for summer school for little one and he refused to go after a few sessions. He’s just been bumming around the house since. I can’t go anywhere, to anxious to be seen the way I look and can’t face people. I don’t have any friends or much to do with any family so no ones really noticed how I am. DP has been taking DS out to fun things occasionally. He’s frustrated with me, tells me I never smile and I’m awful to be around. Several times a week I just think, I’m always gonna be fat and have a weird shaped body now, I’m always gonna be lazy and depressed because I didn’t really want this life or anything like it, I might aswell just die, I’ll take all the codeine and morphine liquid once they’re all asleep. And then because the child is a hyperactive little sod and is rarely asleep before midnight I don’t get the chance and sort of roll into another day. I think I’ve forgotten how to speak to people I doubt I could even go in a shop , I’ve a huge wad of vouchers I got for a birthday that I will never spend as I can’t use them online. He ordered two meals yesterday , the first I never touched, I actually threw the burger across the room and then straight in the bin, the second I had a few mouthfuls of . Can’t work out why I’m still so bloody fat. It’s just too much now . Can’t see a way out.

Hello. I don't really know what to say. I have been down about my weight recently too but it sounds to me like you have a lot more going on and that you are probably going through depression. Could you make an appointment with the GP or speak to DP and let him know how you feel. Show him this post if you need to so that he can get help via the GP for you.

You're right, it's not normal.

Do you want to change it?

You sound profoundly depressed. It’s not your fault or anything you did. It is an illness like any other. And it is treatable.

You deserve to feel well. Please speak to your GP. You need medication and their advice on what kind of counselling or therapy would suit you best.

You can and will feel happy and well again, with the right medication and support.

I would really suggest you call 111 if you can't face going out, especially as it sounds like you are having suicidal thoughts. How old is your LO? Have you told your husband how low you are feeling?

A lot of the feelings you describe resonate with me last year. I was severely depressed but didn’t realise because to me depression is sitting crying in bed all day.

Please give your GP a call and see what help they can offer. Doing that was one of yeh best things I did for myself. I’ve still got a long way to go especially regarding my weight but my practices lovely mental health nurse has been a superstar and so supportive, I did CBT which has really helped and even tho I was really anti ranting any medication sertraline has done wonders for me

I also think you sound very depressed. Medication may help to even your moods out so you can try to get back to a life you enjoy.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We've had to edit the method out of your opening post, as we don't allow mention of method (we're very visible on search engines).

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

This is very much sounding like a severe illlness (depression) which warrants a pretty urgent call to your GP. Medication is amazing but can take a few weeks to get the benefit so the sooner you can start the ball rolling the better.

Sending you a hug

You sound incredibly depressed, socially anxious and like you've developed agoraphobia too.

I urge you to speak with your GP. In the meantime, look at 'Therapy for You' which is online NHS mental health support, you should be able to get counselling too.

I've been where you are, to certain degrees, and I still slip back there at times....it's awful and debilitating; and at the crux of it is an exhausted mum who never gets a proper break. I describe it as I just want everything and everyone to go away, so I can sleep for a bit, then I'll come back when I'm ready...but annoyingly, life and parenthood doesn't allow that, does it.

Sounds like you’re having an awful time and suffering badly with depression, I’m really sorry that you’re feeling like that- I can relate and am sure lots of others can too.

Have you tried to seek any help from the GP? I think that would be the kindest thing to do for yourself right now. You deserve not to have to spend every day feeling like shit and that’s your first step to recovery.

You sound profoundly depressed. It could well be PND from the birth of your youngest, if that's when it got worse. Either way, there is help available - I promise. I had severe PND and attempted suicide. I'm now enjoying life and parenting, despite having faced the death of my beloved DH. Depression/PND is a horrible, insidious, life-ruining thing. But there is help.

Hi. Thanks all. I’m having a good cry in the bathroom and it’s feeling quite cathartic. GP is useless , I’ve had just about every tablet going and I get such horrendous side effects with no real benefit. As bizarre as it sounds I actually miss my old lifestyle a lot. I grew up in a hugely dysfunctional household, it truly was a battle for survival and I left at 15 to set up home with a complete arse. By 17 I was a single mum, chasing my tail from work to the childminders and living on an estate straight out of an episode of shameless. It was rough and poor and run down but there was such a huge sense of community and we had a lot of fun. When I met DP DD was a difficult teen and I was strung out and always getting harassed by work , trying to study , always skint and it sounds like a nightmare but I felt alive, strong, capable and powerful. Since shacking up with mr perfect and him paying for everything, controlling everything and having this life that looks perfect but is actually very lonely and very boring I’ve lost touch with all the whacky characters and ‘salt of the earth’ type mates . I had an awful birth with LO and I’ve had one surgery to put some of the. Damage right. Due the big one in December if I can get the weight off. Dp paying for it all of course so I should be so bloody grateful to have all this pain ! But I just lack any motivation . I feel a bit useless and a bit pointless now. Also think hormones are messed up too and regretting agreeing to have a mirena fitted. Might take the damn thing out and see if it helps , at the very least I’ve had non stop IBS since it was put in. I know I sound completely nuts but I actually want my old life back where I fitted in .
You’re all very kind for responding.

I really missed my old life after dc1. It sounds like you might have a bit of ptsd, and I would say deffo depression. How long have you taken the various pills for? Have you tried one called duloxetine?

@Haggisfish3
I haven’t. I believe the amount of painkillers I’m on makes it difficult to switch to that kind of drug. I’m on hefty opioids among others. I’ve got major issues with my back since the c section and I’ve been on such heavy painkillers for the last few years I literally struggle to remember anything. I can if I look at photos remember bits but I couldn’t tell you what his first words were , describe any of his outfits or when and where his first steps were. It’s like a light went out somewhere in my brain in theatre that night. I just felt broken and detached. We’ve muddled through since he’s well looked after but I feel hollow. It’s really tiring too as neither of us have family that are interested, we’ve never had a break from him that we’ve not had to pay a professional for. We don’t bother so we don’t have a relationship or go out together. Sleep separately most of the time. I resent it a bit. I didn’t want this. I’d already been a mum and done it all. It was a massive mistake and it’s ruined everything. I’d like to split up and start again as a couple and be in love. Of course that’s not possible I’ll have to see this through for another decade and a half. I’m just in tears all the time. I think if I can get healthy I can do things to fix it but It seems if I fix one problem another pops up. I literally stood there stirring cake mix today with tears streaming down my face. Ds doesn’t even comment he’s so used to it.

I think it’s not uncommon to experience these sorts of feelings after emergency surgery. I don’t think the antidepressants do interact with painkillers. Would definitely be worth asking again, but also asking for counselling.

Really sorry you're feeling like this @Frnchfancy

The fact that you are posting and talking about how you're feeling is a positive step.

I hear what you are saying about trying to solve one problem and another one popping up. It's really hard when you are dealing with multiple symptoms/issues, it's like you're living in a fog.

The fact that you've lost your appetite stood out to me, before you do anything else I'd see if you could get back into the habit of eating regular meals and trying to include some protein to balance your blood sugar. Take it a step at a time, you don't have to fix all of it at once.

Oh OP, I feel for you so much. What you're describing is classic PND. In my experience hormones make it so much worse - I would definitely consider getting the mirena removed. Women prone to PND are more likely to have issues with hormonal contraception. What antidepressants have you tried? None of them worked for me until I went into max dose fluoxetine and it was utterly life-changing. But such a pain to get there. Oh I really really feel for you, I remember all these feelings so well - longing for my old life, longing for my pre-baby life, feeling my marriage was broken and could never be fixed, feeling utterly broken and just like I would never, ever be happy again. Oh, it was awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh OP. You sound just like me, mood wise.

I’m under a Psych and on a truckload of medications. I barely leave the house, I barely eat, I barely sleep (most people would be asleep round the clock with what I’m on), absolutely fuck all brings me joy.

Also had a shite chaotic childhood, left home at 16, I’m now 34.

My Psych said something about being in permanent alert for danger mode my entire life (true) and that I’m crashing from that, and it’s really common in trauma patients.

EMDR isn’t suitable for me as it’s been multiple trauma either simultaneously or one after the other, for my entire fucking life. CBT doesn’t work as I have ADHD.

So. Yeah. I’m kinda stuck in this weird haze.

Have you got a peri natal psych team? They can prescribe things that GPs can’t it seems that you’re definitely at that point now, where you need a specialist.

I read recently that those of us who grew up in dysfunction and chaos (that's probably most of us) tend to live our lives trying to seek out the same levels of dysfunction and chaos. It's all we know. It is 'home' for us. That makes so much sense to me and has allowed me to really understand why I live how I do. We are creatures of habit. It doesn't mean we can't also change though, I would try and get some therapy OP, urgently if possible.

[quote Frnchfancy]@Haggisfish3
I haven’t. I believe the amount of painkillers I’m on makes it difficult to switch to that kind of drug. I’m on hefty opioids among others. I’ve got major issues with my back since the c section and I’ve been on such heavy painkillers for the last few years I literally struggle to remember anything. I can if I look at photos remember bits but I couldn’t tell you what his first words were , describe any of his outfits or when and where his first steps were. It’s like a light went out somewhere in my brain in theatre that night. I just felt broken and detached. We’ve muddled through since he’s well looked after but I feel hollow. It’s really tiring too as neither of us have family that are interested, we’ve never had a break from him that we’ve not had to pay a professional for. We don’t bother so we don’t have a relationship or go out together. Sleep separately most of the time. I resent it a bit. I didn’t want this. I’d already been a mum and done it all. It was a massive mistake and it’s ruined everything. I’d like to split up and start again as a couple and be in love. Of course that’s not possible I’ll have to see this through for another decade and a half. I’m just in tears all the time. I think if I can get healthy I can do things to fix it but It seems if I fix one problem another pops up. I literally stood there stirring cake mix today with tears streaming down my face. Ds doesn’t even comment he’s so used to it.[/quote]
Bless you.

How old are your children now frnch?
Parenting is hard, really really hard..and relentless. I totally get what you mean, we have hardly any support either - dysfunctional grandparents on one side and fairly disinterested ones on the other, so also have rarely had a break. Also I found the more children you have, the less people want to babysit too...so we also rarely got any respite.

My advice to you would be: Find a regular babysitter and make couples time, or have date nights indoors where you get dressed up and buy a supermarket meal deal, put some music and candles on.

Speak to people in Real Life, open up and try and find a support network. If family are useless, then you need to make your friends you family...focus on getting closer to them, that way you help one another out too (and I guarantee some of your friends feel exactly the same)

Follow influencers on social media, that focus on body positivity. I can really recommend Knee Deep in Life and Brummymummy2 , look on their FB pages, they talk a lot about self-love and mental health and the importance of being true to yourself. Sometimes their videos are enough to make me smile/laugh when it all feels too much.

Don't be afraid to go back to your doctor. A lot of antidepressants take a good few weeks to kick in and it can be trial and error before finding one that works for you.

If you're not getting on with the mirena, maybe consider the old-school copper coil, as it's non hormonal.

Honestly, it will get better, I promise you.