Am I being rational?

[Fullywhelmed]

My dh has gently asked me to visit the doctor about my anxiety.

Background: I have 3 kids. In the past 4 years all 3 have been life threateningly unwell, two physically (both requiring emergency medicine for life threatening sudden ill health) and one mentally (severe depression, including 2 years of school refusal and all the long term stress that entails; this teen is also autistic). They were not all ill at the same time but one after another a year apart. All are now much better and the two who were physically unwell entirely recovered from those illnesses. At the time I managed all of this and ploughed on with work only taking time off when my children were hospitalised and working around my son's mental health difficulties.

My youngest has been not very well for a few months with (painless) chronic diarrhea. There has been a bit of a loss of energy and they sometimes look a bit pale. We have been to GP and are waiting appointment with gastroenterology. It looks likely to be ibs or a food intolerance. They are 11 years old. I should say blood and stool tests to date have not been of major concern - minor inflammatory markers.

I have become completely obsessive about this child's health. I have been completely convinced at times that they have leukemia or lymphoma and this has literally kept me awake shaking on nights after they have complained of being tired or not very hungry. They had covid and then 2 weeks later a random high temp for 2 days and I was utterly convinced they had PIMS - that very rare multi system inflammatory condition. I took them to A and E at 1am and demanded blood tests and when we were discharged I made them sleep in their clothes for the next night in case I had to go back to hospital. I checked their temperature every hour and only calmed down once it came down easily after paracetamol.

We are now on holiday - I had to talk myself into coming away as I was worried about being somewhere different, and then we drove down in the rain and I was absolutely terrified that we would crash and all die - and I am aware that I am choosing activities that limit exercise because I am frightened of pushing my youngest child too far. If they refuse to eat a sandwich I lose my appetite and start to feel sick. I didn't have a drink last night in case I had to get up in the night to take my child to hospital again because they said they had a stitch during our walk.

I am currently (Peri?) Menopausal - on HRT but not sure it's working properly and I don't know if it's a symptom of that or some kind of post traumatic stress condition that has caught up with me. The thing is that my child is not right, and it's rational to be worried, and we have had a long wait for the specialist because of covid backlogs etc. But I seem to have lost all sense of proportion specifically regarding this child's health. What should I do? Will the GP be able to help? Does this sound irrational? It's got to the point where sometimes i wish I hadn't had children because I love them so much and it fills me with dread that something bad will happen, or I think that being dead wouldn't be too bad at all because I wouldn't be terrified about my youngest. (I don't have any intention of acting on this, but even that thought seems different from how I used to think). I have lost about 10 lb or so from not eating much since my youngest became unwell back in May.

Should probably say youngest's earlier physical illness was intestinal obstruction so this might be why the abdo nature of current illness has been so very triggering.

Oh please do speak to your GP. They can absolutely help. I spent years in a slightly similar position. Having had a year when I thought eldest child might die I was hyper vigilant and would become severely panicky and anxious at the smallest thing.
I’ve had CBT. I’ve also accepted that I’ve likely been suffering for many years. I’m on Prozac. No intention of stopping it! I’m able to plan holidays, cope with uncertainties, dismiss irrational worries and even laugh/feel happy.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be well and enjoy your kids.

It doesn’t sound dramatic it sounds like you are going through a lot and maybe need to look after yourself too .. can you refer yourself for some help through IAPT?

What's IAPT?

You sound utterly burnt out OP, so yes you do need to seek medical help for your anxiety.

I had a similar car crash 18 mth period in which: FiL died, I lost a baby at12 weeks pregnant, DH had major money issues, we had to move to a completely new location, our child was diagnosed with ASD, we bought a house, I had to have my gallbladder removed and I took my local authority to tribunal to get my child a place in a special school. Oh and DS was so unwell with their tonsils that they were in and out of hospital over a year and eventually had them removed and had to be hospitalised again because they then refused to eat or drink.

My brain just became completely unable to compute things rationally, from being in constant flight or fight. It's still broken tbh, but I am learning to live with it, slowly.

You have been through a lot of traumas and your behaviours are a reaction to that. Therapy would be a good plan. Your husband is right to have suggested it.

Thanks for being so kind everyone.

I will (try to!) make a doctor's appointment for when I get home.

IAPT is a place where you can self refer for counselling CBT etc if you google your local council IAPT service you will find more information

I am already trained in CBT and have used those techniques and mindfulness to rationalise and ground myself for many years. But it seems to have stopped working now - in the moment I feel like I AM being rational, if cautious. It's only later when I look back on the behaviour that I can see it's incredibly anxious behaviour.

When DC had the bowel obstructed 5 doctors
(GP, A and E doctor, 2 SHOs and the pediatrician) misdiagnosed it as gastritis. One even told me it was definitely not obstructed. I had to insist on a surgical consultant to come and see us on his rounds. I think that had a profound effect on my trust in doctors.

It's really good that you can look back and recognise your anxious/irrational thoughts are taking over. Use your CBT STOPP training to think about whether you are reacting or responding. But you do need a bit of professional backup to recover your equilibrium - not surprising after everything you've endured and continue to endure.

Be sure to take whatever time out you can to rest and re-centre yourself.

I've had a really similar experience. Life-threatening illnesses for both my DC and I also had cancer. I experienced endless misdiagnoses from the medical profession and the only reason we're all still alive is that I was so anxious about our health that I insisted on seeing specialists/having extra tests done, which is when the illnesses were diagnosed. At the time I coped fine and basically acted like superwoman because I didn't feel like I had the choice not to cope. It has left me with crippling anxiety as I feel am overwhelming responsibility for my family's health and being hypervigilent for everything because it was only my hypervigilence that got our diagnoses and prevented much worse illness/death.

CBT helps but not enough for me. I think my mind/body has got so used to being on hyperalert/running on adrenaline that I can no longer relax. I have recently started taking sertraline and it has really helped. I've also started talking therapy which I find more helpful than CBT. I'm also interested in getting EDMR for the ptsd it has left me with.

I think the thing that helps the most, and what I struggle with the most, is to be self-compassionate. When I told my therapist everything that has happened to me she nearly fell off her chair and it was actually really helpful to have someone objective react like that as it made me realise that what I've gone through is terrible and awful and it is totally normal to have some long-term effects from that. We're not robots and we can't sustain coping through trauma after trauma without it affecting ting our mental health. I'm still working on the self-compassion and I still struggle with hypervigilance, particularly health anxiety, but I am taking tiny steps forward every day. I hope you get some help OP.

Kitii that does sound incredibly similar (though to be fair the doctors were excellent with my other child's serious illness, diagnosed within 12 hours). But the stuff you say about being hypervigilant and getting through it by acting like superwoman really resonate.

My youngest is tired and pale today. I have been googling again and notice again how completely my own mood depends on their symptoms. I do think making us all wait months for appointments with a specialist while I have to keep feeding all the stuff that appears to contribute to chronic diarrhea while watching my child be so much not their usual healthy bouncy self is very cruel. The specialist appointment was meant to be next week but it got put back a month; people on Summer hols I think. I on the other hand get to see the GP on Friday, appointment made. I will pop back and update after.

Hi OP, I too suffer from similar health anxiety and your situation is very similar to mine in terms of the reasons behind it.

My eldest was very unwell when she was 4 - critically ill with a brain haemorrhage that required brain surgery. Like you, I coped with it as best as I could at the time (well I think)

However. 2 years later a close family member was diagnosed with two conditions close together and I spiralled. Became obsessed with my children’s health and my own health.

Please speak to your GP - I did and accesses CBT which was so helpful.

Sadly I am going through similar again following the death of my mum and two years of incredible stress relating to her care.

@Kittii I also don’t think I can fully relax. The only time I probably genuinely do is if I have had alcohol - but I don’t allow myself to drink when anxious because that’s a slippery slope I am not willing to go down.

I'm sure that very sensible. I've found that alcohol helps when I drink it but I feel much more anxious the next day. Although I'm allowing myself some this week as I'm on holiday and thankfully it doesn't seem to be having any bad effects the next day. I sometimes wonder if how I feel drinking alcohol is how most people feel all the time! DH is a very relaxed character and I really envy him.

[quote Shellfishblastard]@Kittii I also don’t think I can fully relax. The only time I probably genuinely do is if I have had alcohol - but I don’t allow myself to drink when anxious because that’s a slippery slope I am not willing to go down.[/quote]
Try this;

Update: I have two weeks worth of sertraline to try and then back to GP to see how I am feeling. First tablet tomorrow. Also going to sign up for some talking therapy but I have been warned there is a very long waiting list.

Last night I felt so relieved that someone was going to try to make things better and that just for once not everything is my responsibility :)

That’s brilliant! You have a plan and away forward. CBT and fluoxetine have been life changing for me. Good luck.

@Fullywhelmed

Update: I have two weeks worth of sertraline to try and then back to GP to see how I am feeling. First tablet tomorrow. Also going to sign up for some talking therapy but I have been warned there is a very long waiting list.

Last night I felt so relieved that someone was going to try to make things better and that just for once not everything is my responsibility :)

Brilliant OP! Remember that the road to recovery isn't linear, and that good mental health isn't a destination. Allow yourself to have bad days.

Further update: I let youngest dc have their first sleepover since covid struck.
I am really struggling with the idea that they will get tired out. Not much dinner has been eaten. This is of course evidence that they are seriously ill (I know it isn't). I feel so very anxious. I feel like I could burst into tears. I really am not very well at all. Sertraline starts tomorrow and I am dreading feeling any worse than this.

I have found it helpful to think of my anxiety like the weather. Sometimes it's a thunderstorm and scary and dark but another day the sun will come out. The only certain thing is that the weather will change, and that's OK.

I've been on sertraline for 5 weeks now. The first 10 days I felt wired but its worth pushing through as I feel so much better already.

I'm very happy for you to PM me if you need a handhold at any time. Anxiety is a horrible beast but I'm starting to feel hopeful that there is a way out.

PS make sure you take sertraline with a full glass of water otherwise you can get bad heartburn. I felt a bit nauseous and headachy at first but glad I persevered.

Thanks Kittii for that kindness. Already feeling better having been up and seen them playing happily - now got them watching a film. It's like the weather as you say. The slightest sign of a squall and I am convinced it's a tornado, then when I pop back and see that they are sailing happily I calm back down to "maybe it's just a slightly bumpy sea". It's like my regulation is entirely dependent on their presentation and I am so determined not to fuck them up forever by projecting my anxiety onto them. Onwards and upwards!

Yes sounds like hypervigilence, which is totally understandable when you have had ill DC. Especially that sense of responsibility as you feel everything rests on you. Hope you manage to have a good evening/night. I don't know you but I am rooting for you I hope the thought that a complete stranger has compassion for you and is cheering you on helps

Funnily enough my dearest friend at sixth form college was called Kitty. So you were already Surprisingly comforting 🙂 thankyou so much x