I feel so worthless and I dont know how to belong anymore

[Placebo88]

I am feeling very very very down and lonely. I need to talk to someone, anyone who will listen.
I posted a few days ago about my relationship that turned abusive and so had to end. I have had weak moments and felt like going back and he knows I still feel strongly. Confusing for me. So he comes back and says "let's stay friends and maybe if we can get on we might be able to be together in the future" i know that he has been on dates with other women and was still talking to them but he explained it just doesn't feel right. I said "I want you to get anger management and you will have to get rid of the other woman" his reply "I cant tell her now as she is on holiday and that would be out of order and hurtful". I said "so its ok to hurt me all that you have as well as by keeping her there". The anger management he wouldn't even consider. So I told him I dont want to stay friends... I just want to stop contact and get over this now. I cant stay friends as that is going to just open me up to hurt etc.
After this I just feel completely worthless. Like I'm not even a human being. It doesn't matter about all the things he has said to me... like ugly, rat, stupid,etc the hitting... the emotional damage. But for this stranger he cant bring himself to say anything nasty....
I feel like shit on the floor and all evening I just have been thinking about suicide. Its so bad and my mental health is awful. Its obviously not just this incident. Its the culmination of everything.
I am very sad.

Sounds awful OP 😖
Have you managed to block contact now?

@pennee

Sounds awful OP 😖 Have you managed to block contact now?

Yes. Blocked completely

How are you feeling now?
Well done on blocking I know it’s so very hard from experience.
Do you have any real life support?

OP your Post has made me think a lot about things.
Firstly I'm sorry that you are going through this. You have already shown an incredible amount of resilience to have blocked him.
Amazing.

Secondly, you know what a louse he is and you do know you are worth more. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Do not forget this.

See yourself in 5 years time (so not long) and see a life free of this piece of shit and know that he doesn't get to decide how your life plays out. You do.
Your move.
Your life.
No dress rehearsal.
Do it.
Without this shit.

You are worthy.
You deserve to be treated like the beautiful human being that you are. Your inner strength will come back in time.
You will heal. Do not let any other person determine your self worth. Do not let anyone feel strong and powerful because they are making you feel weak. Take one tiny little step at a time and each little step will take you away from this unbearable pain and life will be bearable again. Do it for you. Because you're lovely and you're you x

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea
Spot on ! You've made some good points there, well said !

I think the fact that you blocked him shows you know you are worth more than this so let that thought help you to just hang in there. Things won't always be like this..remember this is about the creep he is and not the precious person you are.

You've made the right choice and shown that you have a worth and that you won't stand for being treated badly.

He treated you shoddily, and would continue to do so. Not because you deserve it, but because he is a vile abuser. He is not capable of having a healthy relationship, with you or with anyone else.

There is no benefit to staying 'friends' - in any case does he treat you like a friend? Of course not. He isn't a friend. He isn't capable of beingf a good friend. You deserve so much more than him.

I know this is really hard, but you have made the right choice and done the hardest bit. You are important. You are worth more. There is great hope for a happy future for you. Be kind to yourself and don't expect everything to change overnight. But know that you are on the right track.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

@FionaMumsnet
Lovely message, what a support network, you have helped others by listing the help sites, thankyou !

@FionaMumsnet

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Thanks for the sites and resources.

I'm not sure that the paragraph about giving more is that helpful though (and a bit insensitive when someone is feeling this way) as now I just feel a burden and like everyone thinks I'm out to get money. I'm sure a paragraph and a unanimous view is hardly too much emotionally. It comes to something, when we as humans are deterred from helping each other emotionally. No wonder there are so many nasty people in the world.

Sorry I have to say it because that paragraph is quite upsetting. You think aww all these lovely responses. Then you come and plonk a big fat paragraph like that on the end which then pulls me down again.

Yes, I have real life support, but I just wanted an unbiased bit of support from other mums. Sometimes you cant tell if the people around you are just taking your side because they know you and love you.

@Placebo88@ I think that is probably just a generic cut and paste type response as I’ve read the same several times before.

I just wanted to say about the other women and him not able to be horrible to her. Just remember the initial stage of an abusive relationship is the love bombing part. He is keeping her sweet at the moment, she is another potential target. Stay away from him he is trying to use his power to keep you hooked in. Look at how powerful he is still that he can get you feeling like this and acting like that.

You need to completely cut contact with this person and then work on yourself. Ive been where you are, I used to dream I’d not wake up because I hated my life but 2 years on and it’s still hard at times but I’m so glad I’m still alive and kicking.

This is who he is and who he is probably to other women too. Your lack of self worth is a viscous cycle, you stay too long with worthless men and MH suffers more.

You have convinced yourself that his twatery is temporary or person dependent, the common dominator is him.

[quote Fightingback16]@Placebo88@ I think that is probably just a generic cut and paste type response as I’ve read the same several times before.

I just wanted to say about the other women and him not able to be horrible to her. Just remember the initial stage of an abusive relationship is the love bombing part. He is keeping her sweet at the moment, she is another potential target. Stay away from him he is trying to use his power to keep you hooked in. Look at how powerful he is still that he can get you feeling like this and acting like that.

You need to completely cut contact with this person and then work on yourself. Ive been where you are, I used to dream I’d not wake up because I hated my life but 2 years on and it’s still hard at times but I’m so glad I’m still alive and kicking.[/quote]
I have had it drummed into me over and over that the reason he is this way to me is because me. He even said "I dont need anger management. Since I have been away from you I haven't been angry at all. So it must be you frustrating me."

Then I feel like I should stay away from anyone as I'm a frustrating person altogether. I feel extremely low today, doubting my decision to not stay friends. Feeling extremely lonely. I know its right, but at the same time doubt it as I do miss him a lot. I know its ridiculous. Its confusing me.

People do care, please stay strong. Sit in the sunshine, let the healing rays soak into you and know that the future can only get brighter from this day on. When you are not a cruel person it's hard to believe that people who are supposed to love you can be so cruel. Never go down the route of blaming yourself for unkind treatment. When people are in the wrong they have to make themselves look and feel better by blaming everyone else. Trust me. One day you will know that you were worth so much more.

Hi op, How are you feeling today?

I wanted to say that you don't deserve what had happened to you. I totally get how that kind of relationship can leave you feeling so low.

That's how these awful people work.

It will get better. I won't go into details but I know that it does and that you can heal and feel happier.

@Placebo88 hope you are ok. I won’t derail your thread with my own story but I have been in the absolute depths of despair, honestly everything felt like darkness. Please hold on. It really will start to get better even if it feels impossible now. Just take each day and live through the misery, let it be there but hold on.

@reallyworriedjobhunter

Hi op, How are you feeling today?

I wanted to say that you don't deserve what had happened to you. I totally get how that kind of relationship can leave you feeling so low.

That's how these awful people work.

It will get better. I won't go into details but I know that it does and that you can heal and feel happier.

Feeling absolutely awful today. Keep going over and over the messages in my head. Thinking where did I become so worthless to him that my feelings mean nothing. Its not fair.

@Placebo88 your feelings never became nothing they were never anything to him from the very beginning. People like him don’t care about the needs of others. Nothing you did or could have done would have made the slightest bit of difference because anything you did would have been irrelevant.

[quote Fightingback16]@Placebo88 your feelings never became nothing they were never anything to him from the very beginning. People like him don’t care about the needs of others. Nothing you did or could have done would have made the slightest bit of difference because anything you did would have been irrelevant.[/quote]
He never seemed like that at the beginning. He was very caring, doting and loving. He keeps telling me I have made him like that. My way of being. I used to dump him a lot because of his lack of communication. It would get me so angry and frustrated. It hurt a lot and I felt demeaned. He used to either stonewall or speak over me insulting me in the process. I didnt know how to handle it... I feel so incredibly deflated and used and washed up. Like there is nothing left of me to give anyone anymore.

I'm extremely lonely. I don't know why this is happening. Sometimes its not really hitting me that its over.
It went a week and half without talking. Then he got in touch for his stuff and it opened up the wounds again as he was insulting and bragging about his new gf. Its just too much for me now.

Problem is that I do believe it is my fault.

It must be very difficult to be in this position.
I’m afraid I only got away from my abusive ex as I had a mental breakdown. It is an impossible situation to be in and one that will require looking very deeply into why you think you should be treated so badly. For me it was my mum who instilled in me that I was not good enough.

Please know that the longer you’re strong and refuse to have any contact with him, the easier everything will become. Minute by minute, hour by hour. You will be rewarded for it. Eventually (and you won’t know where the time went) you’ll look back and be so grateful that he’s long gone. Please - be your own best friend and have zero contact with him. I’ve been there and I promise you it’s the only way 🪴

@OpheliaBush

Please know that the longer you’re strong and refuse to have any contact with him, the easier everything will become. Minute by minute, hour by hour. You will be rewarded for it. Eventually (and you won’t know where the time went) you’ll look back and be so grateful that he’s long gone. Please - be your own best friend and have zero contact with him. I’ve been there and I promise you it’s the only way 🪴

So he asked about staying amicable for our sons sake. I asked about this new woman as I dont want my son around strange women. I said we aren't going to be together so he can be honest. He just said he isn't interested. But still wants to lead her on a week. This lead me to just feel frustrated and like he would never understand anything from my point of view. I dont even know what that is about. But the conversation couldn't carry on without an argument so I said its never ever going to happen. We cant get on. Let's just get out of each others lives and cut him off completely.