Adult ADHD - son left uni, needs support

[Cornetto99]

Hi there, I’m looking for practical help, resources and support groups for me and my son. My son left uni this month and is struggling with confidence and getting a job. ADHD attention deficit was diagnosed after he started uni. Before he was 18, I could help him with paperwork and daily life, etc, but after uni, urgent emails went unread by him, letters were opened and discarded, appointments missed, etc. He take meds now which have helped a little bit. At school he was quiet and polite and in the middle of class so ADHD wasn’t picked up.

He’s very introverted and he didn’t enjoy uni and says his last 16 months were a complete a waste of time during the Covid lockdowns, no practical work on a practical course, just Zoom, his idea of hell. But he made his own connections, achieved well and is doing unpaid work experience in his chosen field and I’m really proud of him for trying.

The ADHD referral took 6 months, from doctor’s surgery to ADHD Clinic and diagnosis. It was total red tape and absolute hell, then it took another year trying frantically to leave the clinic and get his meds directly from our own doctor. He has no faith in the doctor’s surgery and reception staff, or the ADHD Clinic – I understand why, it was abysmal. The only useful and essential thing was the actual diagnosis.

I want to help him manage his ADHD, help with his wellbeing and help him get a job, but we are floundering. His routines are poor, they improve for a few days and then collapse. He can’t store instructions for long. He can’t tidy his room without a 10 point bullet list. Constant chasing about waking up, coming down for meals, did he check his emails, did he do XYZ? I feel like I’m his carer, I spend so much time motivating him. We can’t go back to the ADHD clinic.

Does anyone know where we can find a young adult support group for him virtual or actual one locally? We are in London. And a similar support group for me as a parent please? Would be so helpful to talk to others in respective situations. A parents Whatsapp group would help. We are also going to look at CBT and IAPT by him self-referring through the NHS website. I’ve tried contacting various ADHD orgs and charities for support groups, but have gone in circles so would really appreciate personal recommendations about the orgs. If anyone else is struggling to get help, I do sympathise. Thank you.

@Dane - that's great - thank you. I will look into that and it's a perfect location in the middle of Central London - easy to get to.

Also look at Access to Work, they provide work related coaching. If you apply as soon as you start a job then the coaching is free. Also have a look at private coaching.

No suggestions but good luck OP!

My partner was recently diagnosed and I recognise a lot of your DS challenges but also yours! That line of helping/supporting but not becoming a carer is a very thin line.

I also struggle with knowing when things arent being done because hes struggling with the ADHD and when hes just being lazy etc.

Sorry I dont have much to offer but you are definitely not alone.

Good luck!

@MistySkiesAfterRain - Brilliant thank you. That is an excellent suggestion

@TreeDice - Sometimes I think he's literally blocked and other times I wonder if he's being lazy - it's probably both! I also realise that I'm very similar and had focussing issues as a young child but not like him because I loved books. I have time-blindness and lots of ADHD attention deficit traits, if there was more time in the day and I wasn't so put off by the diagnosis system I'd get myself tested too. I found coping strategies in my mid 20s, so my job choices improved, before that I was drifting and doing uninspiring jobs. Writing this has made me realise that he might take the same path as me and it might get better with age.

I was tested and started on meds last week.

Dh is trying to get his mind round the fact he has all the signs for ADHD but is in denial.

The one thing I would ask your Ds to take into consideration when he does find a job is to watch out for getting bored/overwhelmed/his mental health starting to suffer

I started working f/t when I left school and after 2 years in the job I had a breakdown and left. It took me a year before I could even get my mind round going back to work and again after 2 years I remember having a massive meltdown down and walking out.
Again another year to start again.
Same thing again but this time I think I had a full on nervous breakdown and haven’t worked f/t since
I have tried bits and pieces of p/t work but really can’t handle it.
I don’t know if meds would have helped but I have not worked for decades.

Dh when we look back he too has never spent more than 2 years in a job that is office based or where he goes everyday and mixes with the same people.
He always either walks out or they ask him to leave and again it takes him a bit of time to get a new job.

Dh was arguing that he can’t be adhd because he had spent 14 years in his last job. I had to point out that 12 of those years he spent flying around the world going to multiple countries and was not in one place for more than 2 weeks. Because of a health issue he became office based and 2 years later walked out.

I have a Ds and dd who are going through the assessment process.
It was dd who pointed out the symptoms of adhd to me

I would tell your Ds when he starts work to watch out for signs he isn’t coping and that it is false economy in staying in a job and making your mental health suffer. I would say it is better to walk away and start again before you become so unwell it takes you a year to get well again.

My own children I doubt will ever work full time.
They work through agencies picking and choosing when and where they work snd what they do so they are never more than a few days in any one location.

@Bythemillpond - that's very recent that you started meds but good for you. How are you getting on with them? I hear you need to take them for a good 6 months for them to settle down. They did have some effect on DS but very slight change.

After his diagnosis I realised I may have it, but I don't think I have the energy for a diagnosis because his ADHD clinic were so inept.

Good point about work being overwhelming or boring. DS can only really be employed in things that interest him. He had a panic attack and left a shop job on the first day because of information overload. Learning experience. Now he's doing jobs in his degree subject so that's why they are going OK. I'm thinking to get him into volunteering in his degree subject and hope it gives him employment opportunities.

What kind of short-term jobs did your children do? I'm always looking for ADHD job ideas to help DS's confidence.

Has he seen anyone about having his medication adjusted or swapped?

One of the key things with my ADHD is to reduce the amount of steps needed to complete a task. What tasks they are and how to reduce the steps will vary from person to person.

I bloody hate admitting this - but TikTok has some brilliant videos on ADHD Life Hacks.

I seem to be ok with the meds so far. Although it has not been 1 week.

I have lost interest in food during the day so the weight is dropping off. So that’s good
I haven’t noticed much of a difference. I take the pill in the morning and I know people say they feel it “kick in” but I just feel the same. It isn’t until I look back and see I have achieved in the past week that I think it must be working. I have done a few loads of laundry, a letter to appeal a motoring fine, I have paid some bills. Usually the money is in the account but my brain has to be in the mood to go into my bank account. It might not sound a lot for a week but given how scrambled my brain was it is an enormous improvement.
I don’t think I will ever work in any sort of job again but my ADHD comes up with some interesting business ideas.

dd who is my eldest left school at 16 and pre pandemic was working as a baby sitter, teaching assistant in schools, restaurant manager, cloakroom assistant, mixologist, bar manager, teaching ECAs, shoe sales person in a pop up shop, waitress, roadie and she did a bit of modelling. I am sure I have missed a load of things out.
She is always laughing at the really random stuff she has done when she thinks about it.
She once served a couple and their dd in the pop up shop in the morning, taught their dd at her ECA in the afternoon and then served the parents at an evening party they were at that night.

Ds was not quite 18 when the pandemic hit He had only left college the previous summer where he was training to do a trade. He had wanted to carry on and qualify but as he didn’t have GCSE English language and they had changed the rules he could only ever do grade or level 1 stuff. He has really bad dyslexia and dysgraphia.
He had gone to college in the September to do a grade 1 multi skills course but walked out as it was too easy and in his last lesson there he was given a book to work through on health and safety, he completed the years work in one lesson.
He had just started working with dd doing hospitality when we all got ill in the December and ds and I developed long Covid which took months to come through. He has spent lockdown going from one hyper focus to another. He has been doing stock trading and will be doing hospitality when it starts to open again.
He has also been researching property and together with his Dsis and me is looking to buy a joint property and renovate then sell it.

I had to dissuade him from a lot of stuff that he hyper focuses on as whilst it sounds like a brilliant idea the reality is just impractical.

All I can say is no 2 days are the same

I was listening to a podcast from Adrian Chiles about his ADD or ADHD. It was really interesting and he recommended a book at the end of it.

"Spotify Link - Adrian Chiles on being diagnosed with ADD as an adult"

"Book Link - Deliver us from Distraction"

@Bythemillpond - it sounds like it's doing it's job and you are getting things done. Good for you.

Your DD and DS sound very together, proactive and high functioning and confident. So do you - lots of business ideas in your family! Those are good skills. My DS doesn't have these confidence skills and he would struggle with most of your DD's jobs or be completely switched off and want to be doing something else. He has quite a narrow field of interests.

I think dd especially focuses on the money.
She was really upset recently that she was supposed to be managing the bars at a music event 3 days work, 14 hour days and £23 per hour plus her own parking space
It got cancelled because of Covid.
We do come up with business ideas mainly because no one would ever give us jobs.

I started my own thread recently about my own son, and received wonderful suggestions, help and support-I'll link my thread here so you can look through it. Obviously not the same circumstances but you might be able to pick bits out.
I wish you well-good luck!

No idea anymore how to support son with ADHD http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4292675-no-idea-anymore-how-to-support-son-with-adhd

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I started my own thread recently about my own son, and received wonderful suggestions, help and support-I'll link my thread here so you can look through it. Obviously not the same circumstances but you might be able to pick bits out. I wish you well-good luck!

No idea anymore how to support son with ADHD [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]]iibeingunreasonable/4292675-no-idea-anymore-how-to-support-son-with-adhd

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream - amazing, thanks so much for your thread, it's so helpful. I started reading it about 2 hours ago and got sidetracked looking at the recommendations and FB groups so that was great! I was looking for similar posts before I posted but didn't find yours.

Your DS circumstances sound very similar to mine, personality and reactions too. Also share similar reaction to the wearysome diagnosis and treatment process but we just did the early stages. I think I have ADHD too but not in a hurry to go for diagnosis after such a negative experience.

Just wondered if your DS tries to research help for himself - mine doesn't spend any time on this, but I'm trying to go on a journey with him so he can understand the condition. He's willing to do try things so that's a good thing.

I also feel completely lost in working out how to help him but I seem to have bookmarked practically every resource on the internet that I can find so just working my way through all the leads including the ones on your thread.

@Bythemillpond

I think dd especially focuses on the money. She was really upset recently that she was supposed to be managing the bars at a music event 3 days work, 14 hour days and £23 per hour plus her own parking space It got cancelled because of Covid. We do come up with business ideas mainly because no one would ever give us jobs.

It just goes to show how resourceful you all are as a family because you have found really good ideas. Survival techniques. The sound of those jobs would stress him out so he's very much at the start of his journey. He doesn't tell people about it, new employers or even friends he's known all his life. He doesn't think it matters but it explains a lot. He doesn't "own" it yet but I know these things take time.

@GetTaeFuck

Has he seen anyone about having his medication adjusted or swapped?

One of the key things with my ADHD is to reduce the amount of steps needed to complete a task. What tasks they are and how to reduce the steps will vary from person to person.

I bloody hate admitting this - but TikTok has some brilliant videos on ADHD Life Hacks.

@GetTaeFuck - thanks, that might be a good idea about the meds.

I think the next stop is the doctor anyway, but the red tape there is also hell. It takes 90 calls to get an appointment sometimes - not exaggerating, this happened once and all appointments were gone ofc, they don't have a call on hold system, you have to keep ringing when they open to get appts and is rare to get one.

I don't have a TikTok but I can look at links - can you send a few links that helped you specifically - thanks.

Cornetto99 Glad my thread is of some use. In answer to your question, no, my DS doesn't research much or try to help himself, one of the most frustrating aspects of all of this. He seems to be practically unable to tackle his difficulties himself, although after the gruelling CAMHS/diagnosis/treatment process (mind you that was mainly directed towards his OCD and anxiety) he is very defeatist and anti-treatment unfortunately.
But we do have him booked in with a well respected ADHD psychiatrist in September (long wait even privately!) for a fresh opinion so fingers crossed there.