No idea anymore how to support son with ADHD

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Might be long, sorry.
My 20 year old DS was sacked from his job of two months today, citing lack of attention to detail and untidiness. This was his third job in a year, after dropping out of uni before the end of his first year.

A few nights ago he had a complete meltdown at home as he feels he cannot cope with working 9-5 jobs due to his various issues with his fairly severe ADHD-he also has OCD and significant anxiety. He also has a weed habit (also very common with his types of issues) and is very upset and depressed that he can't seem to get control of that, and he spent over two hours in tears.

To rewind a bit- whilst I always suspected he had ADHD, it wasn't formally diagnosed until he was was diagnosed with OCD aged 16. He had private psychiatry and psychology treatment for his OCD whilst on a waiting list for CAMHS, and then some practically useless CBT with CAMHS, and then more private CBT, and then some NHS CBT. He is also under the local ADHD unit who don't seem to do anything but offer stimulants, which he can't tolerate, and has tried three different ones in varying strengths. He is on antidepressants for his OCD and anxiety, and has tried several, and has also tried anti-psychotic regimes in the past.

His OCD still causes him problems, and he felt therapy didnt work for him, so he is not really inclined to just keep having it. He had a lot of therapy. He feels very defeatist about treatment in general and I can't say I blame him-over the last four years I've had to battle to get him help and support and none of it has really helped him. He went all the way through school without a single teacher noticing he had ADHD. How is that?

I don't even know what I'm asking or what my AIBU is. I don't know what's next for him. He's actually bright, loving, caring, and sweet, but he can't hold down a job and he self-medicates with weed because of his issues. What on earth can I do to support him? We talk a lot, he knows he can always come to me- he knows my feelings about the weed- he should cut down/seek help to quit etc, but I feel like I'm his only source of support and it's not enough.

Is stimulant medication the only type of adhd medication he has tried?

www.google.com/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/non-stimulant-adhd-medication/amp/

I didn't want to read and run. It sounds like this is very hard on both of you.

I have a DP with ADHD. He was fired multiple times in his 20s and has almost no qualifications. One thing I'd mention is that your son is probably capable of work, he just hasn't found the right route for him yet.

My DP excels at sales roles, despite hating the work. There's something about the nature of the job that works well with the way his brain works. Maybe it is the fast paced, adrenaline rush of chasing commission and the lack of requirement to focus on complex things over time or organise anything, its just pick the phone up and sell, repeat. He also excels at anything that sparks his creative interests and gets hyper focused, he is capable of producing very intricate and well thought out content.

Your son is only young, he needs time to figure out what he wants to do in life. It must be very tough for him and I don't underestimate how much his confidence must have taken a battering.

My dh has adhd and his consultant told him anti depressants were one of the worse things for him to take.
Our gp had prescribed them and kept upping his dose until we finally cracked and sought a private adhd diagnosis.
His consultant said he's appalled at how many people with adhd are prescribed anti depressants, who put your son on them?

If you're near Liverpool, Ladders for Life is an excellent resource, they do a support group & a course (pre-covid). There are adult groups on Facebook too.

So hard working with adhd. Need the right environment, even then, very hard.

Drug use is very common. Try not to worry too much. Have a read of any book by Ned Hallowell, How to Adhd on YouTube & Faster than Normal, book & podcasts.

Would a part time job or uni course suit better? Did he get support at uni?

@Hankunamatata

Is stimulant medication the only type of adhd medication he has tried?

Yes, so far, thanks for the link

scared thank you

@brittleheadgirl

My dh has adhd and his consultant told him anti depressants were one of the worse things for him to take. Our gp had prescribed them and kept upping his dose until we finally cracked and sought a private adhd diagnosis. His consultant said he's appalled at how many people with adhd are prescribed anti depressants, who put your son on them?

Well his anti-depressants are technically for his OCD and anxiety, prescribed by psychiatrist, which they are helpful for, so it's a bit tricky really

@Wombat36

If you're near Liverpool, Ladders for Life is an excellent resource, they do a support group & a course (pre-covid). There are adult groups on Facebook too.

So hard working with adhd. Need the right environment, even then, very hard.

No, south east unfortunately

@Wombat36

Drug use is very common. Try not to worry too much. Have a read of any book by Ned Hallowell, How to Adhd on YouTube & Faster than Normal, book & podcasts.

Will get him to have a look at these, thank you so much

@dixiebloom

Would a part time job or uni course suit better? Did he get support at uni?

Maybe-he did get some support at uni, but again, only token support really

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream
Does his psychiatrist have a wealth of experience of diagnosis/management of adhd?
If not, I'd urgently seek a second opinion, dh was prescribed anti depressants for years and his adhd consultant/specialist was absolutely appalled.

I agree with previous posters. You could try a non stimulant medication. He's young yet he'll find his footing. How's his exercise and sleep atm? I find if they don't get enough of either it makes things 100x worse. Will be hard with his other issues though. Yous will get there 😊

[quote brittleheadgirl]@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream
Does his psychiatrist have a wealth of experience of diagnosis/management of adhd?
If not, I'd urgently seek a second opinion, dh was prescribed anti depressants for years and his adhd consultant/specialist was absolutely appalled.[/quote]
No, the psychiatrist didn't specifically specialise in ADHD. This is a good shout, I'll look into it-thanks so much

Both me and my daughter have adhd. I was only diagnosed last year at 36, but it explained a lot about my struggles with school and then employment.

From experience, when I'm really interested or invested in something I hyperfocus and can achieve loads and be very impressive at work. What I'd advise for your son is to try to find something he cares about passionately and then work to get an entry-level role in that field. That way, hopefully he'll be less likely to make careless mistakes etc.

There are also practicalities that he can put in place now to counteract his tendency to make errors, like proofing/checking each thing he does before moving on to the next thing. I find lists or to-do software very helpful - I have a checklist for each day of things I need to do, and it reminds me regularly so I can't forget on my laptop, phone and watch!! As long as I look at that list first thing, my day will go to plan and I won't miss anything important.

A lot of this comes with age and experience - I also was fired from several jobs in my early twenties for being late, not showing up for shifts, or just not getting enough done. It was horrible and did really knock my self esteem. But it also made me take responsibility and put systems in place to ensure it didn't keep happening, which was hard but entirely necessary.

To hopefully reassure you, I now have a well paid senior job in my chosen industry, and haven't been fired since I was 22 I'm seen as successful and well organised by my peers, which always freaks me out! I do take meds for my adhd when I have looming deadlines or days with back to back meetings just to help me focus, but I'm mostly unmedicated and manage life pretty well. There is hope, I promise!

www.ukaan.org/index.htm

Try get a referral to Philip Asherson at Kings college hospital. He is superb

I recommend homeopathy.

textbook that is really reassuring, thank you! And well done

@Stoolpigeon21

www.ukaan.org/index.htm

Try get a referral to Philip Asherson at Kings college hospital. He is superb

But how would one go about that? I spent two years battling with CAMHS to get him referred to the OCD unit at the Maudsley and had to give up before I had a nervous breakdown myself.

@DecorChange

I agree with previous posters. You could try a non stimulant medication. He's young yet he'll find his footing. How's his exercise and sleep atm? I find if they don't get enough of either it makes things 100x worse. Will be hard with his other issues though. Yous will get there 😊

Thank you- his sleep is ok I think, exercise not great, lots of people have told him to take regular exercise-to no avail.

Similar story to textbook

Diagnosed as a adult

Struggled with school, fired multiple time as a young adult , took drugs

To be honest my life changed for the better when I stopped taking weed around the age of 26 and took up running

It had a huge impact on my life

With regards to work , I had to find something I was interested in but also stopping drugs helped my find more focus

I also ended up with a very well paid engineering job it just took a lot longer to get there , no university...worked my way up then part time studying

So don't worry too much he will find his way, I agree he needs to see a private ADHD specialist and I would try encouraging him to stop weed and focus on sleep , diet and exercise it has a huge impact on ADHD

Thanks Indoctro, good advice. At the moment he relies so heavily on weed I can't see a way out of it and nor can he at the moment

Hugs for you both. He is young yet, he should not get discouraged. Our child also has ADHD and we've been told by psychologists to not expect a young person with ADHD to "launch" the same way as one who doesn't deal with that challenge. They need a lot of support to get settled into the work or college world. It's been suggested to us to have him approach college by starting with one or two courses per semester, if possible, and work up from there, at a pace that works for him. That way, they can hopefully get some successes rather than going for a full course load and failing.

I think you have to think in terms of life skills and getting confidence (by having small successes) rather than did he reach a particular milestone. Instead of thinking of something as a failure, incorporate the understanding that he might have to try several times before he masters a particular skill. On each attempt he should learn something that he can use for the next attempt.

If you're going to fail at things, the time to do so is when you're young and you don't have dependents. There are no guarantees in this life, but make the best choices you can under your personal circumstances, and respect yourself for doing so. Keep trying, try different things; that way you have the best chance of finding something you can do well; keep improving at the best rate you can manage; let yourself enjoy your successes, even if they don't feel like big successes.