Is my son better off without me?

[Lemons8519]

I've struggled with depression on and off for many years but I had been doing better. Since having my little boy just over a year ago things got bad again and I did some CBT last year for PND which I didn't really find to be of much help. I was in a very dark place during the second lockdown and eventually went to the GP and was prescribed antidepressants in March. I have felt better since but I often catch myself fantasising about taking my life. I think it's more of a way of coping and comfort than something I would do.
That said I have little enjoyment in my life and just go through the motions on a daily basis.
I'm worried about the affect having a mum like me is having on my son and now i'm wondering, almost panicking, about what would be best for him.. if I were to have the courage to take my own life whilst he's still young he wouldn't remember me, would that be better for him than me sticking around and being like this? I love him so much and would do anything for him but I just don't know what to do for the best for him and feels like an impossible situation

OP please get help. Speak to your GP again.
Your son loves you and your being depressed will not harm him, you have already sought treatment and are trying to get better.
A parent’s suicide will cause him much more hurt and damage, he will feel abandoned a and think his mum didn’t love him.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We really hope you're able to access the help you deserve quickly, OP. You sound like a lovely mum and we're sure your son's life is infinitely richer for having you in it.

No your son will not be better off without you. You are the centre of his world.

Nothing devastates a child's life like the suicide of a parent. It is felt as the ultimate rejection. They spend the rest of their lives feeling like it was their fault, that if only they'd been a better child the parent would have felt it was worth carrying on living. I beg you, for the sake of your child, keep getting help.

My thinking was that if I were to take my life then my husband could, in time, meet someone else who would make him much happier and she could become my son's new mummy and he would need never know about me. I realise that sounds a bit mad and actually quite sad.
Thank you for your comments. My depression has been going on for so long I just feel defeated and very alone. I do want to reach out to people but I just can't.
I have a medication review this week so I'll see what they say then

@Lemons8519 we're here to listen and chat. If you ever need to tell someone what's going on or need distracting then please post away! With time hopefully you can find groups in real life to support with too.

Can you tell us a little about your DS? How is his speech/feeding /potty training etc going? Is he a little character?
I bet he's doing fine and that will be thanks to you mum
You can get rid of these thoughts, it is a hard road but so many people will be with you

glad you’re here. Do keep talking.

OP your little boy loves you so much 💙💗. Stay strong. X

Speak out, ask for help, see if you can see gp earlier this week, your son is better with you, even if you don't feel that way atm. Sending love

There was a thread on MN a while ago in, I think, the bereavement section where people gave their experiences of being the child of a parent who had killed themselves. People were very honest and it was heartbreaking. When I feel the way you do - and I do - I try to read it again to focus on the fact that it's my brain tricking me into thinking DS would be better off without me

Oh OP it is so, so hard I have PND and felt exactly the same as you on several occasions.

I'm glad you're trying medication, I've been on and off ADs for 12 years now and the difference is amazing when I take them when I need them. I hope they help you. Please talk to your GP, or the Samaritans or similar helpline

Your son loves you and needs you

My df died when l was 4. I barely remember him.

But l think about him every single day, and wonder what he was like, and how different my life might have been if he had. He died 53 years ago. I never stop wondering and thinking.

Please don’t do it.

You're not well

You love your son but you're struggling, it's nothing to be ashamed of but if you feel like you're planning on harming yourself you must share this with someone.

Nobody will love your son like his mother.

Your husband will mourn your loss for the rest of his life.

They will miss you forever.

But they will want you to enjoy being with them, and I think it would be best if you shared these worries with your GP again.

There's more out there than CBT but you must be honest with the doctor about how you're feeling.

They won't take baby away from you and nobody will think you're a bad mum.

You're a good mum and a good person and you deserve to enjoy your life xx

Op please don't think that, he really isn't better off without you and it will affect him.

I've just watched a documentary about Joey Essex and how his mum taking her own life has affected his and still does

Hi @Lemons8519 how are you doing today?

Thank you everyone for your kind messages, I don't feel like I deserve them but I guess that's part of depression.
The last week has been particularly stressful and I've not felt like I've coped well. My husband is stressed too atm and with trying to look after my son and give time to our cats too, I just feel so overwhelmed and that everything is on me and I haven't time for anything and I can't see how this can improve.

@Thack I feel like my mood has leveled out a bit today and don't feel as bad as I did. Thank you for asking . My son recently turned 1 and has learnt to walk so loves running around everywhere and playing with anything that's not a toy! He's certainly a cheeky boy.

I had a phone appointment today for my medication review, it was a lot more detailed than I thought it would be. They might want to increase my medication as I have self harmed a bit but they are going to check on me again soon. They also want to refer me for counselling. I've had counselling before but not whilst I've been on medication so I think I will give it another try

You may well find that being on the medications helps you to be in a better place to focus on the counselling. It's certainly well worth giving it a try. Your lad sounds gorgeous. You are his world.

That's lovely to read 🤗you're on the right path. Please go easy on yourself - you don't need to be super mum. Ignore the cats, plonk DS in front of the telly from time to time....be kind to yourself, this child raising malarkey is hard work!

My DD is four months. I'm already dreading her running around! Any advice on childproofing the house is appreciated!
Gotta love a cheeky little chappy

Op I'm glad your feeling brighter today. I completely understand how your feeling, have felt the same as you, my DD is 2 now. It feels now like your in this forever and nothing will ever change. I promise you it changes and soon. DD just started saying she loves me and it's really helped. Honestly everything is a phase at his age and yes it's hard now but won't be forever. Your doing amazing 🤩 just reaching out is something to be proud of.

Things that helped me:
-make the living room/dinning room a "yes" space so he can use anything in that space. Everything unsafe is away nothing easy to climb. Gate off the kitchen or make it all baby proof. I put our cat in the kitchen and gated it. That way you can at least sit for a bit and not worry what he's up to.
-rotate toys every few days and put out things he hasn't seen in while for the morning, gave me chance to sit and have my coffee. Loads of account on insta for set ups and ideas.
-I brought a sensory box from eBay and at that age had it out every week. Great distraction.
-This is important give yourself 2-4 hours a week. Go do something for YOU! Go out and have coffee, read a book under a tree. Not the food shop or more t-shirts for DS. Be strict with yourself, this time is for me only and I'll not be sidetracked. Let dad no that this is for your health.
-Find something to look forward to, big holiday next year, airb&b getaway or a nice day out planned in a few weeks.

I'll be thinking of you, 🙂 (not in a weird way 😆)

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, I'm very touched that people have taken the time to comment, I wasn't really expecting it.

@redfoxred thank you for your suggestions, I had tried some similar things already but he still gets bored quickly and despite only being 1 is already testing boundaries! I had tried to implement the me-time but like you say I will need to be strict with myself.

I had an assessment over the phone today for talking therapies, I had been feeling better these last few days and went in to it feeling bad that I may be wasting their time but I actually got quite emotional at some of the questions so I think I do still need some help

I've kept you on my watch list, so happy to read your update!
I hope this is the start of something good. Keep seeking help, different methods might suit you better.

@Lemons8519 I appreciate this is an old threat. But if you're still on Mumsnet, I'd love to know how you're getting on now.

I'm at my lowest and your thread popped up on a Google search.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Whatever you are going through, there is a way through this.

Please remember taking your own life is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling. Even on this short thread you can see she started to feel more positive once she started to take action to get better.

Please speak to someone in real life. You can get through this.

Thanks, @pinkfondu.

Hi @blackslab I'm still on mumsnet.

My ds is 3 now and tbh I still struggle with being a mum and having these horrible thoughts but for slightly different reasons. I'm still on medication and following a really rough patch a few months ago I'm now on the list awaiting counselling. That said I have been feeling much better this last month, I think that may be down to exercise and weight loss.

Sorry to hear your having a difficult time right now. Did you want to talk about what's going on? Happy if you wanted to pm me instead x