I think I'm beginning to have suicidal thoughts.

[10cmDeTi]

I'm really struggling to find reasons to go on. I have no friends and family and struggle to meet people. An eating disorder that I don't feel I can control at the moment and means my BMI has crept up to over 53.

For the last two years I've been in a relationship, we haven't been able to see each other that often because of Covid. He is classed as very vulnerable and my job means I'm in contact with new people every day, so it's only recently that we've been able to see each other in person with any frequency. He has been told this week that he is unlikely to live longer than a year or two. I'm completely in love with him and he does care deeply for me too but he feels that he doesn't want to continue our relationship and progress to moving in together etc. He has a young daughter and wants to spend the little time he has left focusing on her, he also doesn't want for me to have to become his carer and watch his decline.

I understand why he has made this decision but I'm absolutely devastated, I just want to spend the time he has left with him as much as possible, but I know he's not going to change his mind.

I'm also worried about my future financially, I don't have any debts but I'm almost 38 and not on the property ladder and don't have any savings really. I live in a fairly awful rented flat and desperately want to live somewhere else.

It really feels I have nothing to live for

So sorry to hear you feel this way.
One piece of advice I can give is don’t invest all your happiness into something that can be taken away, eg relationship, items, homes.
Think about what brings you happiness, hobbies for example, gardening, fitness classes, bingo, learning new skills.
Spend your time doing these things and you will feel much happier.
Also set a routine, have a pamper once a week it’s amazing how much better you feel after some tlc xx good luck

I agree with looking at small ways to build up pleasurable experiences in your life. Your post made me wonder what relationships (beyond your ex) were important?

I have always found hobby groups to be a good way of meeting new friends.

I think you should see your GP as well.

Oh OP, it must have been really tough to hear that from him. And when one part of your life goes wobbly it is really easy for thoes feelings to slip over into other areas and then you end up feeling sad about everything. I used to struggle with suicidal thoughts years ago, I am now so so pleased that they never progressed to action.

I wanted to add that having no debt at 38 is a really good position to be in but I understand that everything feels bleak right now.

The samaritans are on 116123 if you are in the UK.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it feels like all you can do is put one foot in front of the other.

Hi 10cmDeTi,

We're really sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're already getting some good support from other Mumsnetters but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which can give you some help in real life.

Here's a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], or call them, free of charge, any time on 116 123.

The NHS website has some useful resources too - NHS: help for suicidal thoughts and Mind has some information on Mind: Taking care of your mental health during Coronavirus. Please click on the links to see what help is available.

We're going to move your thread over to our Mental Health topic, just because it's a more sensitive place for your thread.

Sending good wishes from all at MNHQ. We really hope you're okay. .

Thank you all for your comments, I think I do need to make an appointment with my GP, I also should probably bsee if I can afford to see a therapist privately.

I would like to have more hobbies and interests, I've tried quite a few things in the past but haven't found anything that truly sparks my interest. There must be something though.

I've made friends in previous jobs and at university but I've moved around a lot and lost touch with people. I am in the UK now but grew up and did my degree in another country. One of the things that has stopped me from staying in touch with people is my increasing weight, I've felt ashamed for them to see me.

Hi @10cmDeTi I hope you are ok. I have no magic words other than to say I once was in the darkest place where I honestly didn’t see a future, I wanted to die, I have never known sadness like it, it was all consuming and terrifying. I still feel scared of it ever happening again. It was awful.

I carried on, as best I could. Which was often just trying to eat in a day. Couldn’t face washing etc. Bit by bit I reminded myself that I was worth more care than this and slowly I got better. I don’t really know how I managed it when I think back. I genuinely never believed I would laugh again, let alone feel the sadness fade.

But it did. I have cried laughing since. I’m not fully ok mental health wise and maybe never will be but I have had many happy times since that darkness. Truly happy times where my heart has felt alive again and content.

Please hold on. Find all the resources you can through your GP but remember that it starts and ends with you caring for yourself in any small way. Do one small thing that is kind to yourself today.

Have you looked up specialist eating disorder clinics? Or therapists that focus on it? With regards to hobbies. Like you, I used to think that I needed to find something that was just right, something the filled me with joy but realized it wasn't realistic for me. I now do things that mildly interest me instead. It occupies my mind, gets me out of the hosue and gives me something new to think and talk about.