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Mental health

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Original poster

How to help DH with his post natal depression?

31 replies

PennyDreadful66 · 31/05/2021 16:43

Hello,

I really need some help, I had a baby in January, my dad died in march, I'm having to care for my mum as she has learning difficulties, I've had to stop studying at university as the pressure was too much and I'm not feeling the best but I'm managing to get on with it and care for my baby as well I'm his mum and he needs me. My DH isn't coping too well, he has bad mood swings and I've had to have a word with him about having patience with the baby and not to be so rough with him etc etc he's told me today that he doesn't really see the baby as anything other than a baby and he only looks after him because he has to and really wishes we didn't have him, this has obviously broke my heart and will everything else going on feels like the last straw for me but I know I need to carry on for the baby but I know my husband needs help, we can't afford private, would the NHS mental health services be the best option or is there any good charities anyone can recommend?

OP posts:

Original poster

PennyDreadful66 · 31/05/2021 17:39

Hopeful bump

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 17:40

What was he like before you had your baby?

Bagelsandbrie · 31/05/2021 17:42

If he’s being rough with the baby the baby shouldn’t be left with him. I’d say the same thing if it was the mum being depressed and being rough. Speak to your health visitor and explain what’s going on and ask for support. It’s hard to work out whether he’s truly depressed or whether he’s just a terrible dad from what you’ve written. How is he behaving in other aspects of his life?

Original poster

PennyDreadful66 · 31/05/2021 17:43

@CandyLeBonBon

What was he like before you had your baby?

He was great before we had the baby, we had a nice relationship, no major issues, travelled a lot etc we were together five years before the baby was born so it wasn't a case of having a baby with someone I barely knew and honestly he wanted the baby but I guess he wanted the thought of a baby not an actual baby.

OP posts:

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 31/05/2021 17:44

Depression can hit at any time and a new baby is stressful for everyone.
He needs to speak to his GP. Maybe medication is an answer, or mindfulness or talking but he needs to speak to his GP.

You have a massive amount going on in your own life, and I think you need to tell him that he must take action because you cannot do this alone. He needs to take steps now.

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2021 17:46

Tell him to see his GP. Depression can strike anyone at any time - he may benefit from a course of ADs in the short term.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2021 17:46

Why do you think it’s postnatal depression? And what do you mean by being rough with the baby?

Original poster

PennyDreadful66 · 31/05/2021 17:49

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why do you think it’s postnatal depression? And what do you mean by being rough with the baby?

I guess because it happened after the baby was born so I just put them together, that's wrong I know I'm not a doctor but it seems similar to PND, he's just a bit rough dressing and undressing him, he doesn't hurt him or anything, I don't think he would hurt him purposely.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 31/05/2021 17:51

Better you than me!

You carried a baby
You birthed a baby
You've lost you dad
You're looking after your mum
You've had to to a break from your degree

And HE is moody?
Rough with the baby?

He told you he wishes you hadn't had the baby

And you are looking for a help for him?

I'm not sure I can help you, I'd be telling him to grow the fuck and fast. With a few home truths that it's not all about him.

You poor thing 💕

Doyoumind · 31/05/2021 17:56

Whilst I understand that men can be affected by depression when a child arrives, it's not PND. You gave birth. Only you can have PND.

You have a lot on your plate and the one thing your DH can do is get help with his issues rather than adding to your own worries, otherwise he will bring you down with him. The first port of call is the GP and possibly medication.

Missillusioned · 31/05/2021 18:01

My ex was like this. I now think he wasn't depressed at all. He seemed to go off me after the baby was born and felt trapped I think even though it was him who wanted the baby.

Ultimately our marriage did not survive, although it took a few years before it totally broke down. He never returned to the man I married.

Embracelife · 31/05/2021 18:02

He has to want to seek help himself.
Therapy won't work if he won't engage.
You can push it by making it clear
He goes to gp for help
Or he leaves
You can not be watching his every move with baby

Januaryblue2020 · 31/05/2021 18:04

Hi OP, my sympathies it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you sound a kind and empathetic partner too.
There are organisations that can help your husband. Depression isnt laziness, and chances are, you partner is feeling pretty shit about himself already so (unlike other posters) it probably won't be that helpful to kick him while he's down (not that you were suggesting that!)
But the best thing your husband can do is get help, so that he can enjoy parenthood and also support you. Any GP worth their salt should know that depression can hit new dads as easily as new mums. Yes, they haven't had the physical change, but they have all the other changes and depression isn't picky- it'll go for anyone.
So the GP is first port of call. There is also a group called 'dads matter' I think- I've seen them.on twitter so they might be able to help.
Lots of areas have support groups for new dads suffering from MH issues, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
And, importantly, you need support for you too. You have so much on your plate, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. How is your HV? Could you talk to her? Do you have friends or other relatives who could come over and give you a break? Also the charity home start is supposed to be amazing in this kind of situation- maybe give them a google.
Best of luck, and don't listen to people saying that you're husband needs to 'pull himself together'. Its probably not going to help anyone. You need to help him to access the help he needs, but also make sure you are looked after x

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 31/05/2021 18:05

I suggest you tell him to leave until he's sought help. Whether he's depressed or not (not PND) he's not safe to be around the baby on his own and he's dragging you down when you need support. Selfish twat.

EL8888 · 31/05/2021 18:07

@AlmostSummer21 err yeah this. Does he have form for everything having to be about him? I know it’s not a competition but it seems like you have a lot more going on

Thefaceofboe · 31/05/2021 18:18

Does he have form for everything having to be about him?

I’m not sure that’s how depression works

andivfmakes3 · 31/05/2021 18:20

Sorry but with everything going on that you have to deal with i'd be pissed at his quite frankly selfish and attention seeking behaviour. I'd be telling him to put his big boy pants on or fuck off

raffle · 31/05/2021 18:20

Can you access any support for your Mum? Maybe ask for an assessment from Social Services learning disabilities team. Sounds so hard, hope things get easier for you.

miltonj · 31/05/2021 18:22

Look at how strong and resilient you are! You been through so much and had to give so much up too. I would focus on you and your baby. He'll join you if he wants.

PixieDust28 · 31/05/2021 18:26

Can you fully trust him with your baby?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 31/05/2021 18:27

@Thefaceofboe

Does he have form for everything having to be about him?

I’m not sure that’s how depression works

She doesn't actually know if he's depressed

EL8888 · 31/05/2021 18:30

@Thefaceofboe like l said, it’s not a completion and the poster seems to have way more going on than him. As someone who has lost a parent, caring for another parent, been pregnant, given birth, had a baby and pull university on hold. Versus my Mrs just had a baby . I’m not disputing he’s not depressed

borntobequiet · 31/05/2021 18:34

You sound lovely, resilient and thoughtful as well.
Men can become depressed or suffer other disturbances of mood after they become fathers, but it’s not PND, it’s a reaction to the change in their status. Only mothers get PND.
Your husband needs professional help, which he should be able to access through the GP. If he’s clumsy with the baby, hopefully he will become less so with practice.

Dyrne · 31/05/2021 18:41

Your husband needs to speak to his GP urgently. Do not self diagnose and then assume all the responsibility for managing his mood swings and volatility.

He may be depressed, but that is something that a trained professional should diagnose and treat. There are support charities out there as well; but he needs to be the one engaging with them - do not take all the burden on yourself.

Mind and CALM are good places to go (but in conjunction with his GP) - CALM is specifically male mental health.

www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool
www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/

zaffa · 31/05/2021 18:41

@andivfmakes3

Sorry but with everything going on that you have to deal with i'd be pissed at his quite frankly selfish and attention seeking behaviour. I'd be telling him to put his big boy pants on or fuck off

Wow - the attitude towards mental health and depression on this post is pretty shocking. It's not a choice to be depressed, you know ....

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