Struggling with self hatred

[Sarah62]

Really struggling with feelings of self hatred at the minute. Has anyone else experienced this? OH is supportive and has asked what he/we can to do help but I’m not sure what would help.

I’ve been thinking about triggers to these feelings and it’s often feelings of failure or anything where I have to focus on myself. To avoid these feelings I used to work excessive hours (because I felt I was failing in my job) but gave up my career to be SAHM just before covid so spending every waking hour with the kids during lockdown replaced this. I feel like a pretty rubbish SAHM to be honest.

I am filled with self hatred and like a failure - no career, house a mess, ugly, overweight, few friends.

I can’t face the things that typically are suggested to help mental health eg exercise - the thought of going to buy gym clothes or going to the gym makes me feel ill. I can’t bear to go swimming as I look and feel awful. (I was actually glad our summer holiday was cancelled due to covid because I wouldn’t have to be wear a swimming costume). I’m a size 10/12 but very wobbly after having kids.

Other triggers are spending time on my own, clothes shopping, going for a walk on my own. The warmer weather is a big trigger, the thought of having to take off coats and jumpers etc.

I have one day a week of free time where all the kids are at school/nursery and I struggle to know what to do with this time. I don’t really know what or how to start a new hobby. I try and clean the house but it’s a mess again the next day.

Not sure all this makes sense. Just feeling totally lost and alone. How can I get over these feelings because I feel awful and really like I’m letting my kids and OH down.

What kind of things can I do to help? Have you found self help to be enough? What else could I do?

I’ve just been for a walk but struggling, felt very uncomfortable, head full of horrible thoughts. My OH says exercise will help and I just need to get over these feelings but how?? I really struggle on days I’m on my own as there’s no distraction and no little people to focus on etc

Hi op. Sorry to hear you're going through this. There are some YouTube videos by fantastic psychologists and I find they really help, plus self help books and gardening. Gardening is exercise and you can be creative. Good luck

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Do you have any suggestions for the YouTube videos or books please? Thanks

I read a book called something like the brilliant book on positive thinking a few years ago, but you might be better with one that is more focused on self image? If I were you I'd just search Amazon for something like that and only get one with great reviews. I can't remember what you tube psychologists specifically but if you put key search terms in loads will come up and just find some that resonate with you. I think the YouTube videos are really great and would definitely recommend. They've helped me get a lot straight in my head and a lot of things into perspective. Also what about an online course to occupy you and give you a sense of accomplishment? I get that from planting flowers, a friend did an online macrame course x

Thank you I’ll have a look

Good place to start - Brene Brown

Sometimes it's good to write down how you're feeling especially if you are overwhelmed with lots going on in your head. It can help you be more objective about your feelings.

Thank you I’ll have a watch

Hi OP. I can sympathise as I have very similar feelings of failure and self-loathing. It is very hard to be proactive when you just want to hide away.

I finally took the step to talk to my gp about two months ago and started on Sertraline, which has helped - however this might not be for you.

I find daily routines and habits help me - I have tried to automate a lot of tasks. Knowing I have set days/times to do specific things helps me manage my time a lot better and feel more in control of my life. I read a book called Atomic Habits by James Clear, which is very useful. I am also listening to an audio book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F, which is full of common sense!

As other people have said, YouTube is very good for helpful videos.

Sorry to hear you feel the same way it’s just horrible. Thank you for the suggestions I think I’m also similar in that routine helps I have lots of routine on days I’m with my kids but struggle when I’m on my own I feel totally lost. I think when I’m having a good day I’ll try and come up with a plan for the bad/alone days and see if that helps. I will look up your book suggestions thank you.

A routine might be good for your days off too!

I read that you only have a finite amount of will power (have also watched some videos on this on YouTube ). It makes sense to prioritise the things that you really want to do/are most important. I often find that after I have done a load of minor chores I have no energy or time left for the stuff I really needed to do. I'm trying to be a bit clearer with myself about what my priorities are.

Good luck

Hi op
Stick with the waking.
Even 20 minutes a day - that will start to tighten up the wobbly bits.
Forget gyms and swimming.
Try Julia Kristina on you tube.
Get a gratitude journal and start writing down 5 things a day you appreciate- my wonderful children, supportive partner etc.
Drinking plenty of water and get out in the fresh air - gardening I've found good as I've got older

Also check what you're eating.
Are you getting enough protein?
Try and keep off white starchy stuff, lots of High sugar stuff and alcohol.
CBT I found a useful tool.
One exercise I found useful was to write down anything positive that people said about you, and reread every day.
Try and focus good stuff.
We can all be our own worse critic but try and treat yourself like a good friend.
Would you speak to a friend like you speak to yourself?
No, so try talking to yourself the way you would a good friend.
I like to start the day looking in the mirror with 'hello beautiful!'
Sound way out there but what's to lose?
Criticising yourself hasn't helped.

Thank you, I’ll definitely look up the YouTube link. I think you’re right I do need to follow the suggestions about being kinder to myself, it’s easier to see that on a good day but hard to follow on a bad day. I’ll keep trying thank you

Be your own mother. I don’t mean like your actual mother but treat yourself as you’d like to or do treat your children. So you want what’s best for them- and you act in ways to achieve that. If your child said “I’m a failure” “I’m ugly” what would your response be? You need to try responding to yourself in that way... and renew your inner voice into a nurturing and caring one.
I suspect your inner voice is very critical and is possibly an echo of someone else who was very critical in your life- I may be wrong. But that doesn’t have to be YOUR inner voice. You are your children’s role model and how you feel about yourself can and will impact them. Do extend your kindness and care to yourself- it will feel alien at first but ride it out. Read or watch Brene Brown stuff, write in a journal, get some self care things lined up that you enjoy but start treating yourself with the kindness you show others. You are worth it and you will believe that one day. And that can start now. Today.

Absolutely agree with the point above I’m really scared about my impact on the children I don’t want this for them and I worry it may be too late and it’s impacted on them already. You’re right in thinking this has largely come from my own parents (i think) and probably being bullied as a child. I don’t know to how get out of this cycle

Would you try therapy? Sounds like you are ready to address all the thoughts and find their origins, if you are prepared to look at things head on with a therapist you may then change things radically for your kids. Good luck OP!

@Leafy12

Would you try therapy? Sounds like you are ready to address all the thoughts and find their origins, if you are prepared to look at things head on with a therapist you may then change things radically for your kids. Good luck OP!

In the past I had 4 or 5 sessions of therapy for PND on the NHSbut didn’t feel I made much progress (then the therapist went off Ill and I heard no more) I’d be willing to try again but not sure where I should start to look, guessing NHS will be overwhelmed with covid delays etc.

Argh, I really feel this is impacting the kids and my relationship with OH. He says I am always very negative (true) about everything, I’m always preparing the kids for something not to happen or things to go wrong.

Like this morning replaying conversations I had with friends - I can’t think of many positive things I said, no wonder people don’t tend to want to be around me. I should have said how lovely it was to be having s coffee inside rather than argh the service is a bit slow today and wonder when the baby will start crying etc, bleurgh! My Dad does this all the time, we are visiting soon after not seeing grandkids for a year, and instead of saying wow I’m looking forward to that he said oh I’ve heard that’s not a good place to go we can go but I don’t think it’s going to be very good.

Argh!! This makes me want to stay home and not talk to people if I’m just spouting negative things

Sorry for the rant

That sounds hard. You're just a person, you need to learn to be kind to yourself. Find a therapist and be prepared to go for an extended period but it will be worth it.

You might like a mindfulness course that will help you to calm your mind a bit. Also self help books - whether or not they actually help, they give you hope.

A little (achievable) checklist for the day can also be good. Eg get kids off to school, half hour walk, eat healthy food, get to bed on time.

My mindfulness course taught me that the brain has neutral pathways that are a bit like a road network. When you go over and over the 'I'm a failure' route it embeds it more in your mind. If you can start to notice those negative thoughts and nudge yourself onto others then you start to rebuild a nicer network in your head.

Also the book feel the fear and do it anyway.

Your brain might think it's protecting you by going over negative possibilities. That way you'll never be disappointed or caught unawares, right? It doesn't work like that. It sends your brain a signal that you're under attack, which triggers stress response. You need to believe you're a capable person worthy of good things.

@Isadora2007

Be your own mother. I don’t mean like your actual mother but treat yourself as you’d like to or do treat your children. So you want what’s best for them- and you act in ways to achieve that. If your child said “I’m a failure” “I’m ugly” what would your response be? You need to try responding to yourself in that way... and renew your inner voice into a nurturing and caring one. I suspect your inner voice is very critical and is possibly an echo of someone else who was very critical in your life- I may be wrong. But that doesn’t have to be YOUR inner voice. You are your children’s role model and how you feel about yourself can and will impact them. Do extend your kindness and care to yourself- it will feel alien at first but ride it out. Read or watch Brene Brown stuff, write in a journal, get some self care things lined up that you enjoy but start treating yourself with the kindness you show others. You are worth it and you will believe that one day. And that can start now. Today.

I could be the OP. Your reply has me sobbing onto my keyboard.

I was going to post on my friendship group today asking if anyone knew how to go about finding oneself, when you feel lost. I am too scared to reach out. If they are kind to me, which they will be, I'll just breakdown in tears.

Sarah62 thank you for posting this thread, and thank you everyone for replying.

I find myself at the bottom of my so called to do list every day. All the things that matter to me I have let go, especially myself. Today has been a extremely hard for some reason. I have no idea how to start, but will have a look on youtube rather than plug the iron in this afternoon.

@LuckyLuckyWoman

Sarah62 thank you for posting this thread, and thank you everyone for replying.

I find myself at the bottom of my so called to do list every day. All the things that matter to me I have let go, especially myself. Today has been a extremely hard for some reason. I have no idea how to start, but will have a look on youtube rather than plug the iron in this afternoon.

So sorry you feel like this, talk to your friends it sounds like they would support you x

@Crowsaregreat

Also the book feel the fear and do it anyway.

Your brain might think it's protecting you by going over negative possibilities. That way you'll never be disappointed or caught unawares, right? It doesn't work like that. It sends your brain a signal that you're under attack, which triggers stress response. You need to believe you're a capable person worthy of good things.

That’s exactly how I was taught to think ‘don’t try anything and then you’ll never be disappointed’ it was a genuine revelation to me in my teenage years to meet someone who didn’t think this way

Get some entertaining audiobooks such as romance or light mystery to listen while you walk or do housework, instead of being alone with negative thoughts.