Is anybody awake? i need to talk

[notmyselfnow]

lying her next to my beautiful ds (16 mths), watching him sleep listening to him breath, his exceptionally soft skin and beautiful blond hair, he is perfect, my whole world right here beside me, yet i am sobbing uncontrolably at the thought he would ever loose me to some illness, and in my head im planning what would happen to him, who he would live with? xp?(who cant look after himself let alone a child) my parents? (who would have to give up work) xp parents, but then he might loose contact with my family

Its madness i know, but there is a reason for this, you see for the past 15 yrs i have been making myself sick in order to control my weight, and lately it has got worse, and i cant seem to stop (other times in my life i have stopped, but always gone back to it) and i dont know what damage i have done to my body in this time

this is the first time i have ever admited this to anyone, to those who know me im a strong, successfull woman, but i have been hiding this for years.

Why am i telling this now? i dont know, i know lately i have been depressed, i dont want to go to work i called in sick last week and sat and cried everyday, yet i dont know why im depressed. the last 2 yrs have been stressful emotionally, i got pregnant to a friend after a brief fling and when i told him the news he freaked out and didnt contact me until ds was 3 mths old, so i went through my pregnancy alone, putting on a brave face, when inside i was crushed. I love my ds so much and feel like such a bad mummy because of what im doing to myself, he deserves a heathy mummy who will watch him grow up

I can't offer any really advice, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Do you think it might help you to tell your GP or family about this?

Hi, my friend and i were just talking about strong, successful people who are really suffering. i'm not the best person to give advice but you will have to see someone. it will help you get a plan together. You are talking like you're really sick, sounds trivial but can you just ask your mum to stay with you for a week or you stay with her? My friend who has sufferred depression said that her mum 'mothering' her really helped bring her back to that safe feeling of being a kid. don't know what your situation is though. There's also the hairband on the wrist to snap when you have a negative thought. It really is used, i know someone whose psychiatrist told her to use it and she had really bad depression (she received other help as well). Basically get help.

i know i need to go and see my doctor but am frightened, im depressed and i need help with this but i have issues with showing my emotions, i only ever cry in private and i know i wont sit in front of my gp and burst into tears and feel unless i do, i wont be taken seriously

i cant tell my family im so ashamed of this

im not close to my mum in that way, she was never a mothering type, i know she loves me but there has always been a distance between us

i worried about my job too, i havent any motivation to do it anymore, i used to really enjoy it but now i just avoid doing any work and make myself look busy, someone is bound to notice soon, i cant loose my job.

Oh dear

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I went through a very similar time when my DS was about the same age as yours. The previous 2 yrs had been horribly stressful for me, for many reasons. The outcome of it was not pretty.

I was eventually diagnosed, given medication and therapy - and it helped. But it was a long process. I really think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your GP. You're right - your DS deserves a healthy mummy - you are obviously doing wonderfully. The hardest thing can be admitting you need help and it looks like you have done that by starting this thread.

Being a singly mum is a very hard job. Doing it with depression & eating disorders is almost impossible at times.

You don't have to cope with this by yourself - there are people who can help. Do you have any support in RL?

My DS is 2 now and things are so much better than they were a few months ago. I'm not cured but am more in control - you can get there too.

Keep posting on here.

Big {{hugs}} to you both.

(You can email me if you like - nameless again at gmail dot com (no gaps obviously)

It's hard to enjoy your job when you are depressed, no matter how much you loved it before.

FWIW, when I went to my GP, I felt the same. I ended up writing a list of what I felt was wrong and read it out. I even explained that I didn't really have any emotions but cried a lot when I was alone. If you have a good GP, they will understand.

thankyou littlemiss i dont have anyone in rl i can tell, i know they would be shocked and i cant deal with having to explain myself, plus i so ashmed, i feel like im two differnt people sometimes.

I honestly think you have to speak about this to someone. This is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I understand it is hard. The doctor will take you seriously, you don't have to start crying in front of them. How about your health visitor? Will she be easier for you to talk to? A sibling? Even a friend?

You have made a big move by sharing this with us here & by admitting to yourself that this isn't good.

the doctor will take you very seriously. be very straight forward, i look like i'm in control but etc. it doesn't have to be your mum that nurtures you, gran, aunt, nice neighbour

my experience is people want to help but are waiting to be asked

I did the same thing for months - I pretended I was ok. When it all came out that I was really not coping at all, people were very shocked. I still do it to a certain extent but I know the danger of it - if I pretend to everyone else, I sort of believe it myself when I really shouldn't. I know how important it is that I ask for help.

If you don't have RL support, please keep talking on here. And do talk to a dr. They can help. You have expressed yourself very clearly on here.

DO you know if any MNers live near you? Maybe someone could help - give you a bit of company & support?

i cant talk to my parents because my older brother have just split up from his wive and is having a very hard time dealing with it, my dad is supporting him emotionally as he keeps having outburts, and my younger brother has just admited he has a drug addiction, so i cant tell them this now, my dad hugged me the other day as if to say 'my only sane child, the one who doesnt give us problems'

my friends are all busy with their own lives, im sure they would be sympathetic but then, but dont know if i want to tell them

im quite new to MN, so dont know anyone near me

I totally understand, notmyself. I never wanted to burden anyone with my problems either.

Does your DS go to a childminder/ nursery? Are you still doing that on the days you don't go to work? Are you sleeping properly?

Can anyone at work help you out?

I wish I could be more help - I know how hard it is but I am not sure what I can do. Other than listen...

Also, I'm on msn if you ever want to chat on there.

yes he goes to nursery and i still take him when im not working, im not sleeping, im in work in the morning and should be asleep but cant stop crying

its works laptop so dont have msn but thanks for the offer, i should probably just go and see my gp in the morning but feel guilty for not going to work

thanks for your advice littlemiss im going to try and get some sleep. thankyou.

Hi,
I can see where you are coming from with regards to your family, but keeping it all to yourself to preserve their sanity is not going to help you and your DS.
You DESERVE attention because you are going through a really hard time.
However hard it is for you to let go with regards to your emotions you must understand that YOU CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING AND ITS OK, we are only human.

Maybe it would be easier to find a support group for your eating disorder. Talking to strangers is often easier than talking to close family members and ffriends because the whole guilt//shame thing won't hit so hard?
Please do talk to your GP or the nurses in the surgery and get into the dynamics of a support group ASAP.

There will never be a good time to talk to family. I'm also a middle child with very similar situation and I understand your feelings (refering to your perception that you are the only "normal child" and don't want to disappoint)
This is so unfair and you should put your foot down. Let your siblings know they are not the centre of the universe, and you need they support right now.

XXX

ok goodnight.

Let us know how you get on.

And be kind to yourself. It's not easy when you're struggling. Things will get better.

x

hi, i went to my gp this morning and she said i am suffering from anxiety, shes put me on a tablet called citalopram, booked me an appointment with a councillor and signed me off work for two weeks. I dont feel any better today still keep crying, she thinks its been triggered by my little boy being ill in hospital recently. i and spoke about how i am terriffied something bad is going to happen to him which i fogot to mention on here. i didnt mention the extent of my eating disorder, but i did tell her i have been binging and being sick lately but didnt mention this has happened before. It was all just to much to blurt out in one go iyswim, and i will talk to the councillor about it and hope i cant get it under control.

sorry that should be 'bingeing' and 'CAN get it under control' thanks for you advice hopefully thinks will get better from here.