Is anybody awake? i need to talk

[notmyselfnow]

lying her next to my beautiful ds (16 mths), watching him sleep listening to him breath, his exceptionally soft skin and beautiful blond hair, he is perfect, my whole world right here beside me, yet i am sobbing uncontrolably at the thought he would ever loose me to some illness, and in my head im planning what would happen to him, who he would live with? xp?(who cant look after himself let alone a child) my parents? (who would have to give up work) xp parents, but then he might loose contact with my family

Its madness i know, but there is a reason for this, you see for the past 15 yrs i have been making myself sick in order to control my weight, and lately it has got worse, and i cant seem to stop (other times in my life i have stopped, but always gone back to it) and i dont know what damage i have done to my body in this time

this is the first time i have ever admited this to anyone, to those who know me im a strong, successfull woman, but i have been hiding this for years.

Why am i telling this now? i dont know, i know lately i have been depressed, i dont want to go to work i called in sick last week and sat and cried everyday, yet i dont know why im depressed. the last 2 yrs have been stressful emotionally, i got pregnant to a friend after a brief fling and when i told him the news he freaked out and didnt contact me until ds was 3 mths old, so i went through my pregnancy alone, putting on a brave face, when inside i was crushed. I love my ds so much and feel like such a bad mummy because of what im doing to myself, he deserves a heathy mummy who will watch him grow up

Just seen this notmyselfnow and wanted to say well done to you for posting last night and for getting to your GP today.

You have taken the first important steps in a) admitting you have a problem, and b) asking for help.

I have suffered from depression in the past and from pnd too and I know just how hard those first two steps are. The citalopram will take a couple of weeks to kick in and you may even feel worse for a while, before it helps. However, there are lots of other MNers who have taken it and who will advise you on it, if you need to post. And if it doesn't help in two weeks, don't be afraid to go back and ask for a stronger dose. Getting the dosage right first time can be a bit hit and miss.

In the meantime, do keep on posting on MN. It is lifesaver.

(Incidentally, I too protected my parents for as long as I could from my depression, but in the end I had to say something as I couldn't hide it anymore. They coped amazingly well. You may be surprised at yours too. But until then, MN is here and it is good to keep talking.)

Your ds sounds delicious by the way. I think that it is quite normal, and sensible, to worry about him and about yourself too, now that you are a Mummy. But depression intensifies those worries, until they are too big to deal with. The medication and counselling should help you to get them back into manageable proportions, so that you can concentrate on getting well and enjoying your lovely little boy.

thankyou notquitegrownup, i will keep posting and your right, MN is a godsend for this type of stuff

Hey,

There are a lot of people on citalopram here, so don't hesitate to look for threads if you want more info. You'll find a lot of people with a variety of problems. The common factor is that sometimes we need help and this forum is great to help you see you are not alone and you'll get encouragemeent to seek help.

Well done for talking to your GP without delay. It must have been very stressfull being in hospital with your little one, especially with not much support from family/partner/friends. You might be undergoing a bit of a post traumatic stress because of that ( I'm no qualified therapist, it's just a guess).
Please talk to your family and friends. I'm very private and often I realised that they could not possibly guess I was at the edge because I would not allow them to see.
I'm sure you'd find at least some support if you did ask.

As for morbid ideas, I think we all go through stage of having them. It's just that if these images become crippling, you need all the help you can get to regain some perspective. That's exactly what the medicine and counselling are here for. So once again, well done, you are on the right track.

Take care. Go out. Treat yourself and DS to a day out. Get some pampering while he's in daycare and cuddle up to read stories in the evening.
Soon he'll be 2, and 3 and 4 etc.... and turn into a little devil, so enjoy!

thankyou slim22 you made me cry again, not in a bad way, just because your message was so nice and its a relief to know im not alone.

Just want to say I think you are being very brave and hope you start feeling better soon.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Just wanted to say you are not alone. I look back at some of the things I have done pre motherhood and cringe at how they could have affected me now, when there are two little people in the world who need me so much. I am sure everything will be fine. You are being very brave and responsible. We all fear for our children at times, all you can do is your best.Good luck with everythingxxxxxxx

Hello notmyselfnow, had to post a message, I hope just going to see you GP has made you feel a little better. Just remember if you are not sleeping that will make even he slightest little problem seem like the end of the world. I don't have the same problems as you, I am not a single Mum and everything in my life is ggod butI still feel really sad at the moment, I tend to have a glass or 10 of wine at the weekend which at the time makes me feel better but now I am on a completeand utter downer with myself and I know its all self inflicted.

You sound like a lovely Mum, I think most Mums think something is going to happen to them or there children.

I will say a little prayer for you.

sorry, really did not mean to make you cry.. But then again if it has not upset you then it's good because my point was precisely that you should allow yourself to feel things, put a name on those feelings and heal rather than repeating some patterns.
Come here as often as you need if that's the only outlet you can cope with right now, but do continue to talk and release what's eating at you.
If you want more anonymity join an existing thread.

XXX

Just wondering how you are, notmyself.

You took a big step seeing the dr, so well done.

BIG {{hugs}} to you.

Take good care

x

Hi littlemiss gosh your up late. Im ok, i havent cried since monday and feel weird, not myself and unable to snap out of it, cant cope with doing anything that takes to much effort and cant keep conversations going its an effort to talk, funny enough everyone ive told has not been that suprised so must have seen it coming, parents are really worried about me.

Ive stayed in bed for the last 2 days, apart from dropping/picking ds to/from nursery, today i am going to try and get out of the house and xdp's mum has invited me round for lunch, i can cope with that as she is really lovely and always mothers me and ds.

Told work and my manager just said 'oh right' (tosser) but i got a lovely text from my ex manager, she is very understanding, wish she was still my manager. Ds was playing with my mobile this morning and accidently phoned the IT director of my company i just clicked end call, so not sure what he must have made of it!

Thanks for checking up on me, and thanks to everyone for your lovely comments

take care

Just popping into see how you are NMSN.

Thinking of you.