My truth trigger warning

[Thetruth56]

My whole life I have struggled with my mental health and I really struggle to open up to people about it in person
So here is my whole truth that I hope someone can guide me into sorting out
Everything went wrong when I become a porn addict at aged 10 to 13 I watched it multiple times a day which lead to speaking to pedophiles in chat rooms and sending them pictures and being groomed and black mailed online
Then aged 13 i started drinking and smoking weed l, I slept with drug dealers and just general weirdos and was groomed by one particular drug dealer who gave me cocaine and raped me.
Then i had zero self confidence started experimenting with different drugs and just slept with anyone who said hi to me.
By aged 16 I had met my final boyfriend who was 26 and a horrible person, he abused me physically and emotionally. He's gone now and I have our son who is 2.
I'm 18 and am very lonely and when my son is in bed I just sit and cry. I struggle to sleep and I'm not sure what to do?
Thanks for reading sorry if it doesn't make sense

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this before? Sending you a handhold 🌸🌸🌸

I think you need to go to the GP and ask for counselling. You’ve been through a lot of trauma and have a lot to work through.

You may want to go to the police at some point too if you feel ready.

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through.

No If I try to speak to someone about it I just cry and can't get any words out.
Thank you

Thanks for your reply, i just always feel as if I would just be bothering the gp as I would never really be able to explain everything I've been through properly.
I don't think I would want to go to the police, not sure they could do much.
Thank you

Could you write it all down ?

You definitely need to see someone because you will continue to struggle. You have had a horrible time. I am sure your GP will be patient and listen to you even if you cry. Have you no family members who can support you? Or friends?

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/charity-and-voluntary-services/get-help-from-mental-health-helplines/

There is a link to a lot of helplines. Maybe start there?

I think you’ve been brave in writing this here. Could you try to write a letter and bring it to the GP?

You need and deserve professional therapy to help you to process the trauma you’ve been through.

That sounds like a huge amount to unpick and I'm sorry you seem to have been totally failed by those around you who were supposed to care and look out for you. However, you are still young and have a child to look after.

I would suggest counselling but I know that can be hard to access. When my son had issues at around the same age as you, his dad found a local drugs charity that offered one to one support and their outreach worker came to see him at home each week. He found her easy to talk to and very much on his level and we were really impressed with the service, even if my son was unwilling at that point to make changes. So do see if you could find something similar.

You sound in a very bleak place and I know how that feels. However, I can tell you that life can change, you can find a way of being that brings you peace and joy. I know that's easy for me to say but it took me a lot longer than you to recognise my pain! I only started in my 40s so there was so much more to unravel. I won't pretend it was easy but it was so worth it.

Thank you for all your replies yes I will try to write it all down, I don't have any friends and I don't want to upset my mum by telling her.
I feel a lot of shame about it and feel as if I could of prevented myself from going through a lot of things.
Thanks for the link I'll have a look on there

You’re still so young with your whole life ahead of you. What happened to you was not your fault.

Can you print of write down what you’ve written here?
Counselling is essential.

You sound smart- but I’m guessing maybe school was chaotic due to the abuse you suffered? What about getting some qualifications? Have you thought about a career?
You can redo your maths and English GCSEs for free at any local college and in June they will be finalising their timetables. Start there?

@Atalune thanks for your reply I didn't do too bad at school. I got my GCSEs and I'm currently doing an access course so I can go to uni. I can mostly function throughout the day fine I don't do drugs or drink anymore but i mainly struggle at night when I'm just on my own or if I see something on tv/ social media that reminds me about something that happened to me.

I hope you’re proud of yourself that you’ve managed to turn your life around since having your son.

And it’s really great that you’ve got something positive to focus on during the days- your son and your access course.

I would still take that step in talking to your GP- that’s what they are there for. This might lead to some coping strategies for the evenings.

Random suggestion but you could look into mindfulness and yoga to see if either help a little?

You are a very brave young woman and need to give yourself credit, you have come off drugs and alcohol and that is down to the strong person you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the vile scum out there that prey on vulnerability are to blame.

I have a very similar past to you and had children the same age with a man that groomed me for sex and crime. I know the feelings of deep shame, you know its not your fault but the shame is internalised and its hard to break free from but i beg you to find help now to process and deal with the trauma rather than leaving it unresolved as i have. You also need to learn skills on how to spot potential abusers in the future because they come with many disguises.

I threw myself into motherhood and providing for my children but i have never had any real friends after because i have always felt ashamed. My children are your age now and I spend so much time alone and have been unable to accept a loving relationship.
Now im just exhausted and lonely and still stuck back in the past.
You need to get the help now and if your relationship with your mum is good then confide in her and break the feeling that you are to blame.
You deserve a future and you have managed to get some education even with what you have gone through and you are strong enough to do it you just need to believe in yourself xx

Shame is a horrible thing to feel but it's very much something that others have imposed. You have a child. Imagine telling them that they are bad, deserve to be treated badly and that they deserve everything bad that happens in their life or whatever else your internal voice says to you. And then repeat endlessly. That's shame and it's no more true for you than it is for your little boy. Try to find ways to treat yourself as kindly as I'm sure you do your son because just like every one of us, you deserve to be here and you are worthy.

Well that just goes to show how amazing you are. Uni will be brilliant you’ll meet so many people. But first You need to repair yourself and have a good life that you deserve.

It's very brave that you are confronting your past. I hope you can access therapy.
Do you feel that you were neglected by your parents at age 10-14? I can't imagine many children that age would have unrestricted access to porn and pedophiles online. Or do you think I'm naive and that it's widespread? It's very concerning.
Perhaps one day you can anonymously help other young girls avoid this by getting your story out and raising awareness.
Good luck with your course. 💐💐

@CiderJolly okay thank you for the suggestions I'll definitely call the gp.
@lotusflower77 thank you , yes it's such an awful feeling and it does stop me from making friends aswell, I feel embarrassed to go shopping in case I see someone I used to know. Thanks for sharing your story. 🌷

@Atalune thank you, yes I definitely want to sort out my mental health
I think the gp is the best place to start thanks to everyone's kind comments it's really helped give me confidence to seek further help

My god, all that trauma and yet you are raising your son, doing an access course for uni and you don't touch drink or drugs.

I hope you know how brilliant that really is!

Go to your GP, it's fine if you cry. I cried over a shoulder pain once and I'm more than twice your age

Good luck x

Hi Thetruth56,

We're sorry you're feeling so low.

We can see you're getting some good advice from other Mumsnetters on this thread, but we just wanted to add a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed which can give you some support in real life.

As you've said you have trouble talking about any of these issues, it might be worth checking out a new text support service called Shout - please click on this link for further information - giveusashout.org. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope. They can help with a range of issues including anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, relationship problems, bullying or if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Please also take a look at the Gingerbread website. Gingerbread is a charity supporting single parent families and can give advice about childcare, education, housing and benefits and much more. There's advice for young single parents here - please do click on the link.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon.