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Mental health

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Original poster

Feel so desperately unhappy

26 replies

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:20

Feels like nothing is ever going to get better. I'm utterly sick of my husband, to the point where I can't stand the sight of him (and I've told him that). My DS16 is so depressed he's lying in bed in the dark. DS14 is mooching around and I'm embarrassing him because I'm sitting in the corner of the dining room sobbing. I'm so fed up of it all. I want my kids to be little and hard work and bloody annoying again - but at least they had lots of energy and we went places and did things. All fucking stuck at home now. Even if we could, nobody wants to do a fucking thing. I'm sick of the walks. Sick of chores. Desperately lonely. No end in sight. Can't cope with living with a depressed person anymore. 'You're only as happy as your unhappiest child' is so true. Can't live like this. Honestly feel like I could end it all. Literally bored to death.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 14:23

OK it's clear things have to change.

Are you renting or on a mortgage?
Do you both work?
Would you be able to afford to live separately? You could Google 'Entitled To Calculator' and enter a few details to see what kind of tax credits you'd be entitled to.

Be proactive. Think of yourself and think of your children. None of you wants to live like that.

fluffysocks89 · 02/04/2021 14:23

Things will get better OP. Everything might seem bleak now but it won’t always be this way......I promise. .

DowntonCrabby · 02/04/2021 14:25

Oh OP, can you call friend, invite yourself round for a garden coffee and vent about the bloody lot of them?

If not head out somewhere alone, go and buy yourself a lovely treat, likely just from the supermarket but some flowers, a new book, ALL the wine and chocolate?

Laggartha · 02/04/2021 14:28

I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling and how difficult everything is at the moment. Are you in counselling?

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 14:28

"DS14 is mooching around and I'm embarrassing him because I'm sitting in the corner of the dining room sobbing."

Do you have to sit in the corner sobbing in front of him? It's not the boy's fault you are unhappy and he doesn't know how to cope with your problems, or his brother's.

The older boy will probably be fine, a lot of youngsters go through a phase of not getting up and moping. Just leave him alone for now, he'll appreciate being given time and space with no judgement.

What has your husband done?

I can understand you all being fed up with each other, it has been a hard year but it won't last forever.

Hhusky · 02/04/2021 14:30

Things are tough right now OP
I genuinely think that by the sound of counselling wouldn't be a bad idea for yourself. It won't change your situation but may help you cope. Things will get better. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I really do hope things get better for you. Sending you hugs.

Gothichouse40 · 02/04/2021 14:33

I think you all need to sit down with one another and talk about how Lockdown is affecting you all. Even if it's to ask each other to make allowances given the situation. Communication is needed sitting round a table and talking about stuff. It might sound daft, but it may make you all feel a bit better and give each of you an understanding of how the other person feels.

Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:35

@jessstan2
DS2 walked in to get some lunch, and found me crying. Gave me a hug and we had a chat. I told him I'm sorry he's having to put up with everyone else's shit. He left again.
'Do you have to sit in the corner sobbing'. Well, I didn't plan it. It happened to be the empty room of the house at the time.

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Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:37

I've spent so much time trying to work out what to do with DS1. I'm exhausted. And I'm probably deep down really angry (with myself, with everything) that I can't fix him. He's not just a moody teenager, he's very very depressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:40

On the selfish front, I worry that I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life trying to live with a depressed person. I don't have the patience, or the knowledge or the strength. What happens if he never gets better? If he never leaves home? What happens to people in this case? I've recently come to the horrible conclusion that this is how it is with my parents and my 65 year old sister. They've always felt the responsibilty of being her carer. I've judged both sides all my life (sister for not just 'getting on with it' and parents for 'being soft') and it dawned on me a couple of days ago that this is what happens when you're a parent.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:41

It seriously just makes me want to kill myself.

OP posts:

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 02/04/2021 14:42

Have you considered you might be depressed as well? It's worth a call to a GP. You owe it to your younger son to make sure there's nothing more you could be doing to help yourself.

Lockheart · 02/04/2021 14:44

@MumofTeenDespair

What help are you getting him? Does he see a doctor, a counsellor, or take any medication?

You can't fix him. You're not a specialist. But he can be helped.

It sounds like you urgently need to refer yourselves or seek a referral to your local mental health services. What is your NHS trust?

Notagain20 · 02/04/2021 14:46

What help is your son getting, can you afford counselling for him? It is really tough to live with someone who is depressed, and you may have become depressed yourself. If you are having suicidal thoughts then please do tell someone, your gp or a friend you trust to really listen. It's not OK for any of you to continue like this, as I'm sure you are feeling. But there are plenty of alternatives to you killing yourself or your son being depressed forever.

What are the problems with your marriage? Can you leave?

SilverRoe · 02/04/2021 14:53

This sounds really tough and that you may also be depressed and overwhelmed. Depression can get better but it does sound like you all need more support. What is in place at the moment? Any therapy or medication for anyone?

Why can’t you stand the sight of your husband right now?

It’s good to reach out and it takes strength to admit you’re overwhelmed.

MNHQ

KimMumsnet · 02/04/2021 14:53

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 14:53

Son's seeing a counsellor. Wait for CAMHS referral. Should be seen in May. GP not good - been through all that before.

OP posts:

Hastybird · 02/04/2021 15:00

OP so sorry you're suffering. Your teen is depressed and that's hard, noone that hasn't been through a depressed child it will understand the crushing day to day pain of it. This is the time for you to lean out and find support for yourself - I'd highly recommend the book 'Never Let Go' by Suzanne Alderson. She writes about her teen daughters journey through depression, genuinely - reading someone's account who totally 'gets it' and had been there herself was a light in the darkness for me. She has some excellent advice and also runs a very active Facebook support group 'Parenting Mental Health'. I wish you all the very best.

Hastybird · 02/04/2021 15:02

Should add @MumofTeenDespair that in the book I mention, not only does she share her story but it's has guidance on the right approaches to take with a depressed teen, I can't recommend it enough to you x

RavingAnnie · 02/04/2021 15:08

@MumofTeenDespair

Son's seeing a counsellor. Wait for CAMHS referral. Should be seen in May. GP not good - been through all that before.

Lots of GPs are rubbish. See another one until you get advice you are happy with. You see a doctor to get their opinion. If you don't feel listened to or are uncertain about their opinion, see another one.

I wouldn't wait for CAMHS. They have very long waiting lists and may only offer limited support or nothing anyway. Go back to see GPs until you start getting somewhere. It sounds like it son needs to start trying some medication. He could do that via the GP while waiting for CAMHS.

You also need to think about yourself. You sound very depressed too. Book a GP appt for you. You may also be able to refer yourself to your local adult talking therapies service. You should be able to find out by googling.

You are in a very difficult situation. It's no wonder you are feeling like this.

DianaT1969 · 02/04/2021 15:13

Tackle only the things you can fix today. Do you have a friend to invite round to the garden? Do you have any family who make you feel better when you visit?
Does your son have a friend you could encourage to come round and play video games, or whatever he enjoys. He goes to school, so one person in the house is hardly a Covid risk.
Were you unhappy with your DH before Covid?
Know that you aren't alone. Lots of people feel really flat and bored at the moment. It's been a long, shitty year. But things will improve.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 02/04/2021 15:16

Hi OP, so sad to hear you’re feeling so low. Please make an urgent appointment with your GP re DS1. He needs medication whilst he waits for his CAMHS appointment. Also make an appointment for yourself. Although medication is not always the answer, it might help to give you clarity. This will enable you to make decisions and ultimately aid your peace of mind.

HarrietSchulenberg · 02/04/2021 16:11

Does your son want to engage with CAMHS or is that going to be another hurdle? Does he recognise that he needs help? Would he engage with CBT while waiting for CAMHS, or is that something you might find useful yourself?
If you google "free mental health cbt" there are a number of results that might help you, especially some NHS funded resources that might be available in your area.
Might be useful as a stop gap until you can access something else.

QGMum · 02/04/2021 18:32

I am so sorry you are feeling like this and going through a tough time.

It is indeed very true that we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. It is so hard as parents when dc get older and we can no longer fix things for them. It is good that your son is having counselling and on the wait list to see CAMHS. As pp have suggested you can also try to access support from him via local charities or Youngminds.

But you need to look after yourself too. Do you have someone in RL you can talk to about how you are feeling? Perhaps try to find a little time each day to do something you enjoy even if that's just a cup of coffee and reading a book or magazine, listening to music you like. We all need more in our life than chores and looking after our families.

Original poster

MumofTeenDespair · 02/04/2021 22:59

Thanks for your responses. DS is also autistic which makes things more complicated. He engages with his counsellor and also our family wellbeing officer. He needs something ‘stronger’ In terms of therapy so we will see what CAMHS offer. I have looked at the private route a little but it’s overwhelming and I don’t want to choose the wrong route. He won’t engage with any phone lines or apps or online resources. Not sure if he’d engage with CBT because it requires effort and discipline which he’s missing most of the time. He’s against meds. He’s bloody stubborn!!! Impossible to get a GP appointment for anything - and they’ve made it clear depression is CAMHS territory. I won’t go for myself either as it’ll be either the offer of meds or referral and long waiting list at MIND - who actually weren’t good when i went some years ago. But yes you’re right I need to talk to someone. I will look for private therapy for myself.

OP posts:

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