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Original poster

i feel so down today

42 replies

MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 20:14

woke up after full nights sleep which is very rare in my house, feeling miserable, tired and totally fed up.
hate were i live (moved 'down' in march as im on sick with pnd), feel trapped as cant work cos of illness, dont have friends or family to look after dd, dp does very little for dd(he knows this, but never fulfills his intentions)only night out ive had since july 2003 was 2 hours at next door nieghbours body shop party..thats it, failed driving test, so still have to walk through this horrible area.
i know we moved here for financial reasons, but it really gets me down, im not a snob in any way (we lived just around corner in first house)but the people around here are happy to live on benefits and be continually pregnant by various men just to get more money for large gold earings and alcahol. sorry, its not there fault, im just so down.
i hate myself and i cant be bothered doing anything, didnt want to go out today, could have just crawled back into bed if i could have known dd would be ok.
been crying on and off all day, even when in back of car when dd fell asleep(dp did not notice)
am on fluoxitine but just mae me tired, so am gonna speak to doc, they also make me hungry(although that could just be a side effect of the depression)and have put on loads of weight, which makes me feel ugl.
im not looking for sympathy, i know there are people worse of than me. i just feel so worthless and numb.

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 31/10/2004 20:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 20:26

thanks hun! yo'll be sick of hearing me now!ha ha
ive just felt so upset and numb (if that makes sense?) all day, got so upset when i saw a mum, dad, 3 children and twin babies get out of a two seater van today(the type with no windows at side and just boot space at back!)
are they that stupid!
everything that i see lately, like kids 'begging' for money (penny for guy) outside bank in rain, with thin, too big sleeveless t-shirt and filthy trousers on..do there parents not care? i hate living in middlesbrough! its such a desparate, uncaring place to be.

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 31/10/2004 20:34

Hi Mrs Mia Wallace - and who is Mrs. Mia Wallace??? it's gonna be someone really famous isn't it, I just know it

sorry you are having such a tough time atm. with dp is it a case of you waiting for him to offer to look after DD/offer help, and him never offering, or does he refuse if you do ask to help? i think it can be quite common if you are down to feel everything more intensely, and that world is an awful bleak place iyswim.

agree with yorkiegirl that you could do with discussing ads with your doc. is your HV any good (mine wasn't, but a lot of people with PND do find them helpful) if she is helpful, could she talk to your DP and spell it out that he should be more helpful/understanding to you. other thing that occurs to me is do you live in a surestart area - as they have loads of free classes, M & T Groups, and sometimes classes - educational or just gym classes with a free creche that you might find helpful

take care
xx

fairyfly · 31/10/2004 20:35

Uma Thurman in pulp fiction, brilliant name

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 20:44

hi mummytosteven

mia wallace was the part uma thurman played in pulp fiction!
dp will normally help if asked, but i 'feel' like i shouldnt have too! its his daughter, his howse..etc, he just doesnt/wont use any initiative and wonders why i get so upset.

yes, i am in surestart area and use two of the groups and have done for some time, but they dont help my depresion, im ok when there and back to myself when home.
have got psychiatric nurse coming round once a week/month who was refered to me froom my (nice)h.v, it helps to talk to her but she spends more time talking to dp as he was made redundant in may and is feeling down sometimes himself.
also contacted homestart and am meeting someone this tuesday to come around and chat/help out/look after dd while i have a bath/put washing out etc, but i feel so crappy about having to get help from these people when i have a mother 10 minutes down road, who cares more about her dogs, mil who is nasty, viscious person, no father/fil and all friends(barring one with own kids to deal with)buggers off when i wasnt available to go out every weekend.
gp is very nice and will try to get in on wed to speak to him and change tabs, these ones have never really worked, when we (me and dp) have words, its feels like the end of the owrld and i start questioning if people would be better off without me. but no one can majically produce fam and friends or change the ones i have. even tho these people are coming around, i just cant see any way out. i feel like i am just slipping into nothingness

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:06

sorry, bored everyone droning on

OP posts:
MummyToSteven · 31/10/2004 21:16

hi mrs m w

think it's a bit of a gender difference tendency - that as a mum you get used to anticipating people's needs etc spontaneously, but that men need a lot more encouragement to chip in. you're just going to have to be more ruthless in asking for help - in the long run if you ask for help before you are furious/exhausted then that's best for everyone. it sounds like you are doing all the "right" things to try and recover from your PND - going out to surestart stuff, telling your HV/GP about it, but does sound like the tabs aren't working for you. have you thought about going to any counselling as well, or does your CPN do that with you? the thoughts you are experiencing (hopelessnes etc) all sound like part of the depression and like the prozac isn't helping much.

it's so tough getting use to how friendship's change when you become a mum and none of your friend's have - bet that several years down the line they will be phoning you desperate for good motherhood tips - think the best thing to do is to try and meet as many new people as possible, in the hopes that eventually you will find someone you will click with.

other thought - have you changed onto any new hormonal contraception after the birth, as sometimes that can make you feel more depressed, particularly if it is something that is progestogen only

miam · 31/10/2004 21:25

MrsMia, so sorry to hear how you are feeling. You really do sound very low. But it's good that you are managing to talk about it on here, it is sometimes very hard to admit to being depressed but it can often be the starting point to getting better. You have had great advice from the others, and I would agree that the first thing to look at are the ADs you are on. I am on fluoxitine and it worked very quickly for me, so would worry if you have been on them for a while and not feeling any improvement. It would also be helpful if you ask your dr about CBT, which is very effective in helping depressives. Perhaps once you are starting to feel a little better in yourself, then you can start tackling some of the problem areas in your life. Things look so much more helpless and bleak when you are depressed. Once your depression is under control, you will then be emotionally and physically ready to tackle everything else. And dont worry about 'droning' on - it really really helps to talk and you will that everyone is more than ready to listen and offer support. xx

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:29

thanks mts
am still on same pill as i was before getting pregnant.
some of 'friends' already have children, but they also have close knit families begging to look after their kids, so they think im putting it on!
have had counselling when younger (abusive childhood) and cpn will listen/talk about anything i want, but it just seems like a dead loss.
........i dont know what to do.
hate were we are, hate the fact i always question my mothering ways, never confident in anything i do, hate my mother for what i was subject to as a child and for deserting me when i was pregnant.
i just cant get out of this dark dark hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:32

thanks miam
what is cbt?
have been on fluxetine for months now, initially one a day, then upped to two, but just feel so tired during day and cant sleep at night, eat like a pig, putting on so much weight which makes me feel worse.
i also feel so cold toward dp at min. i do expect him to know what i am thinking and i know he cant, but i just want someone to understand me and tell me how to put things right.

OP posts:
miam · 31/10/2004 21:41

CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It is a therapy that helps you to change the way you look at yourself and others thereby removing your negative thought and turning them into positive ones. It is very effective, but hard work (as I am currently finding out!). Your doctor should be able to give you some information. I think that it is difficult to get a therapist on the NHS, but it is possible to 'do it yourself'. Also, you need the support of your dp, so if he could go with you to the doctor, as was suggested, it may give him an insight into why you feel the way you do and help him to be more sympathetic. Unfortunately though, it is very difficult for a non-depressive to understand and appreciate the depth of despair that a depressive feels, but you will get the understanding you need from those on here who have suffered/are still suffering from depression, which is why you need to keep posting.

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:50

it means so much that you are hear listening to me miam, yorkiegirl and mts.
i WILL ask doc about that, hes VERY INTO alternative remidies and if he could offer me it, i think he would.
never felt like this in ages, today, actually felt like i was gonna crack up. just wish things were differnt family/friends wise.
rang my auntie tonight who knows my full story(only after telling her, it was a big secret for years)and asked if it was ok if we popped over, she told me she was going for dinner with her dd and others as dd(my cousin) is going to canada with canadian fiance this week and would be in around tea time. really pleased to be visiting her as i can really TALK to her, but she rang back 10 mins later saying her sis had organised surprise leaving party for cousin and would not be able to go round as would not be in.
firstly..upset that after ringing, we werent asked to tag along, second, why couldnt we join party? i know all the people, am getting closer to auntie and uncle(mams brother)and at my dd's christening, she rang to ask if Her aunt could come as she was visiting.
just felt really let down, i know her life doesnt revolve around me, but she understands how i feel and thought she would have been a bit more considerate...probably selfish, but thats how i feel. felt like id been kicked when i was down as shes the nearest thing i have to a mum

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:56

dp has even said that he doesnt mind me being on here all night when i need to as you guys are the only 'friends' that i can ask advice from and who want to help.

OP posts:
miam · 31/10/2004 21:57

Perhaps she just didnt think, I doubt she would want to upset you - it sounds like you are very close. Or maybe she did feel she could invite you as it was her sister that had organised the get-together? I know you feel really down about it, but there more than likely is a reason for her not asking you. I think if she could have, she would have. Try not to let it upset you until you have had a chance to talk to her. Have to go to bed now (too many late nights this week!) but sending you lots of hugs, and will keep an eye out for you, and speak later. Let us know how the doctor's appt goes. xxx

miam · 31/10/2004 21:58

Just read your last post, and feel terrible now that I am deserting you! So sorry I cant stay up to speak. I would if I could but am babysitting tomorrow and my sis arrives early! Promise I will speak to you tomorrow if you are on. Take care xxx

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:58

thankyou.
should probably go myself now.
sorry, am not usually this down, dont want to be a winger.
night all
and thankyou again
hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day?

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Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 31/10/2004 21:59

dont be daft, crossed posts, am going myself now.night night.x

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miam · 01/11/2004 08:19

Good morning Mia. How are you feeling today? Will be off and on today so will catch up with you at some point. xxx

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 02/11/2004 19:37

hi miam
was busy doing dp's c.v last night.
had a better day, felt a little more 'up', but dd is not very well, is very sleepy, grumpy and has terrible diarhea.
going to doc in morn to ask about changing ad's and cbt

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 04/11/2004 20:51

had a terrible day today.
dd woke up at 4am coughing and choking.
she has had diarhea and hasnt eat properly for 4-5 days and all she could manage was bile, but she kept retching and couldnt catch her breath!
once we managed to calm her, we took her to a&e as doc(not usual one) was rubbish and said she was fine!!!
after a while, doc at hosp came back and said she's got a virus but all we can do is help her through it as there is nothing he could give her other than calpol.
shes been sleeping and crying all day and i feel terrible that i cant help her, or maybe its something ive done? not cleaned something properly or something ive fed her?
shes been so fragile the last few days and i feel useless, she looks at me, expecting me to know what to do to ease her pain, but i just dont know.

OP posts:
tammybear · 04/11/2004 21:11

oh MMW, didnt know you were feeling down. lots of hugs for you. hope you're ok. xxx

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 04/11/2004 21:15

yeah! tried to get into doc yesterday, but he on hol so didnt bother going as other ones useless!
feeling trapped and useless, cant get us out of rut and into normal life, with money and life

OP posts:
tammybear · 04/11/2004 21:17

awww MMW, i hope you can see him soon then. when's he back?

Original poster
MrsMiaWallace · 04/11/2004 21:18

wednesday, am hoping he can change ad's and tell me more about cbt that someone suggested also think a light box might help as weve discussed sad before too...god im about set for knackers yard arnt i!

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tammybear · 04/11/2004 21:26

good luck with it, ive been through all that myself. on the waiting list for the surgery's counsellor. have you though of that?