Name changed for this. Feel like I’m reaching rock bottom. I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting really but I can’t say any of this IRL.
I’m a shit mother, DS almost 2 is just amazing and wonderful and I don’t deserve him as it is. We went to my MILs today (in our bubble) and she had lots of nice food in the fridge, nice tea on the go for him with a pudding including custard which he loves. Games out. Calm and happy and playing with him. I never even have an urge to cook, no idea what we are having most of the time and scrape something crap together that I don’t even enjoy. DH is a good cook and does most of it but I’m bored of everything he makes and don’t want that either. I’m completely disorganised- I used to be the opposite and took a lot of pride in being on top of a busy life. I can’t find things, then just order loads of new stuff and spend a fortune on things we don’t even want or need because it’s easier.
When DS was tiny I found it way harder than now, everyone is saying I must be so excited as I’m nearly due but in truth I’m slightly dreading it and daunted, I know I can’t cope with the sleep deprivation. So many people I see on here struggling to conceive and I feel so ungrateful. I’ve got bad SPD and can’t do anything, now I’ve finished work I can’t even spend extra time with DS as I need to keep him in childcare as I’m struggling to look after him on my own. Have so much to do to prep for the new baby but I can’t do any of it and just sit wasting the day away. Or try to do things then end up in agony and feel worse. I’m so boring for him at the moment I can see he is just really frustrated when he is with me and can’t wait for someone else to play with. He’s started hitting me and throwing things at my head and I just want to cry. I love him so much. But I’m actually very selfish and more bothered about my job, appearance, hobbies than I should be - and the lack of all of these recently and being miserable about it is consuming a lot of headspace. I only leave home to take him to nursery. For months and months.
I have seen a therapist recently, via zoom, but I just can’t do it virtually and just put on my usual act of being fine and they probably think I’m an idiot and wonder why I’m wasting their time. I’ve told them none of this. I’m on Sertraline but it’s not helping. I want to just down the whole box to be honest, I’m thinking about it quite a bit. I won’t and there isn’t a danger, but it’s very tempting in the hope I’ll get some kind of massive high and stop feeling like this for a while regardless of other effects. I feel like there is going to be something wrong with the baby or a problem with the birth because I don’t deserve it. But it still doesn’t seem to be enough to change my mindset and get myself organised and sort my life out to be a better mum. Better everything in fact. I’ve barely spoken to my DH in recent weeks, that’s probably a whole other thread. Sorry I’ve rambled so long. I’m going to bed soon so I can’t think about it anymore.