Don’t deserve to have this baby :(

[Alpywest]

Name changed for this. Feel like I’m reaching rock bottom. I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from posting really but I can’t say any of this IRL.

I’m a shit mother, DS almost 2 is just amazing and wonderful and I don’t deserve him as it is. We went to my MILs today (in our bubble) and she had lots of nice food in the fridge, nice tea on the go for him with a pudding including custard which he loves. Games out. Calm and happy and playing with him. I never even have an urge to cook, no idea what we are having most of the time and scrape something crap together that I don’t even enjoy. DH is a good cook and does most of it but I’m bored of everything he makes and don’t want that either. I’m completely disorganised- I used to be the opposite and took a lot of pride in being on top of a busy life. I can’t find things, then just order loads of new stuff and spend a fortune on things we don’t even want or need because it’s easier.

When DS was tiny I found it way harder than now, everyone is saying I must be so excited as I’m nearly due but in truth I’m slightly dreading it and daunted, I know I can’t cope with the sleep deprivation. So many people I see on here struggling to conceive and I feel so ungrateful. I’ve got bad SPD and can’t do anything, now I’ve finished work I can’t even spend extra time with DS as I need to keep him in childcare as I’m struggling to look after him on my own. Have so much to do to prep for the new baby but I can’t do any of it and just sit wasting the day away. Or try to do things then end up in agony and feel worse. I’m so boring for him at the moment I can see he is just really frustrated when he is with me and can’t wait for someone else to play with. He’s started hitting me and throwing things at my head and I just want to cry. I love him so much. But I’m actually very selfish and more bothered about my job, appearance, hobbies than I should be - and the lack of all of these recently and being miserable about it is consuming a lot of headspace. I only leave home to take him to nursery. For months and months.

I have seen a therapist recently, via zoom, but I just can’t do it virtually and just put on my usual act of being fine and they probably think I’m an idiot and wonder why I’m wasting their time. I’ve told them none of this. I’m on Sertraline but it’s not helping. I want to just down the whole box to be honest, I’m thinking about it quite a bit. I won’t and there isn’t a danger, but it’s very tempting in the hope I’ll get some kind of massive high and stop feeling like this for a while regardless of other effects. I feel like there is going to be something wrong with the baby or a problem with the birth because I don’t deserve it. But it still doesn’t seem to be enough to change my mindset and get myself organised and sort my life out to be a better mum. Better everything in fact. I’ve barely spoken to my DH in recent weeks, that’s probably a whole other thread. Sorry I’ve rambled so long. I’m going to bed soon so I can’t think about it anymore.

Are you still seeing your therapist? If you are please try to be honest, they won't judge you for it but might be able to help you

I think you need to talk to your midwife soon as they will be able to help you.
You are not a shit mother, you’ve a lot going on in very difficult times

You are not a shit mother OP.

Please take care of yourself

It's really hard being pregnant with a small toddler OP. You are doing fine. Grandparents make it look really easy but they have the time to do the extra special stuff. You might feel better when the baby is born in that you could have pre-natal depression.

I always make out I am fine when I am not too but try to have an honest conversation with your GP or midwife about how you feel because they might be able to help.

Please copy and paste this and send it to your therapist. It’s hard to say these things out loud but that might start the conversation

And be kind to yourself

I really can’t open up on zoom, it feels so awkward and there is sometimes a delay too so you can’t get a conversation flowing. I am struggling with talking to anyone virtually tbh except for work meetings before I finished for maternity leave

There’s also part of me that feels if I admit it - about thinking something will go wrong - it might be more likely to happen. Because I’ve said it out loud

You're not a bad mother, you are most likely completely overwhelmed mentally at the moment and need outside help to cope.
It is not shameful to feel overwhelmed and at the end of your rope, many people past and present will have felt the same way. Please reach out to your midwife, doctor or therapist though. Be honest and tell them how you feel.
If you can talk to your husband, be really honest. He may be going through nervousness of the upcoming birth but there is no way he is going through the same hormonal changes as you so he should be able to support you too.

When I was pregnant with DD2 my eldest was aged between 16m and 2yrs. It was exhausting and awful and looking back (when I felt a lot-
In fact pretty much all- of the things you’re describing) I was badly depressed, as well as anxious. Took until I was 7m pregnant to admit all this to my GP and the right combination of drugs helped but just not being pregnant anymore helped even more! I know loads of people who felt like this when pregnant with small children and none of them were doing it amidst a worldwide pandemic. Please go and speak to your GP. You aren’t alone.

You need to be honest and ask for help from therapist and family. These are very unnatural times and you are in pain and isolated.

When you are the other side of pregnancy and sitting outside in the sunshine with friends everything will be different.

Take a day at a time and don't be harsh on yourself. Just focus on survival.

Oh bless you, such difficult feelings and you sound in a really self critical place just now. I doubt there’s a mother in the land who feels they have their toddler the best of themselves when they were heavily pregnant with their next baby.

I wonder if this therapist is not the right person for you? Or if there’s a way to get the tech sorted so no delay? I think either way you need to be clear on exactly why you can’t open up to them and try to address that. You deserve support. You’re worth it. The way you’re feeling is not your fault and you’re not a bad person. The fact you are posting now is important.

I wish I could hug you and offer you some practical help.
And tell you that you're not a shit mum.
Your toddler sounds happy.

Your new baby will be loved.
But you need to talk with someone about this. If you do. They can help you to get into a better headspace.
Someone upthread suggested emailing what you've written in this post to your therapist. That sounds like it could be a good idea. It certainly couldn't hurt.
Give yourself a hug. You deserve it.

Hi OP, you are not a shit mother. You are struggling with SPD, pregnancy, a toddler and a global pandemic. That's a lot to deal with so please try to be kind to yourself. I echo previous posters who have said to open up to your therapist. They are there to help you but can only do so if you are honest with them.

You mention you used to be organised etc. When did this change? Did something trigger this? It might be worth looking at emotional distress-it sounds like you could be experiencing this. Don't compare your parenting to being at your MILs. She has time, energy etc. to focus on your DS that you don't have. Don't beat yourself up about it. Use that help. Take the time to rest. Talk to your DH and your therapist. This is a tough time in your life but it does not mean you don't deserve your baby. You do. Please be kind to yourself OP.

OP, please go to the chemist and get some Bach Rescue Remedy spray. Take it 5x a day and your son too.

It's amazing and totally safe.

www.bachcentre.com/shop/individual-remedies/emergency-combination-rescue-remedy/

@MartyMcShy I’m trying to think when I stopped being organised- it was sometime last year, when I started to feel there was no point to anything I suppose. It definitely started to seep in at work but I was finishing for mat leave anyway so I sort of got away with it. I feel like I’m completely alone and there isn’t any point in trying to keep on top of things as my DH and DS will undo it before I know it and they don’t want it anyway.

You are having deal with all of this in a really challenging environment. My ds2 has started hitting, he is also 2, I think it's a phase most go through, it's no reflection on his love for you. I really, really wish you well, op.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

How are you doing today @Alpywest?

Thanks for checking in @Gazelda. I just feel very flat today tbh. I don’t feel anything really. Which is an improvement on yesterday. I still don’t feel like I can say any of this to anyone IRL and have pretended to be fine as usual with DH.

You poor thing. It sounds really tough.

I don't want you to feel pressured, but do you think you could send an email to your therapist or HV? Or maybe your DH? Copy and paste your opening post. Try to do it today.

I'm sure they'd want to know how difficult you're finding things at the moment. And want to support you to not get any lower but hopefully rebuild some strength.
Thinks will get better, easier and happier. It might take a while, but the more help you have, the sooner things could improve.
You're under enormous stress and discomfort. You shouldn't be trying to do this alone. You've not failed. You're not a bad mum. Anyone in your situation needs support. Pregnant women are special, and you are one of them.

Thanks @Gazelda and to everyone who has posted too, you’re all so kind and supportive. I did get a phone call a while ago from the perinatal mental health lead, thinking maybe to get in touch with her as she may be able to see me f2f like a midwife can...I promise I’ll have a look for the number today. I haven’t seen or heard from the HV since DS was very tiny.