Is he being unreasonable..

[jordanmarryme2021]

I'm pregnant with a planned baby. Basically since finding out I was pregnant my mental health has gone absolutely to pot. I can't get out of bed, I'm having constant panic attacks, I honestly have contemplated suicide.
I don't know what pregnancy has triggered for me but whatever it is, it's a very scary place to be.
DP has said if I don't go ahead with the pregnancy, he can't promise he will be able to forgive me or that we'll stay together.
Is this reasonable of him or is he being unfair given the state I am in? I'm in no fit state of mind to even try to judge it.

Sorry to hear this. He is being unreasonable. Are you getting help for your mental health? That’s a priority right now.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. He is being unreasonable. I do hope you are getting some help with your mental health.

@FakingMemories

Sorry to hear this. He is being unreasonable. Are you getting help for your mental health? That’s a priority right now.

Do you think he is? Or is it unreasonable of me to expect him to stay with me if I abort his planned baby? He's not supported me at all, my parents and best friend have been more support than he has and wiped more tears. I spoke to my GP who has prescribed some medication and I'm on a priority list for therapy. I feel like my life has come to a standstill. GP said she will refer me to the abortion clinic on Monday but I'm 10 weeks on Tuesday and she's worried I've let it go so far that I'll regret it once I go back to a better state of mind.

@IcanandIwill

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. He is being unreasonable. I do hope you are getting some help with your mental health.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to say he won't change his feelings towards me if I abort his planned baby? GP has been like an Angel and she's been very supportive of me so at least that's one thing.

Get yourself some support immediately. Midwife, GP, etc. It's not uncommon. Hormones can be awful bloody things. Don't focus on what your bf has said. He's panicking because he can see youre in a desperate state and is worried. I agree he's not come across as supportive, but it is his child too, and you both planned the pregnancy. He can't force you to keep the baby, of course, and you have to do whats best for you. Seek help first though

It was unreasonable of him to say it as a threat/manipulation, but I can see how a termination might drive you apart, even in the circumstances of such poor mental health. So perhaps he’s being honest but he didn’t need to say it. I hope you get the help you need really soon

Of course he’s unreasonable. You’re his wife. In sickness and in health. That includes mental health. Do what’s right for you, not what you think he wants you to do.

Tbh I don't think he is being unreasonable. With it being a planned pregnancy, you have put him in a potentially very painful position, I couldn't blame him if it affected his feelings. BUT you do still need to do what's right for you, and I'm very sorry for what you're going through and that you don't have his support.

If that's how he feels then that is reasonable for him.

However, what is totally unreasonable of him is that he's not supporting you through any of this and yet he expects a nice baby at the end of it all.

You sound like you're going through hell and he couldn't care less. To be honest, it sounds like you'd be much better off without him.

OP I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and honestly, it's been a bloody rough journey physically but also mentally. I've struggled a lot. So I can totally empathise.

I had a similar comment from DP in the early stages when I was struggling with hyperemesis- I couldn't even keep water down at one point and was hospitalised. I hit such a low point, I told DP I couldn't do it anymore and wanted a termination (baby very much planned and wanted, but I was just in such a low place I couldn't see a way it would ever get better). DP commented at the time he wasn't sure if our relationship would survive if I did. It absolutely cut me. He's usually a very supportive and lovely man, he's been my absolute rock this entire pregnancy, but he just didn't know how to cope with what I'd said as we had planned this baby for so long. We worked through it and I somehow got through the hellish early days - but I was certain deep down I wanted this baby so I just somehow found that strength.

Do you have mental health support? Can your midwife refer you to a perinatal mental health team? It's just that you say baby was planned, so it sounds like some MH support might help y you to figure out what you really truly want?

Sending you a hug

He isn’t being unreasonable for not wanting you to have an abortion, and he isn't being unreasonable for not wishing to be with you if you have an abortion.

He is being unreasonable for not supporting you just now, or trying to help you get to a better place.

It really sounds like you need to think as if you're going to be a single parent, and decide if you're able to cope through pregnancy and raising the potential child alone.

He has said some things that you will resent, you've said some things it seems he may resent, and its hard to get back from that, especially as you're so vulnerable right now.

I hope you're able to get support and make the right decision for you soon op

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable: he must be shocked and frightened of losing this planned baby. That’s not to blame you at all: you must be feeling very frightened too. I feel very sorry for both of you. I think he will probably need some professional support too.

@Ozziewoz

Get yourself some support immediately. Midwife, GP, etc. It's not uncommon. Hormones can be awful bloody things. Don't focus on what your bf has said. He's panicking because he can see youre in a desperate state and is worried. I agree he's not come across as supportive, but it is his child too, and you both planned the pregnancy. He can't force you to keep the baby, of course, and you have to do whats best for you. Seek help first though

I have only spoken to midwife over the phone due to COVID and she just said to speak to my GP. Luckily I've had the same GP since I was little and she's been lovely. I've been given anti depressants and on an urgent list for therapy. She said she will refer me to the abortion clinic on Monday but she worries I'll regret it once I'm in a better frame of mind. All I want is for DH to put his arms round me and say he just wants whatever is best for me. He hasn't. When we speak about what to do we just fall out and I end up crying until I can't breathe and he just sits there or walks away. He hasn't even been sleeping in our bed. He's been in the spare room. It's like he thinks I'm this way on purpose - I only wish, as that means I could control it rather than it's controlling me. He said he's trying to be positive and I just can't even try to help myself but it doesn't help what he says.

It's your body but I don't think he is BU. It's a planned baby so I can see why he'd be hurt and upset, it's his child, too. Do you think you'd feel different if you saw them at a scan?

Get a referral to the perinatal team.

Would you feel worse after terminating the pregnancy?

What about if being pregnant was dangerous for your heart, or kidneys or another organ? Would your DP “forgive “ you for terminating this pregnancy then?
If being pregnant is a risk to your health at all then he should understand that

But I do think he is BU not supporting you atm. Maybe he's frightened?

I can relate, early pregnancy was an awful time for me. I would expect my partner to support me but I can obviously see why it would be upsetting for him. Regardless, your body, your mind and your choice.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your comments. I think maybe you're right and he is just being honest but he would've been better not to say anything as it's making a difficult situation worse. He hasn't once really initiated a chat with me, or even tried to do something to take my mind off it - not even something simple like suggesting we watch a film.
He just refers back to himself all the time "you're not thinking about me" "it's your body I don't have a say" "you've always been selfish and now you're being selfish about this" "it's always been about you and so is this"
The thing is I really don't know if our son we already have will have a mum if I continue this pregnancy. That's how low I feel.
The midwife has been useless. GP lovely. There's been no mention of an antenatal team or anything though. GP says if I go ahead it's better before 12 weeks and I'm already nearly bloody 10. I'm so lost, confused, upset and alone.

Hi There jordanmarryme2021,

We're so sorry you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support. We wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.
Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

@jordanmarryme2021

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your comments. I think maybe you're right and he is just being honest but he would've been better not to say anything as it's making a difficult situation worse. He hasn't once really initiated a chat with me, or even tried to do something to take my mind off it - not even something simple like suggesting we watch a film. He just refers back to himself all the time "you're not thinking about me" "it's your body I don't have a say" "you've always been selfish and now you're being selfish about this" "it's always been about you and so is this" The thing is I really don't know if our son we already have will have a mum if I continue this pregnancy. That's how low I feel. The midwife has been useless. GP lovely. There's been no mention of an antenatal team or anything though. GP says if I go ahead it's better before 12 weeks and I'm already nearly bloody 10. I'm so lost, confused, upset and alone.

Your midwife should be able to refer you urgently to the perinatal MH team. That's how I got my referral, it came through within a week or so. It sounds like you really need that support OP, so keep pushing for it. Be honest with your midwife about how low you're feeling.

I think he should be trying a lot harder to be supportive, he should be your main source of support not other people.

But I don’t think it is unreasonable of him to not want you to get an abortion. And I think few relationships will survive an abortion of a planned baby because one wanted it and the other did not, I think it is unrealistic to expect anything else.

I think his recent behaviours of shunning you is terrible. He's trying to manipulate you. Your'e in desperate need of support right now, not more crap to worry about. Is this how your bf usually responds to you when there is a difficulty. Walking away, ignoring you etc is awful. If this is the way that he often responds, it could be adding to why your'e suddenly feeling so upset. Maybe you feel trapped. It's perfectly acceptable that he's upset at the thought of an abortion, but he really can't force you into having a baby. I'm so glad you've sort help. His feeling arent wrong, but his behaviour is.

It sounds like you are experiencing antenatal depression and it is a real and awful affliction that I dont think you are getting enough support or help to get through it whichever way you decide.

The links there are great - but you can also call 111 or go to A&E if you feel you really need it.

This isnt your fault at all that you are feeling this way

I don't think he is being unreasonable for thinking your relationship might not survive a termination. He is probably frightened and worried and being honest. But he is being a bit useless and is unreasonable for saying hurtful things.
But whether he is being unreasonable or not is probably the wrong question. The right question is how do you get the right support for yourself right now. Just focus on that for now. Tell him what you want him to do.