I just can't do this anymore

[allthesharks]

I have a long history of depression and I'm currently suffering with PND. The last few days I've been really low. Yesterday my DP had his covid vaccine and he feels unwell so is in bed. I'm looking after 3 DC on my own whilst feeling suicidal. I just can't do this. I know I have to. I know I have no choice but I just want to stop and break. Where my DP is physically unwell, that obviously trumps my mental illness. I have the number for the crisis team but I can't call them as I can barely get a spare minute (typing this has been stop start to deal with things for the DC) and even if I could, what's the point? I can't go anywhere or do anything to make it any better because I have to look after the DC. I just want to give up. I already have in mind that today is the last day I'll spend with my DC as I don't intend to be here past tomorrow. As soon as my DP is out of bed I can just give up.

Hi @allthesharks how are you feeling this evening? Only just saw your post.

Id been feeling quite depressed for a few weeks as part of Schizoaffective disorder I do get low, but it's thankfully lifted now.
So I understand how you feel as I get suicidal thoughts.

I think you have to be very sensible right now and realise that the depression is making you very unwell.
Your DP must step up & look after your DC (I mean he is only having a vaccine reaction) while you phone either the crisis team or 111 and tell them you feel actively suicidal tonight... please do this.
If for whatever reason they aren't helpful then go to your local ED / A&E.

As you know I'm sure, your children need their mum (you) around while they grow up & get older.
Take care x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well and it does sound like you need to talk to someone right now.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We really hope things get better for you, OP and you are able to access the support you deserve.

Poor OP. I am not particularly wise but I do believe it will get better . Lock down has made everyone's mental health way worse than it was. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And I do disagree - physical illness does not trump mental illness. Is there anyone you can ask to help? I know it's lock down but this is an emergency x

Thank you for your messages. Yesterday resulted in a big argument between me and DP. Apparently I always feel down and he's rarely ill so I was being unreasonable. He got annoyed at me because I don't help myself, which I know there is some truth in, but that is the depression. It's so hard to motivate myself to do things, even if logically I know they will help. He made me feel so guilty and awful for feeling like I couldn't cope because he wasn't well and just couldn't get up and do things with the kids. I did do it all, but I really struggled, felt really low and couldn't stop crying for a lot of the day. I went to bed not long after I got the kids to sleep. I feel better for having slept but I didn't eat all day yesterday and I haven't eaten today. Again, I know I should but it feels like the only thing I have control over and I feel like it will lower my mood if I do eat. Almost as though I would have failed. I know this thinking is completely flawed, but I still can't bring myself to eat.

You need to see a GP or contact the crisis team.
You also need to eat.
Your DP is right in that it doesn't look like you're doing anything to help yourself?
What steps are you taking to help yourself?

It must be hard for him also knowing that everything rests on his shoulders. You owe it to him and your children to try to make yourself better.

I am taking Mirtazipine and Citalopram and I've also been prescribed promethazine to take when I'm really struggling (I took some yesterday). I'm also in touch with the maternal mental health team.

Everything doesn't rest on my DPs shoulders. I generally take care of everything to do with the children and yesterday I did that plus all of the day to day stuff around the house as my DP wasn't well.

I take promethazine when I feel anxious, it's good for helping you feel more relaxed isn't it?
I think you should definitely eat something even just a bowl of cereal will raise your blood sugar and help raise your mood; or make some toast & jam.
I know you have DC to worry about but you have to look out for yourself as well.
Especially when you take meds it's good to have food inside you x