Thinking about killing myself frequently

[cobaltblue27]

Hi,
Title makes it sound more dramatic than it is I think. I’ve had several really tough years. My eldest (6yo) is autistic (PDA) and it has been very isolating and challenging. I have a 4yo with undiagnosed ASD (but he is, definitely) and a 2yo daughter. My husband (is?)was a porn addict and we’ve had a lot of difficulties in our relationship with my in-laws: my husband was until Tuesday going to inherit a family estate, and had expected to do so for 44 years. This has been challenging as his parents are cruel and hate him, and his mother in particular has abused me, swearing at me in front of children and telling me my son is autistic because I work, among other things. His father emailed on Tuesday to say that unless DH committed to move us all to the estate in Scotland (from London) full-time, with them also living onsite and continuing to direct things like the accounts and major decisions after ‘handover’, he would be giving the estate to DH’s sister. We do not feel we can do it as our marriage is already on serious rocks (my husband hasn’t said he loves me since 2016 and a month ago he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to stay married to me). I have worked really hard all through three pregnancies, oh and the diagnosis of a life-threatening autoimmune condition via a coma in ITU, at a job that I don’t really enjoy but is well-paid, and we have lived in a tiny house throughout our marriage to save money for this wretched estate and so it’s a complicated set of feelings. I will never get those years back but the idea of moving up there full-time feels like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun. Oh, and lockdown with three children and trying to home-school an ASD child. I just feel like I’ve had enough of everything. I know it’s not right to feel like this, and for the sake of the children I’ve been trying to do all the right things like exercise and counselling. I’m the main carer for them as my husband is not so hands-on. I rang the GP on Friday and told her that I’d rationalised in my head that it would be better for everyone if I was dead. It’s my fault in that I’m ‘oversensitive’ according to my in-laws that I have driven my DH away from his parents and ruined his life by losing him the estate for not being able to cope with his mother and ruined my children’s life because they loved it there. My husband doesn’t love me anyway. It just feels like I was one of God’s mistakes. I feel like I’m continually humiliating myself on every front by trying so hard. And I’m so tired.

I have a large and supportive family and good friends. I’ve been very honest about how I am feeling and have tried to talk to them about it. But I just don’t think I want to go on any longer.

I went for a walk during the week and I’ve started thinking about what I would write in letters that I would leave to my best friends, my parents, my husband, my children. I started writing the letter to my daughter in my head and then I just stopped. My best part of my day is when I see the children after they’ve woken up or when I cuddle them. I am not a good mother and am very impatient but I love them so much. But then in a few short years they’ll be wanting to get away from me too, won’t love me any more and perhaps my worst nightmare is that I could ever treat them the way my in-laws have treated my husband. I just think maybe better be dead?

I don’t know if this makes any sense. I’m so sorry. This is a hard time for everyone and I hope you are doing as well as you can. I’m just very very tired and sad.

Oh Cobalt you're going through hell but it isn't your fault. The situation with your in-laws and DH sounds intolerable and it's no wonder you're at the end of your tether. Dismiss it. It's nothing to do with you.

Concentrate on yourself and your DC. They need you, they love you and it wouldn't matter if they'd missed out on inheriting Holyrood or whatever (insert any other posh Scottish estate) so long as they have you. Losing you would rip their world apart.

The trouble with committing suicide is it becomes an option for those you leave behind. Don't make it an option for your children's future.

You really do sound exhausted. It seems you're at a tipping point and it's not surprising - from what you've written, your DH's inability to support you is causing this issue and his behaviour and inaction is an unacceptable neglect of his duties as a partner (and father).

Lording an estate over someone is cruel (they really do sound like insufferable wankers), but to prioritise that estate over your wife's well-being is worse. I sense though that in the immediate future, you really need to kick the practical problems into the long grass and focus on building up your emotional strength back up. Getting some space from your DH and taking a holiday from the pressures of your relationship would benefit you enormously, regardless of covid rules (IMO this situation is definitely serious enough to warrant disregarding the distancing rules). You need perspective in order to get everything clearer in your mind, which will allow you to stand up for yourself.

This is what friends and family are for - let them help you and make getting better your absolute priority. You'll eventually see that this had to happen for things to get better - even if that means your life goes off on an unexpected tangent. At the end of the day, relationships are all that matters, and your kids need you more than bricks and mortar.

I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this at the moment. Your in laws are the problem, not you.

You desperately need time to recover and get treatment, because you deserve better. You obviously love your children very much, hold on to that. Remember the saying - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I am really glad to hear you have a support network and that your mum is with you. Seriously consider staying with them, the mental breathing space will help, and getting away from the influence of your in-laws will do you the world of good.

The estate and your in laws are really not your concern. You’ve been working really pay hard on your marriage, and massive kudos to you for that, it’s not easy. It’s time though to put you first now. Concentrate on getting better. You will. x

Thanks so much for your message. I’ve been awake really early this morning and cannot sleep. I feel really guilty for the children sleeping downstairs and also my mother but I also know how I got to this state.

My mother wants me to go home but I really don’t have the energy to go anywhere. We have some help from a nanny during part of the day during the week here and everything is more ordered and calm when she is here and it will be a change for the children. I think they’re very confused about yesterday. There were a lot of police and their mum disappeared. I really don’t think it shows me up as a particularly worthwhile mother to be honest. Of course it doesn’t.

It is very stupid, as we’ve worked so hard for so long for the estate that we’re not getting (it most certainly is not Holyrood...it doesn’t have enough land to support a very large very old house, and so you have to run the place as a hotel/venue to make the costs add up - I struggled with the idea of having my small children sleeping alongside strangers among other things. Not to mention the fact that it is a long way away and I’d have my MIL and SIL living 1km in either direction - both of whom hate me, one of whom has outright abused me) that we have more cash than many have at our stage, especially as we’ve deliberately not prioritised our own living arrangements since the children were born ( something I have hugely struggled with, I haven’t been able to give them a nice home). I have just switched jobs with my old boss of ten years, who is infuriating and a nightmare but he is also a good man and very supportive of me. Ie, we are lucky, we should be financially able to give our children a good life. But my husband will get in the way: he’s hugely controlling and has all these weird ideas about property being overvalued and the challenges of an ‘indivisible’ asset. I don’t really get it. I thought everyone did the best they could for their own house, and sought to make it a happy home. For him every single thing is financial. And he cannot assess the non-financial costs. It’s been an annoying inconvenience that I’m so unhappy. I can still see us living in our tiny terraced house (thank goodness close to lovely neighbours, not too far from my job and my parents) for years. My DH has had a bad write-up in the comments, but he’s chronically depressed and has a lot of anger issues. This is understandable given his upbringing but there is this awful sense that I and the children don’t make him happy. I feel so pointless to him and it’s hard living with such an angry man, who do visibly cannot articulate what his priorities are.

I just want someone to hug me and say that I and the children are so much more important than a house or a place, and that we will do our best to have a happy life together somewhere. I thought that was what I signed up to but I don’t know what he signed up to - whatever it was it’s much more complicated and not happy.

I don’t know how to get through these days. I’m dreading my eldest going back to school as he suffers dreadfully with meltdowns in the evenings when he comes back - he kicks, hits, bites me and his siblings. Pushed his sister down the stairs before Christmas. He’s been a different child and I can’t remember the last meltdown we’ve had since he’s been at home with me home-schooling. It’s just another thing to worry about. I’m the one that has done all the research and has the most confidence and experience in managing him but then when it all kicks off DH often argues with me and gets angry with DS during these meltdowns. It feels so bleak and inevitable. I don’t want to deal with it all again on top of everything else.

I’m so sorry to go on but I’m so grateful just to be able to write it down. I wonder if I’ll ever sleep again. I feel like I just don’t want to do today.

I think your mum is right here - I know it's hard when you're mentally so fatigued, but physical distance and a change of environment is the best way of getting perspective.

I doubt a short spell of the nanny taking the reigns is enough time to give you what you need.

I get what you mean about your DH - of course we're all going to see things more from your POV, and relationships are obviously more complex than can be conveyed in a summary on a message board BUT the facts are he's not able to support you through this mental health crisis. The consequences of that are potentially dire, as yesterday's events prove.

You need unwavering support just to get to a place where you can recover from this breakdown and make good, solid decisions about your family's future.

You're also a carer for children with complex needs, which is a huge trigger for stress, even if everything else was settled - if you're not already receiving it, you'd benefit from some targeted support regarding this so you don't feel so alone - www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/parent-to-parent

I walked away from a family inheritance and toxic parents while I was pregnant with my second child, so I absolutely understand what's at stake here. Putting myself and my own mental health first empowered me to then end an extremely unhealthy marriage. While it was scary and I lost the marital home and financial security in the short-term, I'm a million times stronger as a result - I no longer experience the crippling anxiety attacks and post-traumatic stress symptoms and am now in a mutually supportive, stable relationship where I don't have to do all the emotional heavy-lifting.

Keep sharing your feelings - its a brilliant outlet and I hope that you can reflect over your own posts and be much kinder to yourself as a result.

I’m still in a really bad way. Sorry to go on but either I feel nothing and numb, and that’s a relief as it’s at least calm, but if I’m not numb I just can’t stop crying. I am really struggling getting through the home school without crying and my son keeps on telling people that Mummy went away on Sunday and the police couldn’t find her among other things. I can hardly bear to be around the children because I feel so guilty and at the same time wish I wasn’t here to carry on feeling the way I do. I keep on being utterly poleaxed by really difficult memories anout how I struggled with going up to Scotland and horrible things my in-laws said and did and feeling so upset and angry. It’s debilitating and I feel physically sick and tired. I feel like there is more to dread than to live for. I adore my children now but keep thinking how one day they won’t be here any more and won’t want or need me and I’ll have nothing left.

I’m meant to be in the care of the mental health crisis team but they tried to turn up mid-morning when I was teaching my son and my husband was working. Our house is really small and there was no way I could speak to them. They are going to call me on the phone again tomorrow. I feel like I badly need to talk to someone but dread going over it all again. The psychiatrist who assessed me when I was taken to hospital wanted to send me to an inpatient unit which I was reluctant to do at the time but I wonder whether it would help give me some distance from the thing. But I couldn’t leave the children as DH isn’t as hands on and easily gets angry with them.

I just wish I could switch off my head. I hate trying to live knowing that I am this awful person whom everyone gets annoyed with.

Oh cobalt, my heart goes out to you. You've had an horrendous experience with your in laws, please don't engage with them meantime. You need to put yourself and the children first.

Please, please take some time out and go to your parents, even if it's just for a couple of weeks initially. You and your little ones will be cared for and it will give you some time just to, well, be loved and nurtured. Which is what you deserve.

That you can see that your husband's upbringing has made him the angry, depressed person he is will mean that your children will not suffer the same, your children need you, not them.

I feel for your husband too, but what he ultimately decides is his priority is up to him, and he needs to live with that decision. You don't - you do what is best for you and your children. I believe your husbands life will be 100% better if he forgets the inheritance and focuses on what is really important in life I.e. his immediate family. You will be happy too without him though. You need to heal first though from the damage your in laws have inflicted on you.

I hope the crisis team have prescribed you some medication, in my experience it really really does help, but it can take a good 6 weeks or so to really start seeing the benefits. I'll probably be on medication for life now, so be it, it keeps me on an even keel and at times happy and content and most importantly keeps those negative thoughts from invading. It's those negative thoughts that are prevailing for you at the moment, that's the illness's voice, not you. Please take the time to let your body and mind heal and lean on those you can trust to get you through this horrible time x

Poor, poor Cobalt. You're not an awful person and no one has any right to get annoyed with you. But you are ill and exhausted, and no wonder with all you've been through.

Please put your health and welfare, and that of the DCs first. That's what's important. Forget the horrible in-laws as much as you can. It sounds like your life would be a lot healthier without them in it.

Take care of yourself.

You're not an annoying person. You're a wonderful person who has been beaten down by your dh's family (and him) and your trying to cope with far far too much. Your immediate needs are your mental health. Can your mum stick around to help with the children if you go into the inpatient unit? You urgently need help and your dh isn't capable of giving it. Once you've had some urgent help, things will feel more stable and you'll be able to see more clearly. I dare say it would be less confusing for the children if mum just went into hospital for a few weeks than if you tried to stay at home for treatment. It's like you're currently standing in burning lava. Your feet can't heal until you step out of the labs and onto dry land. The psych unit will help you get onto dry land.

The estate won't bring you joy from what you've said. It's a great big house but look at all that comes with it. A great big millstone around your neck for the rest of your life. It's ok to say you don't want it. Who would? Being beholden to that shower of arseholes for ever. If your husband wants to fight his parents for it then great. Let him. But you don't have to be part of it, you don't have to move and i wouldn't in your shoes. If you do, you'll always be beholden to those will people. It will never feel like your home. No wonder you have got to this point. It's not about you as a person, or a mother. This is about inhumane levels of stress that have been heaped upon you by your husband and his family. It's OK to say no more. You have more choices than you think you do - you just need a little bit of help to be able to see that.

you are the best mum for your children. you can only do the best you can, and that is ok. im glad you have got support. keep reaching out and getting help. turn to the people who support and love you for who you are. you will eventually start to feel better, though i know that is hard to believe now.

Oh darling
Your children need you. They really do. I’ve known three people over the years who are children of parents who died due to suicide. Two utterly despised their parent, are incredibly angry and it affects them every day. They are not better off in anyway. The last one was older when I knew her and she spent a fortune on clairvoyants trying to get answers.

Your babies need you now, and they will need you as an adult - your mum is with you now.

I can sympathise on your feeling, I feel the same. But your children really need you around, the long term damage and shake up in routine etc for them would be huge and it doesn’t sound like your DH is particularly well placed to deal with their emotional needs.

Your family sound better off without inheriting the estate with these conditions. Even if you still got it after they died it sounds like your SIL would be a pain. Your DH is understandably grieving For the life he thought he was having, the one he was promised and the one he planned.

@cobaltblue27 I’ve got a 7 year old with autism (pda kind) it’s enough to tip mother Theresa over the edge sometimes. So you have my utmost sympathy! When your not feeling well yourself it’s even harder to look after them when they have additional needs so no wonder your not coping you poor thing.

Forget homeschooling they are back Monday. Don’t stress yourself over that.

I’m going to post this now so I can come back to it later and not lose the thread and I’ll be back when I’ve got my ds sorted

Goodness me Cobalt, that sounds awful and I'll so sorry. His parents almost sound like caricatures! I expect he doesn't know how to break free of them. I'm really glad you have a good support network snd I'm glad you've had some external support.
I have felt like the only option was killing myself, but what would make me stop was thinking I couldn't leave my children without a mother. So I get that you think it's logical, but it really isn't.
Start thinking of yourself. Take every day at a time and don't put pressure on yourself. If your children go back to school on Monday, then that hopefully gives you some space, I know your daughter will be at home though.
Take care of yourself, posters on here are amazing and have much more helpful things to say than me.

@cobaltblue27 How are you doing?