Thinking about killing myself frequently

[cobaltblue27]

Hi,
Title makes it sound more dramatic than it is I think. I’ve had several really tough years. My eldest (6yo) is autistic (PDA) and it has been very isolating and challenging. I have a 4yo with undiagnosed ASD (but he is, definitely) and a 2yo daughter. My husband (is?)was a porn addict and we’ve had a lot of difficulties in our relationship with my in-laws: my husband was until Tuesday going to inherit a family estate, and had expected to do so for 44 years. This has been challenging as his parents are cruel and hate him, and his mother in particular has abused me, swearing at me in front of children and telling me my son is autistic because I work, among other things. His father emailed on Tuesday to say that unless DH committed to move us all to the estate in Scotland (from London) full-time, with them also living onsite and continuing to direct things like the accounts and major decisions after ‘handover’, he would be giving the estate to DH’s sister. We do not feel we can do it as our marriage is already on serious rocks (my husband hasn’t said he loves me since 2016 and a month ago he said he didn’t know whether he wanted to stay married to me). I have worked really hard all through three pregnancies, oh and the diagnosis of a life-threatening autoimmune condition via a coma in ITU, at a job that I don’t really enjoy but is well-paid, and we have lived in a tiny house throughout our marriage to save money for this wretched estate and so it’s a complicated set of feelings. I will never get those years back but the idea of moving up there full-time feels like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun. Oh, and lockdown with three children and trying to home-school an ASD child. I just feel like I’ve had enough of everything. I know it’s not right to feel like this, and for the sake of the children I’ve been trying to do all the right things like exercise and counselling. I’m the main carer for them as my husband is not so hands-on. I rang the GP on Friday and told her that I’d rationalised in my head that it would be better for everyone if I was dead. It’s my fault in that I’m ‘oversensitive’ according to my in-laws that I have driven my DH away from his parents and ruined his life by losing him the estate for not being able to cope with his mother and ruined my children’s life because they loved it there. My husband doesn’t love me anyway. It just feels like I was one of God’s mistakes. I feel like I’m continually humiliating myself on every front by trying so hard. And I’m so tired.

I have a large and supportive family and good friends. I’ve been very honest about how I am feeling and have tried to talk to them about it. But I just don’t think I want to go on any longer.

I went for a walk during the week and I’ve started thinking about what I would write in letters that I would leave to my best friends, my parents, my husband, my children. I started writing the letter to my daughter in my head and then I just stopped. My best part of my day is when I see the children after they’ve woken up or when I cuddle them. I am not a good mother and am very impatient but I love them so much. But then in a few short years they’ll be wanting to get away from me too, won’t love me any more and perhaps my worst nightmare is that I could ever treat them the way my in-laws have treated my husband. I just think maybe better be dead?

I don’t know if this makes any sense. I’m so sorry. This is a hard time for everyone and I hope you are doing as well as you can. I’m just very very tired and sad.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time of it, but you are definitely, 100% better off alive, for you and your children. All parents are impatient, they love you, you love them-they need you. Your life has value-don't ever think it doesn't.
You say you have close family and friends - you need to lean on them, and confide in them. Your in laws sound toxic and your husband seems absent from the marriage. Things can get better-they will xxx

Hello cobaltblue27, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users are feeling this way we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We really hope things look brighter/better for you soon cobaltblue27
Very best wishes from MNHQ.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I can't offer much advise but please remember you are your children's world & it would not be better for them if you weren't around.

What did your GP say when you spoke to them? Are they offering support?

I hope things improve for you soon

GP was really lovely. She took me seriously but I think also recognised that there wasn’t a lot that she could do about all the sh1t which has been thrown my way. The whole DH being disinherited thing is really what has pushed me over the edge. We were living in a cottage up there during lockdown #1 and the abuse from MIL was just so horrendous and she has no boundaries - she’d just barge in and snatch off my ASD son with no warning - that I actually think I had some kind of breakdown. I didn’t handle it at all well and at one point in desperation I said I would call the police if she came close to the children again. That was obviously wrong and I’ve since apologised. It was a really hard time as I’m steroid-dependent so high risk for Covid and I knew she wasn’t really taking much notice of restrictions (she swore at me when I told her not to pick up my son after we agreed that she could see us outside at a distance in the evenings when she was demanding to see the children). These episodes are now being held up as why I’m so awful and why my husband is being disinherited. It’s literally all my fault. I’ve ruined his life and obviously that means my children won’t enjoy the place. But then my husband doesn’t love me anyway. It just seems really awkward that I’m here at all? Not sure if that makes sense. I just took pictures of my beautiful small people asleep on my phone, and I’m trying to focus on that. But as I said, I looking at how my in-laws are treating my husband and the impact they are having on all of our lives. I don’t want to be around to fall out with them. I never ever want to hve that kind of relationship with my children and I’m so frightened of it I just want to kill myself now. My husband is distant within the marriage but who can blame him with the upbringing he had. If anyone is at fault here it’s me. I keep on thinking on how I’m a mistake God made,‘and that it’s just a bit awkward to have me around. I just ruin everything.

To be clear, GP prescribed some diazepam to give me a bit of a break from my head for a short period and to help me sleep. Finding it very hard to eat or sleep at the moment.

The other thought process I’m having along with writing the letters, is hoping that I get really ill and die or that I’m attacked or something. After all, if I kilo myself my in-laws will be able to say what an awful oversensitive person I am, and then guess what? Selfish b1tch went and killed herself. I can hear them.

Ow your poor poor children

Your in laws sound toxic, I'm not surprised you're going through a tough time. What does your DH say about it all?

You're not a mistake in any way.
Did you post a few weeks back about some of your situation?
Having children with asd is incredibly hard work particularly when your spouse does not do their part.
Do you have any support around you in rl?

OP you sound lovely and I bet you are a great mum too.

Will the children be back at school soon? It's brilliant that you've sought help from your GP and you have support from friends and family.

Your in laws sound bloody awful. I would be willing to bet if they were no longer in your life that would be a lot of your problems solved.

Depression can be crushing and your brain can play all sorts of tricks on you like your kids would be better off but they need you.

You can get well again, please hang on in there. What do you want to do about your marriage?

Oh OP, this sounds awful, but it seems that most of your problems stem from your in laws and DH. You say that your family are supportive, is leaving an option?

Agree with PP that schools and other services will be open soon now which will hopefully help a bit.

It also sounds like you're children are absolutely, one million percent better with you in their lives.

My husband is totally crushed. He won’t really talk about to me and got angry with me last night when I was trying to ask questions about what he thought or how he was going to respond....he is not a good communicator at the best of times so I’m pretty much on my own. We are already seeing a couples counsellor and in the last joint session I walked out when he made reference to how he was no longer close to his parents, referring me saying I would call the police if my MIL came too close to the children again (which, as I said above, I know was wrong and I apologised). I know it’s all my fault but I don’t know what I can do about it now. I told him yesterday that I was quite worried about how much I was thinking about killing myself, and I told him that I started thinking in detail about writing the letters and things and he just got really frustrated with me saying that it wasn’t entirely my fault. He’s very detached. I think that’s one of the things that has been getting to me the most: I wish I had married someone for whom it would be obvious that their wife and children, and the their immediate family unit was the most important thing. That’s what I thought I was signing up to when we got married. But in fact the priorities were different - I didn’t realise that that estate and tolerating abuse were more important than anything else. I’m not being dramatic here. My father in law said to me clearly that ‘all [he] cares about is the succession’.

It’s all a bit twisted as MIL and SIL have also been obviously scheming behind DH’s back so SIL can get it. It’s horrific really. The stuff of nightmares. I’m really traumatised by it. We were meant to be moving up there permanently during lockdown #1 but at the last minute DH told me the situation with his parents was even worse than I had realised and we turned on a sixpence to recover school places etc back in London within days at the start of Sept. I had a terrible terrible panic attack on the morning we left and I was shaking and tried to speak to FIL and say how sorry I was and how I knew I was a terrible person. I hadn’t eaten and was a wreck. He was in the car and drove off while I was trying to talk to him. Do you see? It’s just embarrassing and awkward that I’m here at all. I don’t think I’m mad. It makes sense.

Your in laws sound toxic and horrific. It's not your fault if THEY decide to disinherit your husband because his wife stood up to their vile behaviour. First thing I would do is go complete no contact with them for a start.
You are clearly very unhappy in your marriage. You don't say if you have considered leaving your husband? That would solve the problem above? Surely anything is better than living in a home with a nan who doesn't know whether he wants to be married to you or not.
Regarding your children - it's really really hard being a parent of SEN kids and that's not going to go away. But if you can get rid of all the baggage that your husband and in laws are piling on, then it will seem so much easier. Is there a carers charity local to you who could help you get some respite care?
You need to start making a plan for a fresh start, not the other sort of plan that you mentioned.
Surround yourself with positive people (not the arseholes that are your husband and his family)

Support in RL: I have some really amazing friends. I have spoken to two today on the phone (one of them - one of my bridesmaids and oldest friends - who asked to speak to DH and told him that she was there for him but that she was worried about me and just to give me a hug). My parents have said to come home any time with the children but they are 2 hours drive away, and it would break every Covid rule and DS2 has been at nursery. So I have really good people in my life but within my actual household I feel very alone with the children. I frequently just cry and my husband is fully aware of it but just ignores it - either because he doesn’t know what to do or because he doesn’t care. Maybe both.

What to do about the marriage: I really don’t want a divorce. I couldn’t bear to miss seeing the children every day. As I said, moments like seeing the children when they wake up or if they hug me or if they smile or whatever are what I live for (obviously I’d rather not have to deal with potty training, meltdowns, the bickering etc etc but i love them). I managed to persuade my husband to do couples counselling and we both love our counsellor. She is working through a lot of issues relating to his upbringing and parents and says he has attachment trauma and various other things and is trying to ‘translate’ him to me. She thinks he is a good person but incapable of expressing affection and very damaged. But it feels like he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to be on my own. I was so so so happy when we got together. We’d been friends for five years before we got together (met at work). He is well-liked and is capable of being very kind - even to me historically. But now I think he’s just fed up of me.

Please try to believe me when I say this OP - you are not the problem. I know you may think that because you've been gaslighted and manipulated into thinking that, but one day you will look back on this and shake your head in disbelief at these people.
They sound like your typical middle aged couple who live life on their high horse and have never been told "no" in their lives.
Try to imagine what a calm and peaceful life you could have if you just decided never to have anything to do with them again.

Hi, sorry you are having a tough time. You say that the DC like it in Scotland. Is there enough money in the family to hire a nanny? So that your DH and DC can go up there and you spend your time between London, work and the DC - concentrating on yourself and getting yourself well?
It doesn't sound as if you should spend any time around your MIL. Only you and your DH know if your MIL is a risk for your DC to be around. Sorry if I missed anything obvious in the thread.
Apart from that, you must believe that your family, friends and children love you and need you. It's your illness making you think these thoughts, not you. On top of a terrible year with Covid. Time to let go of the past. Not dwell on recent events and instead make fresh plans. Getting additional childcare help at home or in Scotland could be a good start.

janlevinson: in my bolder moments (and I have managed a few), I can recognise that they are horrendous people. My MIL in particular is infamous and incredibly rude. Everyone either hates her or laughs at her because she’s so ridiculously awful. Life without them would be bliss, but the problem is the impact they have had on my husband: chronic depression, anger, controlling behaviour, inability to express himself. It’s difficult to live with. It feels like it’s got worse but then before we had the children we didn’t have too many testing situations to deal with. I could just about deal with him on my own, but the constant fear (nightmare) is that he will treat our children in the same way his parents treated him. DH worries about it himself. He told our counsellor that he saw aspects of his father in himself. I find it frightening.

I'm sorry if I've got this wrong but did you say
You told your GP on Friday that you would be better off dead and she prescribed you Diazepam.

In the past, I told a healthcare professional that I wanted to die. She immediately informed a GP who in turn informed the Mental Health Team in my Area.
I think you need to speak to your GP again urgently.

I know you are going for couples counselling, but have you considered going for counselling on your own? You have had to deal with a lot of very difficult situations all at the same time.
It's no good worrying about your husband and whether or not he's going to turn into his father - he is the only one who can do anything about that. You need to focus on yourself, your values and what is important to you in life. Think really long and hard about how you would feel if everyone became friends and your husband suddenly "reinherited" the estate. Is living in your in laws pockets really how you see yourself in 5, 10 years time? How close will you be to your support network if it all goes tits up? Something to consider....

Please hang in there - your babas need you way more than your brain is making you think!! I promise things will get better, I've been there - antidepressants and therapy help lift the fog.

Sorry i can't be more helpful specifically, but had to just comment that things will get better, please take care xxx

A good mother will always worry whether or not she is a good mother. A bad mother will simply not care. You are without a doubt an excellent, albeit exhausted and unsupported, mother and exactly who your children want and need in their life; you are their whole world no matter what you might think today at this lowest point. All they want is for you to stay here with them. If you feel like they are better off without you, you're not thinking clearly - you would instead be leaving a terrible irrepairable hole in their lives. Please - for their sakes, put those thoughts aside now. Seek urgent help from the links posted above, find someone to talk to and instead of planning letters, start planning your escape from this crazy family situation. You owe your mad in-laws nothing, and certainly not your life. And if your DH is not able to offer you the support and understanding you need right now, as he quite obviously isn't, then a separation may well give you the new perspective on life you so desperately need.
You need to be proud of what you alone have achieved and what you are capable of. As long as there is air in your lungs, you can change your destiny; God doesn't make mistakes. Someone we just need a little more time to see his whole plan.

@cobaltblue27 I hope you're ok this evening OP x

Forget about the inheritance - otherwise it will drive you nuts. Try to develop a narrative in your head where it doesn't exist and therefore isn't an issue; easier said than done, I know.

My parents always said their (reasonable) estate would always be split 50/50 between my brother and I. Fast forward and my mother's will has been left entirely to my brother - with a token to me as long as I don't contest it (assuming she outlived my father which she didn't). I have no doubt my father's will is along similar lines. My brother has played a very, very long and duplicitous game with two people he despises - I hope he has to carry on until my father uses up the entire estate.

Whatever you do, don't dance to her/their tune; either forge a closer relationship with your DH against them or make your own life free of all of them. Either way you are NOT a bad person.

Thanks for your messages. It all took a turn for the worse this afternoon. I’m home now and hospital has put me in touch with the local crisis team. They can’t fix any of the ‘externalities’ as they call them but at least will have some more people looking out for me. My mother is staying tonight as well.

Sarahlou: I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. It is so horribly upsetting seeing siblings played off against each other, or indeed actively playing off against each other. I find it abhorrent. DH’s sister has been mounting her campaign from her end. It’s grotesque.