So what would you do? Feeling like I need the wisdom of Soloman

[Wills]

I've posted on "Feeling Low" because I'm overdosing on stress at the moment. So much so that I've not posted anything before because my feelings are overwhelming me and I just don't know where to start. I'm on anti-depressants but they're not really helping and my GP's view is that I have too much stress in my life and that to expect them to work would be asking for miracles! I've lost 16 pounds in the last 5 weeks and am struggling with eating.

Anyway I'll try to do this briefly so I can get as quickly as possible to the bit where I could do with people's opinions.

I have three bad areas in my life

1. I have returned to work after my maternity leave and they are actively trying to get me to leave or if that doesn't work make me redundant.
2. My dh has just discovered that his cancer has returned. We don't know how bad but the consultants letter sound ominous.
3. My mother. Some of you may know about this but basically my mother is a control freak and stunningly needy. She can't cope with the fact that I've taken control of my own life at long last (at 35 its about bloody time too) and is bombarding me with emails that are either begging (rarely) or mainly threatening. She uses her husband (my step father) to make threatening phone calls to me, things like "You're killing your mother". Or her to me at dd2's birthday - "I may die next year so you have to spend Christmas with us because this might be my last"(I've heard this line for many years). I've been seeing a counsellor who is fantastic and who happens to know my mother from previous attempts in the past and even counselled my mother for a while. She agrees with me that my mother is unlikely to suddenly see the light and realise that what she is doing is wrong. She is helping me to focus on "re-training her". The problem is that I don't feel able to cope with her anymore. I just want her to go away. She keeps threatening to do this but I know she wont because she needs me too much. She knows about dh's cancer - she sent me a stinking email on the day he had his checkup telling me I was a disgusting daughter. I really can't cope with this much more I need time to focus on my dh and my dds (dd1 is showing distinct signs of stress and is picking up what is going on but at age 4 how can I explain any of it). I've started ignoring her calls on my mobile cos she phones when I'm at work which is also highly stressful but am having difficulties at home because dd1 has taken to running to the phone.

Anyway I could go on but hopefully you've got a basic picture. Yesterday she (dm) offered to go to my counsellor for mediation. She hasn't realised that I've been seeing this counsellor for some time now. I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to say "look, just go away until March next year" but another part of me thinks that she's my mum and that I should strive to keep the door open. Its just that at the moment I'm finding it difficult to get out the door some mornings I feel so black and sessions with her are unlikely to help. I'm not convinced that mediation will help. As I indicated above I'm not convinced that my mum is all there. She was very badly emotionally and physically abused as a child and I think this has left a permanent scar. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Gosh and I thought my mum was bad!!
I really don't have an answer. but maybe you could write your mum a letter explaining what is going on and how you feel. She really shouldn't use emotional blackmail on you but unfortuatly its all part of her insecurity. I get the feeling that she's afraid to let you go incase you don't come back, so maybe you could point out to her that the way she's behaving is driving you away. Don't know about work-is there a union rep you can go to? My heart goes out to you about your dh too, I work in a hospice and I see how stressful it is to have a loved one suffering from cancer. Don't think I've been very helpful but I wanted to try! Take care.

If I were you - to cut down on stress immediately - I would change my home phone number and e-mail address. At the same time write her a letter explaining you've done this and why. Perhaps you could also tell her that you'll phone once a week to keep in touch.

That bit was about your mum. Re work - what about seeing an employment lawyer/ citixens' advice or like mumwithnoname said, union rep. Really sorry to hear about your dh .

citizens', even

Argh! big hugs to you, and I thought I was momentarily stressed earlier, you've put my life back in perspective...

Work cannot just get rid of you. First read your contract and ascertain exactly what they are trying to do to you and where that relates to your contract. As you've been off on maternity they certainly can't 'do' you for that, and to get rid of you they certainly will need to do the 1 verbal, 2 written warnings line, unless they can get you on gross missconduct, which I doubt very much.
As stated previously if there is a union about get them involved, and make sure either way, that you take in a diary and write down every little incident, date and time that you have any bother at work (be assured they'll be doing the same) www.adviceguide.org.uk will take you to the CAB online for info, or there's DTi.gov, or tiger.gov.uk (I think off the top of my head to help) There is also workingfamilies.org.uk who may have good advice?

Sorry to hear the bad news about DH, lets hope it gets sorted soon, a friend of mine has beaten the big C twice now (and is still smoking?! Men eh!) so go gettem girl,

As for advice re your mother, I'm not at all qualified to help, but I agree with the letter idea, It may help, and for me personally, writing helps me feel better, even if it does nothing for the person on the receiving end, at least you tried, you cannot be responsible for someone elses past, even if it is your mother, that's for her to deal with (harsh but true) you owe it to yourself and your family to look to the future, forward and positive.
a ditty for you
Life, the passing of days, the parting of ways, tears, laughter, anger, sadness, in fact you could say its all total MADNESS

Wills I'm so sorry things haven't got any better with your mother. I really do think that it is time for you to completely cut her out of your life. Bar calls to your phones from her numbers, route her e-mails straight to your trash and just completely ignore her. I know that sounds harsh, but I do think it is necessary. A mothers job is to support her children. She is not doing that. She is actively trying to make your life more difficult, and you don't need that, especially now.
Cutting her out of your life needn't be forever. I didn't speak to my mum for 4 years, but everything is OK now (well, most of the time) I do think that your mum, like mine, needs you to take this drastic action to forse her to face up to her behaviour.

wills, you have such a load on you. it sounds like you know what your priorities are, and so right.

have nothing at all useful to add except, could you get your home phone out of dd1's reach?? maybe on the wall like phones used to be many years ago? then at least that's one small way you can protect yourself and your family from additional stress.

sorry if this is pathetically tiny - changing your number much more effective and probably easier. many thoughts coming your way.

Wills [big hug], so sorry to hear about your dh. I dont know background about your mum, but I too think the letter idea is good - if she normally doesn't listen, but talks over you, she wont be able to do this with a letter and she can read and re-read it.

Thank you so much for your responses, when you're down for some reason you also seem to be burdened with extra sensitivity and I was really worried no-one would respond.

Mumwithnoname, the letter idea is good my only concern would be her ability to interpret things that are not there, but as she does that with emails already it would certainly be no worse.

Avalon, the problem I have with changing my phone number and email address is the awful hassel of ensuring those that I want to be able to contact me know the new one. But although a hurdle its not impossible.

Frizbe, in an attempt to keep my post at reasonable levels on not move onto essay size or worse multiple books I kept it as brief as pos. Its got to the stage at work where I've had to start talking to an employment Law Solicitor and with his help am writing letters and starting Grievances. I work in the investment banking world and there are many bastards there and unfortunately my boss is one of them. I feel like I'm having to fight on all fronts and I feel knackered from simply thinking somedays.

acnebride - can't believe I didn't think of that, what a good idea. Thank you.

Prufrock, you're right I know but I find it frightening, somewhere inside I keep hoping that she'll miraculously turn into the mum I always wanted her to be. She's very much like a child - and a child can be an awful lot of fun to be with but are crap at support.

All - unfortunately I've had more bad news this evening. Have just finished talking to my dh's consultant on the phone. It appears that his cancer is the highest aggression level and needs to be dealt with asap by either cutting the bladder out or chemotherapy. On a good note they are still hopeful that it has not got into the bloodstream and therefore are fairly positive that there is nothing lurking elsewhere. But they cannot say that if they manage to treat it successfully that it will not come back again, in fact it sounded more like when it comes back again..... He wants second opinions and after he gets those we will travel down to meet him and have a face to face conversation.

Have eaten little but have drunk two glasses of wine and am heading to bath and bed. Thanks for listening guys it feels good to have talked. Please keep the views coming, they do help.

You need to cut your mum out of your life for at least the time being and concentrate on dh and your children. She has a partner so is not completely alone and your immediate family needs you more at this moment in time. I do hope your dh's outcome is good . Lots of hugs for you and your family xxx

Wills I DO know how difficult it is, really I do. But she's never going to be the mother you want her to be. She might, at some point turn into a mother you can bear to have in your life, but you really do have to give yourself a big kick up the jacksy and tell yourself to start living for you, your children and your dh, not for your mum. You know that you would not countenance her behaviour from a friend, so why put up with it from the person who is meant to give you more than anyone? You can't change her. You can change your reaction to her and the effect she has on your life. (Do I sound like your counsellor here?)
She acts like a child, so treat her like one. f your dd was continually misbehaving in an attempt to get chocolate would you
a) completely ignore her bad behaviour
b) give her crisps instead
c) give her chocolate
You've moved on from C. and KNOW the answer is a, but seem to have got stuck on b.

It won't be easy, especially with all else you have to deal with. But it is the right thing to do, and once you've made the decision it will feel a lot easier. If you want to talk it over with somebody whose BTDT, but is also divorced from the actual situation then feel free to CAT me.

And I'm so sorry about dh.

Wills, you really need to concentrate on yourself, the children and your husband at the moment. If I were advising you, I would say to explain that to your mother, in whatever medium you think she is most likely to get to the end of (i.e. if you think she will put the phone down, then email etc). Then, I think that if she still puts this level of stress on you, withdraw yourself from her emotional level. Sure, be there for birthdays, christmases etc, or if she really (and I mean really) needed you to be there for some physical reason. But you have got to think about yourself here. Hopefully your dh will get through this cancer, but it will be tough for you and for him the next few months, and you have got to be there for him and you. You are not really in a position to offer your mum the emotional support she demands as well. If it was financial it would be easier to look at - you are in the equivalent of a position where all your money is tied up, and she is demanding a loan of money you do not have.

I've been thinking of you this last week - I hope you're ok. xxx

Wills, have been keeping up to date with this the past few days, but havent posted as I didnt have any more advice to offer after all the words of wisdom from the others (Solomon take your hat off!). Just to let you know I am thinking about you and your hubby, and hope everything is resolved soon. Are you ok today?

Wills - nothing really to add to all the advice here - you do need to get your mum out of your life (for now)...it isn't an identical situation, but several years ago my mum had cancer which had to be operated on, my dad went to pieces and was totally useless and totally needy. In the end my mum was blunt and told him he either pulled himself togther and supported HER rather than expecting her to support him, or he got out because she couldn't cope with everything that was happening. Think perhaps it's a similar wake up call. These are my priorities, either support me, or leave me alone; she is your mother, not your child!

So sorry to read of your DH's illness Wills - hopefully you will get expert support from the professionals caring for you and are able to make a decision regarding further treatment.

In your original post you asked about your mother going to your counsellor to meet for mediation. I personally think that ywould be a good thing to do because through that session (and probably further ones) she will have to discuss her behaviours and it may well be beneficial for her to recognise with an outsider that she is totally unreasonable.

Mediation does not mean that you will live happily ever after. A good friend of mine went to mediation with her DH when her marriage split up. The aim was to be able to get them to communicate effectively for the sake of the children. It was not to get them back together as a couple. Her DH was amazed at himself when he had to confront his behaviours during their sessions. It was also identified he needed individual counselling and anger management which he agreed.
By going to mediation, your mother may the realise the problem is with her. The outcome may be that she leaves you alone. Who knows. Just thought it was a thing you should consider.

I think that I might put Mum on "hold" for a while whilst I focus on the more important issues but return to the mediation idea when I'm ready (feel strong enough) to deal with her issues and stand firm.

Its weird, you'd think given yesterday's news about my husband that I would be grey and crying but at the moment I just feel numb. I know that the pain and fear will come but at the moment I feel nothing.

Thank you for all your messages they are really wonderful and are helping me loads

oh wills, i have no gems of wisdom, just lots of friendly thoughts coming your way and you are of course absolutely right to put your mum on hold and concentrate on dh and dds, xxxxxxxxx

Oh honey. I am so very sorry. Yes, mum on hold.

The Equal Opportunities Commission might be worth a ring, if you can face it.

Love and hugs.

Hello Wills, I have only skimmed through your thread but wanted to add my support. I agree that you have to minimise contact with your mum. I can see how you would feel that if she 'isn't all there' then her nastiness may not be deliberate but whether it is or not you are in no fit state to try and cope with it at the moment. Your primary concerns should be yourself and your immediate family and don't let anyone tell you different. Your mother has her husband to give her support.

I would be inclined to follow the advice given about legal matters concerning your job and then try to focus on yourself and your dh. If your mother takes up your attention while you dh is undergoing his treatment you will feel terribly guilty and you don't need that on top of everything else. I am sure supporting him is what you want to spend your time and energy on, so do. If your mum can't understand that then she is cruel indeed.

I hope you can still come to our meet-up soon as you sound like you could do with a break from it all.

Lots of love xxx

Zinger of a post, Prufrock! Just brilliant. Have you thought about counselling as a career? I'm going to cut and paste your little checklist for dealing with bothersome adults in my life.
Wills, just seen this. Very sorry to hear that dh's cancer has come back aggressively this time, sending you warm and hopeful vibes that it has not got into his bloodstream.
As for your mother...you have had lots of good advice here, hope what I'm about to say is not unwelcome. I'm a tad concerned about using your current counsellor as a mediator between your mother and you. I know your mother suggested it unaware that you are seeing this counsellor yourself, but my experience of counselling is that it has to be YOUR OWN space unless two adults with a counselling issue to explore sign up at the same time both knowing that the counsellor does not have a professional history with them. Your counsellor sounds great, I'm not criticising her, but however attractive mediation sounds, find a new counsellor for both of you to explore that route when and if you feel ready.
I'd be inclined to start by trashing your mother's e-mails and changing your mobile and landline numbers for starters though. Change your locks too if she has keys to your house.
All mothers bring their own experiences of being mothered with them, none of us can help it. It still does not give your mother any right to treat you like this at a time when what you need is love and support. I think you know that you have to make one last effort and cut her out of your life for now. As Prufrock says, it isn't necessarily the end of your relationship. Please take care of yourself in all this.

Wills,you know you are doing absolutely the right thing at work - in my experience, the words 'sex discrimination' tend to to frighten employers senseless so maybe it is time to start thinking about letting your employers know that you fell like a victim of sex discrimination at work. Have a word with your lawyer and/or the EOC as MI suggests - but I think with sex discrimination, you can make a claim against the organisation as a whole and individuals. So,for example if your bosshas been provided with adequate equal opps training but has chosen to discriminate against you, he will still be held liable in a tribunal and an award can be make against him personally as well as or instead of against the organisation that employs you. If that makes no sense, feel free to CAT me and I will try to explain.

I am so sorry about your husband's diagnosis and am not at all surprised that you are simply in shock - as others have said, maybe ignoring your mum for a bit is what you need to do right now. Can you block e-mails from particular addresses?

Wills
{{{{{hugs}}}}}

In my prayers- hope it helps (not a religious nutter-honest!)