Cant go on anymore

[Llh1979]

I started citalopram on monday was ok for 4 days now I'm at an all time low I've had 2 hours sleep even diazepam didnt help I'm sick with stomach ache and headache I just want to end it all
This is my 2nd reaction to SSRIs they are just not for me I'm constantly clenching my jaw its hurting I'm hurting I just wanted to be well but nothing seems to be helping I cant go on like this
I've 3 beautiful children but cant be a mum to them like this there is no point anymore
Mental health you have destroyed me
Thanks to everyone for your support on my last post I hope you all find the peace you need

((((HUG))))

I've heard a lot of people say AD's make them feel worse before they feel better.

Do you have a DH/DP or are you a single mum to them? How old are they?

You ARE their Mum, you are the only Mum they'll ever have and they love you.

You WANT to be well, you need to let the AD's do their thing.

January is a grey dismal month for many without a pandemic/lockdown/homeschooling. Spring is on the way, daffodils are poking their heads out -bit foolish given the weather forecast!! But they do it every year.

Xx

I have a DH but hes getting fed up of me my children are 20 l(eft home) 12 and 10
I get the whole they can make you worse before they make you better but surely not to this extent I have no1 to talk to my sister tells me its mind over matter and I'll end up getting locked up if I carry on so I cant see the point in carrying on
I'm so sad x

I’ve been where you are right now. Please hang on in there, it WILL get better. The awful side effects will fade and the benefits will kick in, give it a little longer. Please speak to someone today if you need help. There are links & telephone numbers on this link. Your sister doesn’t understand so, with that kind of advice, will just make you feel worse. I hope things improve for you soon
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

I've just rang the crisis line I dont know if I can continue with the tablets i need to sleep

@Flowerythoughts have you had these side effects how long did they last

They can make you feel worse before you get better so know that, although things feel desperate now, this will be short lived and things will improve. Side effects probably lasted a couple of weeks at most. What time do you take it? Taking it early in the morning can help with the sleep issue. The benefits far outweighed the initial side effects for me tbh.

www.nhs.uk/medicines/citalopram/

Could you maybe download an app and go and lie down to do some focused breathing or mindfulness to relax. Take things hour by hour. This has a quick relax, so you can just do it for 5 mins, it tells you when to breathe in, to hold & release. Just focusing on something & slowing down can calm the mind and stop everything in your head becoming too much.
itunes.apple.com/us/app/relax-stress-anxiety-relief/id408784780?mt=8&uo=4

Or this, it’s free. It actually slows the heart rate. I’ve never watched the video, just lay down and played it with my eyes closed. It’s very calming.

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/relaxing-song-best-weightless-marconi-union-youtube-surgery-anxiety-a9011971.html

Is your sister telling you you’ll “get locked up if you carry on like you are“? That’s not true. Even if you wanted to be admitted to hospital it would be hard to get a place. It does sound like you haven’t got supportive family, which makes it harder. Keep talking on here and to crisis lines.

@SparklingLime shes had another go at me this morning telling me how selfish I am and to snap out of it I wish it was that easy
@flowerythoughts thank you I'll take a look

I’d suggest you cut contact down to an absolute minimum with her, @Llh1979. Being spoken to like that is unacceptable and damaging. Do you have to have any contact with her?

@SparklingLime shes my only sibling shes very straight laced and doesnt believe in mental health it must be so easy having a perfect life she contacts me everyday as obviously see cant vist me due to covid and I'm sick of lying to her about how I'm feeling like I'm ashamed of it

You do need to protect yourself from other people’s negative behaviour though, @Llh1979. Being criticised by your sister every day is damaging. She obviously has issues herself.

It’s worth reading these links about how to help a relative with MH/depression and then texting them to her. They are short and clear:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/signs-someone-is-depressed/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/for-friends-and-family/

Then she can’t claim she doesn’t understand.

@SparklingLime thank you x

And info for helping with anxiety:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/for-friends-family/

www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/what-can-you-do-help-someone-anxiety-or-depression

See which feels right to you.

I pray that the crisis team step in and help you soon .

My mum had several reactions to SSRI’s and the worst 1 that I seen was with the new ones you have been prescribed.
She tried several times to end her life 4 days into taking them and ended up having to get moved to hospital for her own safety I was only in my early teens and I am in early 30’s now but can remember it so clear.
All medications have different reactions to everyone and she has after many many years of ups and downs, self harming and failed suicide attempts finally got the 1 that actual helps her daily.
Please do not give up hope and I know that your in a dark tunnel at the moment but believe me there is light at the end it’s just shit that we don’t have a magic wand to help you get there sooner because inside your own head with your thoughts at times can be a very scary ass place for sure.

We are all here always and please don’t think that anyone is better off without you because that is your illness talking I am sure of you spoke to your family they would disagree with it!

Please take care and sending you healing hugs 🤗

This is possibly of no help, but so many people are feeling like this. Part of this ghastly situation......depression......is you feel so utterly alone.

Lets take a step back here.
You recognise you are unwell and sensibly and bravely you are trying to make things better
You have 2 dependent children, you are trying your very best to care for.

What else could you actually do? Nothing. So bloody well done for achieving those 2 things.

Just wanted to say that I think you're doing brilliantly. You have got some medication, you have reached out on here for support and you are looking at the links that people have given you. That demonstrates courage, wisdom and selflessness. I admire you for it. I cannot offer advice, your meds are different to mine, but I would like you to know that this stranger is willing you onwards.

I wonder if your sibling "doesn't believe" in physical health either.

Rubbish, if she broke both arms, would she not believe in pain, in getting help??????

I couldn't cope with SSRIs for the short time I took them (I tried two and felt way worse) so I tried mirtazapine which is a different type of anti depressant and it was much better.
I'm not saying you should try that but look into alternatives and speak to your doctor about non - SSRIs.

Hello @Llh1979 we're so sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

We can see you're getting great support on this thread, but we're also adding a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thank you all ❤
The doctor did offer mirtazapine but because it acts as a sedative aswell I cant have it as my husband usually works away so need to be alert for the kids
I think covid is playing a massive part in my anxiety and depression as my eldest works on the covid ward at the local hospital and got covid back in November while still living at home so it was an extremely hard time of keeping her well and everyone else safe we had to have the paramedics out to her plus everything that could go wrong did in the 2 weeks of being grounded with her
I'm hoping this set back is just the side effects of starting news meds I'm going to give them another week and if they dont settle I'll ask for something else I had a bad reaction to sertraline at the beginning of December
I know deep down i dont want to do anything that would cause pain to my family but I just cant cope feeling like this it makes me so sad
We are also going through a police investigation concerning my 12 year old and the person involved keeps getting rebailed while they gather evidence and that's played a massive part of all this as I feel i failed him as a mum
I've even had thoughts of ringing the police and asking them to drop the case just so that we have closure but then if it happened to another child I'd never forgive myself
it's just all getting to much
Thank you again to everyone

This is starting to make more sense now.What you are describing is trauma and further on going trauma.A very basic thing,is could you get an A4 diary and just write a few words in for each day?

@randomer I've been keeping a diary it makes very dark reading somedays but I've noticed today its 3 weeks since I last felt like this i dont seem to write on good days

Mirtazepine doesn't sedate you to the point where you won't wake up for kids. I have an AD that is known for being sedating but I still wake when I hear one of the dogs get up or if they touch me.

I think you need to drop the SSRIs as they clearly aren't helping matters. I cant take them either but there are other options.

The journaling is a good thing and it's quite normal to only write on bad days. I do much the same, its a purging of feelings and I don't feel the need to do that in good days. I never date entries either.

Could you afford some counselling to give you someone to talk to who isn't a cold-hearted bitch? I know I wouldn't have coped without my counsellor, he has literally been my lifeline the last year.

Your sister needs a slap. I'm sorry OP but she doesn't sound kind or supportive at all and frankly I think you should tell her to get to fuck.

I find all this gratitude stuff a bit cringy tbh but if I experience a brighter moment or two, I try just to note it down.

Yes, find a good registered therapist. Good idea.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut shes a very my life is perfect person and very I'm better than you I try not to tell her how I'm feeling but sometimes it just comes out she said I'm going to give my children MH problems she is very cold hearted always has been
It's a shame because we used to be so close were twins
I'm going to give the tablets another week and if no change then I'll ask for an SSNI I've a telephone call with the gp on monday so hopefully he will have some advice as this cant continue I reached out to the crisis team this morning but all they said was keep on with the meds 🤷‍♀️ I date mine so hopefully 1 day I can see how far I've come