Frightening loss of control - please help

[frightened]

I'm a regular poster but have changed my name for this embarrassing post.

I don't know what to do from here or whether there may be something wrong with me mentally.

I'll try to explain. Dh and I have never had a great relationship - at good times its ok and we have a reasonably light hearted existance together but no great closeness emotionally ( we've always seen things differntly - a sort of man/woman different approach to issues magnified 1000%) and at bad times horrible fights and long periods of not speaking to eachtoerh.

If truth be told we'd probably not still be together if we didn't have kids but we do and we're both committed to eachother very solidly for primarily that reason ( dh would also say that he loves me etc and that he wouldn't stay iwth me just for the kids - my feeling is probably different).

My primary issue is always that I don't think he's much of a dad - he's always busy for other people or sleeping ( he gets up early each day but, hey, so do I!!) and as the kids have got older and more of them ( we have a big family) I've felt the strain of trying to keep on top of their arrangemnts ( homeowrk, friends round, parties etc) more and more. My kids are very lively and border sometimes on the disobedient. Like any kdis, a whole day of running around can sometimes result in bad tempers and frayed nerves ( on my part and theirs).

Often by bedtime things are fraught ( dh usually doesn't help with bedtimes very much).

Last sunday was a differnt story entirely however.

I had a particualrly trying day running around with the baby and the kids taking them to and from parties and social arrangments whilst trying to facilitate baby's feed and sleep times ( not much help from dh).

My ds played up constantly and my little dd tantrumed on an doff all day. To cut a long story short it was the day from hell. What was different was my reacitons.

By the time bed time came I was so desparate not to see my kids again till morning that I began shouting and the mroe I shouted the mroe they refused to settle and wanted drinks, toilet , dummies etc. As the befrooms are in close proximity they were all disturbing eachtoerh and then began to cry and fight beacuase none of them could go off to sleep due to the screams of the other. It beccame a vicious circle.

I hit my eldest daughter when she refused to go downstairs to get a bottle for the middle dd and ds then hid dd's dummy. Dd had a screaming tantrum and flung soemthing at ds . They began fighting and i hit them both. They all went to bed crying.

Dh then had the bloody cheek to tell me to calm down. He had planned a bbq for bvisiting family that night and baby wouldn't sleep so I coudln't help. I was stuck up in the dark bedfroom with baby trying to get her down for one hour. Dh came up to moan about why I wasn't dressed and down with every oen else and i exploded.

Totally exploded. I began to scream like a complete maniac. No sounds came out of my mouth - just a complete shriek over and over again. Dh kept shouting "shut up, shut up!" and i scremed louder and louder. I told him I hated him and wished he were dead ( and I did). I told him I hated being a mum and was going to leave the next morning ( I honestly felt that I was). he told me to leav and left the room with the baby.

Later he came back and asked me if I'd calemd down yet. He wanted and deamneded an apology for "how I'd behaved". FFS!!!! He wasn't at all concerned at my feelings of desparation or of sanity slipping through my fingers just that I'd crossed the line and he no longer thought I was sane..

Maybe I'm not , I don't know.

Go and see your GP immediately. This is clinical depression. Sorry your dh is so unhelpful, some people just do not understand this at all.

Your GP should not be judgmental - his or her job is to restore you to health not to make your like even harder, so don't be afraid. You are entitled to treatment.

I hope you can find just what you need to find your real self again. xxx

big hug to you. i understand

Gosh, you're normal you know, to be affected by several children being tired and hard work and demanding and your dh being hard work and unsupportive and demanding. It doesn't sound as if he was much help, but you know that. IMO he should have been helping you sort the children out and it's not surprising you felt the strain on Sunday. Sorry you're feeling so awful but I don't think it's embarrassing to feel like this, fwiw. Have you told your dh what you want and need (i.e. help and support) and how did he react?

And I agree, go and see your gp who can tell you if it is clinical depression or not. It may not be, maybe you will feel better if circumstances change and you get more help, support and understanding.

my first reaction wasn't that you have clinical depression, just that you reacted in quite a normal way to an abnormal load of pressure. but do get an appt to talk it through with someone neutral, if it's with a gp get a double appt so you're not worrying about time.

Please understand that you are NOT abnormal in any way, just suffering greatly with stress, tiredness and lack of support. Please go and see your GP or chat to your health visitor who should be keeping an eye on you anyway.

I only have 2 children and there have been times when I have wanted to lock them both in a darkened room and throw away the key and then go and take it all out on my unhelpful DP. You are not alone and we are here for you.

Dear frightened,

I am sorry to hear about your experience. I really think your dh has a lot to answer for. The job of being a mum to young kiddies and keeping track of everything is incredibly stressful especially if you are getting minimal help. You cannot go on like this, you are obviously exhausted and emotionally drained. However, this does not mean you are going insane.

You need to have a serious talk to your dh about what he is willing to help with. If not the children then at least a fair share of housework and other tasks. You guys need to discuss your relationship as well, what needs to change to make you happier?

I hope things get better soon

I don't really think its depression although maybe it could be. I think it was just a total loss of control due to a very stressful day. Trouble is i'm losing control more and more easily - I always seem to be shouting and screaming. The screaming and screaming bit where i didn't seem able to stop was the frightening bit. I actually saw red ( in the true meaning of the word) and if it wasn't for baby on my lap i think I have actually attacked dh physically. Heaven knows where that would have ended up...

You sound very like me when my daughter was a few weeks old and I wasn't coping with the lack of sleep, and I was phsically and emotionally exhausted. I was also suffering with clinical depression, but didn't realise until much later, and was only treated recently. Whether you have depression or not, you are under great stress, and something has to give. I was lucky in that my husband was very supportive of me, although he didn't completely understand how I was feeling, and I would suggest that you need to sit your husband down and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need from him.

It does sound to me as if there may be some PND there, and I would suggest you see your GP or your HV to discuss this and find some help.

I hope that you can find the support you need.

frightened, how much time do you get to yourself? have you read any of steve biddulph's secrets of happy children (and more secrets..)? there are some good strategies in there re: not shouting and cultivating good parenting techniques (though i think some of his ideas about childcare are bonkers ) and also being kind to yourself pretty near to the top of the list of how to be a good parent.

you sound normal but stressed it may be you need some tiem for you or it may be depression. Either way something is very wrong if you are losing control more often- perhaps you should go to your gp or hv and say that you are struggling this may be a good source of help especially if you h is being less than understanding

Time for myself is very sorely lacking - there literally isn't any. I'm 4 stone overweight and never take pride in my appearance any more - can't remember the last time I had my hair cut or my nails done - my stomach is huge and my dh is always going on at me to lose weight. Just can't though.

Agree that something is giong badly wrong if I'm losing control more and more often and quicker and quicker - do you think that more time to myself might help? I try and have long bubbly baths in the evening to relax.

Never feel com[pletely relaxed though - most of the time I feel like a coiled spring.

Would your husband (or anyone else, for that matter) have the children even for just an hour, say on a Saturday morning so that you can mooch round the shops, go for a walk, get your hair cut? (And if not, why not!). You really do need some time to yourself.

time to yourself may help you evaluate what is wrong an dtehn you will be able to plan wht to do to make it right make time for yuorself is important to everyone's wellbeing

frightened, i do think that time for yourself would help. I am lucky enough to be able to put my dd in nursery one day a week to do a course. It gives me time to put things into prespective especially if i have had a really busy and stressful week. And being able to even just sit on a train alone makes me remember the person behind the mum! Don't get me wrong i love being a mum but the time i have off is nice too! Everyone needs time out, the fact you feel like a coiled spring speaks volumes. DH and you need to negotiate a different schedule, a fairer schedule, he needs to allow you a regular time out, and in return he will have a happier you and a happier family.

look after yourself

Dear frightened - hope you're ok. Seems like a normal reaction to overload stress & responsibility. Sounds like you shoulder the childcare jobs - could dh give you some days when he's in charge of everything and does everything and you can sleep and just rest. It sounds like you have no time to be you and do things for your own well being. You exist for yourself as well as your family - both aspects need to be in balance. Best wishes.

Der frightened. i threw a bowl of soup and a cheese sandwich across my kitchen last night. Then i screamed that I hated my partner and wished he would die. Then I ran out of the house {covered in soup} and I only have one child, he was asleep, and nothing special was organized.
You only have so much patience, and it is too much for your dh to critasize you when he hasn't helped you. I know how it feels to stand and sob and scream will rage and frustration. This does not make you fit for the nuthouse. It means you are sane, but dealing with an insane situation. Tell dh that you MUST have more help. Its horrible that he expects you to do everything yourself. Go on strike!

www.homestart.org.uk/ were formed to help with things like this?

homestart

Just wanted to add my support frightened. I really feel for you hun. You need to demand time for yourself, first port of call being GP. I agree with whoever said get a double appointment so you have more time to talk.

Are there any Mners near to you who you could meet up with? Or any close friends/family that will help out with the kids so you can start pampering yourself a bit?

((((hugs))))

Hi frightened - I experienced a meltdown just like this (yours was more impressive though ) last week. Its an awful feeling isnt it. I renamed myself Flipped my lid - cos i felt like a lid on my head had opened and a whole bundle of anger came pouring out - IYKWIM - It was frightening - I stood in the middle of the room and basically had a temper tantrum - was really shocked at myself.

Cant think what else to say except - I have meltdowns too - {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

i do screaming a lot - did it a lot more when the kids were little. now, lots of people have said go to your gp - i mut admit this wasn't my first reaction - my first reaction was to ask abot yur husband. you really need to tell him to get his finger out, devise a routine where he does something with the kids - you know you do bedtime darling or i will move out and you can just pay me child support - cos lets face it am practically a one parent fking family as it is.....or something similar.#

when i was first married and my first son was 12 months old, my husband was strictly a "womens place is in the home, butter the corners of my sanwiches when you make then for work - i dont get up to feed babies - i dont change nappies kinda person.

then one day i chucked him out - i aid i couldn't cope any more - just chucked him out on his arse and told him that things would have to change - i found it way to hard looking after one baby - never mind a grown up sodding man. so he comes back groveling he learns to iron shirts, change nappies, make formula, cook a meal, butter the corner of his own sodding sandwiches use the washing machine - realises its not rocket science.

you also need to realise your limits as a mother - i do not do socialising - no sleep overs, no birthday parties, nothing which will remotley send me out of my way - why is this - well becuase i work all day and quite frankly when i get home do homework, cook ameal, wash the dishes put a load in the washing machine etc etc etc - the last thing i want to be doing is taking snotty kids to meet other snotty kids and meeting other mums with fake smiles as obvious as mine is.

so dont be running here there and everywhere - your dh should get off his arse and so some runnign around picking them up etc.

some people are comfortable staying at home with their kids - i did it for some time when they awere all babies , i felt like a brain squished monkey. who had to put this false front on that everything was fine with my marriage, that i did all the things a perfect mother should do - ofcourse i read them bedtime stories and milk drinks and hot bater bottles - a la disney mother of the fking year - but its just not me - i was like a man who wants to be a woman - i was trapped inside a body and a mind that didnt fit - so i changed.

you have got to change girl, if you let them they will walk all over you - thats hubby, kids, bosses, anyone.

What a refreshingly honest post Custardo...
I think there is a lot of falsehood and 'front' in being a mother, and depending on your tolerance levels, sometimes it all gets too much.

Frightened...
I have just had a major screaming fit with ds who ran off (for the upteenth time this morning) .. may not sound much but I too felt the anger rising, and didn't like it.
I think we some times forget that We all need a break from each other and much as I love my kids, they are the ones who also 'do my head in' like nobody else I know.
Support is crucial, use any family you have to get a break (we have next to none).. next best thing is meeting up with likeminded people who aren't going to pretend everything in the garden is rosy. (MN is good for that- even in a virtual sense.)
Keep posting...and (if it is not too trite) try and remember it won't be this pressurised forever.
Sending you lots of virtual support.

I have done similar about 4 times since having my kids and TBH its not the kids that drive me to distaction it dp. Having a bad day with the kids just enhances it.
You have cracked under the strain and the shriek was probably a good thing...letting it all out.
You need to get your dh to help more, tell him your losing the plot and if he doesnt help now he will be left with all of the children on his own while your recovering from a nervous breakdown.
Your not, but I find the thought of that usually makes my dp move his arse and help me with the kids and the house.
Big Hugs xx

Just had another thought- may be worth exploring.. PMT?
I often become dragon mother from hell a few days before I am due on....... it has definately got worse since having kids.

Im not detracting from your stress/but sometimes everything gets out of proportion, and I find (in hindsight) it is often related to my monthly period.