Why won't I go to bed

[LetMeGoohooohooho]

I have depression and the mediation (Citalopram) seems to be working well enough. I still have one major life change I need to make and I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem up do it. This has been going for years and getting worse. I am generally demotivated but I can see clearly that this is one change I need to make, and yet I'm like a child in this regard - I am rebelling and lacking discipline. What I need to do is I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Every morning I (exhausted and grumpy and feeling low) swear I'll go to bed early that night. And then, every evening I get a second wind when I get the kids to bed and get all my work done (I'm a single parent, two children under five) it's 10pm. I "relax" / celebrate by sitting on my phone for HOURS, then I read/ watch TV because I feel I deserve it, then before I know it it's 1am.......
Okay, there are not enough hours in the day.
And all parents surely have that issue.
But I feel like there is something else going on, like I'm afraid to go to bed until I'm literally falling asleep, I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts, I'm afraid of not sleeping.
I used to be a disciplined person who could make sensible choices about things like this. The tiredness is making everything worse and healthy people I mention this to, friends, are just baffled and say, go to bed, that's easy. Anyone had this or got any tips?

i'm the same so am interested in any answers you get. I just can't get my brain to switch from sitting watching tv mode into going to bed mode.

I can relate to staying up and enjoying some time in peace. Can you get a routine going? I find if I have a bath, I am often more sleepy and inclined just to go to bed. Or shower? Trick your body somehow? When I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I get that jerking awake thing (hypnic jerks?) and I do think that puts me off a bit. I wonder if some of that ASMR stuff on Youtube would help you relax, maybe on earphones in bed?

Thanks, I have tried setting out a routine for myself, like telling myself I'll go to bed at 10.30. But then I just ignore it.
Maybe I'll try writing it down (although with my depression and wfh and homeschooling the day is already very proscribed and structured and it feels off to me to have to write down what time I'll get dressed at, go to bed at.....)
I wonder about phone addiction too.
I'm scared to switch off, I have to be "on" around the clock and part of me likes that, staving off potential loneliness and boredom.
Thank you for replying

Not sure if this is helpful but I had/have this problem - it turned out to be ADHD.

Thanks Longine, food for thought and something that would never have occurred to me.

I’m the same.I think it is so peaceful and I can do as I please. If I go to sleep it will seem like no time at all until I’m up on the treadmill again.

I was going to say I am exactly as you described and it's definitely my ADHD!

Things that help though, more practically, are getting into my pyjamas and brushing my teeth really early, like 8 or 9 p.m. I guess it kind of makes it easier when I get to the stage when I know I need to go to bed, but it all seems like such hassle. I have my phone set to turn off wifi and data at 9 p.m. I also turn the TV off then and do something like reading or drawing or knitting - anything that is relaxing. I know screens are so bad and I have FOMO if I get onto to my phone at that time of night I just can't stop looking stuff up in case I miss something.

Something that is really difficult to do, but really helps is switch the day around, i.e. could you get up really early to do some work in the morning so that you are finished earlier. I know that's not possible for everyone, but then "your time" starts earlier and it's easier to wind down.

Also, another that is easy to say, so hard to do, is to try and get some exercise as being physically exhausted helps me so much. I usually trick myself into going for a walk/run at lunchtime for "just ten minutes" and then I most often stay out for longer as I'm enjoying myself.

And if you think it might be ADHD, a diagnosis and meds help.

Although my default is still always mindless scrolling on my phone while my anxiety mounts and mounts and mounts, all of the above have made it a lot better.

Try listening to a podcast in bed? I tell myself 'well I'm not going to sleep, I'm just going to lie here and enjoy listening to this'. 9 out of 10 times I'm fast asleep by 20 minutes in. But the very fact of knowing that I'm not intending to go to sleep, just listen to something makes all the difference.

I have this problem at the moment too. There just isn't enough down time anymore. So I stay up to enjoy the peace and quiet.
If I do get enough sleep though, the next day is easier. I get more done in less time as I have more energy to do it quicker.
Sometimes you just have to be disaplined enough to just do it.
Maybe put kids to bed. Wash up, quick tidy and leave everything else. Have a shower or bath. Clean P. Js and bed linen and just jump into bed with a film. Don't snack after dinner. And just let yourself relax there are also a lot of meditations on YouTube which are great for sleep.

I’m the same - end up binge watching Netflix for hours on end. My kids are older so I don’t even need the downtime as such. They’re no work really. I just think (and this is something my dad used to say too ) that I don’t want to go to bed because if I do, it will be tomorrow, and I’ll just have to do it all over again.

I came to say this sounds like how my ADHD manifests as well.

It causes executive functioning issues, which includes problems with transitioning - changing from one activity to the next. It will also cause you to be understimulated (low on dopamine) which can manifest as low mood/lack of focus (or motivation)/stimulation-seeking - that's why people spend hours scrolling FB or channel hopping - that's the stimulation-seeking.

It's tricky to spot if you don't know about it, because the primary symptom associated with ADHD is hyperactivity and this symptom pattern seems almost the opposite - chronic inactivity - but it can absolutely be caused by the same brain processes. It's thought by modern practitioners/researchers that ADHD is extremely poorly named. It's addressed a little by the subtype description ADHD-PI or predominantly inattentive, which is a closer description of these symptoms. You can also find a lot of interesting articles/descriptions by googling "ADHD in women".

It is commonly misdiagnosed as depression.

I'm the same. Always have been. It's like my body clock is set to a 26 hour day instead of 24. Left to my own devices, I'll go round the clock IYSWIM. Ive never found anything to help despite trying every tip going. 1mg of melatonin at bedtime sort of allows me to go to sleep (rather than helping me go to sleep) but I can easily power through and stay awake until 4 or 5am every night. Interesting about ADHD.

I just think (and this is something my dad used to say too sad ) that I don’t want to go to bed because if I do, it will be tomorrow, and I’ll just have to do it all over again.

This is it! Ground hog day. If I shut my eyes it will be tomorrow and then I just have to do the same shit again!!

@forgotmymnname

I'm the same. Always have been. It's like my body clock is set to a 26 hour day instead of 24. Left to my own devices, I'll go round the clock IYSWIM. Ive never found anything to help despite trying every tip going. 1mg of melatonin at bedtime sort of allows me to go to sleep (rather than helping me go to sleep) but I can easily power through and stay awake until 4 or 5am every night. Interesting about ADHD.

This is indicative of a different condition which is called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Interestingly, often occurs alongside ADHD!

Oh sorry - the non-24 hour variant is apparently called something different now: non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder. That's a handful of a name!

I do the same thing! I love the silence of just being alone whilst everyone is in bed, it’s glorious.

I think for me, it started when the DTs were dropping the night bottle - if they were going to wake up hungry it would be around 1am so I’d stay up and wait to see if they needed me. I’ve recently been going to bed ‘early’ at around 10pm and playing soothing games on my phone or switch until I nod off.

I know screens are bad for sleep, but by keeping my brain busy enough to stop the whirring but not busy enough I actually have to think I nod off really quite quickly!

Shortened to N24, apparently, but it's much rarer - it's more likely that you have DSPD - you can have a sleep study done where you just don't interfere with your natural sleep/wake cues and see if it settles into a 24 hour pattern (but 2+ hours later than usual) or a 26+ hour pattern where it changes every day. Well, in theory - the only person I heard of having this done was in America, no idea if the NHS would fund such a thing.

I had a problem like this, again not long after LO started sleeping through because I was used to being awake all hours.

I started listening to guided meditation on YouTube, the calming ones where they would walk you through nice surroundings and relaxing. I never ever made it to then end of any of them.

Maybe start by pulling bedtime forward to 12am, then 11:30 so you are still getting you time but also gradually pulling your sleep clock forwards a bit.

Plus it's really quite nice meditating, always dismissed it as total bollocks but it's actually quite good for my soul

Thank you all so much. So interesting about the ADHD I will look into that.

Thanks for the suggestions, I need to get a handle on this.
Definitely the routine of the kids played a part in establishing this routine or lack thereof- putting them down and then staying around for the next feed rather than have them wake you up after ten minutes sleep, which always feels brutal. I used to bf on demand so my sleep went all over the place then. And also the demands of children leaves me craving "me time" , I feel cheated thinking I have to go straight to bed, I'm like a stroppy toddler about that.

This resonated: "this is something my dad used to say too sad ) that I don’t want to go to bed because if I do, it will be tomorrow, and I’ll just have to do it all over again"

Yes, there is a strong element of that. With lockdown there is literally nothing in my diary. Nothing to look forward to. The only time I went to work with a bit of excitement about the next day was returning to work after the Christmas hols! Then we closed again three days later due to Covid.....

Thanks again everyone.

went to bed with a bit of excitement, I meant

I feel better having posted that, it's nice to know I'm not the only one having what I'm sure many others feel is an easily solvable problem.

I do this too. It's the quiet time when kids finally asleep. Also it delays tomorrow.

Following as I'm very similar. I couldn't sleep as a child. Now, I go to sleep pretty easily once I'm in bed. I just don't go to bed. I've got schedules on the wall, reminders on my phone. I ignore them all. I have a long term health condition and the lack of sleep isn't helping, but still, I've got some sort of block on going to bed. I too seem to get a second wind at night and do my thinking then. It feels like the only time that's mine (and I don't even have DC). I've always felt that I'm not programmed to 24 hours. Really interesting to read about inattentive ADHD.

Thanks for the info Bertie

Me too. I got to the point where I recognised I couldn't go to bed until I couldn't stay up any longer and came to the conclusion I was a control freak. Like a guard dog while the kids slept. A determination no-one would hurt them. Single parent and had to get them to school in the morning followed by a commute to my full time job.
Thank goodness they're older now and things have improved.
I get what you're saying.
It's an interesting thread OP.