Why won't I go to bed

[LetMeGoohooohooho]

I have depression and the mediation (Citalopram) seems to be working well enough. I still have one major life change I need to make and I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me that I can't seem up do it. This has been going for years and getting worse. I am generally demotivated but I can see clearly that this is one change I need to make, and yet I'm like a child in this regard - I am rebelling and lacking discipline. What I need to do is I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Every morning I (exhausted and grumpy and feeling low) swear I'll go to bed early that night. And then, every evening I get a second wind when I get the kids to bed and get all my work done (I'm a single parent, two children under five) it's 10pm. I "relax" / celebrate by sitting on my phone for HOURS, then I read/ watch TV because I feel I deserve it, then before I know it it's 1am.......
Okay, there are not enough hours in the day.
And all parents surely have that issue.
But I feel like there is something else going on, like I'm afraid to go to bed until I'm literally falling asleep, I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts, I'm afraid of not sleeping.
I used to be a disciplined person who could make sensible choices about things like this. The tiredness is making everything worse and healthy people I mention this to, friends, are just baffled and say, go to bed, that's easy. Anyone had this or got any tips?

I'm doing this right now, I'm fine when DH is here at bedtime but as soon as he's away for work or on nights I sit here til 3, 4 even 5am The 'because I deserve it' thing totally resonates with me, which is ridiculous because 4 hours crap tv (pretty sure I've watched the same Gogglebox 2 nights running) or 4 hours on MN/FB is not really much of a treat/reward is it? I don't know that I even care why I do it, I just need to stop! And I bet I still won't go to bed despite this post

I'm like this. I have diagnosed ADHD. I'm on meds. They've been brilliant but have done naff all for my sleep!

I do this, especially if I'm not looking forward to the next day. Oy makes the next day worse because I'm tired and grumpy though.

We're not alone then. That's heartening but we need the answer.
I walk around like a zombie half of my life.
It's so refreshing to get a good night's sleep without sitting up angsting half the night.
Whyyyy?

@LonginesPrime

Not sure if this is helpful but I had/have this problem - it turned out to be ADHD.

Just coming on to say the same as @LonginesPrime (at 3.06am you’ll notice).

I have Inattentive ADHD (ADD) and we ADHDers have a bit of a problem with dopamine which means we have problems with executive function and focus/concentration, frustration tolerance and often impulsiveness. We often have problems with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria too. The other big problem we have is sleep and this is again to do with dopamine I understand. Add to that we also have problems with being mis-diagnosed with depression (though it’s often a comorbidity) and borderline personality disorder.

I mention this because I spent 53 years wondering why I did self sabotaging things and didn’t achieve the things I was capable of and it turned out I wasn’t mad or bad or lazy but neuro-diverse.

It might not be your problem and I’m not suggesting it is but it’s notoriously missed in females so it’s worth considering. You could have a look at ADDitude online, it’s American so some of the signposting isn’t relevant but the information is helpful.

In the same boat here OP. I’m a single mum with a 3 & 9 year old. By the time kids are settled for bed I feel like it’s too soon to go to bed myself as tomorrow will come too quickly!! But then I will feel crap the next day if I stay up late! Can’t bloody win!
I now aim to be in bed reading 9-930 and then listen to a sleepcast on headspace around 1030 ish. Sometimes this happens and other times I end up reading till gone midnight (like I did last night) and spent all of today absolutely knackered!

I also find that phones are a big slew delayer. I can waste hours on it!
I might try and do a phone detox, see if it helps.