I want to hurt myself but I am also scared of hurting myself

[ToadsThePeanutButterSnob]

I don't know what this means.

I keep getting thoughts about walking down to the bridge near me and jumping off but at the same time I don't want to and I am scared that I am having these thoughts.

It means you don't really want to which is a good thing!!
But the fact that your having those kind of thoughts sounds like you feel down so it's best to try to get some sleep now & call your gp for an honest chat in the morning.

Or call the Samaritans.

These are intrusive thoughts. Ie thoughts you don't rationally agree with or want to act out. I was getting them about cutting maybe hundreds of times a day when I was stressed.

GP put me on citalapram and they totally went away. Such a relief! Also I took up running which helped redirect the stress and anxiety.

Just wanted to send you support as I know intrusive thoughts can be very unsettling. Sorry to hear this and I would ask for help from your GP. Take care of yourself xxx

Second the suggestion of seeing your GP. I've also found citalopram really helpful.

If you're really struggling SHOUT text support is excellent:

giveusashout.org/

Sometimes I get scared about talking to the GP about these feelings because I am scared they will send me to hospital again.

Sorry I attempted suicide a few years ago and they made me go to hospital after. I don't want to go back.

I have just been crying because I just want to be normal so badly.

I'm sorry about your past suicide attempt and that you're feeling so low now. You haven't taken any action this time and you don't want to, which is good, so they'll ask you if you can keep yourself safe which it sounds like you can and that generally means no hospital.

For right now phone, text or email Samaritans for a chance to express yourself, your feelings, a shoulder to cry on if that's all you want. They're non judgemental, and you don't have to give your name or address. You can safely say anything to them.

GP emergency appointment tomorrow. Don't be fobbed off by reception desk you need to speak to the GP. They'll probably offer you antidepressants, which might help with the intrusive thoughts as well as your general mood. The GP needs to know about the intrusive thoughts because there might be one type that's better than another for combatting these.

Contact a mental health charity in your area to see if there's any other help available.

If you can't sleep tonight try to do restful things instead, it still helps your body to rest a bit. Calming music, comedy shows on DVD, reading, write in your journal if you have one, anything to distract you from the thoughts. Don't complicate it, if you fall asleep on the sofa that's fine. You just need some rest tonight. Do what you can and don't worry about what you can't do.

Yes I have a journal and writing in that sometimes helps. Good idea.

Sometimes I say and think bad things when I am upset which I think makes me a nasty person.

@ToadsThePeanutButterSnob
You are normal- please don’t think you’re not. It would amaze you how many people have these thoughts during their lifetime (I suspect almost everybody)
If you need help right now, call out of hours GP or Samaritans. You matter, you really do, and you deserve help now.
If you can wait, I second @AmberItsACertainty suggestions. Do what makes you feel good now. Watch your favourite “chicken soup” show (mines League of Gentlemen🙃; whatever makes you feel toasty), get a hot water bottle, have a baileys and a chocolate bar. Cosy down, distract yourself, and seek help in the morning.
The best advice I ever got when dealing with my own thoughts was “they’re just your thoughts, they’re not you. Let them pass.” It’s a temporary fix but a good one.

The Samaritans are there to listen to whatever you have to say. You could tell them how it is for you so they know it's not personal, if that makes you feel better about it. You can say what you like in the journal too. That's for your eyes only. Expressing your thoughts and feelings might help stop it all whizzing round your head so much. I suggest writing in the journal daily. The Samaritans are there for you whenever you need them too, it's not too much to contact them daily if you need to.

Whoever you are, you're "you", whatever "you" is. It's about finding a way to make life work for you. It could be you need some professional help with that. You mentioned feeling like a "bad" person, whatever "bad" means to you I don't know, so I'm not passing judgement on it, I don't know you. If there's aspects of yourself you want to change, you can work on that when you're head is in a better place. Don't give up on yourself. Nobody is perfect, we all have faults.

I am watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch now .

I mean sometimes I get upset and think and even say things I don't mean. I think that's what makes me a bad person.

Hope you can get some sleep tonight. It's only 6hrs until morning, you'll get through them. Goodnight OP.

@ToadsThePeanutButterSnob

I mean sometimes I get upset and think and even say things I don't mean. I think that's what makes me a bad person.

I don't think having a temporarily messed up head makes you a bad person. I guess I'd say if you've done someone wrong it's probably a good idea to apologise. Maybe in time you'll learn to recognise when your head is messed up and your thoughts aren't logical. If you recognise it you can then try to learn to pause before acting, so the things you wish you hadn't said don't get said. But if you can't help it because you're ill then all you can do is apologise and perhaps explain the situation.

Hello OP,
We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Hi @ToadsThePeanutButterSnob how are you today?

@Tehmina23

Hi *@ToadsThePeanutButterSnob* how are you today?

Tired.

Also a bit panicky. I popped into Boots today and I just felt panicky and clueless the whole time.

Can you contact the gp or mental health team & tell them how you feel?
I really doubt that they will send you to hospital for having those feelings but they may have some ideas of how to get better.
Talking to a RL person may help you to feel less panicked too.

I think this is a form of OCD? Google Pure OCD.

You have to ring at exactly 8 in the morning with my GP for a phone appointment that same day otherwise you have no chance of getting one. I couldn't ring them this morning because I was sorting DS out but I will be able to tomorrow morning.

If I feel a bit stronger later I can do that self referral thing online.

Can you share a little bit about yourself,if that feels safe.The feelings you are experiencing although absolutely awful are more common than you think.

If you're worried about telling your GP exactly what you're thinking can you tell them that you are having intrusive thoughts perhaps? The thing is you get intrusive thoughts because of anxiety but then the anxiety stays because you're anxious about the intrusive thoughts - I've been in that cycle and it's really horrible but you can get out, speak to your GP xxx