Here's my confession

[shamelessmcshame]

I'm a secret alcoholic

There I said it

Right now I'm pissed as a fart having downed. A bottle and half of wine following row with dp

Lockdown getting to me, he gets a nice quiet office. I get the front room
With one child and one noisy cockatiel... can't work on my business. Frustrated

He asked me what's wrong, I tell him, he doesn't really care actually he can't cope when I'm upset. Mum being the rock of the family and all that

I drink and he doesn't know. Went in the garden contemplated suicide. Downed the wine. Too cowardly to commit suicide and decided to come inside when I heard the kids calling for me.

I can hide it well. Two brains. Seems like when I'm pissd I can end a row with the click of my fingers yet when I'm sober fuck me I can't probably because I stand up for myself

He's now making me dinner

Anyone else got a secr t their dp doesn't know?

I'm a secret alcoholic. It helps me cope when I want to stab dp and throw myself off the nearest bridge

Although I feel so sad and tearful still there's none in my life that cares

I don't know what my aibu is. I know I'm unreasonable. I feel like the worst mother please don't tell me I am as j know it already toowell

Admitting you are an alcoholic is good. Admitting it here means you want to tell people which means, I think, you want help because you're not happy with being one.

I've been sober for 18 years. It's not easy (to start with) but it is worth it. You need to talk to someone. Doesn't have to be AA but find someone to hold your hand and stop drinking.

I'm in no way equipped or qualified to offer you help but you clearly need it. I think there maybe a topic on here specifically for those with alcohol issues and I hope another poster is along shortly to point you in the right direction. I sincerely hope for your own sake and that of your children you get the help you need

Please reach out and ask for help, op

Sorry to hear this, OP. Is your DP's office in your house or is he still going out to work? Either way, can he not do his share with your child so you get some quiet time? If it's a home office, the fairest thing would be for you to share it. If he's out at work, could he have your child with him for some time in the evening, while you get some work done?

You don't mention whether this is a one-off re. the drinking or a regular coping strategy. There are some great threads on here for alcohol support whether you are cutting down or trying to give up. I'm aiming for a sober Jan and have been lurking on some very helpful threads.

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to reach out for real life support. If not your DP is there another friend or family member you can talk to? Have you spoken to your GP - options for NHS support aren't great at the moment but they might be able to suggest something to help you cope in the short term.

Don't beat yourself up over drinking some wine at a difficult moment - so many of us have done the same thing, it's not a crime and it's sadly not unusual during this pandemic.

In answer to your secrets question, I have drunk without telling my DH sometimes. Then weeks later he finds a wine bottle in an obscure place where I've hidden it ... not great, but I'm only human.

This is a link to the alcohol support topic - hoping you can find some threads that will be helpful:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support

I do not want help. People like me more when I'm drinking

The trouble is I forget it takes a while to sink in and now it's even harder to hide

WhAt gets me is my dp doesn't know and just Accepta that all is well. Shows how emotionally challenged he must be to accept I'm happy. I think any fool would realised I'm drunk

You don’t want help but you won’t be able to keep on like this forever, livers cope till they can’t anymore.

No one gets away with it forever.

@Fluffycloudland77

You don’t want help but you won’t be able to keep on like this forever, livers cope till they can’t anymore.

No one gets away with it forever.

I'm just a failure. In motherhood in being a daughter in everything really.

Nah, you got addicted to alcohol which is addictive & habit forming.

My parents ran an off licence, I literally can’t remember an age I didn’t know some customers were addicted.

It’s fixable.

You are worth more.

@shamelessmcshame

I do not want help. People like me more when I'm drinking

I do know exactly what you mean. I think it's because alcohol gives you a temporary artificial sense of confidence, so you behave in a more outgoing way. The problem I find is that the comedown from this afterwards is horrible. I have decided it would be better to work on my self-confidence than to rely on alcohol in social situations - though that's easy to say in lockdown when there are no social situations. Dry Jan will be a start for me, though as last year I was drinking a minimum of two bottles of wine a week, often more, and all at the weekend so essentially binge drinking.

Hello @shamelessmcshame, we're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We've now moved your thread over to our Mental Health topic and we hope that you get some useful advice and support here.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks all.

Maybe he does know but is afraid to/doesn't know how to address it. If he knows you well is it really likely that he can't tell...

I would advise seeking support from an external agency such as Turning Point www.turning-point.co.uk/services/drug-and-alcohol-support.html
and your local mental health nhs services-these vary according to area but services such as Central Access Point www.leicestercityccg.nhs.uk/find-a-service/need-health-advice-urgently/
are invaluble.

I don't think he does know. He's waiting for me to join his game on minecraft while I'm eating. My kids like me when I'm piased they find me funny although usually they think I'm sad miserable old biddy, feel really bad and wools are reporting my post, I wish I had people who gave a white in real life but I terallu don't and that makes me really sad

My mother is a narcissist and cut me out 5 years ago, that still hurts, mil says she loves me and I'm like a dd lol o her but didn't remember my birthday.

you've taken the first step by writing it down on here. Good luck op

Pls OP, just stop and think. You are not responsible for your mother's behaviour so delete that from your self imposed guilt list. Your kids were calling for you, you're not a bad mother. I don't know what I'm doing in parenting and I know I make a lot of mistakes. I've thought of suicide too, particularly after a trauma the year before last. My logic was that removing myself would make life better for everyone but I know really it wouldn't. I couldn't let my kids grow up and in any way think I didn't want them or I abandoned them.
Pls get some help .

You need to know, but you probably do know, that you are being very foolish drinking so much, It solves nothing at all. Is this a new thing,as drinking because of the current situation, or a long time issue.?

It really doesn't matter if its a secret drinking habit, but in the long run,it will badly affect your family life. Alcohol is a mind changer, so hope you can get to grips with the problem soon. either get some help.or try and help yourself if possible.

You are not a failure in all things at all, and you only think people like you after some drinking, it's not the case at all, it''s foolish to think like this. Your family need you, and would not wish for you to get ill with drink related issues..

I just see that you have a noisy cockatiel, I used to have two of the same, noisy and funny little birds,always out of their cage getting into mischief every day. Good luck in trying to feel better soon.

It sounds like there are aspects of your life that are making you miserable. Do you feel trapped? You can get help and then you might not need to drink. I know change can feel terrifying. Making a first step doesn't commit you to anything more than talking. You know yourself that things can't continue as they are. So much compassion for you x x

I'm impressed. I can't write in complete sentences when pished.

@lljkk

I'm impressed. I can't write in complete sentences when pished.

Just shut one eye.. think it's my party trick. Always been able to get absolutely pissed and still look like I can hold it together

Thank you all for your kind words I'm really grateful

No judgment from me. I think you've made a brave choice to tell people you're drinking. We all have ways of coping, and some are healthier for us than others. Until you face and tackle the issues in your life (lockdown permitting) your drinking is unlikely to stop unless you take action and find some other way to cope. You may think your family don't know, but I expect they at least suspect something. What are you doing with all the bottles (genuine non goody question)?

One of my parents is an alcoholic and I have also lost two friends to alcoholism. Far too young and in terrible circumstances. My wonderful friend (let's call her) Joanne died a few months ago aged 42. She was good at hiding it too and her drinking was more extensive than we knew. After she died, we found hundreds of bottles hidden away in the garage. I wish she'd have told me, I wish I could have helped her, I wish she would have responded to my reaching out to her regularly. But it was too late. And sometimes people don't want help. It's a slow suicide. I don't know how her parents got through her funeral, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Please try and find another way to cope if you can, until the time you can take action or seek proper support. Don't be one of those people for whom in 5, 10, years time, it will be too late.

Take care of yourself