mental health and social services

[oliij]

On thursday I had a lot going wrong. homeschooling wasnt going well, my house was a mess but I have really bad muscles at the min so was harder work to tidy, my youngest dad was causing me trouble, social were putting pressure on me, my mum had got my younger sister to message saying she doesnt want me and the kids going round her house (we were in a bubble but havent been round there since the week before xmas) but she is fine with my brother going round with his wife and 2 kids (even though they are mixing with everyone as normal and she even let them round when they had symptoms of covid) and shes fine with my other sister going there with her kids but when it comes to me and my kids we are never good enough or wanted.
Anyway thursday night i hit a bit of a low point. The kids had kept me awake all night wednesday and now my 3yr old woke upafter only a few hours sleep being sick, I got him back to sleep and went to take the bedding down to the wash. The house was a mess, I was exhausted and in pain. I thought about, i mean really thought about (didnt attempt anything) commiting suicide. I spoke to a friend and distracted myself by doing a bit of the housework. I went to bed around 3am but couldnt really sleep as my mind was going mad.

Friday morning I wasnt really feeling suicidal anymore but still felt quite low and physically and mentally exhausted. I phoned my doctor asking for an emergency appointment but they said they didnt have any and to try again monday. I phoned the school and explained to them what had happened and they said they would speak to our social worker.
The social worker phoned and I said i would be truthful with what i was struggling with from now on (id been hiding quite a lot as im sure a lot of people do to stop social taking their kids away) I also asked that my mum wasnt told or involved as we arent really talking at the min and last time we had social services (around 4years ago) she covered her own back lieing saying she would help if we needed it etc but as soon as social left she would say horrible things and encourage me to lie and cover things up saying I dont need help ect

the social worker ignored me, phoned my mum at 3:30, told her i had ATTEMPTED suicide last night and that she needs to go to my house and if I dont let her in by 5:30pm that she has to call the police (assuming to take the kids away), my mum didnt even bother coming to my house or trying to get in contact until gone 5:30. I let her in to show the kids were fine (not that I had a choice) She asked why I was being so pathetic. I said im not going to argue or discuss anything infront of my children (they are 9, 8, 6, 5 & 3) so will understand what is being said. she stayed all of 30 seconds, bearing in mind she hadnt seen the kids since before christmas (clearly bothered) and then left.

Now im guessing social are going to remove my children but they are going to keep quiet and just turn up to do it which i think is unfair on the children as I at least want to explain to them (age appropriatly) what is happening and that they arent in trouble and its nothing they have done wrong but i dont want to do that too soon and have them worrying at the same time. I have no idea what to do or how to fix this.

I feel ok mentally today other than worrying about whats going to happen. should i find a solicitor? what should I do? ive not heard from social at all since she spoke to my mum.

My mum also LIED to them saying that I lied and said I had covid to stop her being able to visit the kids over christmas!!!!!!!!!!

They cannot just come and remove your children. The police could remove them temporarily if they believed they were at risk of immediate harm but that is really rare and things have to be very serious for that to happen.
If the local authority intent to go to court they will give you a letter to take to a solicitor for legal aid. You don't need to worry about getting a solicitor unless you receive that letter, and they must inform you beforehand if they are going to do that.

Not really sure what to say. Except here to hand hold.

I’m sure the social won’t be going behind your back tk take the kids. You would be notified. You havnt attempted anything and the social worker should have NEVER phoned your mother. There is such a thing as consent to share information which you have not. I would be complaining to her manager.

We all have thoughts good and bad doesn’t mean we act upon them don’t be so hard on yourself. These are terrible testing times for anyone. Take one day at a time.

Wish you well.

@teawomen

Not really sure what to say. Except here to hand hold.

I’m sure the social won’t be going behind your back tk take the kids. You would be notified. You havnt attempted anything and the social worker should have NEVER phoned your mother. There is such a thing as consent to share information which you have not. I would be complaining to her manager.

We all have thoughts good and bad doesn’t mean we act upon them don’t be so hard on yourself. These are terrible testing times for anyone. Take one day at a time.

Wish you well.

If the children are on a child protection plan and the grandmother is part of the safety plan then they can and should contact her as part of safeguarding. OP you need to speak to the social worker honestly about your mum's role in your life.

Why are you involved with SS in the first place? If you can why haven't you gone NC with mum?

Op please get some support for yourself other then your mother

about contacting [[https://www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/]]

or are there any other support organisations in your area? How about visiting the gp, telling them what happened, and asking about local resources?

Good luck.

The children arent on a child protection plan. its still in the assessment stage as far as im aware.

I told the social worker that the relationship with my mum wasn't a positive one and that it would make it worse if she was involved but she said It didnt matter coz she is still my mum.

They were involved before as one of the girls told the school i left them home alone (i took the bins down, was in a 3rd floor flat that went directly onto a bed in the road, no front garden etc was safer to run down and leave the kids indoors than take them with me) and the school took it as though i left them home alone to go out out (not the schools fault as i would have done the same)

this time they are investigating as someone (i think my ex) has made malicious allegations of me leaving the kids home alone to go shopping, leaving them home alone to go pub every weekend, smoking weed when i walk the kids to school (we drive to school), and loads of random other stuff

@PoppinShoppin

Why are you involved with SS in the first place? If you can why haven't you gone NC with mum?

NC?

Sorry that link didn't work www.family-action.org.uk/

It is likely that the social worker was saying she’d send the police round to do a welfare check that is check your welfare and your children instead your mum did.

Occasionally Police will put children into care under a police protection order for up to 72 hours this would only be if they felt the children are at risk of significant harm. For social services to take your children into care you would need to agree to this or they would need to get a court order which they would need evidence that your children are at significant risk. Are you still managing to care for your children? Are they fed, clean, reasonably happy? Is your home safe, are they safe? Are you able to put their needs first? These are all areas the social worker would need to consider.

You sound like you need support from social services which doesn’t mean they will go into care. Tell the social worker you are struggling. Take care

Children are not removed without very good reason. It's more likely that she asked your mum to call the police to do a welfare check, if a suicidal person does not answer the door this is what normally happens, the police can gain access to check you (and the children) are OK.

Your situation does sound very chaotic. Do you have a longer term history of mental health difficulties? When you can speak to your GP I'd be asking for a referral to the mental health team so they can support you in managing through this difficult time.

NC means no contact.

OP sorry you are going through this.

The SW should t have contacted your DM without your consent. It is a breach of your confidentiality. You should complain but dont do it while your case is still open as they will interpret a complaint during an investigation as an attempt at deflection.

Phone the SW on Monday and say that your DM visited, you are no longer suicidal and that you would like to know how the investigation is going.

Do you think you would benefit from some ongoing support? Do they have workers who could visit you regularly to help with tasks and emotional support. Being home alone with 5 young dcs all the time with no family support and a malicious ex is stressful and there is nothing wrong with needing support in this situation.

If the SW mentions any kind of legal action get a solicitor ASAP.

You should also try to find an advocacy service but most areas don’t have these.

@kkneat

It is likely that the social worker was saying she’d send the police round to do a welfare check that is check your welfare and your children instead your mum did.

Occasionally Police will put children into care under a police protection order for up to 72 hours this would only be if they felt the children are at risk of significant harm. For social services to take your children into care you would need to agree to this or they would need to get a court order which they would need evidence that your children are at significant risk. Are you still managing to care for your children? Are they fed, clean, reasonably happy? Is your home safe, are they safe? Are you able to put their needs first? These are all areas the social worker would need to consider.

You sound like you need support from social services which doesn’t mean they will go into care. Tell the social worker you are struggling. Take care

Yes ive still managed to care for the children fine during and after this. They are fed at relatively normal times, they are all clean, happy & safe. ive made sure theyve been protected from seeing or hearing anything thats going on and even when i was still feeling low on friday I was able to keep it 'normal' for them so they had no idea i wasnt happy or anything. even at my lowest point when i was considering suicide I was thinking about what to do to make sure the children were safe before i did think of doing anything and tbh that actually distracted me from feeling that way enough that i was able to get over it a bit.

@Orf1abc

Children are not removed without very good reason. It's more likely that she asked your mum to call the police to do a welfare check, if a suicidal person does not answer the door this is what normally happens, the police can gain access to check you (and the children) are OK.

Your situation does sound very chaotic. Do you have a longer term history of mental health difficulties? When you can speak to your GP I'd be asking for a referral to the mental health team so they can support you in managing through this difficult time.

sometimes I get a bit down but if im honest its usually because of something my 'family' has done to trigger it. Id not had an episode like this for about 4years (when my mum last turned really nasty when she found out i was pregnant with my son)

@Sarahandduck18

NC means no contact.

OP sorry you are going through this.

The SW should t have contacted your DM without your consent. It is a breach of your confidentiality. You should complain but dont do it while your case is still open as they will interpret a complaint during an investigation as an attempt at deflection.

Phone the SW on Monday and say that your DM visited, you are no longer suicidal and that you would like to know how the investigation is going.

Do you think you would benefit from some ongoing support? Do they have workers who could visit you regularly to help with tasks and emotional support. Being home alone with 5 young dcs all the time with no family support and a malicious ex is stressful and there is nothing wrong with needing support in this situation.

If the SW mentions any kind of legal action get a solicitor ASAP.

You should also try to find an advocacy service but most areas don’t have these.

They did the same last time. If i ask them not to tell my mum something they seem to go out of their way to tell her. I tried being honest with them last time about it and my reasons for not wanting her involved and they went and told her.

It sounds like your children are well and settled and that you are doing a very good job of putting their needs first. Regarding discussing with your mum, are you actually on a plan and is your mum part of it? Do you have an allocated social worker? Have you previously given consent for your mum to be part of the plan? It’s hard to comment on whether or not the social worker should’ve discussed with your mum without knowing the details

@kkneat

It sounds like your children are well and settled and that you are doing a very good job of putting their needs first. Regarding discussing with your mum, are you actually on a plan and is your mum part of it? Do you have an allocated social worker? Have you previously given consent for your mum to be part of the plan? It’s hard to comment on whether or not the social worker should’ve discussed with your mum without knowing the details

not on any sort of plan that i know of. as far as im aware its at the very beginning so assessment stage. Im assuming we have an allocated social worker as she is the only one we have seen and spoken to. ive not been asked if i give consent for my mum to be involved. all they had done with the assessment so far was 2 contacts. 1st one she come to meet us all and discuss the concerns the second time she did a video call with the 4 older kids to get their 'thoughts and feelings' or something.

She had asked about the childrens dads and I said I didnt want one of the girls dads contacted as he was abusive and controlling when he was around and hadnt seen my daughter since she was 6months old, on the video call she asks my now 5year old if she remembers her dad?????? I feel like I ask her one thing and she purposely does the opposite

I would contact sS and finsd out what thye did actually say to your mother because if they are saying you attempted suicide then they have the wrong facts. But also see if they have any support they can put in place. A positive minds group for instance. Some counsellig? Can home start help in any way?

Alos worth a complaint to sS. Stating it is inappropriate to ask a child who has not seen ther dad from 6m if they remeber them, and that they are reporting incorect facts.)

Yes sounds like you at beginning of a child and family assessment.

I am surprised social worker shared the information with your mum in the circumstances you described and would have expected the social worker to come to visit same day if concerns were so high that she felt it justified to share with your mum, to check how you all were instead of sending your mum. If she was shielding or self-isolating then another social worker come out. You should ask her to clarify why she shared and what she shared. As part of the assessment social worker should be putting support in place. It is a standard question to ask children about their dad not saying right or wrong. Hope you get some help,

Please try not to get too anxious about this. Honestly it sounds like they are fudging their initial assessment, so I would file a complaint. Then when you get the first assessment I would raise any discrepancies/ mistakes in that too. Meanwhile, try to find ways to tackle your MH situation and show you are getting some support with the life issues. Could you ask for a school place to get a bit of a respite? If you have Mh problems and SS involvement I think your kids would be classed as vulnerable? I would see if there is counselling you can self refer or get referred to, get on some kind of medication from the doctor, and start documenting all the things you are doing right in case it does go to child protection meetings. Honestly, I don't think this is anywhere near them getting an emergency order for kids to be removed, but I do think they will be concerned that you are struggling and it seems so chaotic.

I think sometimes they ask kids questions to fact check what the adults have said IYSWIM? They are coming from the assumption that you are leaving your children unsupervised to go off getting drunk and high, whilst also being suicidal and lying to your mum about covid? So they aren't going to trust your word as the final word.

Is there any evidence for or against any of those accusations? Eg. Is it true you were in the pub, but false that the kids were alone because you used a sitter? A statement from the sitter would be helpful, even better if you used a babysitting service or paid by bank payment or Paypal.

@Bluesmartiesandpandapop

I think sometimes they ask kids questions to fact check what the adults have said IYSWIM? They are coming from the assumption that you are leaving your children unsupervised to go off getting drunk and high, whilst also being suicidal and lying to your mum about covid? So they aren't going to trust your word as the final word.

Is there any evidence for or against any of those accusations? Eg. Is it true you were in the pub, but false that the kids were alone because you used a sitter? A statement from the sitter would be helpful, even better if you used a babysitting service or paid by bank payment or Paypal.

no evidence whatsoever to the accusations as they arent true. some of the accusations are so unbelievable and I can and have proved alot of them arent true. such as one said 'I lost my temper with my 3year old and threw him on the floor on the playground' -my 6year old (i know i shouldnt have took the risk) was pushing my 3 year old round the playground in his pram and it tipped over which resulted in him bumping his head, wasnt a major bump and didnt require medical treatment. A school teacher got to the pram before me so she can back me up with the fact I wasnt near the pram when it happened. The pub ive apparently been going to every weekend is directly opposite my house and ive never been in there in my life. my next door neighbour has cctv which covers our shared path so would prove that i dont leave the children home alone to go anywhere at any time. Another one is I leave my 3 year old home alone to take the girls to school in the morning. teachers all over the playground as well as 2 of my friends (even though they would think they are lieing for me) can back me up saying I have my son with me every morning I take the girls to school. The social worker did ask the girls if I ever leave them home alone and they said no (I know they cant completely take their word as I could have told them to say that but in all honesty my kids are little grasses lol) Another one was I was overheard telling a teacher on the playground I lost my temper with one of the kids (they never said which one) and threw them down the stairs. obviously if this one was true and i had told a teacher that then they would report me themselves. Another I can be heard screaming at the kids from the street (If the door and windows are shut you cant hear the pub in full swing) I let the kids play in the street by themselves (my kids wont even open the front door if I tell them to and if anyone knocks and im not there they come to tell me someone is knocking. My sister was asking them to open the door one summer when i was in the back garden and they wouldnt even though they knew it was her)

You can tell whoever has done it has really put some thought and imagination into it & even the very first social worker who phoned to tell me id been accused of these things agreed there was too many things for it to be fully true as someone else would have noticed this stuff and it wouldnt be the first report.

@Bluesmartiesandpandapop

Please try not to get too anxious about this. Honestly it sounds like they are fudging their initial assessment, so I would file a complaint. Then when you get the first assessment I would raise any discrepancies/ mistakes in that too. Meanwhile, try to find ways to tackle your MH situation and show you are getting some support with the life issues. Could you ask for a school place to get a bit of a respite? If you have Mh problems and SS involvement I think your kids would be classed as vulnerable? I would see if there is counselling you can self refer or get referred to, get on some kind of medication from the doctor, and start documenting all the things you are doing right in case it does go to child protection meetings. Honestly, I don't think this is anywhere near them getting an emergency order for kids to be removed, but I do think they will be concerned that you are struggling and it seems so chaotic.

I think the social worker we have been given is newly qualified as I got the impression she had no idea what she was doing and was embarrassed to ask some pretty straight forward questions and kept apologising. Obviously not her fault as we all have to learn somehow and I dont really want to get her into any sort of trouble and risk knocking her confidence if she is new but I also dont want to lose my kids.

You need to make a complaint so that what she does and says doesn't go down as the facts. Not to get her sacked or anything like that

@june2007

Alos worth a complaint to sS. Stating it is inappropriate to ask a child who has not seen ther dad from 6m if they remeber them, and that they are reporting incorect facts.)

In her defence im hoping she asked the wrong child about the wrong dad as I went into real detail when I told her about him and she could have clarified my story by asking any of the professionals/police records that were involved in helping me get away from him.